day before the end of the year

i want this year over. along with having the best thing ever happen - getting a gorgeous grand daughter - the worst thing ever happened as well. today is hard.

i need to keep reminding myself constantly:

keep mouth shut.
don't ask a question.
don't try to make a joke.
don't ask if anything is wrong or i will get the eye roll.
remember the rules.
add a new rule.
give it time - my next cut off date is january 15th, extended from the 31st of december.
write in the blog.
read a book.
stop thinking about what you have lost.
think about what you will gain again someday.
go for a walk.
go for a drive.
watch tv.
stay away cuz you are not welcome right now.

damn it i wished i was feeling better down in so cal cuz i forgot to buy my tequilla. now i have to go to the bar and spend a fortune there on the stuff.

oh well, it will keep me busy, for a while, until it is over, then i get to go home, and go on my computer, and watch tv, and go to sleep.

my life is too exciting for words!

Anyway

when do i get to be me again? I look forward to that day.

when is the way i talk or ask a question get to be accepted as its just me, being me? I will keep trying to be patient while waiting for you to see me as me.

when will i stop being put down or made to feel stupid? I will keep reminding myself to
be completely silent to a reaction, and to be careful in the words or questions I say.

when will that be fair for me? It is not about me right now.

when is the time going to come that i am simply accepted - warts, farts and all - again?
I know this answer, it will be when I accept me for me, all of me, mind, body and soul! I will come to realize that The positive things people say to me will be true in my eyes.

when i say something, when are you going to smile again? I will smile at you anyway. I will love you anyway. I will choose to be happy anyway. I will be strong, anyway

RULES TO THIS GAME

I've run out of answers, I've asked the questions too many times. I might be thick brained or the chemical balance within me isn't allowing me to penetrate what is being told to me. So, I've written down my new rules:

1. Do Not talk about the "problems"
2. Try to just have a normal day
3. NO 20 QUESTIONS - or ANY questions actually
4. Keep Praying
5. Find my inner strength through this - remember the obstacles I've had to over come in the past - this will carry me from one day to the next
6. Do NOT put anyone on a pedestal - even if that confuses me, it is not accepted as praise
7. Be a separate person: Looks, Interests, outfits, parenting style, goals, dreams, laugh, smile, handshake..u get the point
8. Check in - but only with the facts
9. STOP ALL NEGATIVE!
10.Do NOT Question on decisions that have already been made - mine is not to question why
11.Do NOT comment on an opinion or a statement made - mine is not to communicate back at this time
12.Read, Research, Study and Relax
13.Get medical help I need with menopause
14.Reflect on the good - not everything sucks - look beyond the circle as there are good and happy things in my life still
15.Tell myself every day that my worth is great

Merry Christmas?

So, I flew down to So Cal on Wednesday 12/21 (our 13 yr anniversary of first meeting) only to have an interesting day with mom and dad. I was extremely reflective and quiet and very patient. I've been working so much on me and trying to calm down without jumping like I have done WAY too much the last 2 years. It was quite revealing. I witnessed much while being an 'observer'
Thursday I visiting a friend and it was extremely therapeutic! I was so happy to have been with Sue on this day. I was able to talk to someone who got to hear my 'story' without having any personal interest vested with us. Anyway, she gave me GREAT feedback! Then that night, my long time friend Jan came by Jason and Jennifer's. It's ALWAYS wonderful seeing my long time friend. Janyce has accepted me through so much in my life. She's seen me go through heart ache, through struggles, through much growing, and through my years of being a mommy! Jan, I will cherish our friendship ALWAYS.
Then at 3:15 AM Friday morning I threw up. Thought I ate something wrong or too much but no, this throwing up kept happening along with diarrhea. Long story short: The Family was due to come over to the house for our 'Christmas eve' gathering and that had to get switched to moms. Then, the next morning was supposed to be big breakfast at mom's, that got switched to the hotel. I did go to the hotel to see everyone - at their insistence - and I hope no one gets sick! Karla got sick...but I think she might have caught something before I saw her. Anyway, I feel bad
So, this trip was weird. Had to cancel my flight home from yesterday to today. weird. Its Christmas, I'm not with Heather, and I'm sick.
THEN.....................
I fucking blew it! OMFG! I did what I SWORE TO GOD I'd NOT do again...I got selfish right after we got home! Heather did an innocent thing and I took it personal and got sad. OMFG! WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO LEARN?
I'm in therapy.
I have past issues to deal with.
I need to grow strong.
Heather needs to be allowed to show her true feelings and not be scared.
We have growing pains to get through.
I'm going to trust we will AND we will be SUPER better in the long run!

Till then...damn it....
Please God, SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I deleted two posts I had published while gone. One was on Wednesday and the other on Thursday (I think) but I deleted them because I felt stupid after having a conversation with Heather.

Anyway, I'm not going to do that again. Maybe I'll just add a PS post later, but I'm not going to delete my words. These are my thoughts. This is my life I'm going through. It isn't to please anyone else. Its to get my shit out of my head and put down somewhere!

So, excuse some rants that you might see, I'm a work in progress here!

love and kisses,
the bitch working on being bella again <3

Will you be my friend?

I laugh to myself how my attempts to find a friend must appear to those who have it all together. Although my desire is to go places, experience new adventure and spend off times with Heather...there are times when she is working or away when it would be nice to go do something instead if sitting around the house. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out at home. I love watching TV, playing my computer games, cooking, reading, talking on the phone, etc. But once in awhile doing something outside if the house with a pal who I can laugh with, share stories, have a partner in crime! I have some really sweet young people at work that are adorable and are my work friends, but I'm talking about the kind of girl who shares similar interests: gay or gay friendly, loves to laugh, isn't a skinny mini cuz that's a tough one (!!) and is at least within a decade give or take, of my age! If Heather and I are off work together, then I want to be with my sweet, fun, adorable girl. But, if she is working or visiting with one of her old friends, then it sure would be swell to have a friend or two I could call up and say hey, let's go grab a coffee and people watch! Or..let's go for a walk downtown. Or..wanna go play bingo with me? Catch a movie? Grab a drink? Until that happens, I need to find peace with going out alone. Or better yet, finish those crochet projects I started!!!

4 U

The electricity...swarming, encircling, enticing.
Touches light and soft, warm and sweet.
Her fine hair running through my fingers, the smell of
her skin creating an aroma that is so familiar, so intoxicating
I remember that first day, then the next...her smile wide with
the twinkle in each eye as she gazes at me from across the room.
Each time we meet, those butterflies of excitement grows more and
more powerful until we fall into each others arms once again,
renewing.
Those times would fly so quick....
Then one day the clock stood still, the parting was no longer
necessary. We were alive! Together! Never to Part Ways.
Oh joy of joys - flowers were brighter and the sun shone brilliant!

Love...pure and simple...not perfect - but close :)

None other ...

There is no one like you,
you were made just for me.
You've touched my heart in places
no one else could ever reach.

You've brought beauty to my world
and comfort to my soul.
Your smile has lit up my life
such a sweet sight to behold.

It's all the little things,
that make you uniquely you.
the special ways you've given to me
in everything you do.

You've ruined me for all others,
because nobody can compare,
to the way you have loved me,
shown me the many ways that you care.

