12/31/2013

The date 12 31 13 is an interesting number to me. I'm a numbers person and I believe there is some sort of significance in numbers. Anyway, here it is the last day of 2013. I've wished for this year to be over for a long time, but in reality what am I thinking will happen so magically in 2014 that didn't happen this year? If I am lucky to still be around in 2014 I want to....

Be aware of who I am and where I've come from. I have been blessed this year with growing into the person I am today. Do I wish I had made better choices? YES! However, I've learned. I've gone beyond what I wanted or thought I could do and taken chances that I was uncomfortable doing alone, and true - the world did not come to an end by doing so.

Hold my tongue, well...watch closely the words that exit my mouth. I speak too quick, I say words that don't match my thoughts, I am quick to be insecure and pouty. Think of the people that hear my words. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 first! I never EVER want people offended by my words (unless they mess with me then its all on!). But I want people to feel cared for, loved, and respected.

Make better choices of what I eat, when I eat, why I eat. For those that know me well, know this has been a lifetime issue and you know that I've taken drastic steps to help me in this battle. It is an ongoing battle, but one that I know is possible to be kept at bay. It's one day at a time, and because there might be slips doesn't mean the end of the war. Putting this out into the Universe I believe will help keep me accountable to myself, to my God, and to my heart.

Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better Aunt,  a better employee, a better mother and a better Grammy. I know I'm pretty good at these things, but there is always room for improvement. To be fair, those in my life have been very good to me and with me and I am so incredibly thankful and feel blessed. My motto has always been to be 'kind' even when I think I'm right.

Be patient. Thinking that at my age I'm too old for things that I feel I want or need, but being patient is a must when I've tried my best to be where I want to be and have what I desire to have now. All things comes at the right time.

Now the hardest of all is for me to extend my boundaries. Step outside of my comfort zone and reach for the stars that I long to live among. Just do it. Take a chance and grab hold of what might seem too far from my grasp.

These are not resolutions but instead suggestions I am making for myself. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, for as we all know life has a way of throwing curve balls. I wish to learn to duck, to keep walking on the path, to tackle the journey and just realize: When something goes wrong in your life, just yell PLOT TWIST!

Happy New Year and may 2014 treat you kind and bring you Joy <3 p="">

3 days left, thank God its almost over!

All the Christmas celebrations are over, thank you baby Jesus! Had 4 different gatherings. Don't get me wrong, loved them all. Just glad that the hoopla is done because serious life has to move forward. Or lets just say life goes on no matter what.
What will 2014 bring? It already feels like it will be a repeat of 2013, unless I do something extreme and drastic to change it. I've already made a promise to myself. If anyone knows me, they know I won't promise unless I mean it. So, lets hope that the new year will not be anything like this year - that miracles will happen and life will go on with some meaning, not just empty days one after another after another........

3 days left to shake off this fucked up year
3 days left to put my plan into action
3 days left util hopefully some damn light appears at the beginning of a tunnel I can walk through

the day before the day before christmas

I've often said and heard said in many poems; You can be lonely in a room full of people. This feeling is always with me. It doesn't matter where I am, who is in the room, what I'm doing or where I walk....I'm always alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.

I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.

I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.

Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.

I remember

I notice the clothes piling high on the laundry basket so I begin to sort. Dark clothes here, light clothes there, and linens.....there among the kitchen dishtowels are those bath towels. I pink up that large pink bath towel and suddenly I'm enveloped within its soft cloth. Closing my eyes I remember. Just a few days ago these threads were wrapped around her body. I see her smile as she steps out of the bath and the twinkle in her eye. She loves her showers and I love seeing her so happy. The fresh scent mingles out into the room; a mixture of her soap and her cologne. I remember. Tonight I am sleeping with that pink cotton which has been refreshed with that aroma of musk and vanilla. I hope to sleep well tonight....as I remember.

whatever

Sometimes I get skeptical about the direction where my life is headed.
What if I don't get to meet the one person I am supposed to meet, if there is such a thing, because I am meeting all these other people instead, who are essentially unnecessary distractions from finding something significant and precious?
How could I even recognize that one person among all these others?
But then I think to myself, well, maybe I am supposed to meet all these people for some reason.
But Most people I meet make almost no difference in my life and give me nothing of value, they just take and take and take, and I am a giver and not a taker, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, maybe that's just my role and duty, which I regard as an honor on better days when I'm happier than today.
But usually nobody congratulates, applauds, or hugs you for that, and you wonder if it takes away from the value of your acts of kindness to stranger and friends that you wish that someone would.
You wish that someone would kiss your hand and say thank you...and you wish that you could stroke their hair and say it's ok....I've always wanted to do this for you.

