Monday the 30th...almost February

BUSY Day at work. Busy day in my head. Too many things to think about. New place. Old place. Set up TV and internet. Work on projects on my job. Meet up group. Unload boxes. Find new places to put things. Don't act desperate. Be strong. Live cheap. Save money. Don't neglect sons and grand daughter and mom and sisters. Eat right. Exercise. Fly to California. Do everything on your own. Prove you can do it. Cry if you must but dammit do it yourself WenDee. You are on your own now. No one wants to do those things that you now find yourself needing to take care of. Damn. What is this shit anyway? Fuck it

Alone

I have friends. I have family. I am grateful. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to be there for me. The one I thought would always be here for me has vanished. She's gone. Onto her own life. Picking out her household things. Keeping busy with no regard to me, I matter zero now. I am nothing now. Why? Why? WHY!
I have no partner, no companion, no helpmate, no soul mate, no live in best friend, no confidant, no wife, no girlfriend, nobody. I am completely alone. I doubt I'm going to make it. I am not meant to be alone. I'm meant to be a partner. I was meant to be a mother, but I am no longer the mother who is loved and needed by my sons, only from a far.
I can't believe this has happened to me. I was promised always. I was told I'd be taken care of. I was asked to move to Oregon and told I would be loved and cherished till the end of time. I was given hope to be shouldered and lifted up - not just in the sweet and healthy times - but always.
I have been let down. What exactly did I do so wrong, how was I so bad to be swept aside? cast out of the life that was guaranteed to be all I ever dreamed of? To vacation to far away places with? To be loved and held and to feel safe?
I have been abandoned. again. I have nothing without this promised life that was pulled away from me, as if I didn't matter. As if I had no say. As if I were a monster. As if all I did for the last 6 years meant absolutely nothing, let alone all I suffered through to get here, to the promised land. Didn't I take care of you during hard times? All I worked for. All I expected. Everything is gone and now I am totally and completely alone. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate being hurt, and this hurt is a hurt I never saw coming...I never thought I'd ever see. And, here I am. A-fucking alone. I don't want this. I don't want my life like this! I want what I was promised damn it! This is SO UNFAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS GOD DAMNIT omg I can't do this. my soul is crushed, my spirit is gone, my life is over without my dream...what is there? NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

I am worthy of love, I deserve love, and I will cherish this love

I am a giving and loving woman who will spoil her with surprises and breakfast in bed

I will take care of my lady and show her what true love is

I can be sarcastic at times, but with humor and a strong woman I will fall into her arms and love her all the more for understanding and being accepting

I will appreciate the differences we have and enjoy sharing her life as we explore and share our time together helping to open one another up to new and fun experiences

I will draw a bath and light the candles while music plays and wait patiently for her to come to me after she is rejuvenated - waiting to worship her in ways shes never known before

I will expect her to give herself completely to me just as I will give myself completely to her in return

There will be open communication and nothing can't be shared and talked about as we both have prior loves and prior lives filled with dreams, goals, hurts, pains and heartache, through opening up and sharing we will build our trust completely

I will support her while going back to school, or visit the family, or be with her children or any outside interest, just as I know she will do the same for me

I promise to not be perfect, perfection does not exist, but I promise to love and cherish her as we see each other in our true selves

I will love...again

And then she says there is no hope

Tonight Heather tells me there is no hope. She doesn't want to keep hurting me. She said we are done. Did I lose it? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS I DID!

Whats next for WenDee?

Who Cares!

