S F M S N G C T P n H P D F S

7 Years

I just remembered something. The body completely is a new every 7 years. The hair, nails, cells, blood, everything is completely changed in 7 years.

1998 - 2005 Long Distance
2005 - 2012 Not long Distance

First 7 was different than the 2nd 7

2012 Completely changed - a completely different person.

Interesting

Mid life crisis, new friends, reality to aging, reality to losing children, reality that time is running out, wanting to go back to youth with having free style and no commitments with fun and partying....

Hmmmm

Too Much

I'll never be good enough for anyone. I might as well face my fate. I fuck up. All the time. It doesn't matter all the good I do because in the end, when you make a mistake - its over. Its not like a bank account where you put money in and keep making deposits. Then one day you withdraw a bit. Even if you have lots of money in there, YOU were bad and YOU took some out so now YOU are a failure...again....always have been and always will be.

I'm too much.

Why the fuck do I think I deserve anything good? Why should ANYONE treat me as if I'm worth it? I'm not.

No chances, or should I say not many are given.

I proclaim that I will be alone forever. Me and my dog. Visiting my grand daughter and family will be the highlights of my life.

I deserve to be alone. I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm no fun. I suck at everything. And I hate me.

The night before the move

I'm feeling very emotional tonight. I've cried off/on all day. My mind is filled, no overfilled, with what I need to do. Tomorrow I move my things into my apartment. Yes I know I have the brawn and it will get done, but all the things surrounding this move are according to my plans. I am in charge and quite honestly I'm pissed that I have to rely only on me. Sure, I'll feel opposite when its done as it will most likely go well...but now, tonight, I am worrying about the apartment being ready, the truck rental going off without a hitch, my boys and my nephew up to doing all this packing the truck and unloading the truck, having to bring mom back and forth to co sign the lease, the dog going to the kennel for 2 days and nights, having to pick up a fridge on the opposite side of town that I bought......and I know I'm missing a lot more.

I've been crying since I dropped off the remainder of Karla's clothes to charity. This wasn't fair! She should be ALIVE goddamnit! The emptiness our family feels is so real and so huge that it is felt everyday by each one of us. I want my TWO sisters to be happy for me and to be here for me right now. I really need them BOTH!

I miss my friends - I miss my Mike Swift so much. He was my rock, my confidant, my brother, my buddy who always checked on me and surprised me with his smiles and his wit. Last time I did this moving thing he was there, both for packing up my things for my last Hillsboro Apartment and for packing it back up to move to So Cal. He is GREATLY missed and I'm crying over that. I miss seeing Ashley and getting her hugs and seeing her beautiful smile and missing out on her life. I miss my job that I dearly loved and found so much contentment and security. I miss my happy boat, my meetup girls, my beautiful OR weather and mountains, my coffee shops on every corner, my life.

Now, I begin - FUCKING AGAIN - with a new chapter. I need to keep being the Wen that I've been since I moved. The positive happy one. The one who is grateful for my life, my kids, my grand daughter, my mother and all of my family here close to me. The one who will now cook her healthy meals again, ride her bike, do her zumba and get healthy! The one who forces herself to not look back because every time I do it pains me too deeply. 

WenDee will transform, once again, into a shining light and will enjoy new found love  - live again - and keep laughing! 

Watch out Lancaster, I am here and I need you all to wrap your arms around my heart accepting and embracing me. I will stay, and I will be me :)

One Month down

Here it is, one month already that I have moved away from my heart home of Oregon and back to the high desert in So Cal. I am definitely appreciating what my new surroundings show me. The air is clean and the sky by day is a brilliant blue! The sunsets are truly amazing. The skyline is vast and not obstructed with trees so you see the large sky filled with orange and red colors and clouds and it truly is a beautiful sight to see. On the other hand, there are no trees :)

 I have not run into any snotty snobby people at all. Everyone smiles, waves, hold doors open, say please, thank you and have a nice day. Refreshing! 

The temperatures have been ridiculous....at first around 107 every day then it tapered down to 95 for a couple weeks, now its in the high 80's. I can tolerate 80....but I'd much prefer 69! I'm sure 69 will be in my near future ;)

My apartment has been approved and I should be moving in around Oct 22nd. I think its close enough to mom's, a little under 7 miles. Drive time is around 12 minutes, unless I speed to get there which I surely will if there was an emergency. I'm looking forward to my own bedroom with my own bed and things within reach! I've been wearing the same few clothes that I took with me in the car, the rest is in storage, so looking forward to a selection again. With the cooler weather not hear yet, I'm still OK with summer shirts. I've been planning the decorating of my new place. My kitchen will still be filled with a few rooster things, but thrown into the mix will be my cafe' area. I have new signs that will be put up with my new keurig coffee maker and mug board. 

Dining room will be elegant and the living room artsy. Getting a 2nd hand couch as soon as I find one but the rest of the room will not be shaggy chic, that will be for the guest room and the guest bath. 

My bathroom will again be all floral, but in darker tones and I'm painting my white accessories plumb. I bought a used behind the toilet shelving that goes from floor and over tank then 2 shelves, then a cupboard, and a top shelf. All will be painted plumb. More candles here, of course!

My bedroom, will be romantic. I've already purchased some art work of beautiful females of the past and a maroon scarf to use on my 4 poster bed. Lots of candles, CD player, and pillows with new blankets. There will be romantic words put up on the walls...I've ordered them and I can't wait to receive my new things and have this NEW place with special touches meant for just ME  :)
(you'd be surprised what you can find cheap on craigslist and ebay!!)

Mom and Dad are doing alright. Dad is so very very frail. He is down to 124 and eating only oatmeal and mac and cheese, along with just a few other softer and mild foods. He tries to eat things I cook and does OK. However, most of the time he suffers at night or the next day so it just isn't worth it. Mom doesn't eat much...although I've seen her private stash of candy, crackers and cookies :) Like mother like daughter!

I've found a new groomer and boarding for Dexter. We visited and the place is so clean and the staff very nice. The prices are quite cheaper than barkzone in Hillsboro. This place has been in Lancaster for 30 years and has a great reputation. This Friday Dexter will have his first day-care and we'll see how he responds to it before he stays over night next month when I go to VEGAS!

Seeing my grand daughter at least every 3 days is beyond amazing and fantastic! I can't imagine not being here now. Her smiles and her arms reaching out to me each time are heart melting. I'm looking forward to her walking, running, and babysitting :)

Tax school is going very well. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would. I will be hired on in January and will work as much as I want to. Its awesome going to class with my best friend too! We have been catching up and its like I never left California. Speaking of friends, going to see Jenn on Friday and maybe Susan if she can. If not, next week. I am meeting a couple ladies on Saturday night for drinks. They are a part of the LGBT up here and I'll be starting my new 'Lesbians, curious and friends of' meetup soon. Just working out some details first. 

Well, that's enough for now. I'll be back in a couple weeks after the move in and maybe there will be more updates other than boring apartment layout plans LOL! 

Till then, Ta Ta!

Wen

Happy Birthday Wen

They say its your birthday.....gonna have a good time

I'm now age 52 and living at my parents home...wha?? huh??
Well, I am for 'now'
The loss of my long term partnership and then my sister dying has brought me home to where I am. But, I'm OK with being back in So Cal because of the wonderful friends and the family that I have left are here.

