It's been one year Karla, I miss you.

One year ago tonight was the last time I heard your voice. Was the last time I said I love you and heard you say “I love you too my sister”. I made the phone call very excited as I had gotten my new kindle fire in the mail, something you begged me to get! You loved yours and even offered to buy me one. On this last phone call we made plans to go over our new tablets so you could show me all the favorite things you had found. I was due to fly to Burbank that Saturday. Your voice sounded obviously like you were so tired. You even said I’m just so sleepy. I told you go to sleep and I’ll see you in 3 days. I got the call when I was driving home the next afternoon. My life, again, crumbled in that drivers’ seat begging Paula to tell me no, it’s not true. At home I crumbled into a ball, realizing that one of the most important persons in my life is gone. It’s been a year.

You were 14 months older than me, but we were reared as if we were twins. Even to our sister Paula and our brother Brad, we were referred to as the girls….Poor Paula! We’d play for hours hide and go seek using the large mural on our living room wall. We napped together, shared a bed up until I was 13/you 14 when Paula got married and moved out. That is when you got “the front room” which was the honored room belonging to the oldest, the next in line. However, in this room we shared many nights playing crazy 8 and gin rummy on the floor. 

We’d smoke our cigarettes and light our candles nestled in old wine bottles, listening to all of your music: Carole King, Bread, Cat Stevens, James Taylor and other fabulous singers of the day. I never could remember a lyric, no matter how often I heard the song. You only needed to listen to it from beginning to end twice before singing the entire song by memory. I played the guitar – puff the magic dragon, if I had a hammer, moon shadow and other simple songs. Your singing in harmony was like a sweet bird, singing in wonder and grace. I loved watching you sing and loved playing the songs that made you happy. We stayed in that room for our security, and sadly our safety. We’d escape from the one who hurt us; this locked room was our escape. I remember the day we fought back, and he didn’t hurt us again after that. We scared the crap outta him and you and I locked eyes, and we laughed and we KNEW we had won that war!
I think we just always knew we had each-others back, that no matter what we had a connection like none other.

 

You had long flowing blond locks, I had shorter wavy brown hair.
My doll was Raggedy Andy, you of course had Ann. 

Mom dressed you in pink and red, I was adorned with blue and green.
When we played ‘office’ you were the pretty secretary, I was the mean boss (LOL!)
When we played with Barbie’s you insisted on having the only Barbie doll and her sister skipper, while I happily took the Mary Poppins doll and cleaned the house.
Once summer came, we were in the pool from May to September. Mom even served us food by the poolside so we didn’t have to get out and come inside! Our bodies tan, mine pretty much rolly polly, but not you. We played mermaids, but you always wanted mermen to come visit. I never understood that, ha-ha! Speaking of tanning and the pool – you and Paula as you got older would coat your skin with tanning oil and lay out by the pool sunbathing. I thought how stupid and boring! I didn’t “get” that you were trying to get that California golden tan to entice the boys. No…I didn’t really ever get that part. No wonder, I turned out a Lesbian : )  

We were inseparable, until the year I remained in elementary school and you went on to middle school. Oh, that was a tough year because I was 11 and was the little annoying baby sister according to your new buddies. I missed my best friend. You were growing up, while I was still a child (me, the late bloomer for sure!) You had boyfriends, smoked cigarettes, and started wearing makeup. I was playing with my new Malibu Barbie, watching game shows on TV and riding my bike with the attached basket to school. We were different, and yet you were still my best friend.

When you got your first job at 7 kitchens at the mall I was so proud of you! I would take the bus to visit you and sit at the tables and want to take your breaks with you. In fact, I was around so much that the following year when I was old enough they hired me! Did I ever tell you how incredibly happy I was that year? How being Karla’s little sister was a HUGE wonderful thing for me because everyone there loved you so much? It was like I was related to the star! That is, until they fired me because after too many warnings where I had been telling the customers how to buy things cheaper, I was let go. I didn’t take it personally; in fact I kept visiting you – until you’d tell me to leave!

During that year some serious things happened…medical issues that I was sworn to secrecy to keep just between you and me. Boyfriend issues that you would confide in me, only me, and I would listen and cry with you over. Our father who had left and never came around to be with us. We knew we didn’t do anything wrong and yet; we shared the common feeling of  abandonment that was natural to feel at that time. Both of us mourning and remembering the life of our brother who had died a few years earlier and who we missed so badly. We knew if Brad was here, Mom would be happy and Dad might not have left and maybe we could have been a “normal” Family. Maybe…just maybe…but we had each other. You ALWAYS had me to come to and even though you felt you had to distance yourself from me, I knew you would there and would care when I needed your help, no matter what was going on in your life.

