I'll never be good enough for anyone. I might as well face my fate. I fuck up. All the time. It doesn't matter all the good I do because in the end, when you make a mistake - its over. Its not like a bank account where you put money in and keep making deposits. Then one day you withdraw a bit. Even if you have lots of money in there, YOU were bad and YOU took some out so now YOU are a failure...again....always have been and always will be.
I'm too much.
Why the fuck do I think I deserve anything good? Why should ANYONE treat me as if I'm worth it? I'm not.
No chances, or should I say not many are given.
I proclaim that I will be alone forever. Me and my dog. Visiting my grand daughter and family will be the highlights of my life.
I deserve to be alone. I'm fat. I'm stupid. I'm ugly. I'm no fun. I suck at everything. And I hate me.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
The night before the move
I'm feeling very emotional tonight. I've cried off/on all day. My mind is filled, no overfilled, with what I need to do. Tomorrow I move my things into my apartment. Yes I know I have the brawn and it will get done, but all the things surrounding this move are according to my plans. I am in charge and quite honestly I'm pissed that I have to rely only on me. Sure, I'll feel opposite when its done as it will most likely go well...but now, tonight, I am worrying about the apartment being ready, the truck rental going off without a hitch, my boys and my nephew up to doing all this packing the truck and unloading the truck, having to bring mom back and forth to co sign the lease, the dog going to the kennel for 2 days and nights, having to pick up a fridge on the opposite side of town that I bought......and I know I'm missing a lot more.
I've been crying since I dropped off the remainder of Karla's clothes to charity. This wasn't fair! She should be ALIVE goddamnit! The emptiness our family feels is so real and so huge that it is felt everyday by each one of us. I want my TWO sisters to be happy for me and to be here for me right now. I really need them BOTH!
I miss my friends - I miss my Mike Swift so much. He was my rock, my confidant, my brother, my buddy who always checked on me and surprised me with his smiles and his wit. Last time I did this moving thing he was there, both for packing up my things for my last Hillsboro Apartment and for packing it back up to move to So Cal. He is GREATLY missed and I'm crying over that. I miss seeing Ashley and getting her hugs and seeing her beautiful smile and missing out on her life. I miss my job that I dearly loved and found so much contentment and security. I miss my happy boat, my meetup girls, my beautiful OR weather and mountains, my coffee shops on every corner, my life.
Now, I begin - FUCKING AGAIN - with a new chapter. I need to keep being the Wen that I've been since I moved. The positive happy one. The one who is grateful for my life, my kids, my grand daughter, my mother and all of my family here close to me. The one who will now cook her healthy meals again, ride her bike, do her zumba and get healthy! The one who forces herself to not look back because every time I do it pains me too deeply.
WenDee will transform, once again, into a shining light and will enjoy new found love - live again - and keep laughing!
Watch out Lancaster, I am here and I need you all to wrap your arms around my heart accepting and embracing me. I will stay, and I will be me :)
Monday, October 8, 2012
One Month down
Here it is, one month already that I have moved away from my heart home of Oregon and back to the high desert in So Cal. I am definitely appreciating what my new surroundings show me. The air is clean and the sky by day is a brilliant blue! The sunsets are truly amazing. The skyline is vast and not obstructed with trees so you see the large sky filled with orange and red colors and clouds and it truly is a beautiful sight to see. On the other hand, there are no trees :)
I have not run into any snotty snobby people at all. Everyone smiles, waves, hold doors open, say please, thank you and have a nice day. Refreshing!
The temperatures have been ridiculous....at first around 107 every day then it tapered down to 95 for a couple weeks, now its in the high 80's. I can tolerate 80....but I'd much prefer 69! I'm sure 69 will be in my near future ;)
My apartment has been approved and I should be moving in around Oct 22nd. I think its close enough to mom's, a little under 7 miles. Drive time is around 12 minutes, unless I speed to get there which I surely will if there was an emergency. I'm looking forward to my own bedroom with my own bed and things within reach! I've been wearing the same few clothes that I took with me in the car, the rest is in storage, so looking forward to a selection again. With the cooler weather not hear yet, I'm still OK with summer shirts. I've been planning the decorating of my new place. My kitchen will still be filled with a few rooster things, but thrown into the mix will be my cafe' area. I have new signs that will be put up with my new keurig coffee maker and mug board.
Dining room will be elegant and the living room artsy. Getting a 2nd hand couch as soon as I find one but the rest of the room will not be shaggy chic, that will be for the guest room and the guest bath.
My bathroom will again be all floral, but in darker tones and I'm painting my white accessories plumb. I bought a used behind the toilet shelving that goes from floor and over tank then 2 shelves, then a cupboard, and a top shelf. All will be painted plumb. More candles here, of course!
My bedroom, will be romantic. I've already purchased some art work of beautiful females of the past and a maroon scarf to use on my 4 poster bed. Lots of candles, CD player, and pillows with new blankets. There will be romantic words put up on the walls...I've ordered them and I can't wait to receive my new things and have this NEW place with special touches meant for just ME :)
(you'd be surprised what you can find cheap on craigslist and ebay!!)
