life

seriously, life shouldn't be taken seriously.

wait, what i mean to say is life is a joke.

no, don't think that's quite it.

life is what you make of it. there, that seems to fit.

crap happens and you listen, ponder, and move on.

its impossible to determine how to live according to your circumstances.

because serious - or what the world deems so - comes and you are told to not take lightly, don't repeat mistakes, don't sit on your hands..react.

why should you let something that happens to you negatively, become so powerful over you?

now, i believe you should take heed. you must learn from the negative.

actions and choices are made to try to convince your mind that it must not happen again because the pain and self loath or disrespect to the one who produced the negative in your life is going to go away and at one point, hopefully sooner rather than later, you will forget and it will no longer bring that sting of pain. so it will no longer have value. so it will no longer be important. but will you still remember?

i hope you do. i hope you remember what you said, and what you did. where you failed and where you gained. where you got ahead and where you tripped. where you could have made a decision to be right or to be kind. 

be still oh heart of mine. embrace the good and the happy and the positive and push away the bitter and the cold and the negative. 

this is serious. 

something different

Today we will try a little test.
Lets see if we can add daily to a list of gratitude's . I am grateful for much and sometimes because of the negative situations that come into ones life, I can be sidelined rather than in the game playing.
Today I look forward to much.
I am happy to have a girlfriend who has an amazing power which is love. I've never met anyone as loving as she and here I am, her chosen one. So today I am so grateful for HER.

forward

One day ends and another begins
sometimes you just have to exist to survive
just be awake and up and moving
and people will think you are happy

but inside you aren't

they will never know if you don't show them
don't let them see that they 'got to you'
and you can exist
and survival comes from simply existing

Summer days ....

August has always been the longest month of the year to me. It's too warm, TV shows are on hiatus, ice cream is too tempting and big bodies get overheated in the sun. August always seems to remind me of negative and for that it is my least favorite month. Weird how a certain time of year can change ones thoughts. I guess that's not so different if you think about November. November brings crisp breezes that flow through the air and is refreshing (to me). I am reminded of family with the holidays coming and seeing decorations and people smiling and greeting each other - usually a little friendlier.
It has been a weird few weeks. Who am I kidding, a crazy two 1/2 years! Some days things are amazing and wonderful and so happy that I am overwhelmed with the love that is all around me and the people who are so good to me.
Then....a day pops up and anxiety and panic consume me.
Today is one of those days. I begin my new job Monday and I hope that the tomorrows outing will wash away the heaviness. With Nikki's hand and the ocean in front of me there is much hope that it will. I'm just glad that my baby grand girl Jordynn is here with me today. She is the best medicine that I could ever have. I wonder if she will ever realize that because of her I am still on earth today?
I love you Jordynn Marie <3 p="">

My dear sister, oh how I miss you....today was your day and Mom and I talked about you all day. We shared stories of when we were young and I shared with my Nikki this morning what I pictured you looking like today;
Long flowing golden locks of hair, whisping past you as the breezes flow your hair behind you. Your smile is large and your eyes are bright and full and blue. I see no wrinkles or blemishes, only smooth beautiful skin of a warm tan under a white dress made of a gauze type material. Your arms are spread open wide and lifted slightly toward the heaven. I guess my vision is you are an angel, a heavenly spirit of undying love and compassion. This, my sister who I miss beyond words, helps to sooth the open wound that is still left on my heart. I love and miss you, birthday girl.
Our California Dad is in the hospital and he is so tiny and he is so weak and frail. And yet here this almost 94 year old CONTINUES to surprise everyone with words that fall from his mind out of his mouth from that old little face. I can hear what you would say, and I can see the tears that would flow from your eyes as you joke with him still and talk to him close to his bed. He loves you Karla and is thinking about you as he lies on that hospital bed knowing that he may or may not return home, and what condition he is in and what is sure to come soon. We all send our love and our kisses to the sky and beyond. Happy 55th Birthday.

Where has all the time gone?!