It's important that you get it,
so important that you see
I believe you were made me for,
my precious - my darling - my Heather Marie

Good WenDee / Bad WenDee

I think I need to type these things out and add to them as I remember the good and bad qualities of who I am

Good:
1. I am a giving partner
2. I am a fantastic mom
3. I am a loyal employee
4. I am a loving daughter
5. I take care of my hygiene
6. I do not dress embarrassing
7. I am a great cook
8. I love to make other people laugh
9. I am a great hostess
10. I like others to feel comfortable in my home
11. I will go out of my way to give someone a ride, buy them lunch, or take them a meal if needed
12. I am a giving and passionate lover
13. I smell nice
14. I have a pretty smile
15. I have nice eyes
16. I put others before myself
17. I do not ask for riches
18. I love to play bunco and board games and have fun
19. I love God and ask for forgiveness when I know I've done wrong
20. I learned early that the ones not 'normal' are lovable and deserving to be loved and befriended

Bad:
1. I can be sarcastic at inappropriate times - who wants to be around this?
2. I can joke and sometimes it isn't always nice - comedians suck doing this to work out their insecurities
3. I have put people down when I've been hurt by them, but never to their face. Never.
4. I have not been the best sister, although I've tried, I know I've failed.
5. I cheated on my husband because I was too afraid to face my sexuality truth - being completely unfair to him
6. I've taken pure love for granted thinking it was always there and now I'm paying dearly - I might never learn how to do love right and it would serve me right to be left completely alone
7. I was picked on by the pretty and popular girls because I was fat so I burned little bugs with a magnifying glass to punish them - this is sick and wrong
8. My brother died when I was 12 so I didn't think people lived long so I didn't invest in my future, and didn't take things seriously enough - Weak and selfish
9. My dad left at age 14 and my mom told me he didn't care to come around to be with me, I believed this story - where was my backbone? Maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have a daddy, even back then and I probably wasn't.
10. Instead of talking to someone I could trust, I took upon the abandonment of my brother, father, sister (she got married right b4 dad left), mom (she took off working, dating, and going dancing), and other sister who hung out with her friends. I stuffed my face with food until I was sick and laid down on the rug in front of the refrigerator in the kitchen because of the humming comfort sound and the heat that it exuded - weak weak behavior
11. I was used in a sex game at age 15 so I began using sex as a game and did not trust what people told me - why the hell couldn't I just shrug it off like most anyone would have? Weak.
12. I was date raped at 16 and learned to never trust again - I should have learned before this happened but I wanted to please too much, very bad character flaw
13. I took drugs that my new sexual friends gave me, smoked pot and stayed out all night just so I could feel accepted by someone - pathetic
14. I lived in a lonely marriage because I had children and swore I'd never have them come from a broken home - only to break it up later anyway which hurt them even more. Selfish fucking me left her husband anyway which was unfair and everyone got hurt anyway.
15. I continued to be a fat pig stuffing my emotions down my throat in the form of a burger and fries, and was a constant loser in my attempts to look normal - sabotaging any hope to be a regular person

Pondering....

I'm a little confused. With the events of recent, I've had to think so fricken much. Maybe I should have been a deeper thinker before, but I guess I just handled things as they came. Don't get me wrong, I am a planner. I like to know whats going on today, this week, next month, next vacation, the holiday, etc. However, most of me just 'assumed' so much as I have lived the last 10 years or so. For example, my feelings of what a relationship/partnership/marriage was. Here are my thoughts:
1. Having that special person that 'gets you' when many others don't
2. Knowing you are loved and accepted - faults and all - forgiven when you mess up, and talked to with why what you did hurt them
3. Having childhood friends, friends from before you met, or work friends that are accepted and encouraged - but including them now in your relationship whenever possible. Not forgetting that once in a while its fun to get away with that long time friend to be a child or young adult with and enjoy that special relationship too - all the while making sure your partner understands they are never to be a substitute of wanting to share time with you
4. A safe haven, when the storms of life are fierce
5. Companionship. Having a forever dance partner, secret keeper, audience to laugh at your jokes, and a secured date to all parties, plays and movies
6. Cheerleader for when you want to step out and apply for that job, go back to school, begin a new diet, or take up painting
7. Someone to be honest with you when you really shouldn't wear "those pants" out in public
8. Fellow dreamer of dreams and wishes. Listening to you and smiling at your innocent far off dreams - even if its to win the lottery, move to that cabin in the woods, or care for a garden
9. Sitting together - doing totally different things - but sharing the same space so every once in a while you can look over at the other with a smile knowing you are happy and content just "being"
10. Understanding that the other needs to sometimes have their time alone - taking a drive, going for a walk or bike ride, climbing a mountain, visiting mom, or even just sitting on the porch. Knowing that this time is for them to refresh and reflect and come back to love you even more.

I don't want to be alone. My desire is to have my constant companion. This is how I wish to live. This is how I need to live. This is what I expect.

Am I asking for too much or do you have a different idea of a lifetime commitment than I do? Hmmmm

Friday 12/09/2011 had a hysteroctopy

Yeah, I didn't know what that was either until I was almost going into the procedure. I had my little outpatient thingy done at 7:30 am Friday morning. Heather and I were at the 7th Ave outpatient center at 6:30. Can I just say how simply amazing it is to be taken anywhere by this woman? She is so confident and really gives me strength when she is at my side.
So, they explained all that was going to be done - basically go in through my cervix with a camera and see whats going on inside there and the Uterus. What they found was some growth in the cervix and the Uterus that was removed. It has now been sent out to pathology to determine what is was/is. I'm pretty sure they are polyps and we will find out why I got them in the first place! Is it because of being borderline poly-cystic when I was younger? Is it because I was pre-menopausal way too early (35) and given hormones for 7 yrs to prevent early menopause? Is it because 1 1/2 years ago I put myself on to estrovan (walmart brand however) and black kohesh to prevent my hot flashes and mood swings? I guess that will all be discussed in the weeks to come!
Coming home I took pretty good care of myself, well....not in the eating department. I had a super HUGE set back. I am reading a book that is bringing up some mental pictures and memories of my childhood and I kind of gave myself the gift of binging. (a gift? what an oxymoron) Not so good, but it is what it is! I ate 3 donuts, a container of lays potato chips and then Heather brought me home a double western cheeseburger! Which, was AMAZING...but it left me SICK. I was nauseous the entire night, literally. At one point I sat on the toilet from 1:30 to 2:30 not sure how I was going to be sick so I was prepared for both. I didn't sleep, much. 30 minutes here and there. I think by the time I left my bed this morning maybe a total of 3 hours.Anyway, back to my medical issue! My shoulder is still sore, but bearable, thank goodness. I am still light headed some and have a sore throat with a light cough. These things I was told are typical side affects after being under anesthesia. I am hopeful with a good night sleep tonight I will feel a lot better tomorrow.
I'm sitting here today watching TV and catching up on some work emails. Also, packed up some gifts getting ready to leave on the 21st to fly down south.
I talked to Heather just a little today and wow, do I miss her! I am getting healthier in my head. I have promised her that December is her month so I will keep trying to resist pushing anything on her.
I've not checked up on anything like the AT&T bill, her cell phone messages or texts, facebook, emails, nothing! I'm actually pretty proud. I have a true sense of complete trust and its very liberating! It is getting back to how it was those middle 9 years we had in this 13 year relationship. The first 2 years were hard for me to trust, the last 2 I sorta lost my mind with being overloaded with my lap band surgery with a new way of eating in my life, my hormones, my dad BS, Jason Morris dying, the wedding, the baby, etc....but now I am working on getting rid of all those delusional thoughts that were comfortable for me to slip into. The mind is so weird and yet incredibly complicated and fascinating. Off to sleep now, taking a nap I hope!
To my DC: Even though I am trying to not push, I also might not know when you are ready to let me in, completely. Just give me the sign, the word, or the touch so I'll know :)

Be Kind

Today I did not cry. I know, right! It was a wonderful feeling to not feel so empty mentally and emotionally. Sure, there is still some sad that remains with me, but I'm choosing to really try super hard to look at the positive and the bigger picture.
I put up a few Christmas decorations, including a small lit tree and the nativity set. This alone helped a bunch I think. I also wrapped some gifts. Can't wait to see my grand baby and Jason and Jennifer and my momma! I leave in 13 days. So close to Christmas!
I pray for the love of my life to feel my heart, hear my heart, know how very sorry I am for hurting her with my accelerated tones and harsh words. Please God, keep reminding me of the choices I am making and wish to keep for the rest of my life.
1. Words can hurt.
2.Do not hurl any insults.
3. Think.
4. Quiet yourself before speaking.
5. Choose to be kind
6. Give of yourself
7. You do NOT need to be 'right'
8. Always love over hate

Tomorrow is my procedure. I pray all goes well and whatever the find they can get rid of and that it isn't cancer.

