Tipping the Scales

Last night I stepped too far to the left. I was hurt. I was lonely. I was confused. I was feeling once again that I failed, always a failure. I am upset about BT. I think there is much more there and have asked repeatedly why? and to have an honest answer. I don't think I am getting that because I think they want to protect so much that all will not be given to me. Independence. Wanting sense of self. The world feels cold now. The grey skies that I love so much now feel like heavy anvils waiting to fall upon my head. I am expected to find me. I am expected to like/love me. I am asked to be kind to myself. My mind sees only the visions that was witnessed in disgust. I cannot trust right now. I am more lost at this moment than I think I've ever been in my life. I feel my soul hanging on by the edge of my finger tips. I do not know how to do this. Maybe tomorrow there will be a glimmer of light. But not tonight. Tonight its dark and ugly and smelly and flesh dripping in vile vomit.