Dear Karla....I miss you

one

How can passion come in longing words
that carry to a distant meadow
like the tree that bravely feels the wind
a flower soaking up the constant sun rays
a fish swimming up the stream
all pulls that guide and nurse the craving
for the touches of such ways are true
nourishment for their very core of being

lightning comes in splashes across the sky
if you blink you might miss the brilliance
and yet the thunder comes before the light
giving warning to what is next to come
I hear your heart and feel your power
and know that in the next moment
the brilliance will pour across my soul
and directly into my heart will I pound

There are but hours minutes and seconds
that make up the day that turn to weeks
and into months
but time is but a glimpse of waiting days
until such the moment is right
then the two become one and there is
no more waiting
all plans together make perfect sense
and the glory is found when the sky dances
with sparkling stars and a moon
smiling in wonderment of love

Mouthful of Forevers

I am not the first person you loved. You are not the first person I looked at with a mouthful of forevers. We have both known loss like the sharp edges of a knife. We have both lived with lips more scar tissue than skin. Our love came unannounced in the middle of the night. Our love came when we’d given up on asking love to come. I think that has to be part of its miracle. This is how we heal. I will kiss you like forgiveness. You will hold me like I’m hope. Our arms will bandage and we will press promises between us like flowers in a book. I will write sonnets to the salt of sweat on your skin. I will write novels to the scar of your nose. I will write a dictionary of all the words I have used trying to describe the way it feels to have finally, finally found you.

And I will not be afraid of your scars.

I know sometimes it’s still hard to let me see you in all your cracked perfection, but please know: whether it’s the days you burn more brilliant than the sun or the nights you collapse into my lap your body broken into a thousand questions, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. I will love you when you are a still day. I will love you when you are a hurricane.

Somethings come over me....

...and at times I feel like a little kid, or at least a teenager.
I'm looking at wedding gowns, honeymoon spots, and bridal sets!
I know, its not serious.....not yet.....but truly somethings come over me and it feels amazing!

I want to sell everything I have, almost, and move. Being in Oregon this last time reminded me once again of my deep love of Oregon. I need to be there, to go camping, to the mountains, to the place that makes me so happy. Nestled on the floor with lots of pillows and a fluffy rug...fire glowing, and the old house creaks as the one walks across the floor boards nearing me.

Again I'm needing to gather my patience and wait. I know the time is much closer than what I once thought. I know that some in my family will not understand how can I pull myself away from family, especially now. But hopefully they will come to realize that its just in me to be there - to take my last breath with the fresh memory of that magnificent sky line and the glorious snow capped Mt Hood. Time is not on my side, but I will ride it out as long as I can.

I'll be back.....my heart home

change

I've never been the sort of person to get used to change quickly. It takes time, patience, and conforming to really take to anything that changes. However Sunday something changed and I fell in love with it immediately. I got my first tattoo. Oh, I had huge plans for my first one. Been planning since I turned 50! But for this reason and that reason it just wasn't "right" and I'm so glad for that because my life has changed tremendously over the past two years. However Sunday, Jason and I together went to get some new ink! This is a congenital heart defects (CHD) awareness ribbon. Jason's is just the ribbon. Mine..well, I added the little sailor hat to the tip of the ribbon in honor of my Evan. I'm thrilled with this and yes, I'll be getting more :)

somebody..

...bring me some water
cuz I'm dying a slow death
I'm thirsty and can't find the quenching
for things causing me to be out of breath

...bring me some water
for I know that I'll never survive
this time continuum unfolding
for my face in you I will hide

...bring me some water
let me bathe in the scent that you left
finding you in every fold and corner
with eyes rolling back in my head

...bring me some water
as I know my lips are thoroughly parched
every ounce of liquid has left me
as your hand lifted my aching arch

...bring me some water
pour it completely over me
smile at the heat you are cooling
as you purr those words: 'my kitty'

