A Father wishes to express his feelings to his daughter, so he says these words:
Happy Birthday to a forgettable daughter.
Yeah, a real Hallmark moment isn't it. I don't know why these words continue to haunt me even these many days later. But, it does.
We are on my birthday adventure and I'm truly enjoying the freedom of it, the sights we are seeing, the love of my life at my side wanting only to please me and make sure I'm happy and content. And yet last night my dreams consisted of nightmares about my Father. I ask Heather this morning why do I keep doing this? Its not like I'm mourning the loss of something I once had. She said to me, "You are mourning the loss of something special you never had". True words. The daddy's little girl wish that was never to be.
Upward and onward. I will be finding a therapist this week. I must get past this and I need some further direction on how to do this. It's not like I can go to a convent and search for inner peace or climb the highest mountain to find solitude and cry out until I am no longer hurting. No, I have to work, keep being a mom, wash dishes, cook meal, sew buttons on shirts, pick up dog messes and live my life in the city with all that goes with it. God is with me. God desires for me to be whole. God will guide me to where I need to go.
Here is a toast to upcoming nights with dreams of only puppy dog kisses, baby giggles, white fluffy clouds....ok, you are right. Those aren't the kind of dreams I crave :) However, I am hoping that the sad dreams will end for me. I have way too much happiness in my awake life to let this take over my thoughts.