WoW...two months, really? I've not been here for two months!
Time has flown, it's been really so busy...so full...so exciting and yet much stress.
AV Pride 2014 came (last Sat 5/31) and went but not without much fanfare. The weeks building up to this cities most anticipated LGBTQ day was filled with busy days and busy nights. The last minute planning, last minute changes, last minute driving to pick up banners and supplies, last minute 'pick up the pieces to those who flaked', and last minute excitement! The day came and went....but not without a plethora of crazy. I'm so glad I had my Nikki at my side, or the day would have gone down as one of the worst. But, with her at my side we smiled and even enjoyed meeting people and going to the comedy show and ending the night with the main stage seeing Alaska Thunderfuck!
Yes...my Nik. We found each other in March and we are inseparable now. She is a breath of fresh air, a light to the darkness, a help to my outstretched hand, my shoulder, my reason to laugh, my appreciation of rising each day, and my comfort at night. The best thing about Nikki....is this is what I am to her. Yes, we found each other....that is the best way to describe us. We were both ready, had both been through being used and lied to, and neither of us were 'looking' for the right person, when suddenly....we bumped into each other and a familiar yet new connection took place in our hearts. The spark and the instant knowing that we were supposed to be together happened. There was no doubt that the Universe placed us at the perfect time for the perfect meeting of two imperfect souls. And....we are so incredibly happy. The future became immediately clearer and I can't wait for our tomorrows and what it will bring with my amazing and adorable Nik! Love. I am in Love. And.....it is spectacular! :)

Smiles

From lies to love, from secrets to honesty, from red flags to fireworks.
The universe has blessed me
I'm ready for the next scene sir...ready to take center stage
Here I will live and love and laugh
Improvisation and ad-libing as we go
Rules are gone and possibilities are endless
Breathe. Enjoy family. Enjoy being cherished.
I am deserving of the moment

PDX

Oh how bittersweet this time it will be to fly into PDX. Honestly, not sure how I feel about this trip. Yes, seeing Evan and Rebecca will be great. The wedding I'm sure will be a lot of fun and very exciting. However, There were so many things I had planned and wanted to do for this trip that are just not going to be happening. Instead of sharing my time, I will be alone and discover downtown. I will walk those streets. Stop at the starbucks at the square. Watch the max come and go and probably sit and just stare. Stare at the big block that once held my laughs and my joy. Those times we were crossing over that square at night. Those times at the farmers market picking out berries. Seeing sand castles and flowers spread to walk around. Music played festivals filled.
Ah PDX...I'll be back soon and not have these wrenching memories.
That will be the day.
The day that I will celebrate in so many ways.
Until then, carry on.

Love vs Infatuation

Infatuation is instant desire,
one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows,
one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.
You are excited and eager,
but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts,
unanswered questions,
little bits and pieces about your beloved
that you would just as soon examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet
understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real.
It gives you strength and grows beyond you,
to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by her presence,
even when she is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You want her near.

But near or far, you know she is yours and you can wait. 

Infatuation says,
"We must get married right away.
I can't risk losing her."
Love says, "Be patient.
She is yours. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.
Whenever you are in one another's company
you are hoping it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence.
When she's away, you wonder if she's cheating.
Sometimes you check.
Love means trust.
You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
She feels your trust and it makes
her even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later,
but Love never will.
Love lifts you up.
It makes you look up.
It makes you think up.
It makes you a better person than you were before.

Day Number 1

Again :)

Aren't we all just really living our lives with starting over again? I know I have...in my mind, in my heart, in my body, in my house, in my job, in my choices...in my life.

I've been too sick, for too long, and I need today to be No. 1 on the road to recovery. Not just with my lungs and with my spirit, but feeling 'alive'. I've felt close to being a non living human being and I don't want that. I have no choice to live or die, I know only God will decide that for me. I know this, I've always known this, but I remind myself again of this.

I do not know where the new road will lead, I only know that I am on it and I just have to step one foot at a time. Where it leads I will only know once I've gone some distance and turn my head over my shoulder to really look at the path I just completed.

There is living to do, people to love, family to care for, spirits to lift, and weak ones to support.

Lord help me, this is going to be something! But I know it won't be worse then what I've gone through and that I will be happy with where I'm going :)

Now, I need to clean out this place and get rid of crap. Things that weigh me down. Clothes I will never wear, gadgets I'll never use, boxes of things that will never be displayed again. Yes yes yes...I will not tackle it all at once, but it is in my short term plans. By July 1st this place will feel lighter and I will be healthier - mostly in my spirit and in my soul - and I will grab those rings that are set before me! I will have some direction and make important decisions. Say it. Repeat it. Live it. BELIEVE IT

Can't people hear me scream? I know it is only internal, but seriously, don't people see me?
I'm dying inside, no, I've already died inside.
There is nothing left of me and I don't want to wake up and try to go through the days only to try to sleep at night and forget my existence
I want this to be over
Two years of death. Two years of constant reminders. Two years of a virtual downward spiral. I'm on the floor, i'm dead but still taking in oxygen. How do I fix that? How do I end this nightmare? I cannot go on. The knife is a continual stab to my heart.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody hears me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
God, PLEASE, Please take me.