I finally caught on to the dating thing and we would double date, all the time. Remember those two boys who lived in Beverly Hills? I do not remember the older boys name – the one who drove – but the brother who sat in the back seat with me was named Ricky Nelson! Yes, I was “dating” Ricky Nelson at age 14 and I had NO CLUE what that meant. Then you dated Scott. Scott’s friend Roger (what a sweet guy he was!) Scott’s friend Dave (he was a wise guy) Scott’s friend Jim (how handsome he was!). Yeah….Scott loved you so…but his friends…I wasn’t all that in to J I’m so glad you and Gary married, he was so cool and was a wonderful brother in law. 

Standing up as your maid of honor at your wedding was one of my proudest moments up to that time. You choose me – out of all your friends – ME to be there for you! I’ll never ever forget seeing how beautiful you were that day. Like a genuine angel. 

Your first baby came and was adored as if he were a little prince. Then, surprisingly you were expecting your 2^nd at the very same time I was expecting my first! Oh, what joy we’d have as we compared our growing bellies with our little miracles inside. We again were sharing something so special, just as we always had. However…..there was a change coming on that was very perplexing. I didn’t understand for many years the true magnitude of your being Bi-Polar. I thought you were just a very sensitive person, who had shifts of moods that would come on like a monsoon. You would cry and cry and be so sad, and then you’d be incredibly mad over anything, only to follow those extreme highs of laughter and singing and wanting to create. 

My gawd, how you could create! Your talent was never EVER appreciated as it should have been. Your voice was as good as any solid gold winner, your artwork was fun and flowing and lifelike. You wrote some of the most beautiful poems and stories – sadly they were destroyed after you passed away for some reason L You cooked masterpieces, and baked such delights; you’d decorate the house with your amazing style and make homemade gifts that were Macy store quality! You could photograph anything and make it look alive in a still shot. Karla, I wish you knew how talented you were. I do not think you ever appreciated your skills. I sure wish I had told you more often, you deserved to feel more special than I’m afraid you ever felt.

Your illness caused a great distance between us, mostly because neither one of us understood what was going on. There was no internet to search, no Google or Yahoo to look up your symptoms. Ask.com wasn’t around and webmd wasn’t even a thought. We just tried to not have things be frustrating for you and there were a lot of sorrys’ said between all of the family. All in all we made it work. We learned how to cope during those ‘down’ times and we embraced the ‘up’ times! I am sure those last few years were your hardest, since your sweet son died at age 19 in that flood. I’m so incredibly sorry I wasn’t here more for you. I missed you K. I wanted to be here more often. I tried…I tried to fly down for most all the family gatherings. Karla, please know that I KNEW you were totally there for me when things happened in Oregon. Then coming down at Christmas and getting the flu, again you reached out and I felt and knew your love. Even though I had a temperature and could have exposed everyone to my illness, you insisted that I be there (and yes, a lot of the family did get sick after I left!) But you made everyone see that being together as a family was more important.

  

Thank you. Thank you for being a wonderful sister. Thank you for giving me a best friend. Thank you for showing me how to be more compassionate to those in need from a mental condition. Thank you for loving me no matter what – even through our differences.

I know that when I get to where you are, you will be smiling and welcoming me to the garden of heaven. With you, Alex, our brother Brad and Grandpa with that silly grin, waiting and laughing and full of Peace. Until then, I will look up to the sky looking for those puffy clouds that look like smiles, the pretty yellow butterflies that visit and feel you near me.

My dear sister, Karla Jean Levin, You are Loved, You are Missed.

Love Wendy, your little sister

Words

Words can be haunting. Words can be uplifting. Words can be misunderstood. Words can be used to to hurt someone. Words can be funny. Words can be the last thing heard before someone dies - whether they are ill, accidentally die or choose to take their life.
I've never understood how people can use words to be hurtful. Why? Why must the standard be lowered to that point? There are many who are not affected at the level that I am. I've been told I'm hypersensitive, that I'm passionate, and that I'm incredibly perceptive to the truth and others actions which is sometimes a curse. All I know is I hope and pray that my words only uplift and encourage. I will pray daily to ask that I not using biting or sorrowful words. For the last 30 hours I've been obsessing over something that was said to me. It cut and hurt deeply. At night the pain of how that felt almost overcame me. However, this morning I awoke with the sense that there must have been a reason this hurt so deep and that is what I have to face. So, I embark on new discovery of character evaluation and the bigger picture. The reasons behind the afflicting words. The course that is before me to tackle and release that bitter and sour taste left in my mouth.
I am enough.
I am strong.
I am a child of God.
I am a wonderful person.
I will not return insults.
I am Me.