somewhere I lost it

i feel like i've totally lost. if i have, i can't imagine what i'd do. i have lived the last few years of my life so completely and totally in love with my heather. now, i am not enough. i knew this was happening. i did something very stupid so i gave more ammunition to what was already a fire that i did not know had started. how dumb could i have been? how many years must i live with thinking i deserved something wonderful. what a pity. i'm totally empty today. i lost.

Tipping the Scales

Last night I stepped too far to the left. I was hurt. I was lonely. I was confused. I was feeling once again that I failed, always a failure. I am upset about BT. I think there is much more there and have asked repeatedly why? and to have an honest answer. I don't think I am getting that because I think they want to protect so much that all will not be given to me. Independence. Wanting sense of self. The world feels cold now. The grey skies that I love so much now feel like heavy anvils waiting to fall upon my head. I am expected to find me. I am expected to like/love me. I am asked to be kind to myself. My mind sees only the visions that was witnessed in disgust. I cannot trust right now. I am more lost at this moment than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel my soul hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. I do not know how to do this. Maybe tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light. But not tonight. Tonight its dark and ugly and smelly and flesh dripping in vile vomit.

sometimes

I have this gift. People laugh because they don't understand. I rarely tell people about this gift because sometimes they mock me, push me, test me, or simply dismiss me. However, I have a gift of knowing people. It's like they are exposed before me of what is in their heart - what they are thinking of, what they are hiding from. Most of the time I feel sorry for them because they are just being dishonest with themselves trying to run. Its the people that I am the closest to that I read so well, yet they try so hard to 'prove me wrong'. I know what I know, but the more I push the more they tell me how very wrong I am.
Its always comes back that I was right.
Always.
Sometimes I just wish I didn't have this gift so I could learn to trust more. So I could believe in fantasy or miracles or just the unknown and how it might all work out. However, its not the case.
I also wish that this gift could be used on myself in regard to things happening around me. Oh, its not the people. As I've said I already have them figured out even if they will not admit that I am/was right. Its about things happening to me.
My job.
My health.
My life in general.
Found out I have either a cyst or tumor on my left ovary. This is why I've had pain for the last month or so. However, during an internal ultrasound I found out I have something going on in my uterus. Could be fibroid cysts or tumor that just need to be removed. Could be a thick lining that needs a D&C. Could be cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. cancer. Could be cancer. wow. I just typed the word cancer and it feels weird to type that word. it's like a final word. cancer. hmm. I was in the ER, than admitted into the hospital. Then came home. And I was supposed to forget all about what I just went through. Forget my own pain. Forget my own insecurities. Forget it all.
I will call the Dr. tomorrow, the GYN, to set up an appointment. According to the ER Doc, this needs to be done ASAP. I guess they want to do a endrometrial biopsy. yuck. it hurts like hell. I had one once. I felt like I was being raped then had an abortion all at the same time. It feels like a total violation. And, so, here is the first day of the journey. What road is this going to be? cancer? who knows. sometimes it is. sometimes it isn't. we'll see soon enough.

11 days since the last time I wrote

Let me try to catch you up.
November 13 I was in a dark place. My dark place gets smaller and smaller some days. I'm not sure why it even exists because I am so ridiculously thankful for the many wonderful and amazing things in my life. However, it does remain that place - over there - in the corner. Waiting behind the black door with 3 hinges. There are no windows in that small room because there is no need to see out and certainly I do not wish for any to peer inside when I visit this room. So, sometimes I visit that place but I always end up emerging...and I gain strength. Until, the next time!

I'm going to put some bullet points up here to try, again, to get everyone up to speed :)

• My grand daughter Jordynn is so ridiculously adorable! She is the most precious thing in the world! Jason and Jennifer are enjoying being parents and love their little girl so very much. They have just moved down south, back to Southern California, to where they have found a rental house (a huge one!) which is 7 minutes from Jennifer's moms (Karin) and 7 minutes to my mom!! Jennifer's brother Kenny is living with them and there is a steady guest room (my room!) that I plan on using, a lot!
  