Amen.

i know, i know! I have 4 followers. but NO ONE READS MY SHIT!

Dear Diary Blog,
1. Have had my cramps again. It sucks! WTH, I'm in menopause and I have cramps? Really, with so much going on in my life I don't care about this abdominal pain because it actually feels good to have pain in other parts of my body
2. Bleeding. Yup, its happening again! After the cramps...here it comes! Today was day #10 taking my "stop the bleeding" pills so I'm thinking tomorrow will be heavier and even crampier. Joy to the World, the bleeding comes!
3. My shoulder has only gotten worse. Went to the Orthopedist and he found that I have bad inflammation with rotary cuff tendonitis. Yup. He explained, the tendon is so inflamed (why? Probably from stress in my body with it being too tense exacerbated by the extreme vomiting I had when I had the allergy reaction to the morphine given to me when I was at the ER on Fri the 25th). So, I had an ouchie cortisone shot put into the tendon. It should help within a couple days. Pain is SO bad tonight that I took an OXY tonight
4. Cant work. Between all the above, I cannot sit at my desk - need to keep heat and drugs in me - and therefore can't type. Tomorrow (Thurs the 8th) I will open my work lap top and do what I can from home.
5. Yahoo! Pride Holiday party on Tuesday the 13th. I'm in charge. What?!!! Yeah, I know! Hope that the Christmas miracles keep happening and I'll be ok to go back to work on Monday and Tuesday - as I need Wednesday off cuz my hair man had to reschedule a bunch of times due to this holiday crazy time. So, this party is going to go off with a wing and a prayer!
6. Biggest for last - Heather is very off balance still. Went to therapy and she was cold as ice. It felt like it was her against me. Still so freaking weird to me. My love, the one I'd die for and move heaven and earth and promise to love until my dying breath, spoke to the therapist saying she was scared. Scared, of me? I was shocked and I'm still more confused than ever. However, something happened. I sat there thinking ok, I've had one week of non stop crying. Of begging Heather to forgive me for anything (everything) that I did wrong, what ever it was. Apparently there is 2 years of pent up stuff that has bothered her but she's not brought any of it up to me in honest communication. I've been sad. Worn no makeup because of the crying. Had a constant headache. The sadness level is deeper than anything I've ever felt. I can't believe I have hurt her so bad and not known it. Anyway, Liz - the therapist - helped to illustrate something that Heather was trying to describe. I got it. I need to let up. I need to work on me. I can't work on her. She has to work on her. I need to get strong and I need to find WenDee. I need to be happy and I need to feel proud. I have to smile at my own reflection and not have it be fake. So, I took a few steps. I did my best to not text or call her. Give her space. Let her find her inner happiness then maybe, just maybe, she will come back to me and say: "OK, I'm better and ready to be us again". That day will be the happiest day of my life! But, until then I'm not supposed to buy her stuff (I've always bought her things?) I'm not supposed to push her (what do I say? how do we communicate?) I'm not supposed to have her see me cry as that makes her feel helpless (gosh, I'm so sorry that I'm so sad and this is how I am going through my pain) But, I get it. I need to really step aside and not let any of this be about me. Its about us. These are growing pains, working thing out, so we will be better.

Please dear God, PLEASE have her come back to me! Please remind her of how good we are together. PLEASE have her miss the Heather and WenDee that has been amazing. Amen.

Tears

I did not think a person could cry so many tears. I wake, I cry. I remmeber a moment during the day, I cry. I look at her beautiful face as she stares off, I cry. I miss her spirit surrounding me, I cry. I go to bed - she falls asleep - I cry until I am beyond pain in my head. So many tears, why so many tears? Because. Because she is trying to find her balance. I toppled her. Heather, please, my love, my partner, my confidant, my happy boat, please come back to me completely before these tears make my eyes bleed

An Open Letter to My Love

I hurt you. I did not know that I was hurting you. But, I hurt you. Its weird to think that just last month you were calling us "that couple". That couple that others wish they could be. What happened from then to now?

How could things turn upside down? I'll never be able to say I'm sorry enough. I'll never be able to take the pain away. Those times when I got mad. When I over reacted due to things the kids were doing. Or work. Or my medical stuff. Or the hormones that are just all over the place. I'll never be able to take back my anger that was cast out at my Father. I must have tipped some sort of scale then that sorta stuck. I let things get to me. I must have taken things out too much at home and at you. Weirdest thing, you are the last person in the entire world that I would want to hurt. So odd. So fucking messed up.

I fought to have us. I looked to the day when I was able to make the move. We both were so happy! Remember when we would sit and smile and hold hands saying...I don't have to fly home, I AM home! The joy in my heart and in my eyes - the same eyes that met your eyes and saw that joy in you. We took drives, sang silly songs, went to crazy stores. We bought matching TShirts and ate yummy food. We began riding bikes and we took our walks. Remember the silly times at water aerobics? I loved making you smile and laugh and it was my proudest moments. I am always the happiest when I'm at your side, no matter what we were doing. Just watching a TV show in the living room, just talking in the kitchen, walking the puppies, it never mattered. As long as we were side by side we were happy.

What happened?

How could things change so quickly and become so dramatic?

Why can't you love me like you once did, and for so long?

Why am I not good enough? I'm human. I make mistakes....did I make too many? Did you never make mistakes? Did you make too many? I want to breathe again. I want to hold you again. I want to be on the same page with you. I want to marry you.

Oh please God, Please touch her heart. Please help me to help her. Please let her release the anger and the hurt. Please help me to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn here.

I want us back. I want to be That Couple.
Forever and Ever - plus one more day

LOL

Yup. LOL. LOL'ing at my life is my every day occurrence. Someone recently told me that I did it to someone before, so maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe its my turn to have it done to me. Its now my time to suffer. I didn't suffer enough as a child and a teenager, bullied, molested, raped, abandoned.....I need to suffer some more. I deserve the suffering. I might do enough repentance in my life to finally have some relief, but I doubt it. I doubt I will be deserving to have a simple and happy life.
1. I'm too fucking complicated.
2. I want too much
3. I ask for too much
4. I push
5. I suffocate
6. I don't allow those to be free
7. I give too much
8. I do not give enough to me
9. I have too low self esteme
10. I do not value myself enough
11. I put you first too often?
12. I suffocate - I break - I am a fuck up - Why the hell should I keep trying? Its too hard. Its too fucking hard to perfect in this GD world. I can't be me and just fucking live! I have to think. Think all the time about every GD person. Fuck it. Where is my cabin in the fucking woods? Give me my 1 bedroom retreat and I'll grow a garden and learn to garden. As long as I have the internet I'll be fine. I lived a life of loneliness for many many years I can go back there. Do I want to? Fuck no. But can I? Fuck yes. Give me my computer. My TV. My books/magazines. My garden. My puzzles. My dog. I'll be fucking fine. Then...I won't bother anyone. I will not be this person who 'hurts' who 'punishes' who 'isn't ready for the world. I can be the Grandma that my children and grand children will visit. I will cook. We will play games. We will take walks and gather wood and stones. We will pain. We will invest in what spiritually makes us smile.
This is my life

somewhere I lost it

i feel like i've totally lost. if i have, i can't imagine what i'd do. i have lived the last few years of my life so completely and totally in love with my heather. now, i am not enough. i knew this was happening. i did something very stupid so i gave more ammunition to what was already a fire that i did not know had started. how dumb could i have been? how many years must i live with thinking i deserved something wonderful. what a pity. i'm totally empty today. i lost.