Dear Pastor of a local church

Dear Pastor ....,
I wish to be completely respectful of your FB pages and of your Churches website so thought I would send you a message here, for you to read and do with as you so wish.
I applaud that you took to preaching (teaching) about the hard topics that is rampant out in our society and the world today. I know with first hand experience that not only is it stressful, it can become a sore spot for those members who disagree and possibly even leave the congregation because of their different views. I was looking forward to hearing your message and am very glad I did.
My history isn't necessarily important, but for the sake of knowing where I come from, here goes. I grew up in a religious Christian household - Southern baptist no less. We had church on Sundays and Wednesdays, VBS taught by my mother, youth camps, my parents were part of planting new churches, preachers family would come to the house on Sunday afternoon for pot roast, we performed in church plays, memorized the books of the Bible and scriptures from a very early age. We were known as the go to family for helping, cooking, fund raising, Bible studies, women's groups, etc. Later, my husband and I became church warriors and (serious) leaders of our church where we had our two children, who happened to be completely involved with everything church and everything Jesus. So, please allow me to use this as explaining that I am well aware of: the teachings, the scriptures, the church faculty PC communication and beliefs of the existence of the homosexual community and the connection to the 'church'. However I left out one point. I knew at age 9 I was a lesbian. I also knew at age 9 that I would go to hell, for that is what was taught to me. I was aware that letting anyone know this fact about me was going to bring shame, ridicule, rejection, hurt and fear to family and friends. So I did what every good Christian who wanted to just be accepted and loved and able to have children did, and I hid my "truth". I was very good at this, for no one had any hint. In fact, I was so good that I convinced myself that it must have been the devils work and to reject it in my thoughts. Through church I was in charge of meals on wheels, I was a Woman's ministry leader, VBS director and the stay at home mom all working moms (mostly within my church) could call when their child needed to be watched during the day while they HAD to work. I was the friend of the Pastor's family who was called on to help pack up their house when they weren't able to do so due to a move away to plant a new church. I was the one to bake, give presents, encourage, help the homeless, provide baby and wedding showers. I provided a safe and loving place for those before and after school kids who could do their homework and have a meal and be cleaned up and ready to go home when picked up at 7 PM, only for them to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I was trusted, 'loved', and used by everyone because I had shown in my life that my heart was good and through it all I loved my God and try to live by the example of Jesus. What people did not understand was that I was sad, lonely, and felt fake because of one thing: I was not able to openly experience what I always knew; I was a gay woman attracted to spiritual and giving women. My husband was a wonderful provider. He was one of the best Daddies I had seen. He loved the Lord and was a trusted friend and worker on all accounts. However, we were not compatible. You see, I was not sexually what he was comfortable with (I was a bit overweight and this was not his choice of attraction) and I was not able to fully give myself in our encounters. However, as a good Christian, I tried everything I could to get 'past' that part of our marriage. I became extremely sad when I would see how others in the world had happiness and compatibility. They would hold hands, be loving, be interacting on a deep level. Sure, my husband held my hand on Sunday, even put his arm around me while we sat on the pew, but then there was nothing else until the following Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame him for anything. He was living his 'truth' for the most part. But his 'sin' was acceptable, mine was not. To make it clear, I do not find being a homosexual a sin. I have gone to Great lengths to study this in some of the older versions of our Bible, for many many years. I have sought out to ask people within the Pastoral community, authors, speakers and scholars. My conclusions, as I guess you may already know that I have, is that the teachings of what is practiced about homosexuality is misconstrued and what I believe was meant in a few Bible verses, were to be about lust, rape, incest, and war and not of a loving same sex relationships and partnerships. To wrap this part up..After many years of deep depression I was able to rest in the loving arms of God and become brave to become me, the complete true self. The same true self every single heterosexual is allowed to do with no pomp and circumstance. Nothing to do with anything else, just an honest life with the ability to go forward. Same person. Same Mom, same kids, same parents and sisters, same heart of giving and of helps. Ah, but not the same friends. You see most all of my friends were of the church so no, they all accepted that I was not 'walking with God' and my poor husband (of which they NEVER were given the information of what went on in our home where his actions were unacceptable). It hurt, as I knew it would, but because I was raised "in the church" I knew this was to come. I knew the fate ahead of me in this regard and, because they could not see beyond what they were taught, rejected me to be in their life. I was still me - but because of this one thing, I became a monster.
So, in conclusion, while I still am very glad you were able to bring a heartfelt and loving sermon out to your congration on this topic, we are in disagreement about the origin of what you deem sin, and what I deem is a society of fear. I am still a Christian. My faith has not wavered. My relationship with the organized church has, as many preach like you about "obviously you cannot become a member because of your sin". I shudder at the thought of the leaders in churches that are secretly child molesters, gamblers of the homes necessary household money, food addicts, liars, income tax cheaters, boasters, braggers, unfaithful to their spouse, and the list of hidden sins go on and on. You see, I will not hide my truth which is knowing God loves me exactly as I am and that it is my heart He sees. It is the fruits of His Spirit that is judged by Him and He alone. I know that I am just like everyone else and am far far from perfect. But, it is through God's grace that I am held and loved. I have prayed for you and your church. A very sweet lady and previous co worker of mine goes to your church so I am excited for your growth and the love you show others. I know you are on a journey yourself as we all are, so I pray that only great things come to your church and in your families way!
Blessings.

stuck

I'm stuck in a world of I don't know ....... and  that which I totally know.
I want to be near my sister, mom, sons, and grand baby..... but I don't know how much longer I can hang on to this.
The feeling of being free and loving life and frolicking and being happy is calling me to wonder.
When is it going to be my turn again?
Will I find that happy place where I wake up in the morning, smile, and find myself sure of what my life is all about?
Can I trust again?
Can I truly be loved again?
My thoughts are mixed with doubt and insecurities and sadness.
I know what I "want"
I know what I "need"
I do not know how to find me right now without sacrificing something HUGE
Where am I to turn for the answers?
Who knows what the right thing for me to do is?
God....are you listening? Do you care?
Have I been tossed aside into a cruel world of lonely, bitterness and un-finished compromise?
I am lost today.
Lost into a world of I don't fucking know.
There seems that no one can answer any questions for me, but myself.
And I have no answers.
None.
I'm stsuck.

Why I Will Always Believe In Love

You may have endured countless heartbreaks and hurt. Your girlfriend has cheated on you, she casually says, “I just don’t love you no more.” Your father may have left you since you were a child or your sister betrayed your trust for not keeping your deepest darkest secret. But deep down, deep down, you still have this tiniest bit of hope that the next love you’ll find is going to work.

You may have tried and failed. And tried and failed again. You may have twenty names in your it-just-didn't-work-between-us list.  You've cried yourself to sleep every single time after all those breakups, and you vow to guard your heart a little better – to not give every piece of puzzle to the next one who comes along. But you’ll never be able to stop putting yourself out there. You’ll find yourself having the strength of being vulnerable once more. Because you know you are one step closer to finding the one, even when you know you might get hurt once more.

