Last Day at Work

I am loved here, I am appreciated, and I am accepted.
I may have a bad day, but I'm not judged.
I may say a joke they don't understand, but they laugh anyway.
They share with me, they listen to me, they let me be me.
If I'm quiet, its accepted.
If I'm going through medical issues, I'm given patience.
If I have family issues, they allow me to be moody.
I can gain or lose weight and it never changes how they think of me. My performance and what I do while here is all that matters.

Kinda like a perfect relationship, don'tcha think?!

One more wake up to my alarm

Sigh.
Endings which will bring me to another new beginning.
Why can't things just stay the same sometimes?
I guess because not everyone is like me, that's why.
People change.
Family dies.
Kids grow up.
Expectations crash.

Yahoo! and WenDee meet head-to-head tomorrow for the last time. I've been crying all week, I'm so fucking sick of crying. I seriously think crying is what makes me FAT :)

Songs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6UD0c58nNCQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BNyRU0fKHAY

Sigh.

2 weeks from today

I will be driving away from Oregon. I picture myself doing this. I will look in the rear view mirror, a lot, and I know I will be sad.
Oregon will be my adopted home, not my home home, but my adopted home. This is where I know I will return one day. Plans on retiring in this perfect weather, gorgeous trees and slower lifestyle is where I must rest until my last days. My grand baby will be old enough to put on a plane by then to visit, along with her brother or sister. Evan will have children, and I will visit often! When they are of age, they also will fly to visit Grammy in that green place :)
I have 4 more work days after this. I'm starting to say my goodbyes and feel the end is so near. The ending to so much....to things I never wanted to ever end, but sadly, they have ended and continue to end. I have also fallen in love with my pretty apartment and hope to find one just as special in the Antelope Valley. Dexter and I will have our peace, within our new safe place, to push forward - believing that good things are here and will continue to come.
I love you.
me.

Three Weeks To Go

....and of course Oregon had to have amazingly PERFECT weather today! I call my kids and my mom and find out the temperature is a "normal" 104 today. yuck. But, so what. I will have AC in my place and in my car and its in all my friends and families houses! However, I'm hoping it will be the right type of inspiration to get me back onto a healthier eating schedule.
I was doing so well....then grief took over. Followed by shock, anger, and deep depression. This set me back with saying fuck it! I'm eating those chips, and those cookies, and that sandwich, that burger, those fries, ice cream...! Over my head, over the top, I can't seem to do anything in moderation.

I love too much
I miss too much
I scold myself too much
I eat too much

Cycles. I'm in another cycle. Cycles of life. Ups and downs. Right now getting back on track is all I can think of while closing this chapter in my life.

I have 8 more working days at Yahoo!
I have 19 more days before packing the truck
I have 20 more days before driving away from my dream life
I have 21 more days before I see my families faces - and hear them say: Welcome Home

Push on...don't look back without smiling and appreciating what was once so wonderful
We are all imperfect humans making imperfect decisions in an imperfect world
Some of us base our decisions on other people
Some of us get so confused as to where we are telling ourselves we should be
Some of us needs to be kinder to ourselves and carry on, moving ahead looking forward to the adventure that awaits.
This is going to be me! Not only do I deserve to treat myself kind, but I'm worth it. I'm a wonderful and caring woman who only wants to be a support to those I love. I am embraced by so much love of family and friends, constantly reminding me that my life has been not only a blessing to them and to others, but that I will find someone who is ready to share this world with me in an explosive powerful and loving way!

Now, to pack. To say goodbye. To wave to the blue/gray skies above and say:

Thank you Oregon. You were my home. You always will be my home in my heart.
Forever and ever, plus one more day.

*

Since Karla has died, so many things have gone to the wayside. My once sparkling clean empty breakfast nook now has piled up high papers and things not put away. My sink seen with only a glass or two now has dishes waiting to be cleaned. My once nearly always empty laundry basket is overflowing with both dirty and clean baskets of clothes ready to put away. My once daily made bed has covers askew. My once tidy apartment finds assorted 'things' here and there, not in their proper place. This is evidence of my how my brain is right now. My mind had just begun to accept all changes and become strong, tis now cluttered with reminders, memories and over flow items. Having one less sister, quitting my awesome job, moving away from the state I've fallen in love with, leaving new friends and co-workers who have stood so close by me, and knowing that the woman who I'm still madly in love with will no longer be near....its a lot. A tad overwhelming.

I've had to think through and push through changes recently so why am I a mess now?

My dream of a Hawaiian honeymoon vanished. My meadow where I met my soul to dance and play has shriveled up and died. Soft touches and skin to skin contact and meeting blue eyes....a thing of the past. Security, contentment, protection....gone. And now...I am shutting the door. No hopes for the window to be a jar.

So, I gather myself with a renewed sense of my normal - again - and re-discover my place. I am in control. I am in charge of my life. I always have been, just needed to remind my heart once more. The weeks will go forward and I will slowly pack up my Oregon into boxes. I will give away and sell away extra baggage that would weigh me down.

Live simply - Yet keep reminders of the wonderful years I have had. Onward and upward! (or downward you would say by moving south). But back to the love that has never left. A new life filled with new hopes and dreams and memories to be made.

Thank you God for showing me again my worth and your love.

Now onto cleaning this house 

Yahoo no mo :(

I have given my notice at work and my last day with Yahoo! will be Aug 31st. 
I will take care of my parents who need me, be with my grand daughter who will know me, live by my daughter in law and sons which will be a major blessing, hang out with my sister who've I've missed terribly, and return to long time friends who love and accept me. This doesn't discount the friends I've made in Oregon though. Some I feel are almost family and I will dearly miss them all. Thank goodness for Facebook because without that, I know I would feel extremely lonely.
I love Oregon - the weather and the beauty - and had planned to live out all of my days here. However, once the nest was disturbed there no longer was room for me and I had to fly. I've flown solo for many months and have learned my flight will go on most likely until my days on earth are over. But, I've grown strong enough now to move forward.

I understand that I am just someone of the past. Someone to 'get over'. I have no real importance in the life that was once my heart, my home, my soul connection. I get it. No need to bring in the mac truck. I will step aside so there are no reminders.

My Mother and Father (step) will now have my attention. My sons will now have my attention. My grand baby who I will hold and love and spoil! She will recognize me not just as Grammy in the box, but instead as the one who smiles at her and picks her up to hold her close.

I am scared. I am sad. I am excited.

But most of all, I am lonely and this must be remedied now, not waiting for any false hopes or sleeping beauties to miraculously appear before my tearful eyes.

I am Ready.