Next -

Pardon me for a moment so I can share

The thing is, on this Eve of Christmas day, I find it almost humorous that this my most favorite holiday has been awful so many years. 

I’ve loved and enjoyed being with my family for our gatherings, these are my most favorite memories! So obviously I’m not talking about these times.

And this being such a holy and joyful time for the true meaning of CHRISTmas to me also does not take a part in my rant.

And I’m grateful! Grateful for amazing friends that are caring and loving and kind. Friends that go back to Jr High school and friends that knew me as a young mom, and friends I’ve spent some of the best times of my life with and new friends and work friends and those of you that just make me feel so great! 

But a common reason why my Christmas Eves and Christmas days are less then desired will be fixed soon. Things are changing to make that happen. Im so very hopeful for these changes as 2022 begins. 

And while this happens, im going to  remind everyone that sure, there are two sides to every story. Sometimes you also may come across a hurt person  hurting, who never felt the control they desired to run their own life with what they wished for, and who tried on their own but were not heard because there were no words to speak their truth due to fear of rejection. 

This person - if you only know me a little  will know - is certainly not me. I speak, no, I shout my life openly and cry loud and love hard. I’m not ashamed of who I love or how I love and I want to be that example so no, it’s not me I refer to here. 

So looking ahead I am excited to move. Thrilled to live alone. Ecstatic to grow in some ways, but in most ways to return to the true self before it’s too late. 

I’ve not been one to live a lie after 1998, so why have I been letting this go on? 

I’m gonna post but it will probably be gone tomorrow lol

PEOPLE, just love yourself enough to be strong in doing what is best for YOU. You can still be a caring and loving person, you can be that to yourself and your family and those you have no doubt love and care about you ❤️ 

Christmas  socks on the winter California grass, winter in the desert, family love and light, and the little Christmas  tree in my bathroom that has been an annual tradition since 1992. A gift from My beautiful sister Karla and her great idea lives on for nearly 30 years 🙂 

Peace

WenDee

Good vs Evil

I have my beliefs in my God which is a father figure of heavenly host. I accept the creation of the world as being of divine nature and that the man Jesus was born and lived on Earth performing miracles and having a connection to God unlike any other man (woman). Son of God - in my mind I look at Jesus as 'of God'. There are many parts of the Bible that make no sense, but of course they wouldn't since they were not only written at an age opposite of what we live in today but also fact that this original work - or the books of the bible - were changed with evolving interpretation, language and perspective. I'm not saying that I do not believe the bible is man made up stories or nonsense, however I'm not saying I can truly believe 100% that everything written in these books are God's words, or in no way can I profess to say I have a clue as to the mind of GOD. But then again, how do we know either? It is up to each one of us to realize our truth using our intelligence and looking at our own relationship with God and our common sense? It's not something I ever want to argue with another Christian about; as many I'm most sure would say I'm not a true 'believer' in Jesus Christ. Honestly, after living my 60 years I am at a point I don't care what anyone thinks. God only knows how much I've changed my thinking over the last 25 years alone! I do have to say, as of late, there is one frequent thought that finds me pondering and crying over so very often. Does your God - does MY God - get angry with me? Is he in fact a parental figure who is disappointed in what our lives are like? What we do and say? How we treat others? Where our thoughts are at? Is there a punishment enforced on us like a child being sent to their room for time out because of disobeying? Looking at this model as a mother, I can say I've been upset with my sons. I've thought they have made bad decisions. However I've never ever thought of removing myself from their lives. I've never thought that they have done something so wrong that I wanted to punish them harshly - shattering them - wishing for them to feel pain of loss or limb or any of their senses to be crippled for the remainder of their days on earth. 

But does God do this? to me? has he?

Mom had 4 kids, and one brother. Her oldest son died in a fire. Her brother fell off a wall on a cliff in Hawaii and died. Her one daughter lost her younger son, getting trapped in a flood and died tragically. This daughter also had fought mental illness her entire life and killed herself with alcohol and prescription meds. Her oldest daughter lived a life of never feeling she could do enough to please and in 2020 the love of her life, her husband, contracted the covid19 virus as was one of the first hospitalized patients in the San Fernando Valley. Being still so unsure how to treat these 'dying' patients they worked feverishly to save his life. Put into a coma for 3 months. Rehab for another 3 months. Sent home not able to walk, talk, life his left foot, use his hands much, and scared to death what had happened and what he would now have to face. Paula of course is his biggest fan and his 24/7 caretaker. Her life also, changed forever. Her other daughter, fighting depression her entire life and enduring many eating disorders, created a life of self doubt, self loathing, and a warped sense of distain and self consciousness. This daughter giving birth to a child needing multiple heart surgeries and procedures - leaving him to  grow up into a life with anxiety and panic attacks. This daughter also was faced with losing her a 2nd son, he did so voluntarily with completely walking away from all the family. Never hearing from him or letting me meet his children, my grandchildren. Never have I after I felt their soft hair, heard them laugh or held them close. 

