Sad, but I must still try to live on

I got through Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. I tried so hard constantly praying and kept believing it would come. But as the sun shows signs of a sunset soon, no Christmas miracle that I held onto for months is coming my way. I’m so thankful for my other son Jason, who sees and hears my pain, who has much patience with me, who doesn’t feel that I’ve abandoned him in any way as he feels my heart because I miss my 2nd born so very deeply. I know he’s Ok. I don’t know if he’s happy, but I hope he is. I simply want him happy and safe. As the end of this year is rushing to be over, I know I need to keep praying for him, that I will not give up in. He’s a father and a husband, but he’ll always be my son. My blond beautiful inquisitive kid. I’m thankful I have so many wonderful memories because those can NEVER be taken from me. You may have my son, but you’ll never own his soul. I love you Ev.

20 years ago?

Today is 12/21/18. 20 years ago was 12/21/98. I can’t wrap my head around that time frame. Seems not at all that long ago and yet I’ve lived 3 lifetimes since then. I’m damaged now. Worn out. Wasted space that I promise  I’m going to fix, soon. I will rise again. I’m committed to turning those new leafs and digging in to make it all work out. I now have 5 years before retiring. I have work to do because in 2023 I’ll have 20 years left to live life to the fullest!!