i've never meant to hurt people, and yet people get hurt.
i've been in so much deep pain for months and i try so hard to figure everything out. how could i have been different? and when i say that out loud i feel like i would have compromised myself by being 'different'. i only was trying to hold on tight to what was slipping out of my fingers. i saw my life of love and happiness falling away to the ground. i could not hold on by being patient. i could not keep my mouth shut.
today i heard an inspiring message at church. i'm an imperfect person living in an imperfect world and i've grabbed at threads of hope and change my whole life. here i am alone and lonely and a total and complete mess. i do not know where to turn. people don't want to listen to my sad story. they have their own story to live. so i will go forward as a single woman. me and my dog. trying to get from this day to the next. i need healing with what has happened to me. i'm sorry i hurt you with my words of pain. i will try to be silent as you wish. i will disappear as you wish. forgive me please for being a failure in your eyes. but please also remember what was good and happy and full of love. maybe some day you will understand the level of my despair. however, i still only want you happy and complete. i hope you find that. i will end this world someday, maybe soon, and i hope you will not be glad, but rather be thoughtful of how deep my love for you has always been and always will be

for the past month i've been in hell. i've been desperate to get your attention. you know that you are on my mind 24/7 but have told me to leave you alone. i've been greeted by a cold shoulder and given no communication or updates. and now i find out that it is yet again, me who didn't do something right. i didn't call. i didn't ask questions. i didn't volunteer to give my last dollar to help with a situation that i didn't create? i am again brought back to the place of fucking up. as hard as i've tried, its all been for nothing. why do i bother? why am i even existing? why don't i just fall off the face of the earth so i can finally make your life better. it will justify everything that has happened. you can say see, she was a real mess..glad i got out of that. please don't put yourself in my shoes. please don't think for a moment that i am broke and that i would have dropped anything to have been asked to help, just so i could have been in your presence. i'm pathetic you see. god how lucky you are to have gotten rid of me. me the one who only loves you completely. wendee fucking idiot rily. why can't i just disappear? again i plead to god, make this all go away, please!

why have i failed my entire life? why am i so unlovable? why can't i be loved unconditionally and allowed to love back? why? god please i can't do this, please rescue me

my mouth - my worst attribute

i've come to the conclusion that although i'm not perfect, i have certain 'characteristic' (non) qualities that prove me to be less than others.
my mouth for a top one.
you see, sometimes i say things that haven't filtered through my mind first. i have rarely meant the negative things i've said, however my thinking is slow and it didn't reach my mouth in time for spillage. also, i've said things because i react so quickly to a situation and then very soon after i feel bad. however, the word was said. the statement made. the damage done. this has been a determent my entire life and i've suffered greatly because of it. i am not sure if i can fix this. i guess i just always hope that those who know me, know i didn't mean for it to sound like it did. i apologize and yet it doesn't matter. i fear that its too late in my life for people to not understand this about me, therefore i should be alone.
alone. i am alone. in a flash of an eye, i am alone. i hate me. i detest me. i don't want to be me anymore. being alone and sad is too much.