Dancing With My Son

I realize this day was to be my son's and his future Wife's most monumental day of all their lives - next to having a child that is. However, this May day, was My Special Day!

My son was born in 1985 after years of fertility attempts, set backs, disappointments and a long 10 months of being pregnant. I believed I was the happiest expectant women in all the earth! I only got a tad nauseous in the beginning but for the most part saying I was Glowing was not merely descriptive enough to see how happy I was to finally have my dream come true and become a MoM.

The weekend before he was born I came down with the flu. Oh, I was ill beyond ill. And sleepy too. So when I showed signs that middle of the night I didn't rush to wake up my babies daddy or call the Dr. I just laid down and tried to sleep. However, by 6:00 I woke up Russ and he rushed around taking charge of the situation. At the hospital all was well. I was put on all monitors and inspected for "progress". The day went on. And on. And ON! Until finally, something changed my Dr's mind and an emergency C-Section was planned. Things were rushing here and there and in the delivery room we went. I heard Jason's first cry. My sweet little baby boys cry. Then, nothing. Silence, all but the operating team and doctors. I looked at the clock and it was 2:24 PM, Sunday. Next thing I knew, I was looking at the clock and it was 3:30. They had put me OUT and that is when they woke me UP. You see, Jason was born 'blue'. Blue babies are babies who do not have enough oxygen to breathe correctly, hence they lose their color. The next few hours were spent in wonder what was going on with our baby. Come to find out, he was born with Transposition of the Great Arteries, TGA, as well as a ventricular Septal defect (hole in the heart). Long story short, he was only given a 20% chance of survival that night which followed by months of hospital stays due to heart failures, infections and followed by major heart surgeries. Jason had a wonderful child hood filled with cub scouts, baseball, church trips, neighborhood basketball, swimming all summer and the like. He found himself at age 12 undergoing yet another open heart surgery. So, life for Jason was fun but also extremely serious. In the earlier years I would wonder what Jason had in store in his life. I always knew God had his hand on this young man! However, I didn't really look into his future too much - until he met Jennifer. This young lady captured Jason's heart and later my heart as well. I remember when Jason was 21 and he had yet another annual cardiac check up. I could not go to this appointment with him. However, I had ALWAYS gone to these Dr. visits with him! But, I realized that my duty for doing this was done. Jason was beyond an adult now and he had Jennifer. I distinctly remember they left and I told Jennifer, "Ask the Dr. this question and take notes! Tell the Dr. about this thing and that thing and see what he thinks about another idea.." You guessed it. I was handing over the torch. I was giving up my reign of power and relying on this new women in my sons life to take it on herself. I can tell you I was nervous. I was worried. I was sad that this part of my life was over! And yet, I was thrilled. My son is well.

My son who came into this world blue, married his love of his life - Wedding colors? Well, of course, a shade of blue (pool)

This is my son and I dancing....forever etched in my mind and in my soul.

I love you Jason and Jennifer!

Grumpy

Why do I seem to want to challange so many people when they say things? Do I want to be correct? Do I want to always be right? Am I controlling? This has been something I've been concerned with for so long!

When I began my intense therapy in 2001, my therapist caught that. I would say that I just wanted to know, more specific..I needed to know. Angela said, why? Why do you need to know? Hmmm... my answer 'because' was not a good enough answer for her so I've had to think about that question for all these years that have followed.

I now try to let things go. I really do try! However I fail a lot. I think I inherited this from my mom and my sisters, but that isn't a good enough reason for me to keep doing it. I am going to turn 50 this year. I really need to let go of these annoying habits. 2010 the year of letting go! ha, we'll see :)

Who of you wants to be Pampered?

So, I started a new business. I am officially a Pampered Chef Independent Consultant. Yeah yeah yeah, I know what you are thinking. What the heck is WenDee up to now?! This is my 4th business and haven't I learned already how tough that is?! Well, first of all I started this business for a tax break. I am sick and tired of paying the government each and every year because I get paid some money from my children's father. They call this support. I call it a pain in the ass! Oh, one day I might write a blog about my children's father in regard to this "spousal support" thing, but for now all I can say is the less he gives me the less I pay on taxes and that sucks cuz now he is paying me 400 less than the court order. I've agreed to this so that I don't pay so much in taxes. See my dilemma? Anyway, after this business takes off, I will have a write off. Actually, I already have my write off but the more I put into it, the more I get to claim :)

So...speaking of pampering yourself...I have only begun but I think I might just make this into more than just a tax advantage. Perhaps I can make a few extra bucks??! I started my first catalog party today and we'll see how that goes. I am having an "open house" to invite everybody I KNOW to my house and introducing my new company. Sigh. What have I gotten myself into?!

