Sad, but I must still try to live on

I got through Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. I tried so hard constantly praying and kept believing it would come. But as the sun shows signs of a sunset soon, no Christmas miracle that I held onto for months is coming my way. I’m so thankful for my other son Jason, who sees and hears my pain, who has much patience with me, who doesn’t feel that I’ve abandoned him in any way as he feels my heart because I miss my 2nd born so very deeply. I know he’s Ok. I don’t know if he’s happy, but I hope he is. I simply want him happy and safe. As the end of this year is rushing to be over, I know I need to keep praying for him, that I will not give up in. He’s a father and a husband, but he’ll always be my son. My blond beautiful inquisitive kid. I’m thankful I have so many wonderful memories because those can NEVER be taken from me. You may have my son, but you’ll never own his soul. I love you Ev.

20 years ago?

Today is 12/21/18. 20 years ago was 12/21/98. I can’t wrap my head around that time frame. Seems not at all that long ago and yet I’ve lived 3 lifetimes since then. I’m damaged now. Worn out. Wasted space that I promise  I’m going to fix, soon. I will rise again. I’m committed to turning those new leafs and digging in to make it all work out. I now have 5 years before retiring. I have work to do because in 2023 I’ll have 20 years left to live life to the fullest!!

Exhausted

It’s hard work. Always watching how you speak. Never knowing if that question will be taken as a jab or a joke. Exhausting when you think you are safe to have a conversation about life when all of a sudden everything has turned and you find yourself in a game of family competition. Wait, I didn’t say I wanted to play this game? Too late, you’re already in deep. It’s sink or swim. You can defend your life or shut yourself off from the world. You choose leaving the world because as crazy as it seems, that is much easier than being defensive. You see, the defensive rule is one that only she can win. So don’t play. Don’t think you are safe because you are most certainly NOT safe in that game. Shut down WenDee. Don’t say another word or the brunt of that mistake will haunt you. Just be silent. Look away. Don’t participate and don’t ask a question. In fact, go to bed. You are safe in that room. Even if she comes in, she’ll just get ready and go to bed. Her mask will go on, ear plugs in, and she will be asleep in a moment. You’ve won! Your timer in your crazy head goes off and all you hear instead of that buzzer is a beautiful song. Lyrics by Pink. Gaga. Stephen Tyler, Justin Timberlake. It doesn’t matter who, you hear soft singing expressing “you’re gonna be alright “. I never know how it or when I’ll feel OK but past experience tells me I’ll feel love again. I’ll feel safe in the arms of love. Paitience. Maybe it will be heaven......but I’ll feel loved and accepted again. Right? Wait, you think so? Now I am unsure. My fucked up head with the fucked up videos. Fuck it. I’ll awake tomorrow. We’ll see how that goes. Any bets out there?! You’d be wrong. Something will go wrong, I can certainly assure you of that. I’m fucking exhausted.

What do you want in your life with your relationship?

I believe most people have certain things that they can list, which can give them a feeling of peace and happiness. Let's lay out mine, shall we?!

1. Needed. There are times when people feel as if no one 'needs'  them. As if no one needs anything of them. It can also make you feel that you are done, that nothing is left to do or help for anyone 

2. Wanted. Along those same lives, this is something that keeps you going, when people want to be with you or hear from you. When the phone stops, the texting doesn't come, no invitations or parties that include your name. At this time you feel that you could disappear and no one would notice

3. Loved. When you are loved - and you feel the deep soul sense of someone loving you - there is the awareness you aren't alone. You will be held, kissed, loved on, and have those needs met as you willingly give back to your lover

4. Safe. Perhaps my #1 weakness. Without feeling safe, I want to hide. This is true in my work place, my neighborhood, my home and with sharing my thoughts. For when you are "safe", whatever you say or do in an emotional state or when you are upset, will not be thrown back at you as if to punish you for having that feeling or doing something silly. Your shared inner most secrets or ideas or even just thoughts, will remain safe with the one who makes sure you feel sane and safe. Without this you remain scared and guarded. Not an easy place to live

5. Trusted. When there is trust, you can do off the wall things and not be looked at as if you are crazy. You can talk to friends, visit new people, go out to lunch, play games with acquaintances (computer games!), etc. and you know that you are trusted and can have a carefree spirit. Without this, how can you be truly any of the above? 

