How low can I go

As depression grows deeper within my soul, so does my weight gain grow higher. Higher than its been since 2009. Not all of what I lost has returned, but a good 1/2 of it. As of this writing, I'm not really caring anymore about that. I pretty much have tossed that hope to the wind of ever being thin again. That part of my life is over, as is many aspects of me - the alive Wen - has. My skin is not a healthy tone nor does it shine. My eyes have narrowed and the puffy around them have grown wide. My smile appears much less often, and my heart has hardened; even more. I exist right now for Jason and Jordynn. Although Jason has found a gal that makes HIS smile return and he soon starts a job near our home. After Jennifer decided she wanted a divorce, she cut off everything. I didn't know she cut him off two years ago emotionally and otherwise, but then I shouldn't have known that. The 12 weeks my son came to live with us, were the best 12 weeks I've had in a long time. I had a skip to my step, as they say, and was able to see lil' bit so often! This brought me so much joy. A bandage. A comfort. A soothing. A replacement to my mind of tattered thoughts. When he found his apartment and moved on in February, a part of me felt like it was taking final breaths. Those last few that seemed blissful. I was back in my own self, in my own head, with the words that spoke to my inner being of lonely and rejection and sad. Evan is still gone. His child now 16 months, I don't when or if I'll see my grandson. Now, they are due for child #2 in a few weeks. I hear it's a girl. Tiny pieces of information from someone who is scared to tell me in fear my son will not talk to them. It's fucked up. The evil that is around him has corrupted him. But, I can't let it hurt my soul. My heart already has too many bumps and dents. So, the depression ebbs and flows, but lately just lingers. Lingers with every moment of every day. I know not what the future brings, however if it were up to me.....alas, it is not. I pray to my God ask for favor. But even God seems to turn his head. To insert plugs into his ears and not hear. To place blinders over His eyes and not see, no one, not even God is witness to my continued fall. When will this fall end? As my mother goes on in her age of late 80's, I wonder if I'll see 60. Right now.....I hope not.