A Parents Love - or Not?

I love my children. I love all children in general. Sometimes it might not seem like it because I'm pretty tough on kids. However, I would never ever in a million years hurt a child's spirit or want them broken down. In fact, I will hunt down the person who did hurt them and get in their face with a, "what the hell are you thinking"? attitude. I have known friends in my life who have acted like they are going to turn their back on their kid just because they "won't listen" or "act up" or "lied to them". Hello! These are normal behaviors of adolescents and teenagers! They are just trying to become their own person. They turn into aliens with all the extra hormones in their bodies while going through puberty and they are confused when confronted by peer pressure and new schools and the entire dating scene. Don't give up on your child. Don't EVER give up. They will always need their mom or their dad. Be a voice. Even if its a one way phone call time after time after time. Keep knocking on their door. Keep texting their phones. Keep posting on their Social Networks. One day they will answer, I promise. They have to know that no matter what they can count on you to still have their back or still love them even when they have made the wrong decision. If you believe in God and that he is the ultimate Father, then you might believe that he also is continually forgiving you and taking you under his wing. He never turns his back and walks away. He waits. Quietly sometimes. But he waits until you say...hey....God? you there? I myself imagine that he breaks into this smile and says, hey! there you are, good to see you...come give me a hug! I am that parent. I will NEVER give up on my child. I will NEVER walk away. I will ALWAYS be the one person they can count on in their life, even if everyone else turns a deaf ear. No, I will not allow myself to be used or abused by them, that is not returned love or respect, but I will guide them into knowledge that I can still love and care through all circumstances.

I had a Father once. He loved me, I think. He pushed the shopping cart while I hung onto the back. He went swimming with me and threw me into the deep waters, only to be waiting for me to pop up and swim over to him. He took me to the beach with my family and made sure he bought me that special soda I liked. He took us camping and made great campfires and we sang songs. He wore silly masks at Halloween and took us trick or treating in those silly masks. The memories seem to fade though, because at age 12 my brother died and our family went into a spin. Dad was still around, I think, until my sister Paula got married 1 1/2 yrs. later and then Dad left. He didn't come back. Not to sleep anyway. I remember he was there standing in the kitchen once or twice, arguing with my mother. So much confusion at that time. Jump forward 8 years. I am 21. He takes me to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. I am sitting with literally a stranger that resembles the memory of a man I call dad. I ask, why didn't you come around? Why didn't we go do things, or stay at your place on the weekends? Why did you only come around when I was in trouble for getting a traffic ticket or getting in an accident, or even when the school called you in because they "didn't know what to do with me". What happened? Well, the answer was this: Your mother told me you girls didn't want anything to do with me. Really? Really Dad? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean....the mom that was crazy because her son died in a fire?...the mom that you told me you couldn't trust?....the mom that you left because you couldn't stand being around any longer? You chose to just say, "OK" and not come around? Where the hell were you?!! Why didn't you ask US if that is what we wanted? Or, I have an idea, why didn't you come around ANY WAY! You let a 14 and a 15 year old walk out of your life. I didn't lose just a brother the day he died. I lost my mom for 10 years. I lost a sister to getting married. I lost my Grandma and Grandpa because they were old and sick. And, I lost you. I never got you back. Yeah, you've come and gone since then.....21......I looked up to you in Las Vegas and said to myself, could this really be happening? Do I have my fathers love again? Does he want me in his life? Well, you moved away 2 years later to Minnesota. Another distance Dad. Not just by your choice, but because of miles. I was growing into my own then. WoW. These memories hurt. But what hurts the most is looking back at the last 29 years of my life and realize that you still aren't fucking willing to just love me. No matter what. You are the most stubborn man in the world. Dad. I'm sorry you lost so much. But Dad. I'm more sorry that I lost.

I wrote this little piece a long long long time ago -circa 2004 - and feel like postin it here today.

