Always

The arguing the friction the insecurities you have, how do you live with yourself knowing your words are not nice and cause hurt? Why do I keep trying? When will I realize that our differences could be just too much? You hold onto grudges as if it were a gold nugget. Tightly in your hand you release when your tired or had too much to drink or if, God forbid, I mentioned someone  in your family. I think after tonight my “dingdingding’ went off, I’m a winner, because I finally get it. No matter what I buy especially for you or a vacation I plan or a compliment or any words if endearment-there will constantly be something that makes you turn and I’ll “get it”. I don’t want or need this stress anymore. There must be a way to do the right thing. How? When? I need to get stronger. After my second hip replacement this September perhaps. Why can I make so many plans about other things but this thing is so hard?!

Another holiday, another year, another time to miss you. Paula, you and I used to take momma out to 'brunch' either the Saturday before mothers day or on mothers day itself. Oh how I wish and crave your presence to be with us tomorrow. It won't be the same, it hasn't been the same each year since you left. The hole in my heart hasn't reduced, just increased with how much I miss my sister, my 'twin'. This year is sadder than other years and I don't think it will ever get better. Thank God for your nephew Jason, he's been my rock and your grand niece Jordynn is my light in this dark world I've fallen into. Please keep asking God to bring the other lights back into my life. I pray everyday and cry every night for this. Tell Him I'll do whatever He wants me to. 

I love you K