You may once be a believer. “That was when I was naive,” you said. “That was when I didn’t know the truth in this cruel world.” Then something happens – something always does, and you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum. You scoff at those believing in fate; you mock your friends for believing in love. “The sooner you learn the truth,” you begin, “the sooner it will set you free.” But every night when you close your eyes to sleep, you wish there’s something you can do to fill the emptiness in your heart. You wish, deep down, you can be a believer once more.

You may be broken. You may have been experiencing enough pain to turn your back on the world, on humanity, and on every fairy-tale fantasy that feeds the possible existence of your true love. But there will still be moments that make your heart skip a beat. A touch. A smile. Those warm eyes. There are seconds when you will find yourself breathless, igniting that fire inside your heart that has been long put to rest – a flicker of hope of the warmth that you never think will experience once more.

You may feel desperately lonely. You have spent your days waiting and hoping that the next girl who sweeps you off your feet will present you the missing pair of glass shoes and end your single-hood forever. You wait – while at the same time seeing your friends getting engaged and close friends having full lives. But you never give up. You never give up of showing up, of getting yourself out of the house because if there’s even the tiniest chance of meeting that girl today, you’ll grab it.

You may watch the news – witness wars emerging and societies breaking. Death. Greed. Anger. Pain. Sadness. You start asking yourself, “How could anyone do this to another?” You become a complete cynic towards whatever good that is present, questioning every motive behind every deed. But then you see a two-year-old smiling wide, laughing innocently while their mother wipe away that ice cream smudge on their face. And you find yourself smiling. There is still goodness in this world. There is still hope. There is still love.

You may even curse love. Your curse it so hard that it rips your heart to pieces. You hate others who believe in it. But deep down, deep down, this hatred roots in the hope of its success. You hate love because it has failed you. You despise love because it is the one thing you want to have, but robbed.

You may say you don’t believe in love. But deep down, way deep down, you always will. It doesn't matter if love has or hasn't done you justice. Because even the tiniest hope of its existence gives you hope for tomorrow.

It gives hope to life. 

I wish I had a million dollars

so I could flee the horizon on a whim

To visit friends and give comfort

and not lose my connection here with the family

Its a tough choice to make...

a promise or my soul?

For now, I wait. Answers are coming

Time seems to hurry by and before you know it your life turns again

If I had a million dollars

I'd set sail on the ocean and bring my friends

We would dine on the best and dance until dawn

Watching the black sea turn blue and alive with creatures

For now I have a buck fifty so I remain in my cell

Only my thoughts and my desires take me away.......to wait for that day

And so

you begin again

You pick yourself up and step forward

There is nothing that can be changed

from the lessons of yesterday

Remember they are lessons

and take heed to not repeat

As you know others will con you

and they will lie to you

and they will cheat on you

and they will use you

So start over

begin again

TRACY CHAPMAN - THE PROMISE

If you wait for me 
then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart

If you think of me
If you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

If you dream of me 
L like I dream of you
In a place that's warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting

I've longed for you 
A and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are 

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting 

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise 
If it's one that you can keep
I vow to come for you
If you wait for me 

And say you'll hold
A place for me 
I in your heart.

What I'd like to say ...

Her kisses are full of a sweetness I have never ever tasted before...

Her hands are like silk as they caress my skin...

Her eyes say things that make me go weak at the knees when she looks at me...

Her love makes me vulnerable yet stronger than I've ever been...

My woman, my love, my strength

Today is my first full day at age 53

...so where am I going and what am I doing?

I found out something yesterday that brought back pain I hadn't felt in many years. I don't know why I was surprised. It's not like this is the first time this had happened. But, just like bumping your toe on furniture, you've done that many times before but each time its just as painful.

The road of life really is one lesson after another. Sometimes we think we know and then we are reminded that we didn't have a clue. I try to take the lesson and move on, move ahead, forgive - but NEVER forget.

I want to take the leap, I want to do what makes ME happy and content. Why is that so hard to do?

Go Katy P, GO!

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong I know you get me, so I let my walls come down, down Before you met me, I was a wreck But things were kinda heavy, you brought me to life Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine Let's go all the way tonight No regrets, just love We can dance until we die You and I, we'll be young forever You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream The way you turn me on, I can't sleep Let's run away and don't ever look back Don't ever look back My heart stops when you look at me Just one touch, now baby I believe This is real, so take a chance And don't ever look back, don't ever look back

Waiting

It seems my life in some respects has been "put on hold" since November 2011. I've had to wait for something to happen, and then the shoe was dropped so I was left waiting for something else to happen.

Finding me was important. Finding the me that was the new me, as the old me would never surface the same again. And yet, I found me while searching through tears and friends and events.

Then, another shoe. Followed by yet another and another and another......

So the trick is to be the ME that is from within. The ME that doesn't change through challenges or events that I have no control over. The ME that is moved by the passions deep within my soul. The ME that finds joy in the simple and the familiar things. The ME that makes others happy and the ME that others appreciate. I am ME. I love me. I love this next new "ME" that resides. And I will continue to love ME and share ME through the end of times.