Tipping the Scales

Last night I stepped too far to the left. I was hurt. I was lonely. I was confused. I was feeling once again that I failed, always a failure. I am upset about BT. I think there is much more there and have asked repeatedly why? and to have an honest answer. I don't think I am getting that because I think they want to protect so much that all will not be given to me. Independence. Wanting sense of self. The world feels cold now. The grey skies that I love so much now feel like heavy anvils waiting to fall upon my head. I am expected to find me. I am expected to like/love me. I am asked to be kind to myself. My mind sees only the visions that was witnessed in disgust. I cannot trust right now. I am more lost at this moment than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel my soul hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. I do not know how to do this. Maybe tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light. But not tonight. Tonight its dark and ugly and smelly and flesh dripping in vile vomit.

sometimes

I have this gift. People laugh because they don't understand. I rarely tell people about this gift because sometimes they mock me, push me, test me, or simply dismiss me. However, I have a gift of knowing people. It's like they are exposed before me of what is in their heart - what they are thinking of, what they are hiding from. Most of the time I feel sorry for them because they are just being dishonest with themselves trying to run. Its the people that I am the closest to that I read so well, yet they try so hard to 'prove me wrong'. I know what I know, but the more I push the more they tell me how very wrong I am.
Its always comes back that I was right.
Always.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this gift so I could learn to trust more. So I could believe in fantasy or miracles or just the unknown and how it might all work out. However, its not the case.
I also wish that this gift could be used on myself in regard to things happening around me. Oh, its not the people. As I've said I already have them figured out even if they will not admit that I am/was right. Its about things happening to me.
My job.
My health.
My life in general.
Found out I have either a cyst or tumor on my left ovary. This is why I've had pain for the last month or so. However, during an internal ultrasound I found out I have something going on in my uterus. Could be fibroid cysts or tumor that just need to be removed. Could be a thick lining that needs a D&C. Could be cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. Could be cancer. wow. I just typed the word cancer and it feels weird to type that word. it's like a final word. cancer. hmm. I was in the ER, than admitted into the hospital. Then came home. And I was supposed to forget all about what I just went through. Forget my own pain. Forget my own insecurities. Forget it all.
I will call the Dr. tomorrow, the GYN, to set up an appointment. According to the ER Doc, this needs to be done ASAP. I guess they want to do a endrometrial biopsy. yuck. it hurts like hell. I had one once. I felt like I was being raped then had an abortion all at the same time. It feels like a total violation. And, so, here is the first day of the journey. What road is this going to be? cancer? who knows. sometimes it is. sometimes it isn't. we'll see soon enough.

11 days since the last time I wrote

Let me try to catch you up.
November 13 I was in a dark place. My dark place gets smaller and smaller some days. I'm not sure why it even exists because I am so ridiculously thankful for the many wonderful and amazing things in my life. However, it does remain that place - over there - in the corner. Waiting behind the black door with 3 hinges. There are no windows in that small room because there is no need to see out and certainly I do not wish for any to peer inside when I visit this room. So, sometimes I visit that place but I always end up emerging...and I gain strength. Until, the next time!

I'm going to put some bullet points up here to try, again, to get everyone up to speed :)

• My grand daughter Jordynn is so ridiculously adorable! She is the most precious thing in the world! Jason and Jennifer are enjoying being parents and love their little girl so very much. They have just moved down south, back to Southern California, to where they have found a rental house (a huge one!) which is 7 minutes from Jennifer's moms (Karin) and 7 minutes to my mom!! Jennifer's brother Kenny is living with them and there is a steady guest room (my room!) that I plan on using, a lot!
  
• Jason got a job working in home health care with the Antelope Valley Hospital. He will start soon and after a few weeks of training will be visiting patients to care for. I'm pretty sure most of them will be post surgery patients that need wound checks, etc.
• Jennifer got a job as a supervisor in a medical office - I think! I don't have the particulars yet, but I know she is thrilled. Jordynn will be in day care, but its the day care her best friend used for both her babies so it can be trusted.
• Evan is doing wonderful living in Corvallis OR with his girlfriend who attends college there. While still going to monthly NAVY drills in Springfield OR, he also took on a resale job at K Mart to get his bills paid. He continues to hope to find a M-F job, preferably paying a lot more than he's getting now! He is happy, is strong, so handsome and I love this guy to PIECES!
• Today is Thanksgiving but I am working. I will be cooking my turkey and famous dressing on Saturday, as usual. Evan will be coming over after work and Johna will be joining us. Chris will not be with us and Ashley has to work so it will not be a large gathering. I plan on preparing some food Friday night, doing some cleaning, and then up early to roast the bird and work on the side dishes.
  
• Ashley is working her heart out at Macy's. They love her there and she loves it there but quite honestly, they have taken full advantage of her sweetness and do not give her more than 20 hrs a week and have never given her a pay increase :( She is also going to school and loving her french and ballroom dance classes. She takes a couple other serious classes and does so well! Chris, well not so much. He is having a difficult time. He of course has been brain washed and mind manipulated by his father so it is hard for him to know about reality. He failed a couple classes, has not taken work seriously enough, and got a speeding ticket that he totally ignored (and didn't tell his mom or I about it, we had to find the ticket in his room!) Right now we just pray that the hard lessons we are trying to teach him will bring him good and that he will remember how much we care but we will not let him continue to try to BS with us and around the house. I had to pretty much kick Chris out after the stunt and I hope Chris will learn that I am not going to allow him to stay in a house with his bending of the rules, showing disrespect and lying to all of us. He has a younger brother to show an example of and he is now 19. Grow up dear or leave and grow up then come talk to us. I just hope Heather knows its about helping him, not to hurt him! Jonny, well he is doing OK! He just turned 17 and got his ears pierced. He will not make school his #1 priority as he should and has not found a job. He is not going to take up sports right now and, well..he enjoys being with his friends and "hanging out". I love it when I ask what did you do? "we hung out". I know exactly what that means! We smoked cigarettes and talked about girls.Yeah, I did that too, haha!
  
• Heather is amazing. She is my continued rescue ship, my partner, my audience, my ring leader, my strength and my life! I never in a million years could have asked for a better 1/2 than she is.
  

MY DREAM:

To get married legally so the federal government will recognize us as equal to all other couples in America that marry for the same reasons. Heather says she could give a shit about the feds. I say, no way! Its not fair and I am going to fight for this right.

(update added 12/08/2011)
I realize I don't care any longer about waiting for the feds to approve my marriage. I still want that, very much so! However, life is too short. You have to find the happiness that is within reach for the here and now. What is here now is my love for Heather and how a wedding with all that I dream of will become the reality! When the feds say ok, then we will slip off to the court house. But, I do not wanna wait. I want the dream to come true now.