Quote on depression: "People think depression is sadness, crying or dressing in black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again."

One day

I’m reminded many times in just one day why I should no longer be living. I’m told I have no friends and laughed at and told I’m angry and I act like I do nothing wrong and that a few simple short words gets spoken by me in what I think is a normal conversation, but before I realize I must have said it sarcastically or with a tone or whatever......then the punishment begins. I’m in a hell that has no door. Why am I a person who can be picked on or belittled or spoken to do condescending...as if I were a child? Does she know how close the rope is slipping out of my fingers? How fragile my mind is and how I self loathe myself enough for both of us? 4 people stand in my way. How easy that could turn to 2 any day now, so push a little more, drive me over the edge. You can shame me when I’m gone. You can play those videos you threaten to have so the world will see “how I really am”. One day the door will open. Then it will shut. One day.

......what it means

A face Tells it all.....

“A face could launch a thousand ships”. “a face only a mother could love”. My face says I’m miserable. I’m more depressed than ever. I don’t see the point of carrying on, and yet each day a sun rises and then sets in the evening. And I’m here. I cry to the Lord to help me. To rescue me. To change my world. To wake me up from the nightmares that plague and torment me. But no, this is my Plight. And so, this face, has changed completely in just 3 years. I’ll keep my head down. My mouth shut. My problems to myself. Unless I’m with my lil’ bit and her Daddy. Because those two are everything to me.

Be Me

I've always had a hard time following the rules. "If only she wouldn't talk in class" "just go with the flow or you will be left out" "Don't have your ideas be the way you live, do what everyone expects you to do"...these rules I did not keep and countless others have gotten me into trouble my entire life. It's been one of my biggest 'downfalls'. I've lost jobs, I've lost friends, I've lost family by choice, I've lost myself. I will now do my best to check my mouth before I speak. After all, it is my mouth that voices my inner thoughts and it is my words that are taken as opposite of its meaning. I will continue to be as I want to be, to joke and to share and to live authentically. But, it will mostly be in written word where I'm allowed to be me. I don't have to duck and cover when I spit out my ideas or concerns, or even my anger at what I feel is unfair. I've allowed myself to be judged and controlled and my soul to be deeply hurt. The one who has caused me the biggest hurt and making me feel as if I'm the walking dead because of the pain and hate dumped on me - that will never change unless they come back to me. But no more waiting for that day. If I shall lose in my life one of the things I love the most, so be it. For I know I've just been me. I don't listen to those who tell me WHAT TO DO or WHAT TO THINK or DON'T DO THIS OR THAT. That's fucking bullshit right there. If I hurt you and apologize, then fuck you if you don't accept it and still cast your hatred. For you know it's genuine and yet you play the game and continue to shoot me down. Live that life if you wish to live like that. I'm tired of the crap. I need a break. Just give me a damn break and fucking be a REAL person (man/women) and fucking forgive - communicate - share, and just be fucking human. Today I feel like I want to run away and live in a tiny little space where I can hide with my very few comforts that give me joy. To Live in a big city where I am not noticed from out of the crowd. A place where I can smile at the non ridicule, the non judgement. I can plant and harvest, I can cook and eat, I can go where I want and do what I want and my pathetic life of my pathetic ideas in my pathetic mind will be owned only by me. I visit where what I want. I can wear what I want. I can be - or I can not be. It will be MY life and fuck anyone who tries to break me down. I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. I'll embrace you if you embrace me. I'll let you be you if you let me be me. The End.

When...