Connections

Connecting on a level like none other before, feeling like there is comfort and familiarity and yet incredibly new and like nothing previously experienced

Now to give time and space and freedom - must give if there is any hope

I believe

I believe I'm valuable and lovable and worth fighting for
I believe I possess qualities that should be honored and appreciated
I believe there is hope in pushing away past demons and creating daily dances of future loving memories
I believe that what I value, who I am, my individual character traits should be accepted and validated
I believe where there is a pull - there is hope

Time is short and life's continuum of quality is unclear

I choose to live and breathe and run with everything positive and happy and loving

4 days

4 days to wait for that blast of fresh air...
4 days from now, my fingers running through her hair

No expectations and no reason to worry...
Breakfast plans being made, we won't hurry

Gentle and free, two souls with a quest...
Combining love and devotion, in desire and rest

In our busy lives setting time for us aside...
For it is part of the journey, the one we now ride

There is nothing to fear, only honest connections...
Where 4 days from now, we will carry out our intentions

.....that special place

One month ago the sky was brighter, the moon was fuller, and the air was clearer than it had been in a very long time...one month ago smiles were shared, eyes met and talks began - the stage was set

This time has been both still and quick, days last long and yet are over in the blink of an eye. You know what I am thinking, you know what to ask, and you know how to capture my full attention. my mornings are welcomed with joy and love and my evenings end with peace and contentment

soon....we will be side by side, no outside interruptions...only two souls with two hearts entering one connection....all in our special place.

14 Ways To Rethink The Love In Your Life

14 Ways To Rethink The Love In Your Life

1. Your feelings are not an all-or-nothing-deal.

You can love someone just a little. You can love a lot of people just a little. There’s no switch that goes on for every single person you meet that will tell you whether or not you will love them for all of eternity. Sometimes it’s a mystery to uncover, and that is a process that should be enjoyed. You will not always be certain that someone is either your soul-mate or just a friend, because not everybody falls into either of those categories; there is a spectrum when it comes to love, and there will be many people in your life who fall along all different ends of it. Love is not an all-or-nothing deal.

2. The heart and mind should work in tandem.

Love is not logical, but at the same time, you can’t just let your feelings run rampant and allow you to make irresponsible, harmful or dangerous decisions, like staying with an abusive partner. It is a tricky equilibrium, but it’s important to learn how to listen to your heart first while still considering what your head has to say about it.

3. It will probably never be defined, so don’t try to identify it by making a list and checking off if someone makes you feel a certain way.

Love is to be experienced. You do not love someone just because they fit into a set of pre-established criteria that you thought would be necessary to have feelings for someone. As aforementioned, you have to let your heart navigate and your head copilot for a little logic and reasoning now and again. 

4. Fulfilling love is not just romantic.

Love is also the essence of who we are. You are not unloved because you don’t have a romantic or sexual partner, this is another way that love can be experienced.

5. Sex and love are different, but are great when they coincide.

Just because someone wants a sexual relationship with you, or vice versa, it does not necessarily provide much indication of where they are at emotionally. You can have fulfilling sexual relations with people you don’t love, and likewise, you can be very much in love with someone without being sexually compatible.

6. Likewise, marriage and love are different, but are also great when they coincide.

People expect that if they marry someone it will confirm that they are in love and will be forever because they are legally bound to be. Marriage is not a grand and glamorous exclamation of love everyday of your life. It’s paying bills and taking trips to Costco and cleaning up after each other when you’re sick and unable. Some people consider that love, and others consider it obligation. Realize that “happily ever after” is not necessarily marriage, and you have to consider the realities of life post-nuptials.

7. It is something you do, not just something you feel.

It’s a verb. You can have feelings that you define as love, but you do not “love someone” until you act on that, and put them before yourself: their happiness, well-being etc. You should apply this to the people who claim they love you but don’t act like it. Words mean next to nothing unless they are backed with action.

8. It is easily and often confused for lust.

It’s hard to differentiate between feelings, since they’re usually all bundled up and packaged into one little body that can’t make sense of things. But love and lust are different in one key respect: love puts the other first, lust puts the self first.

9. There is no end-all-be-all when it comes to choosing a partner.

You can have a fulfilling life with many different people. There are, however, some people who will do more for you than others, this is just the reality of being alive. It doesn't mean, however, that you've lost out on love for the rest of your life because it didn't work out with one person, nor does it mean that you’ll never love someone that way again.

10. It grows with time, it is not stagnant.

It’s sometimes easy to think that facing challenges means that your love is depleting, but really, if you want to work through those issues with someone, and you come out on the other side stronger both individually and as a couple, you've got something good going on.

11. It will change you, if it hasn't already.

Love is not something you blindly experience and then come out of the same. It is transformative. If you’re having trouble identifying whether something is love or not, something to consider is the effect it has had on you. I’m not saying that love is selfish and solely about what it does for you, but rather when you love someone with all that you've got, and you let it reverberate through you and impact you completely, you will come out a different person… or more aware of who you really are.

12. It is not always certain and definite. You are allowed to be unsure.

I think sometimes people get more upset about not knowing than the fact that they don’t know. Embrace the uncertainty and see it as part of the journey… try to understand why you are uncertain, and what matters so much to you that you are considering how other options could pan out better. More than anything, though, realize that there is no “right” and “wrong” necessarily, the universe will autocorrect, just be ready for the plunge.

