sometimes

I have this gift. People laugh because they don't understand. I rarely tell people about this gift because sometimes they mock me, push me, test me, or simply dismiss me. However, I have a gift of knowing people. It's like they are exposed before me of what is in their heart - what they are thinking of, what they are hiding from. Most of the time I feel sorry for them because they are just being dishonest with themselves trying to run. Its the people that I am the closest to that I read so well, yet they try so hard to 'prove me wrong'. I know what I know, but the more I push the more they tell me how very wrong I am.
Its always comes back that I was right.
Always.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this gift so I could learn to trust more. So I could believe in fantasy or miracles or just the unknown and how it might all work out. However, its not the case.
I also wish that this gift could be used on myself in regard to things happening around me. Oh, its not the people. As I've said I already have them figured out even if they will not admit that I am/was right. Its about things happening to me.
My job.
My health.
My life in general.
Found out I have either a cyst or tumor on my left ovary. This is why I've had pain for the last month or so. However, during an internal ultrasound I found out I have something going on in my uterus. Could be fibroid cysts or tumor that just need to be removed. Could be a thick lining that needs a D&C. Could be cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. Could be cancer. wow. I just typed the word cancer and it feels weird to type that word. it's like a final word. cancer. hmm. I was in the ER, than admitted into the hospital. Then came home. And I was supposed to forget all about what I just went through. Forget my own pain. Forget my own insecurities. Forget it all.
I will call the Dr. tomorrow, the GYN, to set up an appointment. According to the ER Doc, this needs to be done ASAP. I guess they want to do a endrometrial biopsy. yuck. it hurts like hell. I had one once. I felt like I was being raped then had an abortion all at the same time. It feels like a total violation. And, so, here is the first day of the journey. What road is this going to be? cancer? who knows. sometimes it is. sometimes it isn't. we'll see soon enough.