Well, all but my biological father. Did I mention that this asshole who I've bent over backwards to reach out to since Karla died hasn't emailed me, called me, of sent me a card or letter? Yes. Such a fucking prick. He's incapable of showing love or responding in a human manner or to suck it up with your stupid Norwegian pride and reach out to your daughter who you've fucked over since May 2, 2010.
Today I was excited (for some odd reason) to got the mail. I thought for sure after all my attempts I would get a card from him. Nope.
FUCK YOU ROBERT AMUNDSON. I am not your daughter any longer. I don't give a shit if you are an old man. Not too old to call my last living sibling. Not too old to care about her, her husband and her family. Me? My family? They are DEAD to you. You fucking go on cruises, out to eat, visit friends, go shopping, do yard work, have parties....you are not too old to fucking type two lines in an email, at the least. And, you are not too old to put a stamp on a purchased card, even if you only sign it: Love Dad. Are you too old to realize what you've done to this daughter who is still alive? Who you screwed over as a child, then a teen and into adult hood?
Is WenDee ever gonna give up or give it a rest - knowing what she had in her biological parents - and the fact that it was what it was?

I don't think so. My mother made a ton of mistakes, but she owned up to them. She asked for forgiveness. She reached to me in countless ways to encourage me, to love me, to accept me, to show me that she was only human but took responsibility for her mistakes as a mother. This is called forgiveness.

I will push on, I have no choice and I cannot let him continue to push me down in my life. Look, age 52 and still concerned about her "Daddy" and how he feels about her? I am DONE. I am walking away from HIM.


*update 3:00 PM*

So, he called me. "got your birthday card today, sorry i didn't get yours in the mail yet. i'll mail it tomorrow. i didn't have your mothers address. i've been busy with this friend, and doing that with my wife, and gee, um, so look for my card in the mail soon. ok, don't want to use up your cell phone minutes so i'll say goodbye. bye."

click

what the fuck ever. please, don't bother. i really don't want a birthday card 5 days late and only sent because of some guilt factor you had because i happen to have sent you an early birthday card. gee. wonder if you hadn't gotten my birthday card until sept 30th when it was your birthday. would you have called me then? would you have 'forgotten' to have sent out a card? would you have pretended to have cared?
no
no
no

I am walking away from that which has caused me pain
I need to separate myself with those who have done me wrong
I have forgiven, I cannot forget, and the hurt is reopened every time I give it my attention in my mind
People can be fucking mean and cruel.
People are hurting and they hurt others, but I have the choice to not be in their hurting path

I can't do this alone, I am well aware.

Today its my birthday ... I have the next year to accomplish much. To those who have done me wrong, watch out. Karma is a fucking bitch and so am I.

From Oregon to So California - The first 2 weeks

Driving away from Oregon was harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I knew I'd have some deep emotions, however I was genuinely sad and depressed for the first few hours of my drive. I really never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be moving away from Oregon - certainly never alone at least. But, I was and as I got closer to the border, I realized that nothing mattered as far as the reason I was leaving but what mattered is what lies ahead for me.

I realized that what is in my future, what is in store for me,

is an adventure that will be embraced and not just allowed to 'happen' as I have been doing with living my life since last January. I new zest for living and for being the best WenDee I could be to all those that I meet from here on. New things are coming my way! 

When I drove up to my mothers house, there was my sister Paula, her husband Henry, my sons Evan and Jason along with daughter in law Jennifer and grand baby Jordynn and my Mom - all with big smiles and a large welcome home sign strewn on the garage! I was smiling from ear to ear. Here they were, arms wide open, ready to love and to laugh with me again. Back Home. 

I now have a responsibility to take care of my mother and my California Dad, Wes, who I refer to as 'Dad'. He is now 92 and extremely frail. My mother at 82 can't do this alone. She does not drive and she has been trying to do it all alone since my sister Karla died. Its exhausting to care for your loved one. Also, I see my mothers eyes with the realization that her life is also coming to a halt. No more weekend get away's with her husband, no more out to dinners to dine for two, no more walks in the sunshine or on a rainy day, nothing more than to enjoy each others company at the kitchen table during those times Dad is feeling up to sitting in the chair. She shows him so much love and gentle caring. Truly, it is an honor to watch my mother providing what she can to help Dad keep his dignity and to be there for him in whatever capacity she can.

My room at Moms is a one room studio :) I have most of my things in storage, a few things in moms garage, and then what I thought I'd need for 2 months in bags that are tucked away in my little room. So far, so good. 

I've been able to be of some help, and I am assessing what will need to be done once I move out (that won't be until Oct 23rd). For the first few days I laid low and visited mostly, as well as drove around Lancaster to see what has changed. Also, have enjoyed just dropping in on my grand daughter that is only 1 mile away from Mom's house! 

My sister Paula lives only 1 hour away in Simi Valley so I plan on being with her often! Thursday after I got here I drove to her place and stayed overnight. I brought Dexter too as she was so welcoming to let me bring my baby. Its sort of tough being homeless with a small dog in this 100 degree plus heat! I can't keep him in the car, even for 5 minute run into the store stops. So, I'm limited with what I can do and when. Mom and Dad have been amazing and gracious while I'm here to let Dex hang out at the house. Mom has NEVER EVER had an animal inside her house other than birds in a cage. Dexter has been a perfect little dog, no barking, no accidents (knock wood!) and no running around. Its almost as if he knows that these are elderly people that he has to be gentle and quiet around, not to mention to get out of the way when Wes is trying to walk. Here is Dexter's place on my little twin bed: 

Staying overnight at my sisters, allowed me to be there Friday when Evan had the day off. We had the best day visiting his NAVAL Base at Pt Mugu. He showed me all around where he goes for training, the NEX, the aircraft he would be going out on the next day and the beach off the base. We walked into the water, it was so refreshing! Not as cold as the Oregon coast, and so pretty. Dexter loved running on the sand and Evan and I enjoyed our walk and taking pictures. I really cannot convey how happy I am when I'm with either of my sons. The joy I feel from the top of my  head to the bottom of my feet is indescribable! This was a very GOOD day :)

   

The next Day Evan had to report to drill. I enjoyed being able to see him all dressed up in his aircrew uniform. This was the first time he was going to be on the aircraft to practice take offs and landings. I'm so proud of my kids! They are good, decent and honorable human beings. Yesterday, Evan found out from his base that budget was approved and he'll be off to Texas for 2 weeks of additional training. He is trying to get into active, but the NAVY moves so slowly and its all up to the budget. The government continues to push/pull and he does not have an answer yet. However, with this school approval it is looking better and better for him to be active by January. This is his wish. 

I found an apartment finally! I have been looking all over and for one reason or another it didn't work out. Some of them said no pets, some were too 'big', some were too far away. But this one seems to be a great match. The apartment won't be available until Oct 23, but its a great unit so close to shopping, dining and everything. The apartment complex love pets, the parking is close to the door, I can have my windows open at night without people walking past, and its 6 3/4 miles from mom and dads. This means, if needed in an emergency I can be at Moms within 12 to 15 minutes. My plan is to be with mom and dad every day from 9 or 10 AM to 5 or 6 PM. This will allow me to shuttle mom around, help mom with chores, help mom with Dad should he fall or need it, take them both to Dr. appointments, and just generally keep them company. I plan on working an arrangement out with my sister to come be with mom every other Saturday and my nephew to take one Saturday and my son Jason to take one Saturday. This way I will have my Saturdays to myself to do what is needed. Sundays I will be on call unless I'm out of town. I I am, I will have someone come and check on them a couple times during the day. I am still waiting for final approval of this place, but I really don't have a doubt I'll get approved. 

Here is the front door with the little patio to the right (love the blue!)

I signed up tax preparation classes with Jackson Hewit! I've worked at tax office for 10 years, running the front office, and not really preparing taxes with clients. I figured this will 1. Get me out of the house Tuesday and Thursday evenings for 12 weeks and 2. Give me something to fall back on for work in January. Janyce and I signed up together!!! I'm so excited to get out and be with Jan twice a week. I love my bff Jan and this will be just as good for her to get out of the house too. Jan and I have been friends since 1983 and we both have a grand daughter :) I begin class this Tuesday - on my birthday - so I am starting to study! I'm excited to be learning something that I think I will be very comfortable doing. 