• Jason got a job working in home health care with the Antelope Valley Hospital. He will start soon and after a few weeks of training will be visiting patients to care for. I'm pretty sure most of them will be post surgery patients that need wound checks, etc.
• Jennifer got a job as a supervisor in a medical office - I think! I don't have the particulars yet, but I know she is thrilled. Jordynn will be in day care, but its the day care her best friend used for both her babies so it can be trusted.
• Evan is doing wonderful living in Corvallis OR with his girlfriend who attends college there. While still going to monthly NAVY drills in Springfield OR, he also took on a resale job at K Mart to get his bills paid. He continues to hope to find a M-F job, preferably paying a lot more than he's getting now! He is happy, is strong, so handsome and I love this guy to PIECES!
• Today is Thanksgiving but I am working. I will be cooking my turkey and famous dressing on Saturday, as usual. Evan will be coming over after work and Johna will be joining us. Chris will not be with us and Ashley has to work so it will not be a large gathering. I plan on preparing some food Friday night, doing some cleaning, and then up early to roast the bird and work on the side dishes.
  
• Ashley is working her heart out at Macy's. They love her there and she loves it there but quite honestly, they have taken full advantage of her sweetness and do not give her more than 20 hrs a week and have never given her a pay increase :( She is also going to school and loving her french and ballroom dance classes. She takes a couple other serious classes and does so well! Chris, well not so much. He is having a difficult time. He of course has been brain washed and mind manipulated by his father so it is hard for him to know about reality. He failed a couple classes, has not taken work seriously enough, and got a speeding ticket that he totally ignored (and didn't tell his mom or I about it, we had to find the ticket in his room!) Right now we just pray that the hard lessons we are trying to teach him will bring him good and that he will remember how much we care but we will not let him continue to try to BS with us and around the house. I had to pretty much kick Chris out after the stunt and I hope Chris will learn that I am not going to allow him to stay in a house with his bending of the rules, showing disrespect and lying to all of us. He has a younger brother to show an example of and he is now 19. Grow up dear or leave and grow up then come talk to us. I just hope Heather knows its about helping him, not to hurt him! Jonny, well he is doing OK! He just turned 17 and got his ears pierced. He will not make school his #1 priority as he should and has not found a job. He is not going to take up sports right now and, well..he enjoys being with his friends and "hanging out". I love it when I ask what did you do? "we hung out". I know exactly what that means! We smoked cigarettes and talked about girls.Yeah, I did that too, haha!
  
• Heather is amazing. She is my continued rescue ship, my partner, my audience, my ring leader, my strength and my life! I never in a million years could have asked for a better 1/2 than she is.
  

MY DREAM:

To get married legally so the federal government will recognize us as equal to all other couples in America that marry for the same reasons. Heather says she could give a shit about the feds. I say, no way! Its not fair and I am going to fight for this right.

(update added 12/08/2011)
I realize I don't care any longer about waiting for the feds to approve my marriage. I still want that, very much so! However, life is too short. You have to find the happiness that is within reach for the here and now. What is here now is my love for Heather and how a wedding with all that I dream of will become the reality! When the feds say ok, then we will slip off to the court house. But, I do not wanna wait. I want the dream to come true now.

That's all for now. I'm not feeling well these last couple of days and grown tired with all this typing!

