My father decided to write to me. I guess he didn't get my attention when he called me the night after hell broke loose. This is what I opened - mind you I was THRILLED when the envelope came. I thought for SURE it was a letter from him with apology and heart break, begging me to just be in his life.
LOL! Yeah, I know! My old therapist calls it delusional thinking. Here, for your pleasure:
"Wendy" (no Dear, and no WenDee, even though I changed my spelling 14 years ago)
"Who was it that provided clothes and food and a home for you up to your late teens?"
um I guess it was you dad since I didn't have a JOB till I was 16! However, don't be mistaken - you paid till I got this job, then all clothes were purchased by ME! Allow me to say thank you dad for the clothes I got from goodwill cuz you left Mom and didn't give her enough money to pay bills AND clothes for me too. Thanks. PS. I was the youngest of 3 girls, I seem to remember wearing almost all hand me downs from my sisters, wait..except for panties and socks. Those came from Grandma and Grandpa.
"Who was it that provided activities such as vacations, camping, Disneyland, etc. while you were growing up?"
Yes, we had some vacations. We went camping. We went to Disneyland - usually only because of out of state relatives who would visit us so we took them. There were some good times.
"Who was it that accompanied you to court and paid your fine when you got a ticket at school for parking in a restricted parking spot?"
Well, since Mom didn't drive and I was under age, gosh dad, I guess you got stuck with the job. How much was that fine? I think $35.00. Check is in the mail dad.
"Who took you to Las Vegas with your husband on your 21st birthday and paid all of your expenses?"
That would be you dad. You loved Las Vegas. I'm sure the room was comped, however even if it wasn't you owed me this. You never paid for a wedding for me dad. I think taking me to Vegas for my birthday was real nifty. Did I say thank you enough? gosh, I sure hope so, but in case I didn't, thanks dad! it was really swell.
"Who took you and your husband on a 7 day cruise to the Caribbean and paid all of your expenses?"
Yeah, we went to Mexico, leaving from the near by port in Los Angeles. It was sure joy. All your wife Gloria could do was mock me and put me down and give me smurky looks. I tried all week to be sweet. By the 5th day I was exhausted from trying so hard. I have to admit, you and Paula and I had a couple of fun times when we played bingo and ping ping. Of course, those were the only two times we got to be with you without Gloria and you could let your hair down because when you are with her everything is negative and nasty. So, I apologize if I didn't say thank you enough. I thought for sure I had. However, leave it to me to fuck that up. I'm so sorry I didn't write a long letter with my humble thanks. I really did think saying thank you as often as I did (throughout the entire week and after we came back) was enough. I'm sure sorry I didn't tell you how special you were to pay for that inside cabin we had. Tell you what, I'm sure it was all made up when you took Karla and Dennis and gave them a balcony room this year when you all went on a cruise. I'm sure Karla and Dennis have submitted a formal Thank You on colored paper, delivered by special messenger, engraved in gold to show their appreciation of your gift.
"Who gave you $500 as a loan when you needed it and since you could not pay it back said forget paying it back?"
Yeah, that was you. And, guilty as charged! I needed a loan, you gave it to me. I was beyond surprised when you gave me that paid in full letter 2 months later. Um, I believe I said thank you but in case I didn't say it LOUD enough or often enough please consider this a HUGE THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME WITH PAYING FOR THINGS FOR US WHEN TIMES WERE ROUGH.
"Who gave you a check every year for your birthday up until a few years ago?"
That $20 was super duper dad. It was special to get that check every September. I was always so giddy to find a $20 dollar bill in my special birthday card. I never knew what all I could spend it on! But, alas, I found something fun or necessary to use it on. I sure missed it when those checks stopped. It was hard, but we made do.
"Who gave you a rather large check at Christmas every year?"
$200.00. I did know I could count on you for that and I have ALWAYS been extremely grateful. I'll tell you a secret Dad...that money usually ALWAYS paid for last minute Christmas gifts or stocking stuffers we got for the kids. You see, our kids always came first. Anyway, I'm sorry if you felt we didn't appreciate it. Again, I told you thank you dozens of times for that gift as it truly was something that meant a lot to me.
