Happy Birthday Wen

They say its your birthday.....gonna have a good time

I'm now age 52 and living at my parents home...wha?? huh??
Well, I am for 'now'
The loss of my long term partnership and then my sister dying has brought me home to where I am. But, I'm OK with being back in So Cal because of the wonderful friends and the family that I have left are here.

Well, all but my biological father. Did I mention that this asshole who I've bent over backwards to reach out to since Karla died hasn't emailed me, called me, of sent me a card or letter? Yes. Such a fucking prick. He's incapable of showing love or responding in a human manner or to suck it up with your stupid Norwegian pride and reach out to your daughter who you've fucked over since May 2, 2010.
Today I was excited (for some odd reason) to got the mail. I thought for sure after all my attempts I would get a card from him. Nope.
FUCK YOU ROBERT AMUNDSON. I am not your daughter any longer. I don't give a shit if you are an old man. Not too old to call my last living sibling. Not too old to care about her, her husband and her family. Me? My family? They are DEAD to you. You fucking go on cruises, out to eat, visit friends, go shopping, do yard work, have parties....you are not too old to fucking type two lines in an email, at the least. And, you are not too old to put a stamp on a purchased card, even if you only sign it: Love Dad. Are you too old to realize what you've done to this daughter who is still alive? Who you screwed over as a child, then a teen and into adult hood?
Is WenDee ever gonna give up or give it a rest - knowing what she had in her biological parents - and the fact that it was what it was?

I don't think so. My mother made a ton of mistakes, but she owned up to them. She asked for forgiveness. She reached to me in countless ways to encourage me, to love me, to accept me, to show me that she was only human but took responsibility for her mistakes as a mother. This is called forgiveness.

I will push on, I have no choice and I cannot let him continue to push me down in my life. Look, age 52 and still concerned about her "Daddy" and how he feels about her? I am DONE. I am walking away from HIM.


*update 3:00 PM*

So, he called me. "got your birthday card today, sorry i didn't get yours in the mail yet. i'll mail it tomorrow. i didn't have your mothers address. i've been busy with this friend, and doing that with my wife, and gee, um, so look for my card in the mail soon. ok, don't want to use up your cell phone minutes so i'll say goodbye. bye."

click

what the fuck ever. please, don't bother. i really don't want a birthday card 5 days late and only sent because of some guilt factor you had because i happen to have sent you an early birthday card. gee. wonder if you hadn't gotten my birthday card until sept 30th when it was your birthday. would you have called me then? would you have 'forgotten' to have sent out a card? would you have pretended to have cared?
no
no
no

I am walking away from that which has caused me pain
I need to separate myself with those who have done me wrong
I have forgiven, I cannot forget, and the hurt is reopened every time I give it my attention in my mind
People can be fucking mean and cruel.
People are hurting and they hurt others, but I have the choice to not be in their hurting path

I can't do this alone, I am well aware.

Today its my birthday ... I have the next year to accomplish much. To those who have done me wrong, watch out. Karma is a fucking bitch and so am I.

From Oregon to So California - The first 2 weeks

Driving away from Oregon was harder than I thought it would be. I mean, I knew I'd have some deep emotions, however I was genuinely sad and depressed for the first few hours of my drive. I really never in my wildest imagination thought I'd be moving away from Oregon - certainly never alone at least. But, I was and as I got closer to the border, I realized that nothing mattered as far as the reason I was leaving but what mattered is what lies ahead for me.

I realized that what is in my future, what is in store for me,

is an adventure that will be embraced and not just allowed to 'happen' as I have been doing with living my life since last January. I new zest for living and for being the best WenDee I could be to all those that I meet from here on. New things are coming my way! 

When I drove up to my mothers house, there was my sister Paula, her husband Henry, my sons Evan and Jason along with daughter in law Jennifer and grand baby Jordynn and my Mom - all with big smiles and a large welcome home sign strewn on the garage! I was smiling from ear to ear. Here they were, arms wide open, ready to love and to laugh with me again. Back Home. 

I now have a responsibility to take care of my mother and my California Dad, Wes, who I refer to as 'Dad'. He is now 92 and extremely frail. My mother at 82 can't do this alone. She does not drive and she has been trying to do it all alone since my sister Karla died. Its exhausting to care for your loved one. Also, I see my mothers eyes with the realization that her life is also coming to a halt. No more weekend get away's with her husband, no more out to dinners to dine for two, no more walks in the sunshine or on a rainy day, nothing more than to enjoy each others company at the kitchen table during those times Dad is feeling up to sitting in the chair. She shows him so much love and gentle caring. Truly, it is an honor to watch my mother providing what she can to help Dad keep his dignity and to be there for him in whatever capacity she can.