13. It is very rarely smooth and flawless.

It is more often all messed up because real love impacts you at every level and brings forth everything you need to deal with. The real fairy tales are what happens when you find someone who changes you and you’re able to live happily ever after with yourself.

14. It cannot, should not, and never will be what gives you your sense of self.

If that’s what your love does for you, and that’s what keeps you in it, it’s time to leave until you can fill yourself with love first.

Serendipity

I knew the escape was necessary

being pulled to go as if I had no say or choice in the matter

no stress, no fuss, just get on the plane and go

Let my hair down, impress no one, be me and be free

play and laugh, meet new friends 

drink up even if getting drunk beyond reason were to happen

Driving into the park, feeling a powerful energy that was unlike anything I'd felt in a long while

the trees, the sky, the smiles on faces of strangers and familiar friends

a sense that this would be certainly a time to remember

I had no idea the magnitude .........

simplicity

I crave to be in the presence of my love, being 'me' and her being 'her' and both finding bliss
For there is no 'wrong' when you are doing what pleases you

A walk in the woods, a path by the river, a blanket set out and wine slowly sipped

Star gazing on a clear night, a drive through the country, exchanging conversation - open and honestly

Scrambled egg breakfast on the bed in the morning watching classic movies and cuddles till noon

Cooking dinner of vegetables, meats and herbs, laughing as the pot is stirred, setting candles on the table by the fire - dinner served in one bowl sharing the cooked delights

Simplicity

Brown Eyes

Oh those eyes that penetrate deep
those brown eyed beauties capturing my heart to keep -
Spilling out and showing her true beauty
her compassion, her romance, her adorable bootie

Her smile that radiates for all the world to see
this stunning women who stands before me -
The happy that reaches deep down to my bones
is a feeling that's brilliant in rainbow tones

Her skin soft as cotton, so smooth to the touch
I'm tempted and moved to want to remain in her clutch
The sun shining, sends a message to me -
for its magic that happens when we are together....you'll see!

The Heart of it All

My heart skips to a new beat -
having her always on my mind
I feel so blessed she was present -
her warmth, her whisper, her kind

Early in days and hours -
not at all a very long time
With hours of conversations spoken -
soon she'll hold her hand in mine

Life has a way of unfolding -
the secrets of what is to come
where once set on not knowing
now brightness has settled and overcome

I'm sure that nothing is promised -
for compliments are thrown around
but what there is no doubt of
is this lady is singing a new sound

so close....I can feel the senses come alive
the air seems lighter and the sky is bluer
the wind is crisper and the stars are brighter
aching, pleading, gasping....a whisper

the room is alive and the arousal is high
thoughts of instant memories come to life
the day is beginning and falls quietly into night
minutes turning to hours and cascading onto days

lay down and remove your shoes...let the shirt fall
sing to me the song that only i can hear
take me to a place that only i can see
so close.....i can taste the the energy

What do you want WenDee, what do you really want?

I desire to have a special woman in my life who is strong. Someone who I do not settle on, but someone who has the characteristics that are sincere and honest and open.

She will be someone who can walk into my family and be loving and warm. Her smile and friendliness will capture their hearts and she'll learn to understand the dynamics of what my family is all about. They will welcome her as they see how good she treats me and how loving we are. They will know when they see our eyes and how we interact and they will be pleased that I have found true love.

My love will be an active woman who inspires me to push forward - one who plays and laughs and loves deeply. She will venture out into the world and hold her hand out to me, bringing me with her as we discover new places. She will also allow me to take her arm and bring her to that peace and calm that settles her soul and feel the emotional and spiritual connection that only two who come together in love and respect can feel.

My love will have a past and bring her own baggage and her pain and her broken heart. She will know that I as well carry this same lot. Together we will heal and learn and put all things in the places they need to be in; no longer in the front room but in the basement or the attic. Yes, they shall still remain, but they will not be a stumbling block to move forward. I hope that whoever she is, would not walk away because of anything in my past but rather embrace the wendee of today and want to be a part of the wendee of tomorrow.

I want to live simply and be allowed to love deeply. I want my partner to have the freedom to enjoy their own passions and that I be respected to have the same. I hope that whoever she is, she would not walk away because of anything I have had to experience and may still be lingering around my being.

Since I was a child my heart has been played and beaten. It has been stepped on and broken. I've lost pieces where empty holes remain. But, when alone my heart can never truly heal. I have to trust that there is a way for bandages to be placed by someone special, someone whose love and care would soothe the wounds and the pain and the heart would be held with tenderness. No longer will the sting and the pain that was once felt, remain.

We all have a path in this journey to take. I've been alone long enough. My love, my sweetness, find me lingering along this path - take my hand and please walk beside me as we experience a new life together.

MoM

Spending so much time with mom these last 11 months I've seen her wither away. To outsiders they would say how strong she is. After all at age 83 she has no obvious health issues other than her arthritis. But, I see more. I am privy to the mental health of my mother. 

Her father had what was called back then-dementia. What I remember from this seemingly happy man was a frail fellow who smiled a lot, who played cards with me every time we went to visit, but who also sat in his wheelchair complaining. He also was a story teller. Oh, his little jokes and white lies were harmless, or were they? I think there was a lot more to him then what met the eye, and I believe that is the case with my mom. 