I hope you are caught up now, at least on some things. I love you - you know who you are ;)

up to no good

I feel like I am and should be invisible. I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel like I'm a phony and I don't really have anyone. I don't trust anything or anyone right now. I'm not a cutter or a druggie or even an alcoholic. But I feel I should be gone because I feel no sense of life right now. I don't know why heather loves me. I think everyone is laughing at me - except my two kids - and I feel that I don't deserve anything positive. If I were braver or had any money I'd pack my bags and head to a remote 1 room cabin where I could hide from the world to finish my life however long God wishes to let me live. I am not reaching out for help, I just believe you might understand my deep core of pain and sense of empty. I've never approved of myself so I expect none from anyone else. People laugh at my jokes. They like my upbeat words I have of my partner and kids. They are curious watchers just as they are of zoo animals, freak shows, and car accidents. Interesting for a moment, but quickly forgotten the next. I am completely empty right now as I lie in my bed shameful of all that I do and I think. I am sickened when I go over in my head how I've been a complete idiot when I've thought that someone likes Me for me or when I think flirting is appreciated. The reality side of me wants to hit my head against the wall so I can remind myself to stop making me appear such a fool and to end the illusion that I am normal when all I can see is fake

Why?

why does it happen all the time. life is going by, you are happier than you feel you could ever be. it seems as if everyone is smiling. everyone is loving. the colors in the world are bright and the birds are singing and the smell of life is everywhere.
then a brick falls from the sky. you see stars and the light dulls. your head feels like it has been divided in two and you will never be the same again. you say goodbye to life in this moment, feeling that its over. all that you had hoped for. all that you thought was real. all that i wanted so bad was a dream and it never existed. it was a foolish glimpse of how others live. i could never be worthy enough to have so much beauty for i am nothing. i am a joke.

Me - Who loves ya baby!

So, I'm trying to get back to posting. I want to go back to the last post and give 'daily' updates. It will take a minute or two, but it will be worth it! For now.....

Looking ahead, I know who I have in my life to count on - who really knows me and loves me.

To my mother, she is amazing and loving and kind and has always loved me and tried in her way to show this love through my childhood, my teens and my adult years. I know I was tough at times, but having to live through the hell we had to live through, I know you understand why. I forgive you for anything that was not meant to be done to harm me, as well as I know you have forgiven me for the times I reacted and behaved as I did.

My partner, she is my inspiration to continue to be 'better'. The 2nd half of my life has already been beyond any happiness I could have ever hoped to find. You are the happy breaths I breathe daily. My only wish is to die looking at your beautiful face with the smile that YOU placed on me that day in December <3

My children who support me, reach out to me, and love me unconditionally. My daughter in law who has shown me that blood does not a family make and has blessed me with the grandest of all grand daughters! My step children who have put up with two moms, and love me anyway! My friends - the real ones (you know wh0 you are!) - who accept me, include me, laugh with me, cry with me and never forget the "real me" and overlook the times I'm grumpy! My puppies who love me unconditionally and keep me warm and always smiling! My job, even though I might not always 'love' it, I am thankful for it and for those who are with me there and who appreciate what I am there to do for them and the company. To my sweet niece (and grand niece!) and adorable nephews, you are more dear to me than you'll ever know :)

To my sisters - I love you but you do not know me. You've failed to try to treat me fair and see my life, even though I've always tired to take into consideration the changes you have made in your lives. You've treated me with disrespect at many turns and failed to allow me to be equal. You've vented to me, you've not listened to me, and you've always expected something different from me than I am. I am truly sorry for that. However, I will never not love you for you have both brought much joy to me. I forgive you.

To my biological father - I know you never understood me and see things as one dimensional. Its OK. I forgive you for that and I hope you can look back on your life - at the age you have reached - and be content with the choices you have made. To his wife, you are a mean, uncaring, selfish, disrespectful, angry, sad and confused woman. You pretend to be one thing but are another. I think it had to do with your cultural upbringing as well as the parenting you have had. I take that into consideration and do not hate you because of it.

I am trying to love me for me. To not beat myself up because those who mattered so much to me didn't love me the way I 'wanted' the love from them. For me to become healthy, I have to LOVE MYSELF COMPLETELY and accept that I am not perfect and keep going on. I will not give up the me who I already love, and yet I will keep trying to be better in the areas I am sure can improve!

Thank you