Mom and Dad are doing alright. Dad is so very very frail. He is down to 124 and eating only oatmeal and mac and cheese, along with just a few other softer and mild foods. He tries to eat things I cook and does OK. However, most of the time he suffers at night or the next day so it just isn't worth it. Mom doesn't eat much...although I've seen her private stash of candy, crackers and cookies :) Like mother like daughter!
I've found a new groomer and boarding for Dexter. We visited and the place is so clean and the staff very nice. The prices are quite cheaper than barkzone in Hillsboro. This place has been in Lancaster for 30 years and has a great reputation. This Friday Dexter will have his first day-care and we'll see how he responds to it before he stays over night next month when I go to VEGAS!
Seeing my grand daughter at least every 3 days is beyond amazing and fantastic! I can't imagine not being here now. Her smiles and her arms reaching out to me each time are heart melting. I'm looking forward to her walking, running, and babysitting :)
Tax school is going very well. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would. I will be hired on in January and will work as much as I want to. Its awesome going to class with my best friend too! We have been catching up and its like I never left California. Speaking of friends, going to see Jenn on Friday and maybe Susan if she can. If not, next week. I am meeting a couple ladies on Saturday night for drinks. They are a part of the LGBT up here and I'll be starting my new 'Lesbians, curious and friends of' meetup soon. Just working out some details first.
Well, that's enough for now. I'll be back in a couple weeks after the move in and maybe there will be more updates other than boring apartment layout plans LOL!
Till then, Ta Ta!
Wen
I have not run into any snotty snobby people at all. Everyone smiles, waves, hold doors open, say please, thank you and have a nice day. Refreshing!
The temperatures have been ridiculous....at first around 107 every day then it tapered down to 95 for a couple weeks, now its in the high 80's. I can tolerate 80....but I'd much prefer 69! I'm sure 69 will be in my near future ;)
My apartment has been approved and I should be moving in around Oct 22nd. I think its close enough to mom's, a little under 7 miles. Drive time is around 12 minutes, unless I speed to get there which I surely will if there was an emergency. I'm looking forward to my own bedroom with my own bed and things within reach! I've been wearing the same few clothes that I took with me in the car, the rest is in storage, so looking forward to a selection again. With the cooler weather not hear yet, I'm still OK with summer shirts. I've been planning the decorating of my new place. My kitchen will still be filled with a few rooster things, but thrown into the mix will be my cafe' area. I have new signs that will be put up with my new keurig coffee maker and mug board.
Dining room will be elegant and the living room artsy. Getting a 2nd hand couch as soon as I find one but the rest of the room will not be shaggy chic, that will be for the guest room and the guest bath.
My bathroom will again be all floral, but in darker tones and I'm painting my white accessories plumb. I bought a used behind the toilet shelving that goes from floor and over tank then 2 shelves, then a cupboard, and a top shelf. All will be painted plumb. More candles here, of course!
My bedroom, will be romantic. I've already purchased some art work of beautiful females of the past and a maroon scarf to use on my 4 poster bed. Lots of candles, CD player, and pillows with new blankets. There will be romantic words put up on the walls...I've ordered them and I can't wait to receive my new things and have this NEW place with special touches meant for just ME :)
(you'd be surprised what you can find cheap on craigslist and ebay!!)
Mom and Dad are doing alright. Dad is so very very frail. He is down to 124 and eating only oatmeal and mac and cheese, along with just a few other softer and mild foods. He tries to eat things I cook and does OK. However, most of the time he suffers at night or the next day so it just isn't worth it. Mom doesn't eat much...although I've seen her private stash of candy, crackers and cookies :) Like mother like daughter!
I've found a new groomer and boarding for Dexter. We visited and the place is so clean and the staff very nice. The prices are quite cheaper than barkzone in Hillsboro. This place has been in Lancaster for 30 years and has a great reputation. This Friday Dexter will have his first day-care and we'll see how he responds to it before he stays over night next month when I go to VEGAS!
Seeing my grand daughter at least every 3 days is beyond amazing and fantastic! I can't imagine not being here now. Her smiles and her arms reaching out to me each time are heart melting. I'm looking forward to her walking, running, and babysitting :)
Tax school is going very well. I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would. I will be hired on in January and will work as much as I want to. Its awesome going to class with my best friend too! We have been catching up and its like I never left California. Speaking of friends, going to see Jenn on Friday and maybe Susan if she can. If not, next week. I am meeting a couple ladies on Saturday night for drinks. They are a part of the LGBT up here and I'll be starting my new 'Lesbians, curious and friends of' meetup soon. Just working out some details first.
Well, that's enough for now. I'll be back in a couple weeks after the move in and maybe there will be more updates other than boring apartment layout plans LOL!
Till then, Ta Ta!
Wen
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