Mom seems to have stories that change from time to time, from person to person, from her mood to mood. I grew up with this. Mom could excuse away anything and believe it whole heartedly. Her memories change and become less or more to the original reality of the event. This has been a part of my life since I could remember, starting at age 5. 

Today I had to tell my mom that she is not the same, that she is forgetting things and making things up. I said I'm sorry momma I know you don't want to hear this, but you don't realize that your brain is playing tricks on you and you have to trust me (with your medications, money, etc). The look on her face made me cry. She appeared to show a sense of sad with a sense of not believing it. She just looked at me. At that moment I knew for sure, all things worked out for the best in my life. I was meant to be here. I was meant to care for my mother in her aging years until the end. I was meant to meet someone who understood this commitment and I was meant to be in this god forsaken desert...at least for now. 

I do not know the number of years we have with mom being "all there" but I am going to try my hardest to love her every day as best as I can. God help me!

Myself and I

I love myself the way I am
Because I know I have my flaws
But then again so does everyone else
It's the choice of what you do with your imperfections
That sets you apart from your pessimistic peers
I love myself the way I am
Because no one else can be just like me
I will always have one unique thing about me
That sets me apart from the rest of the world
I think what I want, I do what I want.
I love myself the way I am
Because I surround myself with the people I love
I have friends and family to guide me
To be by my side when I need them the most
I love myself the way I am 

Reminder

Always be yourself, no matter how weird you are. Anyone who's worth knowing, will love you for being you. 
If you doubt yourself, others will doubt you as well. Stand proud, confident and in your truth.

HBDH

One year ago today I remember how sad I was.
Today I remember everything.

understanding and clarity

i only was trying to protect me

it seemed like the right thing to do so the pain would be less

the reality that i must let go of any false sense of entitlement 

all done to protect me, no other agenda

i still flounder and haven't found a firm stick to hold onto

the days fall into one long one and sometimes i even forget that its a new week

but i wish for utter happiness for DC, for contentment and peace

that life would only bring smiles and flowers and dances in the moonlight

It's been one year Karla, I miss you.

One year ago tonight was the last time I heard your voice. Was the last time I said I love you and heard you say “I love you too my sister”. I made the phone call very excited as I had gotten my new kindle fire in the mail, something you begged me to get! You loved yours and even offered to buy me one. On this last phone call we made plans to go over our new tablets so you could show me all the favorite things you had found. I was due to fly to Burbank that Saturday. Your voice sounded obviously like you were so tired. You even said I’m just so sleepy. I told you go to sleep and I’ll see you in 3 days. I got the call when I was driving home the next afternoon. My life, again, crumbled in that drivers’ seat begging Paula to tell me no, it’s not true. At home I crumbled into a ball, realizing that one of the most important persons in my life is gone. It’s been a year.

You were 14 months older than me, but we were reared as if we were twins. Even to our sister Paula and our brother Brad, we were referred to as the girls….Poor Paula! We’d play for hours hide and go seek using the large mural on our living room wall. We napped together, shared a bed up until I was 13/you 14 when Paula got married and moved out. That is when you got “the front room” which was the honored room belonging to the oldest, the next in line. However, in this room we shared many nights playing crazy 8 and gin rummy on the floor. 

We’d smoke our cigarettes and light our candles nestled in old wine bottles, listening to all of your music: Carole King, Bread, Cat Stevens, James Taylor and other fabulous singers of the day. I never could remember a lyric, no matter how often I heard the song. You only needed to listen to it from beginning to end twice before singing the entire song by memory. I played the guitar – puff the magic dragon, if I had a hammer, moon shadow and other simple songs. Your singing in harmony was like a sweet bird, singing in wonder and grace. I loved watching you sing and loved playing the songs that made you happy. We stayed in that room for our security, and sadly our safety. We’d escape from the one who hurt us; this locked room was our escape. I remember the day we fought back, and he didn’t hurt us again after that. We scared the crap outta him and you and I locked eyes, and we laughed and we KNEW we had won that war!
I think we just always knew we had each-others back, that no matter what we had a connection like none other.

 

You had long flowing blond locks, I had shorter wavy brown hair.
My doll was Raggedy Andy, you of course had Ann. 

Mom dressed you in pink and red, I was adorned with blue and green.
When we played ‘office’ you were the pretty secretary, I was the mean boss (LOL!)
When we played with Barbie’s you insisted on having the only Barbie doll and her sister skipper, while I happily took the Mary Poppins doll and cleaned the house.
Once summer came, we were in the pool from May to September. Mom even served us food by the poolside so we didn’t have to get out and come inside! Our bodies tan, mine pretty much rolly polly, but not you. We played mermaids, but you always wanted mermen to come visit. I never understood that, ha-ha! Speaking of tanning and the pool – you and Paula as you got older would coat your skin with tanning oil and lay out by the pool sunbathing. I thought how stupid and boring! I didn’t “get” that you were trying to get that California golden tan to entice the boys. No…I didn’t really ever get that part. No wonder, I turned out a Lesbian : )  

We were inseparable, until the year I remained in elementary school and you went on to middle school. Oh, that was a tough year because I was 11 and was the little annoying baby sister according to your new buddies. I missed my best friend. You were growing up, while I was still a child (me, the late bloomer for sure!) You had boyfriends, smoked cigarettes, and started wearing makeup. I was playing with my new Malibu Barbie, watching game shows on TV and riding my bike with the attached basket to school. We were different, and yet you were still my best friend.