That's all for now. I'm not feeling well these last couple of days and grown tired with all this typing!

I hope you are caught up now, at least on some things. I love you - you know who you are ;)

up to no good

I feel like I am and should be invisible. I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel like I'm a phony and I don't really have anyone. I don't trust anything or anyone right now. I'm not a cutter or a druggie or even an alcoholic. But I feel I should be gone because I feel no sense of life right now. I don't know why heather loves me. I think everyone is laughing at me - except my two kids - and I feel that I don't deserve anything positive. If I were braver or had any money I'd pack my bags and head to a remote 1 room cabin where I could hide from the world to finish my life however long God wishes to let me live. I am not reaching out for help, I just believe you might understand my deep core of pain and sense of empty. I've never approved of myself so I expect none from anyone else. People laugh at my jokes. They like my upbeat words I have of my partner and kids. They are curious watchers just as they are of zoo animals, freak shows, and car accidents. Interesting for a moment, but quickly forgotten the next. I am completely empty right now as I lie in my bed shameful of all that I do and I think. I am sickened when I go over in my head how I've been a complete idiot when I've thought that someone likes Me for me or when I think flirting is appreciated. The reality side of me wants to hit my head against the wall so I can remind myself to stop making me appear such a fool and to end the illusion that I am normal when all I can see is fake

Why?

why does it happen all the time. life is going by, you are happier than you feel you could ever be. it seems as if everyone is smiling. everyone is loving. the colors in the world are bright and the birds are singing and the smell of life is everywhere.
then a brick falls from the sky. you see stars and the light dulls. your head feels like it has been divided in two and you will never be the same again. you say goodbye to life in this moment, feeling that its over. all that you had hoped for. all that you thought was real. all that i wanted so bad was a dream and it never existed. it was a foolish glimpse of how others live. i could never be worthy enough to have so much beauty for i am nothing. i am a joke.

Me - Who loves ya baby!

So, I'm trying to get back to posting. I want to go back to the last post and give 'daily' updates. It will take a minute or two, but it will be worth it! For now.....

Looking ahead, I know who I have in my life to count on - who really knows me and loves me.

To my mother, she is amazing and loving and kind and has always loved me and tried in her way to show this love through my childhood, my teens and my adult years. I know I was tough at times, but having to live through the hell we had to live through, I know you understand why. I forgive you for anything that was not meant to be done to harm me, as well as I know you have forgiven me for the times I reacted and behaved as I did.

My partner, she is my inspiration to continue to be 'better'. The 2nd half of my life has already been beyond any happiness I could have ever hoped to find. You are the happy breaths I breathe daily. My only wish is to die looking at your beautiful face with the smile that YOU placed on me that day in December <3

My children who support me, reach out to me, and love me unconditionally. My daughter in law who has shown me that blood does not a family make and has blessed me with the grandest of all grand daughters! My step children who have put up with two moms, and love me anyway! My friends - the real ones (you know wh0 you are!) - who accept me, include me, laugh with me, cry with me and never forget the "real me" and overlook the times I'm grumpy! My puppies who love me unconditionally and keep me warm and always smiling! My job, even though I might not always 'love' it, I am thankful for it and for those who are with me there and who appreciate what I am there to do for them and the company. To my sweet niece (and grand niece!) and adorable nephews, you are more dear to me than you'll ever know :)

To my sisters - I love you but you do not know me. You've failed to try to treat me fair and see my life, even though I've always tired to take into consideration the changes you have made in your lives. You've treated me with disrespect at many turns and failed to allow me to be equal. You've vented to me, you've not listened to me, and you've always expected something different from me than I am. I am truly sorry for that. However, I will never not love you for you have both brought much joy to me. I forgive you.

To my biological father - I know you never understood me and see things as one dimensional. Its OK. I forgive you for that and I hope you can look back on your life - at the age you have reached - and be content with the choices you have made. To his wife, you are a mean, uncaring, selfish, disrespectful, angry, sad and confused woman. You pretend to be one thing but are another. I think it had to do with your cultural upbringing as well as the parenting you have had. I take that into consideration and do not hate you because of it.

I am trying to love me for me. To not beat myself up because those who mattered so much to me didn't love me the way I 'wanted' the love from them. For me to become healthy, I have to LOVE MYSELF COMPLETELY and accept that I am not perfect and keep going on. I will not give up the me who I already love, and yet I will keep trying to be better in the areas I am sure can improve!

Thank you

How I feel Right Now

Like this post or not, I really don't give a shit.
Here is how I feel:

I'm angry. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I do not think there is a soul that is alive that understands me and maybe, just maybe that is the way my life will go on. I should be alone? Whatever. I've never been right, why start at age 51?!

Grammy WenDee!!!

So, I'm a grandma! Actually, I've been a grandma - or as I prefer to be called, Grammy - since August 19th 2011. Our precious little Jordynn Marie Riley was born at 2:31 AM weighing in at 7 lbs 3.5 ounces (since when do they go 1/2 oz?!) and measuring 21 inches long. Jason says that the Dr. said its more like 20 since her head was cone shaped due to the delivery :)
I cannot express how much I love this little girl. It's so new, yet she has always been a part of me. How is that possible? I always wanted Jason to become a father. Due to him having so much medical work and x-rays and stuff, I really was never sure! I never wanted to voice my fears as I didn't ever want to really contemplate the alternative.
Now, Evan stated quite a while ago that he will have many children. My fear for him since he was around 15, was that he would have 3 children, by 3 women, none of them being a wife. hahaha! He's changed a lot since then!
This little girl has completed Jason and Jennifer. They are the most adorable parents and are going to do a magnificent job, I just feel that deep within my being. And, I and Heather will love this little girl forever and ever and ever. I hope Jordynn will always know that she has an amazing father and mother. She could not have asked for a Daddy who would love her more or a Mommy who will protect her more. These parents will do anything to make sure she knows she is as special as she is and will become!
Jordynn: I love you!!!! xoxoxoxo

Drafted 8/14

And so I did. I sent an apology. I just wanted the weight of the yuck to leave me. I thought it might help with freeing me so I could concentrate on myself again. I thought and thought and thought a long time before sending an email. This is what I sent:

Dear Dad and Gloria,

I wish to extend my hand asking for forgiveness for what had happened during the emotional period following my sons wedding last May. If you believe that I was too harsh, then I am sorry for that.
I don't know what else to say other than please let things just rest. There have been far too many words already spoken thus far that have caused so much hurt.

I wish you both well.

Love, WenDee

AND two days later I get this fucking piece of garbage from a woman who is evil to the core:

WenDee , this is Gloria. I just want to let you know that I have accepted your apology even though it does not sound very sincere. However, I don't think that, that kind of apology is fair to your Dad. Not only are you trying to make it as if "he believes that you were too harsh" but you are not admitting to doing anything wrong.

Do you really believe that it is fair to your Dad to just say I am sorry? You not only screamed at him in front of all the people at the hotel restaurant, but you continued to insult him through your E-mails, calling him names that I would never even think of calling my enemies. Then telling him that he had never given you anything. Your Dad sent you an E-mail reminding you of all the things that he had given you and done for you in the hopes that you would understand where he was coming. Instead you turned it around and told him that those were things that he was supposed to do and that he never thinks of anything but money. Don't you think that hurt him? Also, you have contributed to the fact that your children, HIS GRAND-SONS have stopped talking to him. Jason has never even sent an E-mail telling us they came back from their honeymoon. At Christmas time, we sent Jason and Jennifer Christmas money in their Christmas card and what happened? they cashed the check, but we never heard anything from them. It has been over a year that they got married and have never heard anything from them. Don't you think we know who poisoned their minds? Evan was the same thing. We found out that he had enlisted in the Navy, but he never contacted us to let us know. We still have not heard from him. He was the one that was always very sweet. He told us at Paula's wedding that he was so thankful that we were his grand-parents, however we have not heard anything from him since that day. You sent us a very nasty E-mail because we had forgotten his birthday and his Christmas gift, but you expect us to give them gifts and cards etc when they don't even notify us of what they are doing? And who is to be blamed? We couldn't send him anything because we did not have any idea where he was.

