Dear God, it's me, wendy

God, why am i still here? why do i have to be tormented? every day. the struggle. i can't - i don't want to do this anymore. you've already proven to me my worth. it's nothing. i'm worthless, i just take up space, i don't want to be here anymore. i want to go. there is not one soul other than jason and jordynn that care and i know they will be fine without me. i pray that i can go soon. i hurt. all the time i hurt. my head pounds. my aching heart beats too loud. my memories haunt me every day. i have nothing that i need to do here any longer. my time is up. please God. please take me home. please put me and everyone out of this misery. no one needs me or wants me. nothing i say is right. nothing i do is right. nothing i eat is good. nowhere i go am i wanted. not even in my own home. i see the eyes, i hear the words, i feel the knife that pushes into my gut and my heart and my back and into my brain. words of repugnance and dispicableness. i used to be ok. i used to be loved. i used to be a part of it. i used to have friends. i used to feel important. i use to laugh. i use to matter.

i
don't
matter
and
i
can't
take
it
any
longer

Change, from wen to wen

at 56, you need to change
at 57, you must be changing
at 58, your change is showing
at 59, you hardly notice you've changed
at 60, you try to change others
at 61, your change is now you
at 62, you change a little more
at 63, RETIREMENT and change begins again

The countdown is REAL

Summer is depressing

Of course, every month is depressing when you are a manic depressive person. Right now I'm invisible again. No one sees me. I wonder what would happen if I never spoke a word without being asked a question? No saying hello first, or good morning. Just show up. Just do my thing, wear a fake smile in case the boss is around. Just be. Counting the days till retirement. Counting down having to live in this swelter and be around so many phony people. I hope to buy a little house tucked away in my heart home of Oregon. That is where my excitement is. Fresh air, light rain, green everywhere. Mountains, farms, winery's, downtown, lakes, beaches. Take the light rail to visit my favorite spots. Have my truck and trailer to go camping. Meet new friends that are cool, funny, friendly and accepting. 6 years......please go by quickly