When you got your first job at 7 kitchens at the mall I was so proud of you! I would take the bus to visit you and sit at the tables and want to take your breaks with you. In fact, I was around so much that the following year when I was old enough they hired me! Did I ever tell you how incredibly happy I was that year? How being Karla’s little sister was a HUGE wonderful thing for me because everyone there loved you so much? It was like I was related to the star! That is, until they fired me because after too many warnings where I had been telling the customers how to buy things cheaper, I was let go. I didn’t take it personally; in fact I kept visiting you – until you’d tell me to leave!

During that year some serious things happened…medical issues that I was sworn to secrecy to keep just between you and me. Boyfriend issues that you would confide in me, only me, and I would listen and cry with you over. Our father who had left and never came around to be with us. We knew we didn’t do anything wrong and yet; we shared the common feeling of  abandonment that was natural to feel at that time. Both of us mourning and remembering the life of our brother who had died a few years earlier and who we missed so badly. We knew if Brad was here, Mom would be happy and Dad might not have left and maybe we could have been a “normal” Family. Maybe…just maybe…but we had each other. You ALWAYS had me to come to and even though you felt you had to distance yourself from me, I knew you would there and would care when I needed your help, no matter what was going on in your life.

I finally caught on to the dating thing and we would double date, all the time. Remember those two boys who lived in Beverly Hills? I do not remember the older boys name – the one who drove – but the brother who sat in the back seat with me was named Ricky Nelson! Yes, I was “dating” Ricky Nelson at age 14 and I had NO CLUE what that meant. Then you dated Scott. Scott’s friend Roger (what a sweet guy he was!) Scott’s friend Dave (he was a wise guy) Scott’s friend Jim (how handsome he was!). Yeah….Scott loved you so…but his friends…I wasn’t all that in to J I’m so glad you and Gary married, he was so cool and was a wonderful brother in law. 

Standing up as your maid of honor at your wedding was one of my proudest moments up to that time. You choose me – out of all your friends – ME to be there for you! I’ll never ever forget seeing how beautiful you were that day. Like a genuine angel. 

Your first baby came and was adored as if he were a little prince. Then, surprisingly you were expecting your 2^nd at the very same time I was expecting my first! Oh, what joy we’d have as we compared our growing bellies with our little miracles inside. We again were sharing something so special, just as we always had. However…..there was a change coming on that was very perplexing. I didn’t understand for many years the true magnitude of your being Bi-Polar. I thought you were just a very sensitive person, who had shifts of moods that would come on like a monsoon. You would cry and cry and be so sad, and then you’d be incredibly mad over anything, only to follow those extreme highs of laughter and singing and wanting to create. 

My gawd, how you could create! Your talent was never EVER appreciated as it should have been. Your voice was as good as any solid gold winner, your artwork was fun and flowing and lifelike. You wrote some of the most beautiful poems and stories – sadly they were destroyed after you passed away for some reason L You cooked masterpieces, and baked such delights; you’d decorate the house with your amazing style and make homemade gifts that were Macy store quality! You could photograph anything and make it look alive in a still shot. Karla, I wish you knew how talented you were. I do not think you ever appreciated your skills. I sure wish I had told you more often, you deserved to feel more special than I’m afraid you ever felt.

Your illness caused a great distance between us, mostly because neither one of us understood what was going on. There was no internet to search, no Google or Yahoo to look up your symptoms. Ask.com wasn’t around and webmd wasn’t even a thought. We just tried to not have things be frustrating for you and there were a lot of sorrys’ said between all of the family. All in all we made it work. We learned how to cope during those ‘down’ times and we embraced the ‘up’ times! I am sure those last few years were your hardest, since your sweet son died at age 19 in that flood. I’m so incredibly sorry I wasn’t here more for you. I missed you K. I wanted to be here more often. I tried…I tried to fly down for most all the family gatherings. Karla, please know that I KNEW you were totally there for me when things happened in Oregon. Then coming down at Christmas and getting the flu, again you reached out and I felt and knew your love. Even though I had a temperature and could have exposed everyone to my illness, you insisted that I be there (and yes, a lot of the family did get sick after I left!) But you made everyone see that being together as a family was more important.

  

Thank you. Thank you for being a wonderful sister. Thank you for giving me a best friend. Thank you for showing me how to be more compassionate to those in need from a mental condition. Thank you for loving me no matter what – even through our differences.

I know that when I get to where you are, you will be smiling and welcoming me to the garden of heaven. With you, Alex, our brother Brad and Grandpa with that silly grin, waiting and laughing and full of Peace. Until then, I will look up to the sky looking for those puffy clouds that look like smiles, the pretty yellow butterflies that visit and feel you near me.

My dear sister, Karla Jean Levin, You are Loved, You are Missed.

Love Wendy, your little sister