day before the end of the year

i want this year over. along with having the best thing ever happen - getting a gorgeous grand daughter - the worst thing ever happened as well. today is hard.

i need to keep reminding myself constantly:

keep mouth shut.
don't ask a question.
don't try to make a joke.
don't ask if anything is wrong or i will get the eye roll.
remember the rules.
add a new rule.
give it time - my next cut off date is january 15th, extended from the 31st of december.
write in the blog.
read a book.
stop thinking about what you have lost.
think about what you will gain again someday.
go for a walk.
go for a drive.
watch tv.
stay away cuz you are not welcome right now.

damn it i wished i was feeling better down in so cal cuz i forgot to buy my tequilla. now i have to go to the bar and spend a fortune there on the stuff.

oh well, it will keep me busy, for a while, until it is over, then i get to go home, and go on my computer, and watch tv, and go to sleep.

my life is too exciting for words!

Anyway

when do i get to be me again? I look forward to that day.

when is the way i talk or ask a question get to be accepted as its just me, being me? I will keep trying to be patient while waiting for you to see me as me.

when will i stop being put down or made to feel stupid? I will keep reminding myself to
be completely silent to a reaction, and to be careful in the words or questions I say.

when will that be fair for me? It is not about me right now.

when is the time going to come that i am simply accepted - warts, farts and all - again?
I know this answer, it will be when I accept me for me, all of me, mind, body and soul! I will come to realize that The positive things people say to me will be true in my eyes.

when i say something, when are you going to smile again? I will smile at you anyway. I will love you anyway. I will choose to be happy anyway. I will be strong, anyway

RULES TO THIS GAME

I've run out of answers, I've asked the questions too many times. I might be thick brained or the chemical balance within me isn't allowing me to penetrate what is being told to me. So, I've written down my new rules:

1. Do Not talk about the "problems"
2. Try to just have a normal day
3. NO 20 QUESTIONS - or ANY questions actually
4. Keep Praying
5. Find my inner strength through this - remember the obstacles I've had to over come in the past - this will carry me from one day to the next
6. Do NOT put anyone on a pedestal - even if that confuses me, it is not accepted as praise
7. Be a separate person: Looks, Interests, outfits, parenting style, goals, dreams, laugh, smile, handshake..u get the point
8. Check in - but only with the facts
9. STOP ALL NEGATIVE!
10.Do NOT Question on decisions that have already been made - mine is not to question why
11.Do NOT comment on an opinion or a statement made - mine is not to communicate back at this time
12.Read, Research, Study and Relax
13.Get medical help I need with menopause
14.Reflect on the good - not everything sucks - look beyond the circle as there are good and happy things in my life still
15.Tell myself every day that my worth is great

Merry Christmas?

So, I flew down to So Cal on Wednesday 12/21 (our 13 yr anniversary of first meeting) only to have an interesting day with mom and dad. I was extremely reflective and quiet and very patient. I've been working so much on me and trying to calm down without jumping like I have done WAY too much the last 2 years. It was quite revealing. I witnessed much while being an 'observer'
Thursday I visiting a friend and it was extremely therapeutic! I was so happy to have been with Sue on this day. I was able to talk to someone who got to hear my 'story' without having any personal interest vested with us. Anyway, she gave me GREAT feedback! Then that night, my long time friend Jan came by Jason and Jennifer's. It's ALWAYS wonderful seeing my long time friend. Janyce has accepted me through so much in my life. She's seen me go through heart ache, through struggles, through much growing, and through my years of being a mommy! Jan, I will cherish our friendship ALWAYS.
Then at 3:15 AM Friday morning I threw up. Thought I ate something wrong or too much but no, this throwing up kept happening along with diarrhea. Long story short: The Family was due to come over to the house for our 'Christmas eve' gathering and that had to get switched to moms. Then, the next morning was supposed to be big breakfast at mom's, that got switched to the hotel. I did go to the hotel to see everyone - at their insistence - and I hope no one gets sick! Karla got sick...but I think she might have caught something before I saw her. Anyway, I feel bad
So, this trip was weird. Had to cancel my flight home from yesterday to today. weird. Its Christmas, I'm not with Heather, and I'm sick.
THEN.....................
I fucking blew it! OMFG! I did what I SWORE TO GOD I'd NOT do again...I got selfish right after we got home! Heather did an innocent thing and I took it personal and got sad. OMFG! WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO LEARN?
I'm in therapy.
I have past issues to deal with.
I need to grow strong.
Heather needs to be allowed to show her true feelings and not be scared.
We have growing pains to get through.
I'm going to trust we will AND we will be SUPER better in the long run!

Till then...damn it....
Please God, SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I deleted two posts I had published while gone. One was on Wednesday and the other on Thursday (I think) but I deleted them because I felt stupid after having a conversation with Heather.

Anyway, I'm not going to do that again. Maybe I'll just add a PS post later, but I'm not going to delete my words. These are my thoughts. This is my life I'm going through. It isn't to please anyone else. Its to get my shit out of my head and put down somewhere!

So, excuse some rants that you might see, I'm a work in progress here!

love and kisses,
the bitch working on being bella again <3

Will you be my friend?

I laugh to myself how my attempts to find a friend must appear to those who have it all together. Although my desire is to go places, experience new adventure and spend off times with Heather...there are times when she is working or away when it would be nice to go do something instead if sitting around the house. Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out at home. I love watching TV, playing my computer games, cooking, reading, talking on the phone, etc. But once in awhile doing something outside if the house with a pal who I can laugh with, share stories, have a partner in crime! I have some really sweet young people at work that are adorable and are my work friends, but I'm talking about the kind of girl who shares similar interests: gay or gay friendly, loves to laugh, isn't a skinny mini cuz that's a tough one (!!) and is at least within a decade give or take, of my age! If Heather and I are off work together, then I want to be with my sweet, fun, adorable girl. But, if she is working or visiting with one of her old friends, then it sure would be swell to have a friend or two I could call up and say hey, let's go grab a coffee and people watch! Or..let's go for a walk downtown. Or..wanna go play bingo with me? Catch a movie? Grab a drink? Until that happens, I need to find peace with going out alone. Or better yet, finish those crochet projects I started!!!

4 U

The electricity...swarming, encircling, enticing.
Touches light and soft, warm and sweet.
Her fine hair running through my fingers, the smell of
her skin creating an aroma that is so familiar, so intoxicating
I remember that first day, then the next...her smile wide with
the twinkle in each eye as she gazes at me from across the room.
Each time we meet, those butterflies of excitement grows more and
more powerful until we fall into each others arms once again,
renewing.
Those times would fly so quick....
Then one day the clock stood still, the parting was no longer
necessary. We were alive! Together! Never to Part Ways.
Oh joy of joys - flowers were brighter and the sun shone brilliant!

Love...pure and simple...not perfect - but close :)

None other ...

There is no one like you,
you were made just for me.
You've touched my heart in places
no one else could ever reach.

You've brought beauty to my world
and comfort to my soul.
Your smile has lit up my life
such a sweet sight to behold.

It's all the little things,
that make you uniquely you.
the special ways you've given to me
in everything you do.

You've ruined me for all others,
because nobody can compare,
to the way you have loved me,
shown me the many ways that you care.

It's important that you get it,
so important that you see
I believe you were made me for,
my precious - my darling - my Heather Marie

Good WenDee / Bad WenDee

I think I need to type these things out and add to them as I remember the good and bad qualities of who I am

Good:
1. I am a giving partner
2. I am a fantastic mom
3. I am a loyal employee
4. I am a loving daughter
5. I take care of my hygiene
6. I do not dress embarrassing
7. I am a great cook
8. I love to make other people laugh
9. I am a great hostess
10. I like others to feel comfortable in my home
11. I will go out of my way to give someone a ride, buy them lunch, or take them a meal if needed
12. I am a giving and passionate lover
13. I smell nice
14. I have a pretty smile
15. I have nice eyes
16. I put others before myself
17. I do not ask for riches
18. I love to play bunco and board games and have fun
19. I love God and ask for forgiveness when I know I've done wrong
20. I learned early that the ones not 'normal' are lovable and deserving to be loved and befriended

Bad:
1. I can be sarcastic at inappropriate times - who wants to be around this?
2. I can joke and sometimes it isn't always nice - comedians suck doing this to work out their insecurities
3. I have put people down when I've been hurt by them, but never to their face. Never.
4. I have not been the best sister, although I've tried, I know I've failed.
5. I cheated on my husband because I was too afraid to face my sexuality truth - being completely unfair to him
6. I've taken pure love for granted thinking it was always there and now I'm paying dearly - I might never learn how to do love right and it would serve me right to be left completely alone
7. I was picked on by the pretty and popular girls because I was fat so I burned little bugs with a magnifying glass to punish them - this is sick and wrong
8. My brother died when I was 12 so I didn't think people lived long so I didn't invest in my future, and didn't take things seriously enough - Weak and selfish
9. My dad left at age 14 and my mom told me he didn't care to come around to be with me, I believed this story - where was my backbone? Maybe I felt I didn't deserve to have a daddy, even back then and I probably wasn't.
10. Instead of talking to someone I could trust, I took upon the abandonment of my brother, father, sister (she got married right b4 dad left), mom (she took off working, dating, and going dancing), and other sister who hung out with her friends. I stuffed my face with food until I was sick and laid down on the rug in front of the refrigerator in the kitchen because of the humming comfort sound and the heat that it exuded - weak weak behavior
11. I was used in a sex game at age 15 so I began using sex as a game and did not trust what people told me - why the hell couldn't I just shrug it off like most anyone would have? Weak.
12. I was date raped at 16 and learned to never trust again - I should have learned before this happened but I wanted to please too much, very bad character flaw
13. I took drugs that my new sexual friends gave me, smoked pot and stayed out all night just so I could feel accepted by someone - pathetic
14. I lived in a lonely marriage because I had children and swore I'd never have them come from a broken home - only to break it up later anyway which hurt them even more. Selfish fucking me left her husband anyway which was unfair and everyone got hurt anyway.
15. I continued to be a fat pig stuffing my emotions down my throat in the form of a burger and fries, and was a constant loser in my attempts to look normal - sabotaging any hope to be a regular person

Pondering....