Well, this is my 2 week wrap up with me living in So Cal! 

Plans for the next 2 weeks:
Make breakfast burritos for all the kids tomorrow at Jason's

Begin school

Get confirmation for unemployment insurance and for the apartment

Travel to see another bff Jill and her wife Maryn in San Leandro Oct 5th

Will check in soon and please leave a comment if you'd like. 

I thought I had

I'll never ever understand what happened

Last Day at Work

I am loved here, I am appreciated, and I am accepted.
I may have a bad day, but I'm not judged.
I may say a joke they don't understand, but they laugh anyway.
They share with me, they listen to me, they let me be me.
If I'm quiet, its accepted.
If I'm going through medical issues, I'm given patience.
If I have family issues, they allow me to be moody.
I can gain or lose weight and it never changes how they think of me. My performance and what I do while here is all that matters.

Kinda like a perfect relationship, don'tcha think?!

One more wake up to my alarm

Sigh.
Endings which will bring me to another new beginning.
Why can't things just stay the same sometimes?
I guess because not everyone is like me, that's why.
People change.
Family dies.
Kids grow up.
Expectations crash.

Yahoo! and WenDee meet head-to-head tomorrow for the last time. I've been crying all week, I'm so fucking sick of crying. I seriously think crying is what makes me FAT :)

Songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNyRU0fKHAY

Sigh.

2 weeks from today

I will be driving away from Oregon. I picture myself doing this. I will look in the rear view mirror, a lot, and I know I will be sad.
Oregon will be my adopted home, not my home home, but my adopted home. This is where I know I will return one day. Plans on retiring in this perfect weather, gorgeous trees and slower lifestyle is where I must rest until my last days. My grand baby will be old enough to put on a plane by then to visit, along with her brother or sister. Evan will have children, and I will visit often! When they are of age, they also will fly to visit Grammy in that green place :)
I have 4 more work days after this. I'm starting to say my goodbyes and feel the end is so near. The ending to so much....to things I never wanted to ever end, but sadly, they have ended and continue to end. I have also fallen in love with my pretty apartment and hope to find one just as special in the Antelope Valley. Dexter and I will have our peace, within our new safe place, to push forward - believing that good things are here and will continue to come.
I love you.
me.

Three Weeks To Go

....and of course Oregon had to have amazingly PERFECT weather today! I call my kids and my mom and find out the temperature is a "normal" 104 today. yuck. But, so what. I will have AC in my place and in my car and its in all my friends and families houses! However, I'm hoping it will be the right type of inspiration to get me back onto a healthier eating schedule.
I was doing so well....then grief took over. Followed by shock, anger, and deep depression. This set me back with saying fuck it! I'm eating those chips, and those cookies, and that sandwich, that burger, those fries, ice cream...! Over my head, over the top, I can't seem to do anything in moderation.

I love too much
I miss too much
I scold myself too much
I eat too much

Cycles. I'm in another cycle. Cycles of life. Ups and downs. Right now getting back on track is all I can think of while closing this chapter in my life.

I have 8 more working days at Yahoo!
I have 19 more days before packing the truck
I have 20 more days before driving away from my dream life
I have 21 more days before I see my families faces - and hear them say: Welcome Home

Push on...don't look back without smiling and appreciating what was once so wonderful
We are all imperfect humans making imperfect decisions in an imperfect world
Some of us base our decisions on other people
Some of us get so confused as to where we are telling ourselves we should be
Some of us needs to be kinder to ourselves and carry on, moving ahead looking forward to the adventure that awaits.
This is going to be me! Not only do I deserve to treat myself kind, but I'm worth it. I'm a wonderful and caring woman who only wants to be a support to those I love. I am embraced by so much love of family and friends, constantly reminding me that my life has been not only a blessing to them and to others, but that I will find someone who is ready to share this world with me in an explosive powerful and loving way!

Now, to pack. To say goodbye. To wave to the blue/gray skies above and say:

Thank you Oregon. You were my home. You always will be my home in my heart.
Forever and ever, plus one more day.

*

Since Karla has died, so many things have gone to the wayside. My once sparkling clean empty breakfast nook now has piled up high papers and things not put away. My sink seen with only a glass or two now has dishes waiting to be cleaned. My once nearly always empty laundry basket is overflowing with both dirty and clean baskets of clothes ready to put away. My once daily made bed has covers askew. My once tidy apartment finds assorted 'things' here and there, not in their proper place. This is evidence of my how my brain is right now. My mind had just begun to accept all changes and become strong, tis now cluttered with reminders, memories and over flow items. Having one less sister, quitting my awesome job, moving away from the state I've fallen in love with, leaving new friends and co-workers who have stood so close by me, and knowing that the woman who I'm still madly in love with will no longer be near....its a lot. A tad overwhelming.

I've had to think through and push through changes recently so why am I a mess now?

My dream of a Hawaiian honeymoon vanished. My meadow where I met my soul to dance and play has shriveled up and died. Soft touches and skin to skin contact and meeting blue eyes....a thing of the past. Security, contentment, protection....gone. And now...I am shutting the door. No hopes for the window to be a jar.

So, I gather myself with a renewed sense of my normal - again - and re-discover my place. I am in control. I am in charge of my life. I always have been, just needed to remind my heart once more. The weeks will go forward and I will slowly pack up my Oregon into boxes. I will give away and sell away extra baggage that would weigh me down.

Live simply - Yet keep reminders of the wonderful years I have had. Onward and upward! (or downward you would say by moving south). But back to the love that has never left. A new life filled with new hopes and dreams and memories to be made.

Thank you God for showing me again my worth and your love.

Now onto cleaning this house 

Yahoo no mo :(

I have given my notice at work and my last day with Yahoo! will be Aug 31st. 
I will take care of my parents who need me, be with my grand daughter who will know me, live by my daughter in law and sons which will be a major blessing, hang out with my sister who've I've missed terribly, and return to long time friends who love and accept me. This doesn't discount the friends I've made in Oregon though. Some I feel are almost family and I will dearly miss them all. Thank goodness for Facebook because without that, I know I would feel extremely lonely.
I love Oregon - the weather and the beauty - and had planned to live out all of my days here. However, once the nest was disturbed there no longer was room for me and I had to fly. I've flown solo for many months and have learned my flight will go on most likely until my days on earth are over. But, I've grown strong enough now to move forward.

I understand that I am just someone of the past. Someone to 'get over'. I have no real importance in the life that was once my heart, my home, my soul connection. I get it. No need to bring in the mac truck. I will step aside so there are no reminders.

My Mother and Father (step) will now have my attention. My sons will now have my attention. My grand baby who I will hold and love and spoil! She will recognize me not just as Grammy in the box, but instead as the one who smiles at her and picks her up to hold her close.

I am scared. I am sad. I am excited.

But most of all, I am lonely and this must be remedied now, not waiting for any false hopes or sleeping beauties to miraculously appear before my tearful eyes.

I am Ready.

