Alone

I have friends. I have family. I am grateful. They have their own lives to live and I cannot expect them to be there for me. The one I thought would always be here for me has vanished. She's gone. Onto her own life. Picking out her household things. Keeping busy with no regard to me, I matter zero now. I am nothing now. Why? Why? WHY!
I have no partner, no companion, no helpmate, no soul mate, no live in best friend, no confidant, no wife, no girlfriend, nobody. I am completely alone. I doubt I'm going to make it. I am not meant to be alone. I'm meant to be a partner. I was meant to be a mother, but I am no longer the mother who is loved and needed by my sons, only from a far.
I can't believe this has happened to me. I was promised always. I was told I'd be taken care of. I was asked to move to Oregon and told I would be loved and cherished till the end of time. I was given hope to be shouldered and lifted up - not just in the sweet and healthy times - but always.
I have been let down. What exactly did I do so wrong, how was I so bad to be swept aside? cast out of the life that was guaranteed to be all I ever dreamed of? To vacation to far away places with? To be loved and held and to feel safe?
I have been abandoned. again. I have nothing without this promised life that was pulled away from me, as if I didn't matter. As if I had no say. As if I were a monster. As if all I did for the last 6 years meant absolutely nothing, let alone all I suffered through to get here, to the promised land. Didn't I take care of you during hard times? All I worked for. All I expected. Everything is gone and now I am totally and completely alone. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate my life. I hate being hurt, and this hurt is a hurt I never saw coming...I never thought I'd ever see. And, here I am. A-fucking alone. I don't want this. I don't want my life like this! I want what I was promised damn it! This is SO UNFAIR! I DON'T DESERVE THIS GOD DAMNIT omg I can't do this. my soul is crushed, my spirit is gone, my life is over without my dream...what is there? NOTHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG