I have my beliefs in my God which is a father figure of heavenly host. I accept the creation of the world as being of divine nature and that the man Jesus was born and lived on Earth performing miracles and having a connection to God unlike any other man (woman). Son of God - in my mind I look at Jesus as 'of God'. There are many parts of the Bible that make no sense, but of course they wouldn't since they were not only written at an age opposite of what we live in today but also fact that this original work - or the books of the bible - were changed with evolving interpretation, language and perspective. I'm not saying that I do not believe the bible is man made up stories or nonsense, however I'm not saying I can truly believe 100% that everything written in these books are God's words, or in no way can I profess to say I have a clue as to the mind of GOD. But then again, how do we know either? It is up to each one of us to realize our truth using our intelligence and looking at our own relationship with God and our common sense? It's not something I ever want to argue with another Christian about; as many I'm most sure would say I'm not a true 'believer' in Jesus Christ. Honestly, after living my 60 years I am at a point I don't care what anyone thinks. God only knows how much I've changed my thinking over the last 25 years alone! I do have to say, as of late, there is one frequent thought that finds me pondering and crying over so very often. Does your God - does MY God - get angry with me? Is he in fact a parental figure who is disappointed in what our lives are like? What we do and say? How we treat others? Where our thoughts are at? Is there a punishment enforced on us like a child being sent to their room for time out because of disobeying? Looking at this model as a mother, I can say I've been upset with my sons. I've thought they have made bad decisions. However I've never ever thought of removing myself from their lives. I've never thought that they have done something so wrong that I wanted to punish them harshly - shattering them - wishing for them to feel pain of loss or limb or any of their senses to be crippled for the remainder of their days on earth.
But does God do this? to me? has he?
Mom had 4 kids, and one brother. Her oldest son died in a fire. Her brother fell off a wall on a cliff in Hawaii and died. Her one daughter lost her younger son, getting trapped in a flood and died tragically. This daughter also had fought mental illness her entire life and killed herself with alcohol and prescription meds. Her oldest daughter lived a life of never feeling she could do enough to please and in 2020 the love of her life, her husband, contracted the covid19 virus as was one of the first hospitalized patients in the San Fernando Valley. Being still so unsure how to treat these 'dying' patients they worked feverishly to save his life. Put into a coma for 3 months. Rehab for another 3 months. Sent home not able to walk, talk, life his left foot, use his hands much, and scared to death what had happened and what he would now have to face. Paula of course is his biggest fan and his 24/7 caretaker. Her life also, changed forever. Her other daughter, fighting depression her entire life and enduring many eating disorders, created a life of self doubt, self loathing, and a warped sense of distain and self consciousness. This daughter giving birth to a child needing multiple heart surgeries and procedures - leaving him to grow up into a life with anxiety and panic attacks. This daughter also was faced with losing her a 2nd son, he did so voluntarily with completely walking away from all the family. Never hearing from him or letting me meet his children, my grandchildren. Never have I after I felt their soft hair, heard them laugh or held them close.
Did God punish all of us? Or is this just life? One would wonder, wouldn't one.
Today after living one year not mingling with friends, or going into the office to socialize with coworkers, or go to a movie or a shopping mall, its just a sad life.
I have no partner. I did, I had two amazing ones (despite what ANYONE would say about that) before this last one that I choose to stay with - that which exploded into crazy in July 2019. Sure we share a house but not a life. We share the responsibility of maintaining a house, but not a home. When things 'open up' what do I do? Where do I go? I'm left with the burden of caring for my mother. YES, I love my mother, but at 90 she needs much. I have no other sibling to help. I have no kids who can or will help. I must be responsible and continue to care and see to her needs as long as she is still with us. How long will that go on? Will I then be able to have a life; will I travel and see the sights I crave to go see? Can I pick up and take off or must I remain in this shithole town they call Lancaster which is rampant with homelessness of the worst kind. The additions to drugs and alcohol are extreme. The housing the most expense in all the county. The oppression rages and theft, robbery, attacks, and murder increases.
I work, remotely. I eat, too much. I look in my past, too often. I wish, all the time. I want, so much.
God, what exactly could I have done to piss you off so extremely? What did my mother do, her mother do? Generational curses they say. What a bitch. I want to give up, all the time. I can't. I have one little redheaded granddaughter that loves me. For her, I have to still exist. THIS, is where my life is now, existing. I wish I knew where I could find me. Me has disappeared. Can I find me again, and if so, would you have an ounce of compassion to help me because I am so lost
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