N Joy

I have discovered that this journey of life is an ever changing adventure. You go through your life learning and trusting and sharing and exploring, hoping to find people who will love and accept you. You become bold and take the leap and give your heart away. Just as you think your heart is safe, you find its been stretched and damaged and torn. Its hard to continue to trust...to keep giving...to keep looking for people in your life who will just like you and not judge you and not spit words at you that hurt and crush your soul. You must learn to love yourself. You must like to be with your own company. You must not expect much from others and hope that someone will fill a void. My children have completed me and yet I do not wish for them to fill that void. They will live their lives as they choose. I will live mine as I choose...until the day God wishes to take me home. I've made so many mistakes and wished I had taken a step back and rethought some of the things I've said and done. However...this human race is just that, human, filled with reactions that are acted upon and decisions quickly made. Being human means you have emotions and there are physical reasons why we sometimes do what we do when others look at us and wonder why we did this or that. I cannot say I'm sorry enough. I cannot help you get past anything. I can only love you. I can only accept you. I can only forgive and wish we could pick up and carry on. I am Me. Please look at Me and see Me. Please do not look at my body and grade me. I have failed in the school of outward appearances. I've put myself in detention at this school my entire life but wish to be free and graduate into a sense of acceptance. You may choose to accept me or reject me. If you reject me, then go away and forget my name. Do not talk of me in anger or hatred. Do not spit on the memory of me. Just go on and go away. But if you accept me, then love me as I love you. Unconditionally. I know you are not perfect. I'm thankful that you are not! Perfection is a fantasy that doesn't exist on earth. I smile at your human needs and the tenderness of you. I want you happy. I want to help you. I want to just be someone positive in your life. Please take my hand and be with me on this journey.
The road is not a guaranteed distance. It is only guaranteed to change..to twist, to turn, to be steep, to be slick. But, it will get you forward. Forward until the end comes.
Till then, journey on

The Sun is shining!

Bike ride May 2010


Normally, this fact would make me not smile. However, since losing 80 pounds I tend to like the dryer weather! No, I'll never like it hot outside but not being freezing or seeing my breath in the air makes me think of taking walks and riding my bike. I know, weird huh?! I am even excited about an upcoming camping trip. You see, being a large woman makes you not want to be outside. Being outside is where people see you. People can view your size and if they can view you they, of course, are judging you! This is my thought. Every single minute of every single time I am outside or around people. I fear this. I feel this. I manifest this until it takes over. I hope that I am getting better now, however still seeing my reflection in the mirror brings this back to mind. When I see myself I see all my faults. I do not see anything good, but only the fat and the old and the ugly. I wonder if that will ever change? I fear that it won't and I fear - most of all - that I will fail at this losing weight thing. You can say whatever you want to me but it really does not matter at all because it is what I think in my distorted (as people tell me it is) thought process of my mind. I do realize I need to find some sort of therapy or counseling. But my time is limited and quite frankly I'm just too selfish of my 'free time' to even better myself with it. I might be forced to seek help if things get out of control more so than it is now. Another thought has now passed and ended.

The Morning After

Today is a new Day. Why does it feel like its just a continuation of yesterday in my head? It was supposed to be all light and fluffy and clear this morning - however it is not. Today I realize that i hurt a lot of people yesterday and I don't know what to do about it. I woke up thinking that the alien me took over and now I have to fix the path of destruction I made. But then there is the other side of me that said...wait. I meant some of what I said! When I said I can't take it anymore, I meant I COULD NOT TAKE IT ANY LONGER at that moment in time. My head was in a whirlpool. My hormones were out of control. My emotions were higher than normal. My heart was breaking. My indecision of what to do was too much to even concentrate on even the smallest of details or the most innocent of a comment made. I had to run away. But, I needed to run away from me and that was impossible! Instead I retreated, I cleaned my room, I took 3 xanex over 3 hours. Sigh. All I know right now this minute is that I love my partner beyond words. I love my children more than life. I feel bad for yelling at Chris and Jon. I regret the food choices I made yesterday. I am still tired. I am at work and have much to do. AND, I'm still dealing with the finance issues, my menopause issues, and all other issues that existed yesterday but I can't let that get to me like it did. I MUST control myself. Please God, help me today.

What Happened?

Before Picture 288 pounds






There are times in my weight loss/recovery to better health that I just want to take a day off. I want to grab a bag of my favorite potato chips and just eat them one at a time until the bag is empty. I then want to take a new bag of Oreo's and dunk them in a large glass of milk and eat them until they are all gone. Then I think. Why? Why do I want to make myself look like I did again which everyone has commented on since how bad it was 'back then'? Well, I think because over eating those things that I enjoy most are my comfort places. They are the one true area that I could go to and be peacefully satisfied. I know this is weird to most people. You would think how can food make you find peace? I think its because there is nothing else that I can do which I am more used to do then eating wrong. I grew up eating crap. I ate lettuce leaves with sprinkled sugar and my mom called that salad. I ate graham crackers with frosting made of powder sugar and milk with food coloring and my mom called it after school snacks. I ate soda crackers (saltines) with butter and jam and mom called it my sandwich. I ate warm pudding with cream poured on top and sprinkled again with sugar and mom called it a simple dessert. Mom didn't mean to do this. But Mom did and it created a lifestyle of unhealthy eating choices.

I'm grown now (well, have been for 32 years!) so I should know better. But there are some days I want to be blind. Some days I'm so sad and lost and confused with why things keep popping up. I try to realize these are just normal daily occurrences that we just need to get past. However, some days are harder than others.