Your Dad is very, Very hurt not only with you but with your children. He knows that their minds have been poisoned, but they are old enough to know better and to know we have not done anything at all to hurt you or to hurt them. He has been very hurt with all the hurtful things that you called him when you started sending those horrible E-mails and calling us cussing and calling us names that like I said, I have never used in my life and I would never used to insult my worst enemy let alone my own dad.

You know in your heart that we did not do anything wrong. Paula had asked us to please be there early since we had to change clothes, I had offered to take pictures of her while she was getting ready, etc. We had promised her we would do that, and we knew that you could find somebody else to take Jason and Jennifer to Simi. Any way, I don't think I have to go through all these. I understand you were very "emotional" because Jason was getting married, but there was absolutely no reason for you to take it out on us and not only that, you continued with your nasty ness and your hurtful insulting E-mails and calls.

Please think about it. I am not being nasty, just like I was not nasty on my previous letter. I just want you to think about all you have done to your dad and be more remorseful of all the hurt you have caused your dad and really ask him for forgiveness.

Like I said, I accept your apology, I love you but you did not hurt me like you hurt your dad. He is the one that loves you very much and that resulted on his being so hurt. Please think about it and if it is in your heart, either call him or send him an E-mail really telling him what is in your heart. I am sure he would appreciate it and help the healing

Gloria

Fuck you Gloria in your hispanic ass! You are a cruel mean person who never bore a child therefore never had an ounce of understanding what it means to be a parent.

Fuck you Gloria for speaking - once again - for my father.

Fuck you for calling me names again. Saying I poisoned my children against you and my dad. You did the bullshit poisoning when you treated their mother like scum and told her to go to hell.

Fuck you Gloria for thinking my son had any obligation to call you when he went into the Navy. Fucking bitch you don't deserve to know anything about my sons or my life.

Fuck you for not calling them and being the bigger person. Oh, wait, that's because you are evil and not a normal person who has no idea what taste and respect is with other humans.

Fuck you Dad for allowing this wicked witch to get in the middle of you and I. You beat my brother and he left home the minute he could escape your bitterness. You abused my oldest sister by belittling her over and over again, to the point that she has scars and now will do just anything to get you to 'love her'. Problem is you have no idea how to love. You cast my middle sister out of your life because she was an emotional basket case before she was diagnosed with bi polar. You never attempted to get her back. I think you were glad to have one less child. My brother died in flames and smoke and I wonder if he EVER thought about you before taking his last breath, I wonder if he questioned why he wasn't good enough for you to accept him as he was?

Well, FUCK YOU BOTH if you do not accept me as I am. Fuck you for pushing and pushing and pushing. You do not deserve my love nor that of my children and I'll be damned certain you won't have anything to do with my grand daughter.

I hate you for hating me. I hate you for rejecting me. I hate you for not ever knowing how to have the fucking BALLS to come to me and talk. I will get past this. I will survive. I will not allow you to keep me pushed down to where you wanted me to be.

what a *B* itch

I get a random email from my step mother asking me to beg her for forgiveness. She says "It is time to make amends and ask me to forgive you. If you don't think you can do that, then it would be better to forget you have a father" oh, and before she says this, she states: "Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if a daughter understood what to HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER the way God commanded her means?"

Yeah piece of shit, you go ahead and just wait for my 'apology' ... better yet, why don't you just go color your hair and make your homemade burritos and forget your husband has 3 daughters, not 2. After all, he's forgotten that by now. Nice cherry to my rotten day.

Magical Orcas Island

Orcas Island - In the San Juan Islands

July 16 2010

So, we drove up to Anacortes WA, jumped on a ferry for an hour long trip over the Puget sound to an island called Orcas. Splendid. Lovely. Amazingly cute.

The rest was written about a Lie. The BT played with our emotions, captivated H with her wit and big words and worldly ways, and basically brain washed her sweet sweet spirit. BT RUINED MY LIFE.

Liquid Diets?

So, my friend Maryn who had RNY (gastric surgery) was in a situation where she wanted to lose a few lbs she had gained. She went on what she called 5 day pouch diet, link is: http://www.5daypouchtest.com/

I watched her go through it and was intrigued! So, I got on the band wagon. Weighed myself on day #1 and was shocked I had gained EVEN MORE since I began gaining weight last October. Well, I took on this challenge and did the work. Day #2, I was down 3 1/2 pounds! Day #3, I was down another 2 pounds. Day #4, down another 2 1/2 pounds! Day #5 is tomorrow and to be honest, I feel so good and want to just see the weight leave like this on going! I have to add protein to my daily intake so I will eat tuna and maybe scrambled eggs for dinner along with my protein shakes (I'm using slim fast) and sugar free jello and pudding.

I know its not natural, and trust me....I'll NEVER be anorexic because I LOVE food way too much... but I'm happy to get rid of the ugly fat. It feels good to be in control of what I eat and not 'graze' which always ends up in a sad story! I will go back to eating 'normal' foods, but I like the idea of getting back in touch with planning what to eat for the day so things are organized. I want to be down another 18 pounds by August 20th. This will bring me to my lowest weight loss since I was on a quest to lose weight.

I am swimming Monday and Wednesday nights, along with riding my bike to work these two days and going on a 30 min. bike ride during my lunch. On Thursday and Friday I go to the gym and do a regular work out. On Sunday I go back again for 1 hour of working out, whatever time is convenient. Tuesday and Saturday are my off days, as I know I need and want my down times. Today, I am starting to do crunches at home. Lets see how that goes!

I just want to look and feel good. I want to never again have back pain when I walk. I want to sit cross legged on a chair, I want to turn heads when I walk into a room, I want to one day be ok with wearing a bathing suit in a public hot tub, I want to look down at my own body and see my legs, without having to push the tummy in!

Busy busy busy summer ahead! We have baby showers, trips to visit friends, camping in August, along with keeping up with myself. My granddaughter is due Sept 4th so there will be a huge change in our life!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow, Please God help me thru each day. Amen.

camping June 2011

So, no make up, no blow dryer, no hair spray, just the natural beauty of us :)

So, we went away to go camping next to the ocean and we grounded ourselves from our phone. No calls, no texts, no facebook...what?!! You heard me, no FaceBook! But, when I had a funny comment, the first thing I wanna do is POST! Heather hands me a pad of paper and a pen and says write them down. We'll post them later. So, that is what is here! It may only be funny to Heather and I, however, we had the BEST time on our get away. Really needed this, really enjoyed our time away :)

For your pleasure...

Saturday 2:30 PM

Sudafed refuses to go down...just like a fucking heterosexual man!

Saturday 2:50 PM

WenDee: Dammit! Now I remember what I forgot. Honey, can we stop at another store before we get there? Heather: Not sure we'll pass one of 'those' stores before we get to the beach.

Sunday 4:45 AM

Mrs. Cackle - Go Back To Fucking SLEEP!

Sunday 6:30 AM

Where is my BB gun for the crows and their friend woody (the woodpecker)?!

Sunday 8:30 AM

Duct tape is now known as Dyke tape. Thank you.