A continuum

Valentines Day - 2014

What does this day mean? Why do we celebrate such an event with more candy giving, more money spent on ugly stuffed animals, flowers that die and elaborate dinners with gorging of drink and dessert .. Pink and Reds everywhere, with glitter that sticks to all surfaces and poems that mean nothing

Well, without having a sweetheart, I can tell you why.

Because it is the idea. The idea of love and that you matter and that you are special and deserving. You are praised and cherished and adored and worth 'every penny' and then some. You are held in high regard and told you are important and freely given smiles and warmth and hugs and ..... love

I started yesterday with praising me. I began a dance with WenDee. I was kind and gentle and loving and full of praise. I was patient with her and held her and yes, treated her just as a princess should be treated. I smiled at her reflection and soothed her skin after her cry...bathing in bath beads kept for only those special occasion. It was a special occasion, it was honoring me. The me that is so deserving.

This Valentines day I woke in a haste, for I had not slept long. Remembering the very late night which was a short time ago and how the eve flowed into the early morning hour....the crying....the holding....the words the time spent. And just like the day before, I freely gave to myself in a caring manner, primping and honoring me. Today was my day, it belonged to no one else.

In the morning as I went to work, I walked through the rows and rows of beautiful flowers. Roses and carnations and daisy's and hibiscus. The reds and yellows and oranges and pinks...soft pinks, bold pinks, bright pinks. Yes, pink is my color. I gathered the group as it called out to me and put them into the vase which sat proudly on my desk. Throughout the day every time I looked over I was reminded how special and important I was - to myself. To my inner being. To my God. To my younger being. There nestled close to that vase was a heart shaped pink box filed with chocolate delights. Purchased for one person, thoughts of only her. They were meant to sit in memory of the sweet tastes of life that I have lived. Every chocolate to me represented a year. Happy years, sad years, growing years, loving years. I gave thought through the day of where my life is now, how I got here, and where I want to go. What is my passion now, who matters to me and who will be allowed to have a part of me - even if only in friendship. I have a right to decide if I shall allow them in; bringing them to the place that reveals Me. I will protect that spot, She deserves the scrutiny of the selection of whom is allowed.

The day ending perfect with my little family of my son and daughter in law and granddaughter. This perfect set of 4, so much love, lots of giggles, joy over flowing.

This is life. My life. Life as it is today.

I will choose every day how life will be lived - it is up to me and no one can take that from me.

Goodnight

She let go

She let go.

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear.

She let go of the judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.

She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.

Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn’t ask anyone for advice.

She didn’t read a book on how to let go.

She didn’t search the scriptures.

She just let go.

She let go of all of the memories that held her back.

She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn’t promise to let go.

She didn’t journal about it.

She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.

She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.

She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.

She just let go.

She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.

She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.

She didn’t call the prayer line.

She didn’t utter one word.

She just let go.

No one was around when it happened.

There was no applause or congratulations.

No one thanked her or praised her.

No one noticed a thing.

Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.

There was no struggle.

It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.

It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face.

A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…

I'm too tired to keep trying. Too tired to search for rainbows.

There are no more treasures left to be found in my universe.

I am empty and lost and sick of what is called my existence now. 

Here is my towel, tossed into the ring.

Find me dear Lord and help me up closer to you.

Lead me to your place.

I don't want to be here anymore. 

You find answers hidden in everything
sometimes they are not in bold writing
but they really are there .. you just have to
look closely and you will see.

You'll find that
words are just tossed about
promises made
intentions discussed
sweet sugary sounds
fail

Memory Reflection

The scent of her perfume called to me, asking for a spray which was added to each wrist. After a brief moment that familiar aroma surrounded me with memories that flooded like an avalanche of water after a sudden storm.

I applied her lotion to my arms, remembering the silky smooth skin that once was touched so lightly against my own body. The feeling like a pillow, soft and fresh, warm and loving.

Her picture nearby caught my eye, the smile she had so bright and wide. The day it was taken was such a wonderful event, one that I shall never forget. Her laughter still fills my ears. 

These memories do not haunt, for they were genuine and spirited, of times that were filled with love and happiness. 

After time has passed - one can look back with loving times and appreciate what was happy and good. Reflections of all senses.....Seeing.....Hearing.....Touching.....Smelling.....and yes, even Tasting.

Time moves forward, growth set in, the mind that realized what the heart never wanted to hear.

Memory Reflected off surrounding thoughts. 

It's a good day.