Did God punish all of us? Or is this just life? One would wonder, wouldn't one. 

Today after living one year not mingling with friends, or going into the office to socialize with coworkers, or go to a movie or a shopping mall, its just a sad life. 

I have no partner. I did, I had two amazing ones (despite what ANYONE would say about that) before this last one that I choose to stay with - that which exploded into crazy in July 2019. Sure we share a house but not a life. We share the responsibility of maintaining a house, but not a home. When things 'open up' what do I do? Where do I go? I'm left with the burden of caring for my mother. YES, I love my mother, but at 90 she needs much. I have no other sibling to help. I have no kids who can or will help. I must be responsible and continue to care and see to her needs as long as she is still with us. How long will that go on? Will I then be able to have a life; will I travel and see the sights I crave to go see? Can I pick up and take off or must I remain in this shithole town they call Lancaster which is rampant with homelessness of the worst kind. The additions to drugs and alcohol are extreme. The housing the most expense in all the county. The oppression rages and theft, robbery, attacks, and murder increases. 

I work, remotely. I eat, too much. I look in my past, too often. I wish, all the time. I want, so much. 

God, what exactly could I have done to piss you off so extremely? What did my mother do, her mother do? Generational curses they say. What a bitch. I want to give up, all the time. I can't. I have one little redheaded granddaughter that loves me. For her, I have to still exist. THIS, is where my life is now, existing. I wish I knew where I could find me. Me has disappeared. Can I find me again, and if so, would you have an ounce of compassion to help me because I am so lost

Days of wonder to days of empty

When you first have children they talk about the challenges of parenting....the struggles of a baby waking in the night, 

the toddler who won’t stay in their bed, the cost of childcare, injuries from sports...

Having to take off work to pick them up from school when they don’t feel well, helping them with homework, a messy house, the never ending laundry, the cost to buy school clothes, packing their lunches....

You watch their eyes light up on Christmas morning....and try to soak in the  magic of those moments. 

You coach them in sports, rushing to practices and ballgames...and tote them all over the country to let them play the game they love...no matter how exhausting or expensive it becomes. 

Life is just so busy that you rarely even  stop to think what the end of those days look like. 

In fact, it’s not really even something you can wrap your mind around. 

You go into it thinking that 18-20 years sounds like a long time....

Then suddenly hours turn into days...days into months...and months into years.

That little person that used to crawl up next to you in bed and cuddle up to watch cartoons...suddenly becomes this young adult who hugs you in the hallway as they come and go. 

And the chaos and laughter that used to echo throughout your home....gets filled with silence and solitude. 

You’ve learned how to parent a child who needs you to care for and protect them....but have no clue how the whole “letting go” thing is supposed to work.

So you hold on as tight as you can...wondering how time passed so quickly...feeling guilty that you missed something....

Because even though you had 20 years.....it just somehow doesn’t seem like it was enough.

You ask yourself so many questions...

Did you teach them the right lessons? 

Did you read them enough books as a child? 

Spend enough time playing with them? 

How many school parties did you have to miss? 

Do they really know how much you love them? 

What could I have done better as a parent? 

.....When it’s time for them to go, it all hits you like a ton of bricks.

And all you can do is pray....hope....and trust that God will protect them as they start to make their way into the world alone.

Parenting is by far the most amazing experience of your life....that at times leaves you exhilarated....while others leave you heartbroken. 

But one thing is certain.....it’s never enough time...💕

So for all the parents with young children...whose days are spent trying to figure out how to make it through the madness...

Exhausted day in and day out...

Soak. It. All. In. 

Because one day....all those crazy days full of cartoons, snuggles, sleep overs, Christmas morning magic, ballgames, practices and late night dinners...

All come to an end. 

And you’re left hoping that you did enough  right, so that when they spread their wings....

They’ll fly...💕💕💕