Click

something clicked today. not sure if it was the headache that is constant due to the never ending tears, but i now have clicked into a different gear with hopes that my headache will eventually lift and my heart will become lighter. my understanding is certainly not others understanding, nor theirs to me. all my life i just wanted to be wanted. the desperate measures i'd go through to get that. the taking my first cigarette just so i would fit in. losing my virginity because my friends had and i would be accepted if i were to have sex with the popular boy. finding and doing drugs and become addicted, only because that is what everyone expected me to do. getting married to have children, expectation - or so i thought. being a good wife, a good christian would surely bring me admiration. team mom and den mother, id be liked and looked up to. working long extra hours, not calling in sick, that had to get me high scores, right? well this method continued into my relationship with wanting to help, to love, to serve, to cherish, to nurture and to build up. and where has it gotten me. to be deserted on, to be tossed aside - my time was up. i had 13 amazing, loving, fun and bright years with the 'woman of my dreams'. until i failed. somewhere along the line i let my guard down and didn't realize that i was fucking up. however, now i realize that it really wasn't me fucking up. i was just trying to survive, in my way, through some tough things. it was too much. instead of being loved more, helped more, encouraged more, spoken to more...well, that rug. so anyway, here i am back to the clicking.
i deserve much. i am a wonderful person who isn't perfect. i have so much to give and hopefully will find a way to give again to one who will smile at my failures and help me with open honest communication in a loving way. i must love myself now. i must hold my head up high and not allow myself to continually bruise and batter. i know me and i know this is not going to be easy, nor will it be quick. i've always had a trust issue so there is a lot of work to do. however, i need to declare this as day #1 in finding i have my feet on the ground and i will begin to walk again. ups and downs. praying for more ups to come. going to work on finding the ups in more things. busy work for sure. however i have little over 5 months to do this. check with me August 1st, ok?!