"Who gave your two children money every birthday and Christmas without any thanks up to a couple years ago?"
yup. you gave your grandchildren two gifts a year. no thanks? you've got to be joking, right? do you give gifts just to get a thank you? OMG you are so selfish. However, the thank you's the gave on the phone Christmas mornings to you were truly real, dad. We didn't live in a generation to hand write thank you notes. we were sort of not that way. I'm sorry we failed you. but my children have grown up now, surprise surprise! and they have called, emailed and said thank you. but its not enough for you, is it dad. they will be punished the rest of their life for not being perfect. gosh, that is so sad.
"Who was it that gave his blessing for your marriage to Russ when your mother would not?"
When we got engaged we came to your house to tell you. You said we had your blessing. Mom didn't do this. I was grateful. However, coming to you to tell you this was to throw this in your face. I fell for Russ because I needed someone to take care of me. My father hadn't since I was 14, but even before you left the house you were the most distant father ever. we weren't allowed to come to you because you were always busy with your football or your tv shows. it was very lonely, i'll forever be grateful that I had my sister Karla to be there for me. Its a freaky thing young girls do, miss out on having a close relationship with their father so they run to an older man to substitute.
"But then who was it that yelled at me in a public place in front of many people to cause me embarrassment because I would not and could not meet your command to do what you insisted on?"
I yelled. I was PISSED OFF! you messed me up that morning, big time. But, I've already blogged about that. Its old news. I'm tired of it already. so to me this line is like blah blah blah. Get over it.
"I waited about six weeks for an apology but never received one. Instead, you called and instead of an apology all I got was more yelling and swearing at me by calling me a F....G..D..."
dad, I waited for you to come and say goodbye to me at Paula's wedding. Instead, you turned your back and walked the other direction. I stood in that parking lot crying my eyes out. I felt a change in the wind that day. I felt the rejection that was all too familiar. I knew it was done, over. I knew you made a choice one last time. you choose you over me.
"For some reason you keep saying that Jason could die at any time but did you ever think that I, your father, is 84 years old now and the chances could be that my life could end sooner than Jason. Besides, I don't know why you bring Jason into this."
I brought Jason up that night on the phone because for God's sake dad, when are you going to get it through your fat norwegian head that JASON'S WEDDING WAS DIFFERENT! THERE WAS A REASON FOR HIGH EMOTIONS AND STRESS! But, alas. You won't understand. You've never chosen to try to understand about Jason. I mean, when Jason had his 3rd open heart surgery you sent him cookies. The kid had almost died - again - and you sent cookies. I think maybe something he could have used in his 7 week recovery at home would have been nice. But cookies? oh, in case he didn't thank you since he was 12 1/2 and recovering from OPEN FUCKING HEART SURGERY, I'll say thank you on his behalf. Those cookies were, well...they tasted like shit and we threw them away. but thanks for the thought that it took to order them to be delivered. You fail to see the point of me bringing Jason up in that conversation was because I was trying to remind YOU of why I was upset that morning when YOU would not take into consideration the circumstance. Sigh. You never have before over any other issue so why did I bother. Look where it got me. Lesson learned. You won't EVER hear a word from me about my children, EVER. Oh and I know you have forgotten the last 4 years because you stopped sending one of your beautiful birthday cards to him, I have another son. His name is Evan. He just turned 21. He doesn't know you because you haven't done anything to bring him into your life. Apparently the memory that you have another grandson has left your feeble brain. Thats ok dad. He doesn't remember you either. Save your money dad. do not send any more of your gifts at Christmas. I will buy him a sweater from Sears on your behalf...or better yet, I'll get him something that he will like AND in his correct size.
"Just thought I would remind you of a few things."
gosh Dad, you really haven't reminded me of anything. The only point to what you have mentioned in this letter is how very distant you are from me and my life. If this is all you can come up with in how you've been the "best dad ever" then wow. I feel so sorry for you. If I had to list all the things that Russ has done for his kids, well...I would be typing for days upon days to list them all.
So in closing, goodbye dad.
I do not wish you pain or sickness or ill will. What I wish is for you to be happy and content and to feel all the warm fuzzy good feelings when you lay your head down on your pillow at night before you fall asleep. I hope you know peace. I hope you are secure in the love you have from God above. I hope your wife brings you complete satisfaction and total bliss. I hope you will smile at all the memories you've made over your lifetime with each of your four children and your living 5 grandchildren, as I know you did not really know your grandson Alex who died way too young at age 19 and you had already walked away from his mother while he was growing up.
goodbye dad.