Sunday 10:11 AM

Mosquitoes, You SUCK!!

Sunday 11:30

Ahhhh benedryl helps.

Sunday 2:20 PM

You've always LIKED it there!

Sunday 3:00 PM

Heather Best Line: This is why I fell in love with you!

WenDee Best Line: Yeah Heather, we'll just round up!

Sunday 3:25 PM

What's worth losing your entire bag of peanuts to crows and squirrels? You wanna know, ask and I'll text you!

Sunday 4:00 PM

"Its like dessert before dinner"

Sunday 4:15 PM

"....and when I was done, I fried it up and served it with dinner"

Sunday 8:15 PM

Heather: are we still playing?

WenDee: whoever gets to 180 wins. Oh, that's me. I win! :)

Sunday 10:00 PM

Heather: But Mr and Mrs Cackle are still awake

WenDee: I don't care, I'll never see them again!

Monday 9:30 AM

You know you are with the right person when you can make and break camp without a single argument

Monday 4:40 PM

Karma's a bitch - You complain about someones squeaky bed, you GET a squeaky bed! ha ha

We hiked, we talked, we laughed, we snuggled, we built amazing bon fires, we ate fabulously, we watched the water, the sun and the people around us. We took pictures of things that made us smile, of things we wanted to remember. Here are a few of our thoughts.

May 2011

there is a ton of stuff out there giving reason to the quick burial at sea for the ugly, mean, and evil man osama bin laden. for one, no one wants to bury him or have a family member buried near him. for two, its the culture for a quick cleansing of the body and to be buried. you can't compare this burial to michael jackson or other celebrities. these were Americans and there was ceremony to think about. in it time we will see and hear what happened with the killing of bin laden. i'm thrilled that his evil life is extinguished an not on this planet! however, it seems that no matter what this government does, to the nay sayers, its always suspicious or wrong. whats wrong with this picture?! our president never had a chance. too many bigoted racist and right winged conserves that wanted to shut him out even before he walked thru the front doors. i sort of hope president obama doesn't run again. i feel sorry for his family. i'll love to see who this next "perfect" man or woman is going to be since certainly there must be someone out there - considering how everyone thinks our President is doing such an awful job.

WoW

so, we went to jill and maryn's wedding in san jose this past weekend. we were really looking forward to getting out and doing this little driving trip. we miss our get a-ways as we used to do these so often. on the way down to nor cal, we stopped at the kids' house and left the pups. onward to san jose sat morning and went to a really beautiful wedding. saturday night we began getting to know the girls and Patrick. sunday, we went to a fabulous brunch, then later was hanging out, a little shopping, then getting together for a "WOW" night of such fun!

The rest is the beginning of a terrible experience. Evil. Vile Evil Entered Our Lives. And, I let it in. I will NEVER EVER do that again. God, please forgive me!

I know I am not asking for too much!

I met my love, my light, my completion to my puzzle in 1998. I was married to a man. A good man. A wonderful father to our amazing two boys. However, I was not connected to this man as a wife to her husband should have been. I was guilty for many many years because I knew he deserved to have the wife of his dreams. He was patient with me as I went through my depression, never understanding what was really wrong with me. He said he would wait, and that crushed me even more because I felt I was trapped to remain in this relationship, because I truly loved my husband and my children had a wonderful happy life in spite of my own thoughts I was struggling. I was not honest with him about my true inner yearnings. I didn't share with him that as a 9 year old girl I feel in love with my girlfriend. I never told him of the many times I cried because I felt I was in the wrong place as we grew 'up' in our marriage. I was 16 when I met this man, who rescued me from a sad and lonely household. My life until age 15 was church. Hail, fire and brimstone! Teachings of the Bible, and what was "right" and "wrong" according to the leaders of the churches who quoted and lived according to ancient writings - which I learned later had changed hundreds of times according to the cultures and those who translated and transformed those original words into new meanings. I married my rescuer because I was treated kind and I desperately wanted a family. This was the only way I felt I had to choose. Now, jump to 1998 when I met Heather. I resisted. Sure, I had a past during my marriage that I'm not proud of, but this was different. I could not resist her love. I asked for a divorce in 1999 and began my journey to step out in my truth. My road was very challenging, I lost all my 'church' friends, yet I got past that sad part of my life and it finally arrived. In 2006 I moved to Oregon and was able to be complete and open and honest. WoW. How refreshing and freeing! Except...we wanted more. Don't we always want more, especially when we feel we deserve this 'more'. What I want is a wedding followed with a marriage. I want to complete my circle of me. I want everyone to know my place in this family, in my life. I have helped to raise my partners 3 children. If I were not the same gender as my partner, I would be called a hero and encouraged to do the right thing and marry this woman. However, I cannot. At best I'm thought of by others as her room mate, her best friend, her partner, to some I appear to be her sister, even her mother at times! (I am 8 years older than Heather). I didn't really have a wedding back in 1979. Four friends were there, wearing jeans, hanging with us at a little wedding chapel in downtown Los Angeles before we took off to the train station and headed to San Francisco. My oldest sister was my only supporter and made sure I had a little flower bouquet and my husband a little flower to wear in his lapel. My dress was off the rack, on sale, in the basement of JC Penneys. We had very little money and sadly, no support from my parents. My two sisters have had 3 weddings each. My mother and father have had 2 each. All our non same gender friends have had beautiful weddings; celebrations expressed before their family and friends showing their love, their commitment, and their joy in life with each other. My oldest son a year ago had a magical and truly a most special wedding of all. Oh, how I cried in joy for this milestone he was able to take with the love of his life. But inside I was also crying because I felt I would never see a day for myself where others could witness such an outward expression and a new life together with my love in the same way. We are seen as less then. We are not treated equal. Oh sure, we could file lots of documents with the court system and pay lots of money to get a few 'rights' granted to us, the same rights that not same genders couples get for free and are automatically granted when they say I do. This is just wrong. This should create a nation wide outrage as it did within the civil rights movement. As it was when women could not vote. As it was when females could not teach over men in public places. If the reason is that same sex marriages are thought to be less than because of one religious faith based notion, and when we as a country can not even have faith based decorations publicly viewed in government offices, they why - for GODS SAKE - are we basing this decision on an archaic law? Change. Move. Allow true and honest love to shine and flourish! Lets be fair government and those who have not allowed yourself to really think about this on a human level, we need our children to view acceptance of diversity. Different faiths. Different cultures. Different foods. Different cars. Choices! Just because it is not for you, why can it not be for others? Please America. Allow me and my love to stand up in front of family and friends and hold our heads up high proclaiming what every other citizen is allowed to do, Please let me get married and have the same rights that the federal government gives to just 'anyone' who happens to not be the same gender. I cry out for the sake of our children and our childrens children and those that follow. We must make this right. We as a country who prides herself on being fair, and free, and allowing for all to enter the land of prosperity, we must complete the circle.

help

good morning world! so, today i weighed myself. i've not done so because i knew i gained weight. well, i've gained a total of 20 pounds from my lowest point, which was last september. of course, that low point was only there for a minute or two! but this is my life. up and down. only this time i need to get a handle on it so the up doesn't get out of control. we joined a new health club last week and today we go see a trainer who is going to show us the proper way to use all the machines. i've already gone to a yoga class and one water aerobics class, plus two days of working out on the tread mill. i hate exercise! haha :) but, i know what my main problem is and that is the snacking from 7 pm until i fall asleep. i do not do bad during the day, its this night time shit that kills me. so, i push on. i will try again. since i know my weakness - and I know that it will take me down - i will fight it. i will still have a snack, but i will make a wiser decision on the type of snack it is. i'm not a big fan of fruit, but i like veggies and i like popcorn so i will chose that. no more saltines with butter. no more candy. no more chips. no more cookies. God, please help me. please hold me. please remind me. please do not let go of my hearts desire. amen.

