PDX

Oh how bittersweet this time it will be to fly into PDX. Honestly, not sure how I feel about this trip. Yes, seeing Evan and Rebecca will be great. The wedding I'm sure will be a lot of fun and very exciting. However, There were so many things I had planned and wanted to do for this trip that are just not going to be happening. Instead of sharing my time, I will be alone and discover downtown. I will walk those streets. Stop at the starbucks at the square. Watch the max come and go and probably sit and just stare. Stare at the big block that once held my laughs and my joy. Those times we were crossing over that square at night. Those times at the farmers market picking out berries. Seeing sand castles and flowers spread to walk around. Music played festivals filled.
Ah PDX...I'll be back soon and not have these wrenching memories.
That will be the day.
The day that I will celebrate in so many ways.
Until then, carry on.

Love vs Infatuation

Infatuation is instant desire,
one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire.
It takes root and grows,
one day at a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity.
You are excited and eager,
but not genuinely happy.
There are nagging doubts,
unanswered questions,
little bits and pieces about your beloved
that you would just as soon examine too closely.
It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet
understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection.
It is real.
It gives you strength and grows beyond you,
to bolster your beloved.
You are warmed by her presence,
even when she is away.
Miles do not separate you.
You want her near.

But near or far, you know she is yours and you can wait. 

Infatuation says,
"We must get married right away.
I can't risk losing her."
Love says, "Be patient.
She is yours. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement.
Whenever you are in one another's company
you are hoping it will end in intimacy.
Love is the maturation of friendship.
You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence.
When she's away, you wonder if she's cheating.
Sometimes you check.
Love means trust.
You are calm, secure, and unthreatened.
She feels your trust and it makes
her even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you'll regret later,
but Love never will.
Love lifts you up.
It makes you look up.
It makes you think up.
It makes you a better person than you were before.

Day Number 1

Again :)

Aren't we all just really living our lives with starting over again? I know I have...in my mind, in my heart, in my body, in my house, in my job, in my choices...in my life.

I've been too sick, for too long, and I need today to be No. 1 on the road to recovery. Not just with my lungs and with my spirit, but feeling 'alive'. I've felt close to being a non living human being and I don't want that. I have no choice to live or die, I know only God will decide that for me. I know this, I've always known this, but I remind myself again of this.

I do not know where the new road will lead, I only know that I am on it and I just have to step one foot at a time. Where it leads I will only know once I've gone some distance and turn my head over my shoulder to really look at the path I just completed.

There is living to do, people to love, family to care for, spirits to lift, and weak ones to support.

Lord help me, this is going to be something! But I know it won't be worse then what I've gone through and that I will be happy with where I'm going :)

Now, I need to clean out this place and get rid of crap. Things that weigh me down. Clothes I will never wear, gadgets I'll never use, boxes of things that will never be displayed again. Yes yes yes...I will not tackle it all at once, but it is in my short term plans. By July 1st this place will feel lighter and I will be healthier - mostly in my spirit and in my soul - and I will grab those rings that are set before me! I will have some direction and make important decisions. Say it. Repeat it. Live it. BELIEVE IT