Be Me

I've always had a hard time following the rules. "If only she wouldn't talk in class" "just go with the flow or you will be left out" "Don't have your ideas be the way you live, do what everyone expects you to do"...these rules I did not keep and countless others have gotten me into trouble my entire life. It's been one of my biggest 'downfalls'. I've lost jobs, I've lost friends, I've lost family by choice, I've lost myself. I will now do my best to check my mouth before I speak. After all, it is my mouth that voices my inner thoughts and it is my words that are taken as opposite of its meaning. I will continue to be as I want to be, to joke and to share and to live authentically. But, it will mostly be in written word where I'm allowed to be me. I don't have to duck and cover when I spit out my ideas or concerns, or even my anger at what I feel is unfair. I've allowed myself to be judged and controlled and my soul to be deeply hurt. The one who has caused me the biggest hurt and making me feel as if I'm the walking dead because of the pain and hate dumped on me - that will never change unless they come back to me. But no more waiting for that day. If I shall lose in my life one of the things I love the most, so be it. For I know I've just been me. I don't listen to those who tell me WHAT TO DO or WHAT TO THINK or DON'T DO THIS OR THAT. That's fucking bullshit right there. If I hurt you and apologize, then fuck you if you don't accept it and still cast your hatred. For you know it's genuine and yet you play the game and continue to shoot me down. Live that life if you wish to live like that. I'm tired of the crap. I need a break. Just give me a damn break and fucking be a REAL person (man/women) and fucking forgive - communicate - share, and just be fucking human. Today I feel like I want to run away and live in a tiny little space where I can hide with my very few comforts that give me joy. To Live in a big city where I am not noticed from out of the crowd. A place where I can smile at the non ridicule, the non judgement. I can plant and harvest, I can cook and eat, I can go where I want and do what I want and my pathetic life of my pathetic ideas in my pathetic mind will be owned only by me. I visit where what I want. I can wear what I want. I can be - or I can not be. It will be MY life and fuck anyone who tries to break me down. I'll leave you alone if you leave me alone. I'll embrace you if you embrace me. I'll let you be you if you let me be me. The End.