the day before the day before christmas

I've often said and heard said in many poems; You can be lonely in a room full of people. This feeling is always with me. It doesn't matter where I am, who is in the room, what I'm doing or where I walk....I'm always alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.

I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.

I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.

Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.