My mom is 81. She is alive and well and loves me. Yes, she has some mental capabilities that I've always been aware of and even though we have had our issues here and there, her love and commitment to me - her daughter - has gone on and on and on! She is my mom and I'm so thankful that I get to hug her and show my love to her in many ways.
My step father (my California dad) is 91 and is bright and mobile and driving! He has always loved me and accepted me for that past 35 years as just me. I can't be more thankful for this man taking care of my mom and loving her and keeping her safe.
My sisters are alive and well and have full lives! They are both married and in love and even though they take issue with how their baby sister lives her life, they always come through for me..always..I can depend on this.
My Son Jason married to an amazing woman now is a Dad himself! Jason being a nurse gives his love to all he comes in contact with. From the moment he was a little boy he just wanted people around him happy and well. Jason adores both Jennifer and now Jordynn and I'll always be thankful to God for gifting me with my first born, my Jason, my son who has never turned his back on me but has extended an extra hand to love me through the changes I've made and even in times when I've just been confused and sad. Jason, you have gone above and beyond in your tough life and the miracle of you that has touched so many will live on and on. Every time I see your face in my mind, I can't help but smile big for my love is so deep and so strong for you!
My Evan, my sweet, fun, active and caring boy! Growing up you loved to give me challenges but no matter what, I've always known how deeply you care about me to be safe, healthy, and happy. You went into the NAVY and that scared me! I knew how you didn't like to wake up early and how you rarely picked up your clothes and dishes. How were you going to be a soldier with all those restrictions? OMG! you not only succeeded but you were even an example to others and again, the pride I felt and feel today with the beautiful life you are living...I'm so happy!
My 3 bonus children are healthy and have full lives. They deserve much happiness in their lives and I hope they find it wherever they go and whatever they decide to do as adults. Ashley is sweet and caring and loves me sincerely. I will always be there for her. She is my 'daughter' and I've watched her grow and she loves me. I promise you Ashley, you always have me on your side! Christopher is so smart, he will be a wonderful engineer or anything else he ends up doing! I wish he knew more that I've always enjoyed his big wide smile and appreciated his dramatic ways. After all, that is how i was as a youngster :) I love you Chris and know that all I really wanted to do was help you mature and steer you in the right direction. Jonathan. I can't type Jon's name without welling up in tears. I love Jon as if he were my own. I'm sorry that the last couple of years while you have struggled to figure things out that we couldn't have gotten closer. These 3 kids are a part of me, and always will be, always.
Heather. Our lives were touched on that special day in June 1998. I knew right away how incredible you are and how you would capture my love and my heart if I let you. I gave in to those pretty blue eyes and that warm soft skin with those curls on your head! So bouncy, so young and vital, so smart and smelled so nice! The years went by and I didn't think it was possible to continue to fall in love over and over again, but it happened. Every time I see your face or hear your voice or touch your skin, my heart quivers with excitement. My love is so deep and so true and will be with you forever and ever, plus one more day. The path is shielded from your eyes and I hope and pray the sun will clear and you will find your way.
As I close this blog, I also want to include my true friends. I have learned that I do indeed have those who want me in their life, who actually would suffer if I were not in it.
Janyce....sweet Jan...1983 we met. We were both young and firm :) No children yet, you weren't even married! The years passed by and both of us bore our children and never let go of our special friendship. You've stuck by me all through the years with no judging, no hurt over the many months that went between phone calls, never a harsh word thrown at me. I love you Jan. Thank you for being one of my very best friends!
Diane...Oh Diane! What we went through in those early days, right?! I know there was some hurt, for both of us, but we each rose to become strong in our lives and move on in our journey of truth. You've been there for me so many times. The time Jason was in the hospital at age 12. When I was so sad coming to terms that I had to end my marriage. Hearing my stories of the incredible love I was in with my Heather. Then, when I felt my legs were broken and I fell to my knees in pain - when I didn't think I could get pass the sadness and be able to work or function, you encouraged me. You also never judged me and were available to hold my hand - by phone and over a thousand miles - and hear me try to deal with carrying on. Thank you for being one of my best friends!
Mike...my brother by no blood...I wish we had met when I was younger! I can just see you and I climbing hills and throwing rocks and laughing our heads off :) You are an incredible human being and a magnificent father. Don't EVER forget that you gave to both your kids beyond what lots of fathers never would do. You were an amazing example to Evan when you took him into your business and always gave him a place to hang out in, to laugh with, to be accepted and given love. I will forever be indebted to you for that and especially for letting me into your life. These past few months you've listened to me, you've laughed with me, and you hung out with me...even just to let me cry and drink a beer! I love you Mike, don't EVER leave me, ok?!
There are others: Jill, Danielle, Randi, Gen, Jake, Jessica, Patrick, Heather, Dave, Deepthi, Karla H, Jim, Ligaya, Lynn, Patti...I'm sure others that fail this old ladies memory right now :)
God knows my heart. The angels know my wishes. The earth feels my pain. Now, I just push on.
143

Normal

The new normal that has hit is strange and unfamiliar.
I wonder if I will need to be used to this normal?
Doubtful its possible, as my eyes continue to be red with the thousands of tears that fall. I am sheilded now from the sights that my heart desires to see.
The sounds that once brought a smile to my face are gone and I am in constant reminder that my life has turned and I am lost in a new world.
There is no safety ledge - no barrier protecting me from the pain I feel deep in the well of my heart.
The happy boat is off in the distance, traveling a sea of new adventures.
Learning to sail, alone and in rough waters. No guarantee that the tide will overtake and capsize.
Perhaps an island will be found that accepts me as I am. Will love me anyway, in spite of the character flaws that is a part of who I am. Maybe the natives will understand that imperfection cannot be found, and the good I posses - the kindness I wish to give - will be enough to allow for my existance there.