New Ends looking on to New Beginnings

Well, I made it through the camping trip! I don't mind telling you that I was highly nervous. Nervous on so many levels and for so many reasons.
This was my first 'all alone' trip...ever. I had to set up my own camp with tent, kitchen, fire, etc. I did an amazing job. The tent gave me a small panic attack because the poles wouldn't stay put at first, but I just kept going after each one until finally it fell into place. So much so that when my camp neighbor drove up and was trying to set up her tent alone (realizing she was indeed alone with no other camp site members yet) I was confidant to walk over and give her a hand. I can't tell you how good that made me feel! My entire life has been all about helping people. The last several years I've not been able to help as I intended or wanted and I am now learning my passion, my early sense of joy, is reaching out and being a spirit to help others. This is where my life MUST head from this point on. To be a positive role in whomever's life, in whatever way I can.
So, camping. I couldn't have done it without Nan and Carmen. They were super amazing and supportive. When I fell at one point, they were both there to lift me up, physically and mentally. I participated in the events and felt good about my endeavors. I played bocce ball in the high heat but pushed on and had a blast! I walked over to other camp sites and made the ladies laugh and smile. I pat every dog and looked into their eyes and found such sweet love. I exchanged emails and Facebook information and will look forward to having these friendships grow.
My T Time...was a HUGE hit, again! These ladies just loved coming over to the bar and placing their orders! Personally, I think I'm a fabulous bar tender,  :) I used 50 shot glasses, and I know some of them were re-used by others. I don't think anyone got drunk, but they sure were happy campers.
My Oregon chapter is closing .. I feel it. I also know that I will be back. This is where I want to retire, where I want to complete my life before it ends. I do not know how, with who, when or where but what I am sure about is the Oregon weather and beauty is where I want to lay my head before I take my last breath.
So I go to California to be a dutiful daughter, mother, grand mother, sister and friend. I'm needed there, I am not needed or wanted in Oregon right now. I have been pushed out of the nest and I'm flying in my next stage of life. Just as the swallow returns to her Capistrano, I will return to my soul spot, the great upper north west of OR. But for now I will grow in my next phase of life, alone at first but not for long. This camping trip re-enforced my passion to be with a partner. My thrill to see her laugh, to bring her a treat, to walk hand in hand and experience new things together, to dream, to love, to not be alone at night resonated loudly that I was never meant to live my life as a single woman - but rather side by side with someone who appreciates me, loves me completely, sees me as first priority and not in line after any other and who thrills at my existence just as I will do with her. One who has great love of her family and welcomes mine into her life as her own, and who will want to help me grow, just as she will allow me to help her grow.

She is out there.
I do not know her name or what she looks like, but she is waiting for me.
She is patiently allowing this time to pass until we meet.

I'm coming sweet princess....I'll be there soon.

Why?!?

Karla why did this happen?
Did you take your life away from us?
From your mother who has suffered so much loss?
From your son who misses you so deeply?
Your friends and family who loved you and are hurting so badly?
You left ME!
How could you have done this?
If you decided it was too much, well thats fucked up!
We all have our shit. We all go through pains. We all have to LIVE and move forward.
If you took your own life, then I am so angry with you right now.
I love you, but gawd I'M PISSED OFF

HBDH

YATLOML

4 weeks

Breathing. I'm concentrating on my breathing.
I am old (er) than many and I know I still have a lot to learn.
I really need to focus on the good, the now, the blessings that I have.
Wasting time on the negative and any wrongs has to be put in its place, the past. We cannot go back to change anything, we have to take the NOW and move forward so we can have a brighter future. I've learned this more the past 4 weeks since Karla has died. She had a life filled with so many ups and downs. She focused often on the sad, the past, the negative. I do not wish to live that way but instead be happy. To smile. To love. To help others. This is what brings me joy, when I am helping others. Life is short people, try to place aside anything that has brought you grief and sadness. 
I for one am so sorry to anyone that I might have hurt because of misplaced deep rooted pains. For lashing out, for not being kind when it would have been so much easier in the long run. This is my prayer. To let things go, to let any future stabs at me or my life to roll off and to take a higher road.

Places I will visit when I move back to So Cal

1. San Diego Zoo - in honor of my sister who wanted so badly to go with me Fall 2012
2. Las Vegas - with Janyce - and any other girlfriends who want to go and bust loose in sin city
3. Ventura Beach - to sit on the sand and contemplate where my life has been and is headed
4. Yosemite - booking a room in the lodge and going for hikes to the falls and bridges
5. Colorado - visit my cousin and friends
6. San Francisco - meeting Jill and Maryn's baby and reliving fun times on the wharf
7. Santa Cruz - hanging out with my way cool nephew and his girlfriend, eating organic food
8. Solvang - reminiscing of days gone by and creating new smiles and memories
9. Laughlin NV - sitting looking out onto the Colorado river and Lake Mead
10.Getting ready for my amazing Cruise in July 2013!

*sigh*

WenDee .....come sail away

I'm sailing away,
Set an open course for the virgin sea,
'Cause I've got to be free,
Free to face the life that's ahead of me,
On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard,
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore,
And I'll try, Oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

I look to the sea,
Reflections in the waves spark my memory,
Some happy, some sad,
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had,
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on the pot of gold
But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head,
They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said,
They said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me baby,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise,
We climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me...

Guess what?

Know what I dislike.....sneaky and dishonest behavior.
Suspicious behavior shows the true character of a person. Not being honest to themselves must be the hardest of all things for them, for they know when they are being deceptive.
I'm so incredibly glad that I am an open and honest person. I share my feelings to a fault and it sometimes comes back as a negative, however that is shortly lived. For I know when I lay my head down at night that I have treated all persons fairly, and in a loving and kind way. I've expressed my views to those, and they have rejected them to be honest, which falls on them and their conscious. They know. When I've stated something that makes them angry it is simply because they are hit between the eyes of the reality of their actions and that what is said, is the way it really is.
I'm very grateful for this gift. Thank you God for providing an honest spirit in me. Use me going forward to continue on this path and I know I will be rewarded. Now, where is my Princess charming dang it! I'm waiting! ;)

I miss you Karla

I waited for your instant message today. Looked at the clock and it said 3:40 and thought about you messaging me. Then, again, it hit me. You will never message me again. I need help to get out of this crap! Its so f'ing hard Karla. So fucking sad.

Hard to think

today its hard to think.
hard to put my mind into full gear.
what is wrong?
why can't I be on auto pilot and just take care of business?
isn't that how i normally function?
maybe its because i'm doing this alone.
maybe its because i have no one to spill out my concerns and voice my frustration.
why did this happen, now?
i'm not ready karla, i'm not ready for you to be gone.
you were such a huge help to me when i was afraid of being alone.
when i thought my world had folded up into me and i was falling deep into the crevices
you told me to give myself time, and i did.
then i got strong. i put everything into perspective and realized that no matter what had been done to me, i could carry on.
you told me i'd find someone who would love me without having to be perfect.
you told me that they are waiting for me now.
but, then you left me.
i was coming back home.
to make up for those years that i was gone living my dream life,
that turned into a nightmare.
i can't do alone karla and counted on you to be there for me.
today, its hard to think.

My sister - I bid you peace

Karla Jean Amundson Levin Turkish 

July 5, 1959 - June 21, 2012

You were a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend and wife

we cherished sharing in your happiness and strife

Laughter and tears were part of your day

but always a smile would find its way

Never a doubt the love you had for us all

Just wished you'd not felt so incredibly small

Your life was bold and beautiful too

your laughter infectious to all that you knew

We'll carry on knowing the peace you feel

while you now hold the hands of the ones who have healed

Walk strong dear Karla in God's bright garden

I will never forget you - my beautiful angel guardian

WenDee Riley 

June 25, 2012

sharing our room until I was 12

mermaids dancing under the pool water from march to october, only leaving the water for 5 minutes at a time or else our tails would fall off

marco polo - jumping off the diving board - pool volleyball and lap races

playing secretary/boss, you were always the secretary

bike riding to new adventures and taking on tough hills

singing songs as we sat in front of the 'stereo', you knowing all the words

playing my guitar with you singing- puff then magic dragon, moon shadow, and if I had a hammer

chalk on the sidewalk - roller skating on the back patio - foursquare - tether ball

barbies, you always had the barbie and skipper doll, I had Mary Poppins because that was your rule....IF you would even allow me to play with you

paper dolls with kleenex boxes for beds

playing 'lets make a deal' with TV trays and prizes

halloween costumes, matching of course

camping and traveling down the river on inner tubes

hide and go seek outside in the summer until it was dark

babysitting the neighborhood children, we always did it together until you had a boyfriend :)

Just a few of the memories.....while we were growing up

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ij9NtI3xh8Y

I'm sorry I posted my previous post. I promised I wouldn't take things down after I put them up, so I'm not going to.

