12/31/2013

The date 12 31 13 is an interesting number to me. I'm a numbers person and I believe there is some sort of significance in numbers. Anyway, here it is the last day of 2013. I've wished for this year to be over for a long time, but in reality what am I thinking will happen so magically in 2014 that didn't happen this year? If I am lucky to still be around in 2014 I want to....

Be aware of who I am and where I've come from. I have been blessed this year with growing into the person I am today. Do I wish I had made better choices? YES! However, I've learned. I've gone beyond what I wanted or thought I could do and taken chances that I was uncomfortable doing alone, and true - the world did not come to an end by doing so.

Hold my tongue, well...watch closely the words that exit my mouth. I speak too quick, I say words that don't match my thoughts, I am quick to be insecure and pouty. Think of the people that hear my words. Count to 10 or 20 or 100 first! I never EVER want people offended by my words (unless they mess with me then its all on!). But I want people to feel cared for, loved, and respected.

Make better choices of what I eat, when I eat, why I eat. For those that know me well, know this has been a lifetime issue and you know that I've taken drastic steps to help me in this battle. It is an ongoing battle, but one that I know is possible to be kept at bay. It's one day at a time, and because there might be slips doesn't mean the end of the war. Putting this out into the Universe I believe will help keep me accountable to myself, to my God, and to my heart.

Be a better friend, a better daughter, a better sister, a better Aunt,  a better employee, a better mother and a better Grammy. I know I'm pretty good at these things, but there is always room for improvement. To be fair, those in my life have been very good to me and with me and I am so incredibly thankful and feel blessed. My motto has always been to be 'kind' even when I think I'm right.

Be patient. Thinking that at my age I'm too old for things that I feel I want or need, but being patient is a must when I've tried my best to be where I want to be and have what I desire to have now. All things comes at the right time.

Now the hardest of all is for me to extend my boundaries. Step outside of my comfort zone and reach for the stars that I long to live among. Just do it. Take a chance and grab hold of what might seem too far from my grasp.

These are not resolutions but instead suggestions I am making for myself. Life is meant to be lived to the fullest, for as we all know life has a way of throwing curve balls. I wish to learn to duck, to keep walking on the path, to tackle the journey and just realize: When something goes wrong in your life, just yell PLOT TWIST!

Happy New Year and may 2014 treat you kind and bring you Joy <3 p="">

3 days left, thank God its almost over!

All the Christmas celebrations are over, thank you baby Jesus! Had 4 different gatherings. Don't get me wrong, loved them all. Just glad that the hoopla is done because serious life has to move forward. Or lets just say life goes on no matter what.
What will 2014 bring? It already feels like it will be a repeat of 2013, unless I do something extreme and drastic to change it. I've already made a promise to myself. If anyone knows me, they know I won't promise unless I mean it. So, lets hope that the new year will not be anything like this year - that miracles will happen and life will go on with some meaning, not just empty days one after another after another........

3 days left to shake off this fucked up year
3 days left to put my plan into action
3 days left util hopefully some damn light appears at the beginning of a tunnel I can walk through

the day before the day before christmas

I've often said and heard said in many poems; You can be lonely in a room full of people. This feeling is always with me. It doesn't matter where I am, who is in the room, what I'm doing or where I walk....I'm always alone.
Yes, I have my mother...my sister..my sons..my daughter in law..my grand daughter..even my best friend Janyce..but I'm still alone.
They all have their own lives to live, their own families to care for and their own inner circle of love.
But to go home and be alone every night, to sleep alone every night, to cook alone, to plan things alone, to take a walk alone, to sing alone, to have no one laugh at your jokes......
This is truly like a hell that is never ending.
Sometimes I wonder if I can really go on here in this alone, how long will my mental state be certain in this alone world?
I volunteer and enjoy my efforts. I smile. I laugh. I small talk and I share. But then the day/night is over and alone I return to my lil' 4 walls.
Most of those are much younger and have no clue the pain I carry with me every second of every day. Most don't notice and most just don't care.
I have nobody who wants to sit with me and sip coffee or wine and discuss events of the past, excitements once lived, goals I once had, or childhood horrors. There is no one who cares, who has room in their heart.

I'm slowly dying inside, feeling like a time bomb just ticking away until the explosion will release and the end of the pain will come. Some days I pray for that time to arrive quickly because I just can't imagine going on and on like this.

I want to dance and sing and tell funny stories and joke. I want to make silly faces and walk in the rain. I want to find tucked away cafe's and eat apple pie. I want to drive to the mountains and play in the snow. I want to go to the city and watch a good IMAX movie. I want to rent a scooter and ride by the ocean. I want to camp in the forest and build large campfires. I want to make dinner for two and not put 1/2 the food away in the fridge or give it to my dog. But I can't nor will do these things alone.

Merry Christmas, to me. 2014 this is your last chance. My official warning to the spirits in the sky and the Universe in general. I won't enter 2015 alone.

I remember

I notice the clothes piling high on the laundry basket so I begin to sort. Dark clothes here, light clothes there, and linens.....there among the kitchen dishtowels are those bath towels. I pink up that large pink bath towel and suddenly I'm enveloped within its soft cloth. Closing my eyes I remember. Just a few days ago these threads were wrapped around her body. I see her smile as she steps out of the bath and the twinkle in her eye. She loves her showers and I love seeing her so happy. The fresh scent mingles out into the room; a mixture of her soap and her cologne. I remember. Tonight I am sleeping with that pink cotton which has been refreshed with that aroma of musk and vanilla. I hope to sleep well tonight....as I remember.

whatever

Sometimes I get skeptical about the direction where my life is headed.
What if I don't get to meet the one person I am supposed to meet, if there is such a thing, because I am meeting all these other people instead, who are essentially unnecessary distractions from finding something significant and precious?
How could I even recognize that one person among all these others?
But then I think to myself, well, maybe I am supposed to meet all these people for some reason.
But Most people I meet make almost no difference in my life and give me nothing of value, they just take and take and take, and I am a giver and not a taker, but maybe that's just how it's supposed to be, maybe that's just my role and duty, which I regard as an honor on better days when I'm happier than today.
But usually nobody congratulates, applauds, or hugs you for that, and you wonder if it takes away from the value of your acts of kindness to stranger and friends that you wish that someone would.
You wish that someone would kiss your hand and say thank you...and you wish that you could stroke their hair and say it's ok....I've always wanted to do this for you.