When exactly did I become such a horrible person. Was is when my sister and I were molested by moms boyfriend and we sought revenge? Was it when I was date rapped and pushed down a flight of cement stairs? Was it when I was bullied in middle school for being the fat awkward comedic kid who had her hair plucked out one by one, from the mean girls who sat behind her in class, or the when the boys threw rocks at me as I raced home on my bike? Maybe it was when my brother died in a fire and my father walked away from my sister and me - after all we were nearly grown to fend for ourselves at ages 14 and 15. Was it when poor Alex drowned in the flood at age 19 and my sister fell apart? Could it have been after a painful breakup of 13 years? Maybe when my best friend, my almost twin, died? I think we are getting close. But there is that time after her death I moved away from Oregon to So Cal to help take care of mom and my stepdad who now were in there 80’s and 90's and didn’t have Karla to help....after all Oregon was only just the perfect place to live and a perfect job. No, I’m fine, really. Time went forward and I tried so hard to be a good person. To take a wife who I loved and felt loved and needed me. And things were tense from the first year on - we are so different.....but having a home invasion and our computers and cars stolen....well, why would I be a horrible person now? Then the car stolen a second time. I thought I couldn’t take any more, but I tried so hard to keep pushing forward. Got an amazing job, kept taking care of mom, tried to figure out how to be the right wife for Nikki....but It must have been just me being evil. Who the fuck was I fooling? No one. Evan literally walked out of my life. I can’t say anything right, I’m trusted - zero. When you ask? Why I think I’ve always been bad and angry. I was a mistake pregnancy and you see I’ve been a mistake my entire life. Do I play the victim? Fuck you. Look at my fucked up life and tell me if you wouldn’t feel a victim too. I never really won, just a continued set of losing hands except for being a mommy. Those 18-20 years were my happiest of my entire life. The only good thing I had. But, then life sucked and I should have figured it out. Why would anyone want to be around this sack if shit? I know I don’t. One day I’ll be gone and then no one needs to pretend that they ever really cared

How low can I go

As depression grows deeper within my soul, so does my weight gain grow higher. Higher than its been since 2009. Not all of what I lost has returned, but a good 1/2 of it. As of this writing, I'm not really caring anymore about that. I pretty much have tossed that hope to the wind of ever being thin again. That part of my life is over, as is many aspects of me - the alive Wen - has. My skin is not a healthy tone nor does it shine. My eyes have narrowed and the puffy around them have grown wide. My smile appears much less often, and my heart has hardened; even more. I exist right now for Jason and Jordynn. Although Jason has found a gal that makes HIS smile return and he soon starts a job near our home. After Jennifer decided she wanted a divorce, she cut off everything. I didn't know she cut him off two years ago emotionally and otherwise, but then I shouldn't have known that. The 12 weeks my son came to live with us, were the best 12 weeks I've had in a long time. I had a skip to my step, as they say, and was able to see lil' bit so often! This brought me so much joy. A bandage. A comfort. A soothing. A replacement to my mind of tattered thoughts. When he found his apartment and moved on in February, a part of me felt like it was taking final breaths. Those last few that seemed blissful. I was back in my own self, in my own head, with the words that spoke to my inner being of lonely and rejection and sad. Evan is still gone. His child now 16 months, I don't when or if I'll see my grandson. Now, they are due for child #2 in a few weeks. I hear it's a girl. Tiny pieces of information from someone who is scared to tell me in fear my son will not talk to them. It's fucked up. The evil that is around him has corrupted him. But, I can't let it hurt my soul. My heart already has too many bumps and dents. So, the depression ebbs and flows, but lately just lingers. Lingers with every moment of every day. I know not what the future brings, however if it were up to me.....alas, it is not. I pray to my God ask for favor. But even God seems to turn his head. To insert plugs into his ears and not hear. To place blinders over His eyes and not see, no one, not even God is witness to my continued fall. When will this fall end? As my mother goes on in her age of late 80's, I wonder if I'll see 60. Right now.....I hope not.