I look like an idiot to someone....I guess I always have....so, forgive me for being honest and scared and broken and afraid and discouraged and feeling abandoned.

I'll work on that.

Done

Went to the Coast this weekend. To be honest, when I made the reservation at the Inn my hopes were that Heather would join me. I know what you all are thinking, but seriously...do you have ANY idea how much I miss my girl?
So, she couldn't get out of her important plans. And I went alone.
Here is the rap up:
The Coast was beautiful.
The people I met on the beach were very kind.
I cried my eyes out all weekend at the memory of what I've lost.
Spent WAY too much money gambling and drinking up a storm.
Couldn't bring myself to doing too much because I didn't want to go alone (comedy show, movie, antique shopping, going on a hike).
So, I walked a lot on 101. I walked a lot on the beach. I soaked up sun while listening to the shore and the waves crash. Packed everything up and was on my way home after taking a few more pictures.

I'm not going to do anything here in Oregon alone again. Its just too sad for me. You can't blame me, really, can you? I've been trying for 6 months to venture out and do what I could. I end up having anxiety attacks, crying, and going back home to bed.
Oregon was to be my home. The place to share with the girl I fell head over heels in love with. She caught my heart early on and 13 years of constant chatter and play and looking into her eyes with the plans we had for our future here and everywhere, well..its over and she has gone on to find her happiness with other people.
I lost.
She's enjoying her friends and her life and with what I assume no thought of me, of us. Not even a friendship.

I hope my sweet heart who I still love beyond explanation has all her dreams fulfilled where the good Lord takes her. Obviously I wasn't the one I thought I was. She slipped away and isn't looking back.
Gawd...I miss her.
With every street, every sky, every sun up, every sunset, every street sign, every store, every mountain view, every road I travel....I'm reminded of what I lost. Big loser I am.
Sure, I've grown to appreciate me, what I CAN do. What I've managed to salvage and find in myself. With time....that thing they keep saying....I'm sure I'll be OK. I am leaving Oregon only because not being here with my girl is too much to take. Going back to So Cal...where at least I will have my family.
But, with everything that's happened, all the hurt, the desperate measures I took at the beginning of the break up, the casting me aside.....I'd forget it all if she would take me back. No question. Its nobody's business but ours so no explanations needed. Oh, if only that miracle would come to life! I'd do everything I'd give up anything just to hear those words in my ears...."I want us back". Sigh. My dreams, I'm afraid, will be my nightmare for the rest of my life. 

This is all I have left ...............................

My power came to me in early May - Resting on my shoulders with strength and love. My vision reminded me of the love I have for myself and that I have a duty to take care of ME through mind, body and spirit. I have risen, am rising, and will soar to great heights!

Choices were made against my will, but then again...doesn't that happen all the time anyway?

I am carrying on, this time in quiet tones. I am taking care of me, completely. I have so much love to give and want to give and hope to give. I pray that she is waiting for me. I pray that I will know within her smile and within her speak and within her touch that she has been waiting for such a time so we can experience life together. We can laugh and cuddle and hold each other through struggles that surely come from this life.

I already love you <3

If anyone is interested in reading my new beginnings blog, email me and I'll send you the link! Wen

Oh what a fun night! I am alive and living in a real world filled with goodness and smiles and laughter and JOY! 13 weeks...13 Mondays....13 Wednesdays off....13 Friday Nights...who ever said 13 was unlucky? Not me!

New Things :)

Another new beginning tomorrow...excited, nervous, and ready! I'm OK with me now, I have peace within my heart and know the truth of life that has unfolded. Life is but a journey, one you wish you could write, but if you did you wouldn't have the pleasant happiness of the surprises that come! I knew my 50's were going to be great, just didn't know this was what would make it so! I love you God for always knowing what is best and for putting those in my path to help me through the pains.

One thousand smiles, one thousand kisses, one thousand slumbers, one thousand mornings
oh to have just one more now  -
be still my heart in the fading of the day
resist the temptation to completely back away
the stars once aligned in the atmosphere
when the time was right and and you wanted me here
now silence is loud with nothing to share
no words, no comfort, no resemblance of care
move forward - move on - move away they say
no one knows how these words kill me in a way
but alone i am found with nothing but memories
of a time, when one thousand meant everything to me

Linda Yaddow 07/02/1948 - 04/08/2012

Linda Yaddow April 8, 2012

Linda Yaddow, age 63, of Rome, passed away April 8, 2012, at University Hospital in Syracuse, with her loving family at her side.

She was born July 2, 1948, in Rome, a daughter of Nicholas and Mary Wilson Montalbano, and graduated from Rome Free Academy and SUNY Brockport. She was formerly married to Wayne Yaddow. Linda was a kindergarten teacher at Denti School until she retired at 55. She was a member of St. Mary’s Church.

Linda is survived by Wayne Yaddow of Rome; two daughters, Trisha Yaddow of Rome, and Rachel Yaddow of Scarborough, ME; three sons, J.R. Yaddow, Ryan Yaddow and Travis Holmes, all of Rome; a sister, Nikki McConkey of New Orleans, LA; a brother and sister-in-law, Philip and Ascenza Montalbano of Arizona; grandchildren, Gabriel Yaddow, Dakota, Tea and Justin Russell, and Jacklynn Joslyn. She was predeceased by a brother, Joe Montalbano.

Funeral services will be held Thursday at 9:45 a.m. from the Barry Funeral Home, 807 W. Chestnut Street, and at 10:30 a.m. at St. Mary’s Church. Burial will be in St. John the Baptist Cemetery.

now i lay me down to sleep.....

...I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake, I pray that Heather knows I want only happiness for her sake.

I am grateful for the 13 years of joy, happiness and love. I lived these years with security and gratefulness for your returned love. However, the time ended. The expiration date arrived. Move along.

I'll be OK, I'm finding WenDee....I might even find little Wendy to pick up and hold and reassure that just because people leave it doesn't mean I'm not important and that I don't matter, but rather its because life happens and there are no guarantees, no matter how desperate you wish you could write the ending to the story of a journey.

I look to the God above who I know has carried me all through my life, and I say thank you. Thank you for giving me not what I want, but rather what you believe I needed.

Good night sweet angel. Rest in your Dreams my love.

