Well, I have the apartment.
I've been moving things in since Jan 29th when I drove the U Haul to my new 'dwelling'. I refuse to call it home. It is where I will hang my hat, lay my head down at night, and store my belongings.
I can't imagine it ever feeling like home.
However, I will push on. I will do the best I can. I'm going to allow myself this journey to try to be peaceful and still, because I can't plan anything right now.
I have to rely on my own skills, my own fears to be faced and try to vision life anew.
I moved to Oregon, I thought, to live out my dream.
To be with my sweet vision, my angel, my love of my life.
However, something came along and for whatever reason - I still really do not know - its ended. Poof. Gone.
There is nothing planned now.
No dreams.
No goals.
No longer do I awake with the anticipation that my day will be filled with happiness and laughs with lots of love.
Instead I continue to find myself crying myself to sleep and awaking with a heaviness on my heart.
The day moves along and I seem to function well enough, but then night returns.
The black.
The quiet.
I return to my bed and lap top.
The sad comes and I am alone again.
I am only waiting.
Wasting time from one moment to the next.
Nothing really special in between.
Just being alive.
It really sucks sometimes, this shit they call life.
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