in pain .. missing so much

her voice
her smile
her hair
her shoulders
her laugh
her love
her trust
her ideas
her singing
her walk
her sleeping sounds
her hand in mine
her head resting on my shoulder
her kisses
her hugs
her life

every time i see her, my heart beats faster. my eyes mist. my mouth drops. my arms want to reach out and hold my love. but i can't. i'm stuck in a place that is in between. i am trying to protect myself from these feelings but there is nothing that can replace what i feel. if i do not see her, i miss her more. if i see her, i miss her more. i think of our good times and i tear up. my mind will not let me let her go. she hasn't set me free from the thoughts that one day we might be together again so i hold onto that thought every single day as i try to advance in my new life. i realize that she has lost her in love feeling and that is a hard pill to swallow. i'm not a first thought. i'm not a second, third or fourth thought. i fall way back in line now. i'm not a fool to think she doesn't love me. you can't have 13 1/2 amazing years then just stop. like you fell off a cliff or something. or can you? maybe. i do not know for i do not get the privileged to know my angels inner thoughts and feelings. those are not mine to have now. the next step is beginning this week with her and the kids moving into my apartment complex, in another unit, 3 buildings away. she wanted space. she wants me to not insinuate myself onto her and the decisions she's making. she wants me to not check up on her. she asks that i stay out of her business. to not step on her toes. she has lost trust in me and i am afraid these things that she says has now shielded her mind from all the good, all the happy, all the positive that we once shared. you see, i don't have this. i want her to come with me to the movies. i want her to eat dinner with me that i've prepared. i want to lay next to her and smell her perfume. i want my feet to touch her toes in bed. i want to wish her good morning as well as goodnight as i see her beautiful sparkly blue eyes. i want to laugh, to love, to live with my sweet dreamer. i didn't change my mind. she did. how do i set my own boundaries? how do i protect my heart? how do i live in this beautiful state of oregon which was my happy place and not have my love to share it with? how do i get past nightmare? its november all over again, every day. its january 21st all over again, every day. i fear this torture will never end...my torture that i alone live...every day of my life. oh god, please help me

Click

something clicked today. not sure if it was the headache that is constant due to the never ending tears, but i now have clicked into a different gear with hopes that my headache will eventually lift and my heart will become lighter. my understanding is certainly not others understanding, nor theirs to me. all my life i just wanted to be wanted. the desperate measures i'd go through to get that. the taking my first cigarette just so i would fit in. losing my virginity because my friends had and i would be accepted if i were to have sex with the popular boy. finding and doing drugs and become addicted, only because that is what everyone expected me to do. getting married to have children, expectation - or so i thought. being a good wife, a good christian would surely bring me admiration. team mom and den mother, id be liked and looked up to. working long extra hours, not calling in sick, that had to get me high scores, right? well this method continued into my relationship with wanting to help, to love, to serve, to cherish, to nurture and to build up. and where has it gotten me. to be deserted on, to be tossed aside - my time was up. i had 13 amazing, loving, fun and bright years with the 'woman of my dreams'. until i failed. somewhere along the line i let my guard down and didn't realize that i was fucking up. however, now i realize that it really wasn't me fucking up. i was just trying to survive, in my way, through some tough things. it was too much. instead of being loved more, helped more, encouraged more, spoken to more...well, that rug. so anyway, here i am back to the clicking.
i deserve much. i am a wonderful person who isn't perfect. i have so much to give and hopefully will find a way to give again to one who will smile at my failures and help me with open honest communication in a loving way. i must love myself now. i must hold my head up high and not allow myself to continually bruise and batter. i know me and i know this is not going to be easy, nor will it be quick. i've always had a trust issue so there is a lot of work to do. however, i need to declare this as day #1 in finding i have my feet on the ground and i will begin to walk again. ups and downs. praying for more ups to come. going to work on finding the ups in more things. busy work for sure. however i have little over 5 months to do this. check with me August 1st, ok?!

Friends

I love my friends! I want to push on from this day forward to be a good friend. I have a lot to give and a lot of laughs to share with others and I can cook for my friends and play games with my friends and love my friends as a friend should do!

From This Day Forward! You are my Friend and I love you <3

I want, I need, I crave this being said to me......

.....because that is what I think when I think of you.

tonight i folded her clothes from the dryer and put them away.
i'm afraid this is the last time i get to do this.
tonight i cried out my hurt asking why because i still do not understand.
i'm afraid i'll never get a reason that makes sense.
tonight i walked the rooms of this house we shared looking at the walls.
i'm afraid they also are staring at me with questions.
tonight i just want to feel right, or normal, or loved, or wanted.
i'm afraid that will never happen again.

tonight i wanted to run home. i wanted my mom to hold me and let me cry on her shoulder. i don't know how i can continue to cry - seems there should be no tears left to fall

i can't do the alone thing. i'm not meant to be alone. i don't want to be alone. i need my partner. i need to feel safe again. i do not feel safe. i feel as if i was thrown out with the recycling, to be used again by someone who will make promises that won't be kept. how will i ever trust again.

i'm afraid i will disappear from the world without the love that was once so brilliant and alive.

i'm afraid.

Almost Ready - Almost There - Almost Completely Alone

Well, I have the apartment.
I've been moving things in since Jan 29th when I drove the U Haul to my new 'dwelling'. I refuse to call it home. It is where I will hang my hat, lay my head down at night, and store my belongings.
I can't imagine it ever feeling like home.
However, I will push on. I will do the best I can. I'm going to allow myself this journey to try to be peaceful and still, because I can't plan anything right now.
I have to rely on my own skills, my own fears to be faced and try to vision life anew.
I moved to Oregon, I thought, to live out my dream.
To be with my sweet vision, my angel, my love of my life.
However, something came along and for whatever reason - I still really do not know - its ended. Poof. Gone.
There is nothing planned now.
No dreams.
No goals.
No longer do I awake with the anticipation that my day will be filled with happiness and laughs with lots of love.
Instead I continue to find myself crying myself to sleep and awaking with a heaviness on my heart.
The day moves along and I seem to function well enough, but then night returns.
The black.
The quiet.
I return to my bed and lap top.
The sad comes and I am alone again.
I am only waiting.
Wasting time from one moment to the next.
Nothing really special in between.
Just being alive.
It really sucks sometimes, this shit they call life.

its called rejection wendee, get used to it.
its called being lonely wendee, get used to it.
its called unhappiness wendee, get used to it.
its called empty wendee, get used to it.

people are funny. they say give it time. sing a song.
make the choice to be happy. go out. do this do that.

what they fail to realize is, without what was once had
there is nothing left. the rug still sits crumbled on the floor.
the legs still cannot hold me up. i fear this lump they call a person
will stay heaped in a spot until i fade to nothing.

there is nothing. only holes. only brokenness.

wendee no longer is wendee. instead a fake of the wendee
that once smiled. once laughed. once walked tall with knowing she was
secure with hope and dreams and love. pure love. once held when she was unhappy.
once told that she would always be safe and sercure. once she was told that wendees heart was her home. now the home is vacant. bare walls. no perfume. no sparkly eyes.
no embrace.

this wendee is not that person. this wendee is hurt and and sad and rejected.

a kiss on the head like a dog whimpering for attention.

get used to it wendee - this is now your life