splashes of happiness in my day

I need to put this out here, before i either lose courage or something gets mucked up.
I have male friends who are truly such an incredible asset to my life! My work 'husband' who is funny, helpful, kind and gets pissed and cracks me up! I have other men on my team who also contribute to me loving my job, and I'm so thankful.
I have friends from all different states, that I've met in all different ways, that provide each one a different perspective and yet they all seem to genuinely care and love me. I'm so honored that I have discovered this year as it being true; you really know those who love you when they support you always - but not having to agree with everything - just showing this love in many ways. I couldn't possible name them all, that's how blessed I am! I am hoping that you reading this realize that I'm talking about YOU!
Now, as a wonderful kind spirited, emotional, honest, and truly human (yes, he makes mistakes) friend recently shared on his FB, I'd like to tell you about my day.
After waking up not hating getting out of bed (first sign) I was able to take the dog on a long walk and enjoy the cool dry weather. Having plenty of time, I was able to get to work early and set up for a rather busy day I knew I had ahead of me. I got sidetracked, a lot, but found by doing so I was able to tackle the jobs quickly and complete them. When I arrive home at lunch, I bump into Chris and I was able to help him with Lacy, and that just really pleased me to spend time with my other 'girl, my dexters sister. I miss her so much. As an added bonus, Chris and Jon decide to walk with me to my apt to come get something their mother had asked to have. Being able to just talk to them for a couple of minutes, made me so happy! I love those boys and my heart has also been empty not being around them. I miss them but it was a great surprise to see them :) Now, my sweet friend Crystal constantly brings a smile to my face! Without asking, she brings me either my favorite coffee or tea from the birista. I hope she knows that I am grateful and I never take her kindness for granted! Today when I was coming back in from lunch there she was with her beautiful smile and a peach iced tea waiting for me. The day only escalated from there - one thing after another - that just made me feel that I am alive, I am important, and I matter. Out of the blue, someone brought me salmon that they could not finish. I hadn't had lunch due to my busy break and I was hungry. Whalla. There was lunch! Then, I made a phone call to a gentleman that was not happy. 45 minutes later he was singing my praises and telling me he will be a yahoo forever just because of the service and time I gave to him! Really sir, I LIKE to help people, but it was so nice to hear. Then my boss knew about the extra work that i put in with that case so he tells me that he wants to provide to me dinner! He accidentally leaves a full order of beef stroganoff purchased earlier from the cafe...and tells me he'd like me to have it. Now, I'm sorta broke right now (yeah IRS, kiss my....wait, I'm not doing that right now!) and also I have sort of resented making the meals recently that end up in the garbage because cooking for one is just hard to do (gotta learn portion sizing!). I just feel so full of blessings. I know there are a LOT of steps I need to take, some of which will happen this coming Sunday with a new group I'm going to check out (self help) but I feel stronger today. I feel like I can do this or at least there is hope that if I'm able to see the glory in things then what I once thought was the end of the world maybe, just maybe, its not. I can't wait to be with my family again. I need their hugs, their help and their love - but I also need WenDee; the Wen that finds the good and appreciates her skills and her heart. I'm sorry this is so long and it probably should have just gone on my blog, but no one really reads that thing...and I wanted to share with you all that after 2 months.....I'm thinking that I might be OK. ♥ to you all!

feelings

i wake up every day thinking of you, what you are doing, how you are feeling, the smile on your face, your eyes sparkling. I go through out my day hoping you are well. I still see your smile, even though its been a long time given to me. I smell your perfume and wish that it was applied for me, for my pleasure. I go home from work seeing the apartment complex and wanting to talk to you, to laugh with you, to hug you. I am home at night and until I fall asleep off and on crying for what I've lost. for the good times, even the harder times, but the times we were together. that was when i was in my glory. i really thought we were it forever. i know you closed your heart and shut the door way before you let on to me. but even when you suggested you thought i was smothering you or that you needed space, i didn't really thing it was you kicking me out of your life. i thought that it was because i was going through a hard time understanding what was going on with you pulling away from me and also trying to figure out what was going on with me. i never really thought you would want me out of your life. i truly thought you loved me. i truly believed all those words you said to me. i trusted you that my heart was your home and that you believed in me and supported me. my anguish now, my torment now is beyond hard. most every single day i wish i would disappear or sleep or something would happen to put me out of my misery that I have to endure daily. now, you've blocked me completely. i'm not allowed to even be your friend - the promise you made when you pushed me away - you said you would never do what russ did to me, that i would always be your girl, that you will always love me. but you don't. you went back on everything and i'm alone, without even your friendship. i saw you yesterday and had to pray every step that i would keep my mouth shut. to honor what you want. you want me to go away. i do not know because you will not talk to me. i have to assume that i am dead to you. and most days, i wish i really were.

no words

no words can express my sadness for my dear friend passing away yesterday.
she was my kindred spirit - a constant friend to me during some of the most difficult times i've had in the last 5 months.
she gave me wonderful advice, talked to me through my pain and sent me goodies for my dog when she knew he needed extra love and attention.
living a life of giving and loving, what a wonderful woman, and yet had to put up with so much shit from two exes and many medical issues.
I love you Lyn. Thank you for being my friend. I'm sorry we never will get to go on that cruise we planned on going together in 2013. God bless you and rest now sweet sweet spirt

slow

i used to think time flew by so fast...and now time seems to be slower than its ever been in my entire life

i'm so grateful for my job. i get to go to a place where people smile at me, give me a hug, ask me questions, wish me a good day, bring me a surprise coffee, laugh at my jokes, appreciate my help and then i get paid. if not for my work, i don't know how i could have survived the past 3 months. thank you God for my job and for those He has put into my life.

i am looking forward to great things coming my way. exciting and wonderful things! i've been given the opportunity that i didn't even realize i needed or wanted, and yet, here it is.

every moment is a gift. each day my quest is to be thankful and look ahead - not behind with what was done that brought me much sadness. some days this might be hard, i'm sure, but with continued strength and grasping tight onto the truth, i will forge on and be the person i know I am which is good, kind, loving, giving, helpful, funny, loyal, and is the one and only - wendace lynn.

i've never meant to hurt people, and yet people get hurt.
i've been in so much deep pain for months and i try so hard to figure everything out. how could i have been different? and when i say that out loud i feel like i would have compromised myself by being 'different'. i only was trying to hold on tight to what was slipping out of my fingers. i saw my life of love and happiness falling away to the ground. i could not hold on by being patient. i could not keep my mouth shut.
today i heard an inspiring message at church. i'm an imperfect person living in an imperfect world and i've grabbed at threads of hope and change my whole life. here i am alone and lonely and a total and complete mess. i do not know where to turn. people don't want to listen to my sad story. they have their own story to live. so i will go forward as a single woman. me and my dog. trying to get from this day to the next. i need healing with what has happened to me. i'm sorry i hurt you with my words of pain. i will try to be silent as you wish. i will disappear as you wish. forgive me please for being a failure in your eyes. but please also remember what was good and happy and full of love. maybe some day you will understand the level of my despair. however, i still only want you happy and complete. i hope you find that. i will end this world someday, maybe soon, and i hope you will not be glad, but rather be thoughtful of how deep my love for you has always been and always will be

for the past month i've been in hell. i've been desperate to get your attention. you know that you are on my mind 24/7 but have told me to leave you alone. i've been greeted by a cold shoulder and given no communication or updates. and now i find out that it is yet again, me who didn't do something right. i didn't call. i didn't ask questions. i didn't volunteer to give my last dollar to help with a situation that i didn't create? i am again brought back to the place of fucking up. as hard as i've tried, its all been for nothing. why do i bother? why am i even existing? why don't i just fall off the face of the earth so i can finally make your life better. it will justify everything that has happened. you can say see, she was a real mess..glad i got out of that. please don't put yourself in my shoes. please don't think for a moment that i am broke and that i would have dropped anything to have been asked to help, just so i could have been in your presence. i'm pathetic you see. god how lucky you are to have gotten rid of me. me the one who only loves you completely. wendee fucking idiot rily. why can't i just disappear? again i plead to god, make this all go away, please!

why have i failed my entire life? why am i so unlovable? why can't i be loved unconditionally and allowed to love back? why? god please i can't do this, please rescue me

my mouth - my worst attribute

i've come to the conclusion that although i'm not perfect, i have certain 'characteristic' (non) qualities that prove me to be less than others.
my mouth for a top one.
you see, sometimes i say things that haven't filtered through my mind first. i have rarely meant the negative things i've said, however my thinking is slow and it didn't reach my mouth in time for spillage. also, i've said things because i react so quickly to a situation and then very soon after i feel bad. however, the word was said. the statement made. the damage done. this has been a determent my entire life and i've suffered greatly because of it. i am not sure if i can fix this. i guess i just always hope that those who know me, know i didn't mean for it to sound like it did. i apologize and yet it doesn't matter. i fear that its too late in my life for people to not understand this about me, therefore i should be alone.
alone. i am alone. in a flash of an eye, i am alone. i hate me. i detest me. i don't want to be me anymore. being alone and sad is too much.