Struggles

We see the white daisy, so fragile and plain ...
going head to toe against the wind and the rain.

We see the strength that this simple flower shows ...
as the fight continues through its bending pose.

All through the night the water drops become many ...
until the sun appears and gives power against the enemy.

In review we see the harshness' meaning ...
that through rough times the daisy was learning.

Being bold and facing trials will surely be tough ...
but going through difficulties, you'll find you're not just fluff.

Remember the flower and the meaning of this story ...
You may feel like shit now, but you'll grow into Glory!

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel alive
sometimes I feel close to dead
sometimes my heart hurts
sometimes it's all in my head

Sometimes I feel lonely
sometimes I need my space
sometimes there are no problems
sometimes I've got too much to face

Sometimes things go right
sometimes things go wrong
sometimes I fit right in
sometimes I just don't belong

Sometimes I want to laugh
sometimes I want to cry
sometimes I want to dance
sometimes I want to sit and sigh

Sometimes I want to face life
sometimes I want to be gone from sight
sometimes I want to run
sometimes I want to fight

Sometimes I want to sing
sometimes I want to shout
sometimes I know the asnwer
sometimes I'm in doubt

Sometimes I'm happy
sometimes I'm sad
sometimes I'm scared
sometimes I'm mad

Sometimes I want to win
sometimes I want to lose
sometimes I listen to music
sometimes I watch the news

Sometimes I make decisions
sometimes I'm told what to do
sometimes I find life hard
sometimes so do you.....

Ears and Eyes

There are ears and eyes all over -
For when the whisper is just so
It can be rudely mistaken -
for something appearing much more.

Rely not on the stirrings -
of ones inner most wonderous delights
For when you uncover your eyes and ears -
The truth comes out in the light.

People are jealous and mean harm -
When in disguise they smile boldy
But once the distruction is unfolded -
They squirm away rusty and moldy.

Years of truth can be broken -
If one chooses to listen to the lies
Be careful in how you choose now -
or it might be too late to deny.

Just trying to be honest......

...honest.

Honestly I'm tired.

Honestly I'm a damn good person.

Honestly I make mistakes and so have you. But I've always forgiven you and loved you through everything.

Honestly I never did anything that was so bad to be treated this way.

Honestly, The pain is too deep now. Honestly.

Honestly, when will this end, or will it ever? Honestly.

Lets talk honest. No games. Life is too short. I deserve so much more than this.

Saturday Jan 7 2012

Still hard to write 2012 - and yet I'm so thankful it is 2012!
Week was a little off at times, but I think I'm getting used to the "off" :)
However, had some nice little pluses, one was getting recognized at work and the other was hearing from two friends that brought a smile to my face. Learning more about the smile. Smile and you can't frown! Trying to listen and not take things personal. Boy, that's a hard one! However, even at age 51 I KNOW I am learning. You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

Starting the new Meet Up group tomorrow. Gawd, I'm so nervous! Doing this on my own, I do soooo much better working as a team with Heather or a friend....but walking into this newly created thing, alone, is bringing up some social anxiety and panicking at the thought. I know it will be OK. There is no grade. And, if I hate it, I'll just drop it! However, it is my hope that the women in the group will pick up and want to begin to meet up with things like movies, casino, wine tasting, or taking walks! I want people to find a friend. Maybe I will find a friend who is partnered or has a g/f and we will hit it off for us all to go out with!!

Anyway, today is clean our bedroom day, laundry and baking stuffed zucchini day. Tomorrow after the meet up is make homemade tortellini soup day :)

I know, your jealous

Kisses**

Next day

Nope. Not hopeless! Just have had my spirit punched a few times but I'll rise again :)

01012012

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I am choosing to live right.

The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or maintaining a relationship

Both people come from a past with baggage and hurts - Both so stubborn.

Life is too important to not live happy and too short to forget who we are and what we want together. Holding onto non positive feelings need to be released into the air - then breathe in deep this promise of love.

Today is the first day to the rest of our lives