Christmas Day 2010

Merry Christmas to me and mine.

Jason and Jennifer are in Southern California with Jennifer's family at Disneyland, Evan is in Chicago at boot camp. My mom and dad (my step father is now known as dad to me) and my sisters are with my cousin Bill and his wife in So Cal. Heather is working. I worked 6 AM to 1 PM today. It was the slowest day I've ever worked in my life.

Here it is a little after 3 and the only thing I can think about is Evan. What is he doing today in Chicago, in boot camp, on Christmas? Why won't they let the kids make a little phone call? Its going on 6 now, Chicago time, and I'm hoping still they will get to call before they have to retire. Will he have a nice dinner? Will today feel any different to Evan than the last few days have felt? Will he be homesick, wishing he had a stocking to peer into and pull out some silly putty and a peanut butter cup shaped like a snowman? I have his stocking for him to open in Chicago when we go for boot camp graduation. I got the form letter this week and it made me SO excited! Now I have a date to plan for - Feb 18th - and I can book a flight and hotel reservations and find all the exciting thing going on regarding his ceremony. It helps me to have something to focus on. Truth be told, my mind has been fucking with me too much lately. Last month I've really failed. Eating has failed. Exercise has failed. I have failed....except this time it HAS to be different! Everyone has been so proud of me that I HAVE to break this rotten new cycle I've gotten myself into. But, enough about ME!

Evan....I needed to feel closer to Evan today. It seems at every hour of the entire day I found myself drifting to being with and thinking about Evan. As if I'm riding on his shoulder in a little
spacecraft, watching what his day is like. Wen I got home from work today I went in Evan's car and threw away the rest of the trash. I found myself reading all the things he bought on the crumpled receipts as if I was going back in time for the days he bought those things. I found food wrappers and remembered the McDonald days of us going to grab some fries. There were coffee cups, water bottles, a rubics cube, broken sunglasses and odd little papers. I started Betsy - yes, that is what Evan named his car - up and put the drivers visor down. There was that little angel. The one I asked him to keep with him. The picture is here. It says: Son, please drive safely. He always does.

I brought the basic training video to work. I finally watched the clips. They showed how a new recruit begins Boot Camp and how they grow up to be a sailor. They showed a bit about graduation and how they lived and what they did on a daily basis. It was wonderful to watch because I could imagine Evan wearing one of those navy uniforms of white pants and white shirt and blue tie. Although to be honest, I can't see him WANTING to wear that particular outfit. I think the khaki shirt and blue trousers would suite him better. Sigh. I just want Evan to be happy. I want Evan to know right now that he made the right decision to join the NAVY and I don't want Evan to be sad or angry or frustrated. I'm probably way too close to my boys, although how can you be too close to your kids? Its such an oxymoron as I knew that I was raising my boys to be responsible and respectful and independent human beings who would contribute fairly and honestly in the world. I want them to go on with their lives, I just want them to call home often!

Merry Christmas to me and mine.