My room at Moms is a one room studio :) I have most of my things in storage, a few things in moms garage, and then what I thought I'd need for 2 months in bags that are tucked away in my little room. So far, so good. 

I've been able to be of some help, and I am assessing what will need to be done once I move out (that won't be until Oct 23rd). For the first few days I laid low and visited mostly, as well as drove around Lancaster to see what has changed. Also, have enjoyed just dropping in on my grand daughter that is only 1 mile away from Mom's house! 

My sister Paula lives only 1 hour away in Simi Valley so I plan on being with her often! Thursday after I got here I drove to her place and stayed overnight. I brought Dexter too as she was so welcoming to let me bring my baby. Its sort of tough being homeless with a small dog in this 100 degree plus heat! I can't keep him in the car, even for 5 minute run into the store stops. So, I'm limited with what I can do and when. Mom and Dad have been amazing and gracious while I'm here to let Dex hang out at the house. Mom has NEVER EVER had an animal inside her house other than birds in a cage. Dexter has been a perfect little dog, no barking, no accidents (knock wood!) and no running around. Its almost as if he knows that these are elderly people that he has to be gentle and quiet around, not to mention to get out of the way when Wes is trying to walk. Here is Dexter's place on my little twin bed: 

Staying overnight at my sisters, allowed me to be there Friday when Evan had the day off. We had the best day visiting his NAVAL Base at Pt Mugu. He showed me all around where he goes for training, the NEX, the aircraft he would be going out on the next day and the beach off the base. We walked into the water, it was so refreshing! Not as cold as the Oregon coast, and so pretty. Dexter loved running on the sand and Evan and I enjoyed our walk and taking pictures. I really cannot convey how happy I am when I'm with either of my sons. The joy I feel from the top of my  head to the bottom of my feet is indescribable! This was a very GOOD day :)

   

The next Day Evan had to report to drill. I enjoyed being able to see him all dressed up in his aircrew uniform. This was the first time he was going to be on the aircraft to practice take offs and landings. I'm so proud of my kids! They are good, decent and honorable human beings. Yesterday, Evan found out from his base that budget was approved and he'll be off to Texas for 2 weeks of additional training. He is trying to get into active, but the NAVY moves so slowly and its all up to the budget. The government continues to push/pull and he does not have an answer yet. However, with this school approval it is looking better and better for him to be active by January. This is his wish. 

I found an apartment finally! I have been looking all over and for one reason or another it didn't work out. Some of them said no pets, some were too 'big', some were too far away. But this one seems to be a great match. The apartment won't be available until Oct 23, but its a great unit so close to shopping, dining and everything. The apartment complex love pets, the parking is close to the door, I can have my windows open at night without people walking past, and its 6 3/4 miles from mom and dads. This means, if needed in an emergency I can be at Moms within 12 to 15 minutes. My plan is to be with mom and dad every day from 9 or 10 AM to 5 or 6 PM. This will allow me to shuttle mom around, help mom with chores, help mom with Dad should he fall or need it, take them both to Dr. appointments, and just generally keep them company. I plan on working an arrangement out with my sister to come be with mom every other Saturday and my nephew to take one Saturday and my son Jason to take one Saturday. This way I will have my Saturdays to myself to do what is needed. Sundays I will be on call unless I'm out of town. I I am, I will have someone come and check on them a couple times during the day. I am still waiting for final approval of this place, but I really don't have a doubt I'll get approved. 

Here is the front door with the little patio to the right (love the blue!)

I signed up tax preparation classes with Jackson Hewit! I've worked at tax office for 10 years, running the front office, and not really preparing taxes with clients. I figured this will 1. Get me out of the house Tuesday and Thursday evenings for 12 weeks and 2. Give me something to fall back on for work in January. Janyce and I signed up together!!! I'm so excited to get out and be with Jan twice a week. I love my bff Jan and this will be just as good for her to get out of the house too. Jan and I have been friends since 1983 and we both have a grand daughter :) I begin class this Tuesday - on my birthday - so I am starting to study! I'm excited to be learning something that I think I will be very comfortable doing. 

Well, this is my 2 week wrap up with me living in So Cal! 

Plans for the next 2 weeks:
Make breakfast burritos for all the kids tomorrow at Jason's

Begin school

Get confirmation for unemployment insurance and for the apartment

Travel to see another bff Jill and her wife Maryn in San Leandro Oct 5th

Will check in soon and please leave a comment if you'd like. 

I thought I had

I'll never ever understand what happened