Me

I don't want to lose me. Oh, I've misplaced me often in my life, but I thought I finally found me about a year ago. Now, I am only seeing glimpses of me. Where is me? I think walking in the outdoors will help me find me. Maybe riding my bike once again, me will show up. Playing bingo, now me LOVES to play bingo! Yes, I'll play bingo tomorrow and I bet me will be there for a while. Now if only me would help myself understand that I can be happy without giving in to what the old self wants. Me, myself and I need to do an intervention. Will somebody round them up?

Boot Camp - In Review. A look Back.

BC was truly an experience for me, not just for Evan! He decided to join before we had really 'talked' it out. He mentioned to me that he was looking into it, but honestly I couldn't imagine he'd really do it because I knew what he would have to go through and Evan is so focused on healthy eating, his music, and his friends, his guitar, going out - that I didn't think being in the BC environment would be something he could do. However, he could and he did do it!

He joined and was gone in a matter of weeks. To my surprise, he was going to be gone over Christmas, New Years and Valentines day and I had no idea when I would talk with him while he was over in Boot Camp. I was naive and thought that they could call on Sundays. Where I had heard that, I don't remember, but I found out quickly that was not true.

Getting his box was so weird. When you see his own writing on the outside it gives you a sense of connection. I had read that the pant legs would be rolled up but was still surprised to see them like that. I didn't wash these clothes until he became a Sailor, not sure why, I guess I just didn't want to interrupt that vision I wanted to hold onto. As a Navy Mom you tend to grab hold of the weirdest things! At least I did. Inside this box, was the train stub he had still from taking the train to the airport, he had index cards with the NAVY articles he was memorizing, and the tag from a NAVY issued pair of tube socks! I carried this little paper clipped bundle with me in my purse..just to have something tangible of his. I know this might sound crazy to non NAVY moms, but other NAVY moms understand this craziness!

I got a call when he arrived at Great Lakes. It won't be hardly recognizable because they give you a few lines that you are not expecting. I think I was ready to hear, "hey mom! The flight was cool. Its cold over here" But what I heard was a monotone voice telling me he was in GL and this would be the last phone call he'd make from his cell phone and the next call would be in 2 to 3 weeks when he uses his calling card. I thought to myself, ok...he's just in front of others and is in shock with what he is going through. I asked, "are you ok?" he gave me an answer that I still chuckle about! Under his breath he said something like "mom, its shits and bricks, Shits and bricks!" What did that mean?! I found out later it meant hitting the building it was all 'ON' and that is what he was referring to. Weird.

I wrote to Evan every day, but mailed him letters on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I would drive to the post office on my lunch hour. I didn't trust the mail drop at work, I didn't trust my outgoing mailbox at home, I was convinced it was safer to see the letter drop into the huge collection at the PO! Weird. We do really weird things along this path!

Evan called a total of 2 more times after that first night, other than the "You are talking to a genuine US NAVY Salior" call. He wrote only 3 times, 2 of those were about 2 paragraphs. However, afterwards I heard how important my letters were to him. He loved hearing about home. I wrote about the dogs. The cats. My work. Heather. The kids. The weather. My friends! He isn't into sports, but is into politics so I would print news stories about what was going on in the world. I would also rip out a page or two from US Weekly or Times magazine and include that into every letter. I printed his facebook page twice. I secretly sent a message to every one of his FB friends (that I knew) and asked that they posted on his profile page so that he would get a lot of messages. I even sent too many messages that FB blocked me for 24 hours one time! However, it was worth it to hear how happy that made him.

I kept writing and reading and talking to the other Navy 4 Mom's (navyformoms.com) and learned all I needed to know from other moms, from the experienced ones. When it came to graduation, PIR, I had the lingo down pat, and knew exactly what to expect - except of course you can never truly learn how you'll feel when you see your son march through those huge doors in that large auditorium in front of hundreds of other Sailors and families. When I saw my son in front of me after finally making it to the ground floor and he was standing just a couple of feet in front of me, the description I can only give is: Beautiful. He was simply beautiful and beaming! He had come a long way in those 9 1/2 weeks, longer for these kids because of the holidays, and he had made it!

When you are told no news is good news, it is TRUE! You don't want to hear anything because that means there might be something wrong. Well, we are now past that and Evan is in Pensacola Florida waiting to school up - as they say - which is when he will begin his Air Crew schooling. I will write about the graduation weekend in my next blog and post pictures. But I felt needed to go over what the previous 10 weeks has been about for me.

We have still a long way ahead!

MAILMAILMAILMAIL!!

I got another letter from Evan! I was so happy because I had convinced myself that he needed to write to his friends and his dad and brother and he knew I'd be OK without another letter. But he wrote to me!

This is what it says:

Hey Mom! Thanks for the articles! They were very interesting and helped to re stimulate my intellect :) I'm doing good. When you spoke to me that one day I was kinda having a bad day and was really missing my music. But I'm okay :) So, sorry if I sounded upset or anything. I have to go like right now so I'm sorry for the short letter. I found out I'll be in A School for a year. Its official. I heard I get a phone call in 2 weeks but I promise my next letter will be much longer. I only get to write on Sundays and mail letters out to. Tell Heather thanks so much for her letter. I will write her next week. I love you so much. Love, Evan

These words are like gold to me! This was a short letter but his last one was 4 pages long and it was a beautiful tribute to me, his mom, who he loves and appreciates and who misses the heck outta not seeing or hearing from him! But, seriously, I'm OK because I feel so good that he is doing well and getting another letter of confirmation helps even more!

A little Off today

I have to be honest, I'm feeling pretty dejected right now. I miss Evan so much and even though my phone call with him on Tuesday that lasted 37 mins was the highlight of my last 4 weeks, I'm actually feeling less high in spirits as each day passes. It might be because I came down with an awful cold this week and the fact that my work has been very draining, but I just wish I could connect with him more. I've still been writing daily and mailing his letters at the post office on Monday/Wednesdays and Fridays but they seem to have taken on a tone of me asking him questions that I feel won't get answered. I mean, its not like its a text and he can just hit reply and answer them. I don't know when I'll get another call and he's not sent another letter. I only received one letter, which was a most spectacular letter don't get me wrong, but that came 10 days ago and I know that his long time friend got another letter last Thursday and I did not. I read everyones posts on the Navyformoms.com website about whats going on and I don't know these things. I'm outta the loop and it feels awful. I wonder if any other mom feels this way or am I the odd one out? Am I wrong for feeling as I do? I would never voice my feelings to Evan in a letter or a phone call, of course. I look at his clothes in his room, his guitar that goes un-played, his coffee cup not being used and up in the cupboard, his car not driven, his lap top that I have to power up, the list goes on. When I think about his time at bootcamp being short I then quickly am faced with the reality that he also will be gone to A School and not be home then either. Will the phone calls be far between then? Will he be too busy to write as well then? I've resorted to eating through my frustrations and its not a pretty site. This also ticks me off because I know Evan would be really disappointed in me so that also brings me down. I feel like I'm going a little crazy over here feeling very alone in my thoughts and how I feel. There isn't anyone else who can relate and quite frankly, I'm not bringing these feelings to another soul because I feel I already know what they will say. They will say what I would say to someone: He's doing well! He's too busy to write! You should be proud of what he's accomplished! yes yes yes - these are all very true. But, I still feel as I do.