New Ends looking on to New Beginnings

Well, I made it through the camping trip! I don't mind telling you that I was highly nervous. Nervous on so many levels and for so many reasons.
This was my first 'all alone' trip...ever. I had to set up my own camp with tent, kitchen, fire, etc. I did an amazing job. The tent gave me a small panic attack because the poles wouldn't stay put at first, but I just kept going after each one until finally it fell into place. So much so that when my camp neighbor drove up and was trying to set up her tent alone (realizing she was indeed alone with no other camp site members yet) I was confidant to walk over and give her a hand. I can't tell you how good that made me feel! My entire life has been all about helping people. The last several years I've not been able to help as I intended or wanted and I am now learning my passion, my early sense of joy, is reaching out and being a spirit to help others. This is where my life MUST head from this point on. To be a positive role in whomever's life, in whatever way I can.
So, camping. I couldn't have done it without Nan and Carmen. They were super amazing and supportive. When I fell at one point, they were both there to lift me up, physically and mentally. I participated in the events and felt good about my endeavors. I played bocce ball in the high heat but pushed on and had a blast! I walked over to other camp sites and made the ladies laugh and smile. I pat every dog and looked into their eyes and found such sweet love. I exchanged emails and Facebook information and will look forward to having these friendships grow.
My T Time...was a HUGE hit, again! These ladies just loved coming over to the bar and placing their orders! Personally, I think I'm a fabulous bar tender,  :) I used 50 shot glasses, and I know some of them were re-used by others. I don't think anyone got drunk, but they sure were happy campers.
My Oregon chapter is closing .. I feel it. I also know that I will be back. This is where I want to retire, where I want to complete my life before it ends. I do not know how, with who, when or where but what I am sure about is the Oregon weather and beauty is where I want to lay my head before I take my last breath.
So I go to California to be a dutiful daughter, mother, grand mother, sister and friend. I'm needed there, I am not needed or wanted in Oregon right now. I have been pushed out of the nest and I'm flying in my next stage of life. Just as the swallow returns to her Capistrano, I will return to my soul spot, the great upper north west of OR. But for now I will grow in my next phase of life, alone at first but not for long. This camping trip re-enforced my passion to be with a partner. My thrill to see her laugh, to bring her a treat, to walk hand in hand and experience new things together, to dream, to love, to not be alone at night resonated loudly that I was never meant to live my life as a single woman - but rather side by side with someone who appreciates me, loves me completely, sees me as first priority and not in line after any other and who thrills at my existence just as I will do with her. One who has great love of her family and welcomes mine into her life as her own, and who will want to help me grow, just as she will allow me to help her grow.

She is out there.
I do not know her name or what she looks like, but she is waiting for me.
She is patiently allowing this time to pass until we meet.

I'm coming sweet princess....I'll be there soon.

Why?!?

Karla why did this happen?
Did you take your life away from us?
From your mother who has suffered so much loss?
From your son who misses you so deeply?
Your friends and family who loved you and are hurting so badly?
You left ME!
How could you have done this?
If you decided it was too much, well thats fucked up!
We all have our shit. We all go through pains. We all have to LIVE and move forward.
If you took your own life, then I am so angry with you right now.
I love you, but gawd I'M PISSED OFF

HBDH

YATLOML

4 weeks

Breathing. I'm concentrating on my breathing.
I am old (er) than many and I know I still have a lot to learn.
I really need to focus on the good, the now, the blessings that I have.
Wasting time on the negative and any wrongs has to be put in its place, the past. We cannot go back to change anything, we have to take the NOW and move forward so we can have a brighter future. I've learned this more the past 4 weeks since Karla has died. She had a life filled with so many ups and downs. She focused often on the sad, the past, the negative. I do not wish to live that way but instead be happy. To smile. To love. To help others. This is what brings me joy, when I am helping others. Life is short people, try to place aside anything that has brought you grief and sadness. 
I for one am so sorry to anyone that I might have hurt because of misplaced deep rooted pains. For lashing out, for not being kind when it would have been so much easier in the long run. This is my prayer. To let things go, to let any future stabs at me or my life to roll off and to take a higher road.

Places I will visit when I move back to So Cal

1. San Diego Zoo - in honor of my sister who wanted so badly to go with me Fall 2012
2. Las Vegas - with Janyce - and any other girlfriends who want to go and bust loose in sin city
3. Ventura Beach - to sit on the sand and contemplate where my life has been and is headed
4. Yosemite - booking a room in the lodge and going for hikes to the falls and bridges
5. Colorado - visit my cousin and friends
6. San Francisco - meeting Jill and Maryn's baby and reliving fun times on the wharf
7. Santa Cruz - hanging out with my way cool nephew and his girlfriend, eating organic food
8. Solvang - reminiscing of days gone by and creating new smiles and memories
9. Laughlin NV - sitting looking out onto the Colorado river and Lake Mead
10.Getting ready for my amazing Cruise in July 2013!

*sigh*

WenDee .....come sail away

I'm sailing away,
Set an open course for the virgin sea,
'Cause I've got to be free,
Free to face the life that's ahead of me,
On board, I'm the captain, so climb aboard,
We'll search for tomorrow on every shore,
And I'll try, Oh Lord I'll try, to carry on

I look to the sea,
Reflections in the waves spark my memory,
Some happy, some sad,
I think of childhood friends and the dreams we had,
We lived happily forever, so the story goes,
But somehow we missed out on the pot of gold
But we'll try best that we can to carry on

A gathering of angels appeared above my head,
They sang to me this song of hope and this is what they said,
They said come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me baby,
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise,
We climbed aboard their starship, we headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me lads
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me...

Guess what?

Know what I dislike.....sneaky and dishonest behavior.
Suspicious behavior shows the true character of a person. Not being honest to themselves must be the hardest of all things for them, for they know when they are being deceptive.
I'm so incredibly glad that I am an open and honest person. I share my feelings to a fault and it sometimes comes back as a negative, however that is shortly lived. For I know when I lay my head down at night that I have treated all persons fairly, and in a loving and kind way. I've expressed my views to those, and they have rejected them to be honest, which falls on them and their conscious. They know. When I've stated something that makes them angry it is simply because they are hit between the eyes of the reality of their actions and that what is said, is the way it really is.
I'm very grateful for this gift. Thank you God for providing an honest spirit in me. Use me going forward to continue on this path and I know I will be rewarded. Now, where is my Princess charming dang it! I'm waiting! ;)

I miss you Karla

I waited for your instant message today. Looked at the clock and it said 3:40 and thought about you messaging me. Then, again, it hit me. You will never message me again. I need help to get out of this crap! Its so f'ing hard Karla. So fucking sad.

Hard to think

today its hard to think.
hard to put my mind into full gear.
what is wrong?
why can't I be on auto pilot and just take care of business?
isn't that how i normally function?
maybe its because i'm doing this alone.
maybe its because i have no one to spill out my concerns and voice my frustration.
why did this happen, now?
i'm not ready karla, i'm not ready for you to be gone.
you were such a huge help to me when i was afraid of being alone.
when i thought my world had folded up into me and i was falling deep into the crevices
you told me to give myself time, and i did.
then i got strong. i put everything into perspective and realized that no matter what had been done to me, i could carry on.
you told me i'd find someone who would love me without having to be perfect.
you told me that they are waiting for me now.
but, then you left me.
i was coming back home.
to make up for those years that i was gone living my dream life,
that turned into a nightmare.
i can't do alone karla and counted on you to be there for me.
today, its hard to think.