in pain .. missing so much

her voice
her smile
her hair
her shoulders
her laugh
her love
her trust
her ideas
her singing
her walk
her sleeping sounds
her hand in mine
her head resting on my shoulder
her kisses
her hugs
her life

every time i see her, my heart beats faster. my eyes mist. my mouth drops. my arms want to reach out and hold my love. but i can't. i'm stuck in a place that is in between. i am trying to protect myself from these feelings but there is nothing that can replace what i feel. if i do not see her, i miss her more. if i see her, i miss her more. i think of our good times and i tear up. my mind will not let me let her go. she hasn't set me free from the thoughts that one day we might be together again so i hold onto that thought every single day as i try to advance in my new life. i realize that she has lost her in love feeling and that is a hard pill to swallow. i'm not a first thought. i'm not a second, third or fourth thought. i fall way back in line now. i'm not a fool to think she doesn't love me. you can't have 13 1/2 amazing years then just stop. like you fell off a cliff or something. or can you? maybe. i do not know for i do not get the privileged to know my angels inner thoughts and feelings. those are not mine to have now. the next step is beginning this week with her and the kids moving into my apartment complex, in another unit, 3 buildings away. she wanted space. she wants me to not insinuate myself onto her and the decisions she's making. she wants me to not check up on her. she asks that i stay out of her business. to not step on her toes. she has lost trust in me and i am afraid these things that she says has now shielded her mind from all the good, all the happy, all the positive that we once shared. you see, i don't have this. i want her to come with me to the movies. i want her to eat dinner with me that i've prepared. i want to lay next to her and smell her perfume. i want my feet to touch her toes in bed. i want to wish her good morning as well as goodnight as i see her beautiful sparkly blue eyes. i want to laugh, to love, to live with my sweet dreamer. i didn't change my mind. she did. how do i set my own boundaries? how do i protect my heart? how do i live in this beautiful state of oregon which was my happy place and not have my love to share it with? how do i get past nightmare? its november all over again, every day. its january 21st all over again, every day. i fear this torture will never end...my torture that i alone live...every day of my life. oh god, please help me

Click

something clicked today. not sure if it was the headache that is constant due to the never ending tears, but i now have clicked into a different gear with hopes that my headache will eventually lift and my heart will become lighter. my understanding is certainly not others understanding, nor theirs to me. all my life i just wanted to be wanted. the desperate measures i'd go through to get that. the taking my first cigarette just so i would fit in. losing my virginity because my friends had and i would be accepted if i were to have sex with the popular boy. finding and doing drugs and become addicted, only because that is what everyone expected me to do. getting married to have children, expectation - or so i thought. being a good wife, a good christian would surely bring me admiration. team mom and den mother, id be liked and looked up to. working long extra hours, not calling in sick, that had to get me high scores, right? well this method continued into my relationship with wanting to help, to love, to serve, to cherish, to nurture and to build up. and where has it gotten me. to be deserted on, to be tossed aside - my time was up. i had 13 amazing, loving, fun and bright years with the 'woman of my dreams'. until i failed. somewhere along the line i let my guard down and didn't realize that i was fucking up. however, now i realize that it really wasn't me fucking up. i was just trying to survive, in my way, through some tough things. it was too much. instead of being loved more, helped more, encouraged more, spoken to more...well, that rug. so anyway, here i am back to the clicking.
i deserve much. i am a wonderful person who isn't perfect. i have so much to give and hopefully will find a way to give again to one who will smile at my failures and help me with open honest communication in a loving way. i must love myself now. i must hold my head up high and not allow myself to continually bruise and batter. i know me and i know this is not going to be easy, nor will it be quick. i've always had a trust issue so there is a lot of work to do. however, i need to declare this as day #1 in finding i have my feet on the ground and i will begin to walk again. ups and downs. praying for more ups to come. going to work on finding the ups in more things. busy work for sure. however i have little over 5 months to do this. check with me August 1st, ok?!

Friends

I love my friends! I want to push on from this day forward to be a good friend. I have a lot to give and a lot of laughs to share with others and I can cook for my friends and play games with my friends and love my friends as a friend should do!

From This Day Forward! You are my Friend and I love you <3

I want, I need, I crave this being said to me......

.....because that is what I think when I think of you.

tonight i folded her clothes from the dryer and put them away.
i'm afraid this is the last time i get to do this.
tonight i cried out my hurt asking why because i still do not understand.
i'm afraid i'll never get a reason that makes sense.
tonight i walked the rooms of this house we shared looking at the walls.
i'm afraid they also are staring at me with questions.
tonight i just want to feel right, or normal, or loved, or wanted.
i'm afraid that will never happen again.

tonight i wanted to run home. i wanted my mom to hold me and let me cry on her shoulder. i don't know how i can continue to cry - seems there should be no tears left to fall

i can't do the alone thing. i'm not meant to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i need my partner. i need to feel safe again. i do not feel safe. i feel as if i was thrown out with the recycling, to be used again by someone who will make promises that won't be kept. how will i ever trust again.

i'm afraid i will disappear from the world without the love that was once so brilliant and alive.

i'm afraid.

Almost Ready - Almost There - Almost Completely Alone

Well, I have the apartment.
I've been moving things in since Jan 29th when I drove the U Haul to my new 'dwelling'. I refuse to call it home. It is where I will hang my hat, lay my head down at night, and store my belongings.
I can't imagine it ever feeling like home.
However, I will push on. I will do the best I can. I'm going to allow myself this journey to try to be peaceful and still, because I can't plan anything right now.
I have to rely on my own skills, my own fears to be faced and try to vision life anew.
I moved to Oregon, I thought, to live out my dream.
To be with my sweet vision, my angel, my love of my life.
However, something came along and for whatever reason - I still really do not know - its ended. Poof. Gone.
There is nothing planned now.
No dreams.
No goals.
No longer do I awake with the anticipation that my day will be filled with happiness and laughs with lots of love.
Instead I continue to find myself crying myself to sleep and awaking with a heaviness on my heart.
The day moves along and I seem to function well enough, but then night returns.
The black.
The quiet.
I return to my bed and lap top.
The sad comes and I am alone again.
I am only waiting.
Wasting time from one moment to the next.
Nothing really special in between.
Just being alive.
It really sucks sometimes, this shit they call life.

its called rejection wendee, get used to it.
its called being lonely wendee, get used to it.
its called unhappiness wendee, get used to it.
its called empty wendee, get used to it.

people are funny. they say give it time. sing a song.
make the choice to be happy. go out. do this do that.

what they fail to realize is, without what was once had
there is nothing left. the rug still sits crumbled on the floor.
the legs still cannot hold me up. i fear this lump they call a person
will stay heaped in a spot until i fade to nothing.

there is nothing. only holes. only brokenness.

wendee no longer is wendee. instead a fake of the wendee
that once smiled. once laughed. once walked tall with knowing she was
secure with hope and dreams and love. pure love. once held when she was unhappy.
once told that she would always be safe and sercure. once she was told that wendees heart was her home. now the home is vacant. bare walls. no perfume. no sparkly eyes.
no embrace.

this wendee is not that person. this wendee is hurt and and sad and rejected.

a kiss on the head like a dog whimpering for attention.

get used to it wendee - this is now your life

Monday the 30th...almost February

BUSY Day at work. Busy day in my head. Too many things to think about. New place. Old place. Set up TV and internet. Work on projects on my job. Meet up group. Unload boxes. Find new places to put things. Don't act desperate. Be strong. Live cheap. Save money. Don't neglect sons and grand daughter and mom and sisters. Eat right. Exercise. Fly to California. Do everything on your own. Prove you can do it. Cry if you must but dammit do it yourself WenDee. You are on your own now. No one wants to do those things that you now find yourself needing to take care of. Damn. What is this shit anyway? Fuck it

