What do you want in your life with your relationship?

I believe most people have certain things that they can list, which can give them a feeling of peace and happiness. Let's lay out mine, shall we?!

1. Needed. There are times when people feel as if no one 'needs'  them. As if no one needs anything of them. It can also make you feel that you are done, that nothing is left to do or help for anyone 

2. Wanted. Along those same lives, this is something that keeps you going, when people want to be with you or hear from you. When the phone stops, the texting doesn't come, no invitations or parties that include your name. At this time you feel that you could disappear and no one would notice

3. Loved. When you are loved - and you feel the deep soul sense of someone loving you - there is the awareness you aren't alone. You will be held, kissed, loved on, and have those needs met as you willingly give back to your lover

4. Safe. Perhaps my #1 weakness. Without feeling safe, I want to hide. This is true in my work place, my neighborhood, my home and with sharing my thoughts. For when you are "safe", whatever you say or do in an emotional state or when you are upset, will not be thrown back at you as if to punish you for having that feeling or doing something silly. Your shared inner most secrets or ideas or even just thoughts, will remain safe with the one who makes sure you feel sane and safe. Without this you remain scared and guarded. Not an easy place to live

5. Trusted. When there is trust, you can do off the wall things and not be looked at as if you are crazy. You can talk to friends, visit new people, go out to lunch, play games with acquaintances (computer games!), etc. and you know that you are trusted and can have a carefree spirit. Without this, how can you be truly any of the above? 

Quote on depression: "People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again."

One day

I’m reminded many times in just one day why I should no longer be living. I’m told I have no friends and laughed at and told I’m angry and I act like I do nothing wrong and that a few simple short words gets spoken by me in what I think is a normal conversation, but before I realize I must have said it sarcastically or with a tone or whatever......then the punishment begins. I’m in a hell that has no door. Why am I a person who can be picked on or belittled or spoken to do condescending...as if I were a child? Does she know how close the rope is slipping out of my fingers? How fragile my mind is and how I self loathe myself enough for both of us? 4 people stand in my way. How easy that could turn to 2 any day now, so push a little more, drive me over the edge. You can shame me when I’m gone. You can play those videos you threaten to have so the world will see “how I really am”. One day the door will open. Then it will shut. One day.