Alone

I have friends. I have family. I am grateful. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to be there for me. The one I thought would always be here for me has vanished. She's gone. Onto her own life. Picking out her household things. Keeping busy with no regard to me, I matter zero now. I am nothing now. Why? Why? WHY!
I have no partner, no companion, no helpmate, no soul mate, no live in best friend, no confidant, no wife, no girlfriend, nobody. I am completely alone. I doubt I'm going to make it. I am not meant to be alone. I'm meant to be a partner. I was meant to be a mother, but I am no longer the mother who is loved and needed by my sons, only from a far.
I can't believe this has happened to me. I was promised always. I was told I'd be taken care of. I was asked to move to Oregon and told I would be loved and cherished till the end of time. I was given hope to be shouldered and lifted up - not just in the sweet and healthy times - but always.
I have been let down. What exactly did I do so wrong, how was I so bad to be swept aside? cast out of the life that was guaranteed to be all I ever dreamed of? To vacation to far away places with? To be loved and held and to feel safe?
I have been abandoned. again. I have nothing without this promised life that was pulled away from me, as if I didn't matter. As if I had no say. As if I were a monster. As if all I did for the last 6 years meant absolutely nothing, let alone all I suffered through to get here, to the promised land. Didn't I take care of you during hard times? All I worked for. All I expected. Everything is gone and now I am totally and completely alone. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate being hurt, and this hurt is a hurt I never saw coming...I never thought I'd ever see. And, here I am. A-fucking alone. I don't want this. I don't want my life like this! I want what I was promised damn it! This is SO UNFAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS GOD DAMNIT omg I can't do this. my soul is crushed, my spirit is gone, my life is over without my dream...what is there? NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I am worthy of love, I deserve love, and I will cherish this love

I am a giving and loving woman who will spoil her with surprises and breakfast in bed

I will take care of my lady and show her what true love is

I can be sarcastic at times, but with humor and a strong woman I will fall into her arms and love her all the more for understanding and being accepting

I will appreciate the differences we have and enjoy sharing her life as we explore and share our time together helping to open one another up to new and fun experiences

I will draw a bath and light the candles while music plays and wait patiently for her to come to me after she is rejuvenated - waiting to worship her in ways shes never known before

I will expect her to give herself completely to me just as I will give myself completely to her in return

There will be open communication and nothing can't be shared and talked about as we both have prior loves and prior lives filled with dreams, goals, hurts, pains and heartache, through opening up and sharing we will build our trust completely

I will support her while going back to school, or visit the family, or be with her children or any outside interest, just as I know she will do the same for me

I promise to not be perfect, perfection does not exist, but I promise to love and cherish her as we see each other in our true selves

I will love...again

And then she says there is no hope

Tonight Heather tells me there is no hope. She doesn't want to keep hurting me. She said we are done. Did I lose it? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I DID!

Whats next for WenDee?

Who Cares!

My mom is 81. She is alive and well and loves me. Yes, she has some mental capabilities that I've always been aware of and even though we have had our issues here and there, her love and commitment to me - her daughter - has gone on and on and on! She is my mom and I'm so thankful that I get to hug her and show my love to her in many ways.
My step father (my California dad) is 91 and is bright and mobile and driving! He has always loved me and accepted me for that past 35 years as just me. I can't be more thankful for this man taking care of my mom and loving her and keeping her safe.
My sisters are alive and well and have full lives! They are both married and in love and even though they take issue with how their baby sister lives her life, they always come through for me..always..I can depend on this.
My Son Jason married to an amazing woman now is a Dad himself! Jason being a nurse gives his love to all he comes in contact with. From the moment he was a little boy he just wanted people around him happy and well. Jason adores both Jennifer and now Jordynn and I'll always be thankful to God for gifting me with my first born, my Jason, my son who has never turned his back on me but has extended an extra hand to love me through the changes I've made and even in times when I've just been confused and sad. Jason, you have gone above and beyond in your tough life and the miracle of you that has touched so many will live on and on. Every time I see your face in my mind, I can't help but smile big for my love is so deep and so strong for you!
My Evan, my sweet, fun, active and caring boy! Growing up you loved to give me challenges but no matter what, I've always known how deeply you care about me to be safe, healthy, and happy. You went into the NAVY and that scared me! I knew how you didn't like to wake up early and how you rarely picked up your clothes and dishes. How were you going to be a soldier with all those restrictions? OMG! you not only succeeded but you were even an example to others and again, the pride I felt and feel today with the beautiful life you are living...I'm so happy!
My 3 bonus children are healthy and have full lives. They deserve much happiness in their lives and I hope they find it wherever they go and whatever they decide to do as adults. Ashley is sweet and caring and loves me sincerely. I will always be there for her. She is my 'daughter' and I've watched her grow and she loves me. I promise you Ashley, you always have me on your side! Christopher is so smart, he will be a wonderful engineer or anything else he ends up doing! I wish he knew more that I've always enjoyed his big wide smile and appreciated his dramatic ways. After all, that is how i was as a youngster :) I love you Chris and know that all I really wanted to do was help you mature and steer you in the right direction. Jonathan. I can't type Jon's name without welling up in tears. I love Jon as if he were my own. I'm sorry that the last couple of years while you have struggled to figure things out that we couldn't have gotten closer. These 3 kids are a part of me, and always will be, always.
Heather. Our lives were touched on that special day in June 1998. I knew right away how incredible you are and how you would capture my love and my heart if I let you. I gave in to those pretty blue eyes and that warm soft skin with those curls on your head! So bouncy, so young and vital, so smart and smelled so nice! The years went by and I didn't think it was possible to continue to fall in love over and over again, but it happened. Every time I see your face or hear your voice or touch your skin, my heart quivers with excitement. My love is so deep and so true and will be with you forever and ever, plus one more day. The path is shielded from your eyes and I hope and pray the sun will clear and you will find your way.
As I close this blog, I also want to include my true friends. I have learned that I do indeed have those who want me in their life, who actually would suffer if I were not in it.
Janyce....sweet Jan...1983 we met. We were both young and firm :) No children yet, you weren't even married! The years passed by and both of us bore our children and never let go of our special friendship. You've stuck by me all through the years with no judging, no hurt over the many months that went between phone calls, never a harsh word thrown at me. I love you Jan. Thank you for being one of my very best friends!
Diane...Oh Diane! What we went through in those early days, right?! I know there was some hurt, for both of us, but we each rose to become strong in our lives and move on in our journey of truth. You've been there for me so many times. The time Jason was in the hospital at age 12. When I was so sad coming to terms that I had to end my marriage. Hearing my stories of the incredible love I was in with my Heather. Then, when I felt my legs were broken and I fell to my knees in pain - when I didn't think I could get pass the sadness and be able to work or function, you encouraged me. You also never judged me and were available to hold my hand - by phone and over a thousand miles - and hear me try to deal with carrying on. Thank you for being one of my best friends!
Mike...my brother by no blood...I wish we had met when I was younger! I can just see you and I climbing hills and throwing rocks and laughing our heads off :) You are an incredible human being and a magnificent father. Don't EVER forget that you gave to both your kids beyond what lots of fathers never would do. You were an amazing example to Evan when you took him into your business and always gave him a place to hang out in, to laugh with, to be accepted and given love. I will forever be indebted to you for that and especially for letting me into your life. These past few months you've listened to me, you've laughed with me, and you hung out with me...even just to let me cry and drink a beer! I love you Mike, don't EVER leave me, ok?!
There are others: Jill, Danielle, Randi, Gen, Jake, Jessica, Patrick, Heather, Dave, Deepthi, Karla H, Jim, Ligaya, Lynn, Patti...I'm sure others that fail this old ladies memory right now :)
God knows my heart. The angels know my wishes. The earth feels my pain. Now, I just push on.
143