I'm a little confused. With the events of recent, I've had to think so fricken much. Maybe I should have been a deeper thinker before, but I guess I just handled things as they came. Don't get me wrong, I am a planner. I like to know whats going on today, this week, next month, next vacation, the holiday, etc. However, most of me just 'assumed' so much as I have lived the last 10 years or so. For example, my feelings of what a relationship/partnership/marriage was. Here are my thoughts:
1. Having that special person that 'gets you' when many others don't
2. Knowing you are loved and accepted - faults and all - forgiven when you mess up, and talked to with why what you did hurt them
3. Having childhood friends, friends from before you met, or work friends that are accepted and encouraged - but including them now in your relationship whenever possible. Not forgetting that once in a while its fun to get away with that long time friend to be a child or young adult with and enjoy that special relationship too - all the while making sure your partner understands they are never to be a substitute of wanting to share time with you
4. A safe haven, when the storms of life are fierce
5. Companionship. Having a forever dance partner, secret keeper, audience to laugh at your jokes, and a secured date to all parties, plays and movies
6. Cheerleader for when you want to step out and apply for that job, go back to school, begin a new diet, or take up painting
7. Someone to be honest with you when you really shouldn't wear "those pants" out in public
8. Fellow dreamer of dreams and wishes. Listening to you and smiling at your innocent far off dreams - even if its to win the lottery, move to that cabin in the woods, or care for a garden
9. Sitting together - doing totally different things - but sharing the same space so every once in a while you can look over at the other with a smile knowing you are happy and content just "being"
10. Understanding that the other needs to sometimes have their time alone - taking a drive, going for a walk or bike ride, climbing a mountain, visiting mom, or even just sitting on the porch. Knowing that this time is for them to refresh and reflect and come back to love you even more.

I don't want to be alone. My desire is to have my constant companion. This is how I wish to live. This is how I need to live. This is what I expect.

Am I asking for too much or do you have a different idea of a lifetime commitment than I do? Hmmmm

Friday 12/09/2011 had a hysteroctopy

Yeah, I didn't know what that was either until I was almost going into the procedure. I had my little outpatient thingy done at 7:30 am Friday morning. Heather and I were at the 7th Ave outpatient center at 6:30. Can I just say how simply amazing it is to be taken anywhere by this woman? She is so confident and really gives me strength when she is at my side.
So, they explained all that was going to be done - basically go in through my cervix with a camera and see whats going on inside there and the Uterus. What they found was some growth in the cervix and the Uterus that was removed. It has now been sent out to pathology to determine what is was/is. I'm pretty sure they are polyps and we will find out why I got them in the first place! Is it because of being borderline poly-cystic when I was younger? Is it because I was pre-menopausal way too early (35) and given hormones for 7 yrs to prevent early menopause? Is it because 1 1/2 years ago I put myself on to estrovan (walmart brand however) and black kohesh to prevent my hot flashes and mood swings? I guess that will all be discussed in the weeks to come!
Coming home I took pretty good care of myself, well....not in the eating department. I had a super HUGE set back. I am reading a book that is bringing up some mental pictures and memories of my childhood and I kind of gave myself the gift of binging. (a gift? what an oxymoron) Not so good, but it is what it is! I ate 3 donuts, a container of lays potato chips and then Heather brought me home a double western cheeseburger! Which, was AMAZING...but it left me SICK. I was nauseous the entire night, literally. At one point I sat on the toilet from 1:30 to 2:30 not sure how I was going to be sick so I was prepared for both. I didn't sleep, much. 30 minutes here and there. I think by the time I left my bed this morning maybe a total of 3 hours.Anyway, back to my medical issue! My shoulder is still sore, but bearable, thank goodness. I am still light headed some and have a sore throat with a light cough. These things I was told are typical side affects after being under anesthesia. I am hopeful with a good night sleep tonight I will feel a lot better tomorrow.
I'm sitting here today watching TV and catching up on some work emails. Also, packed up some gifts getting ready to leave on the 21st to fly down south.
I talked to Heather just a little today and wow, do I miss her! I am getting healthier in my head. I have promised her that December is her month so I will keep trying to resist pushing anything on her.
I've not checked up on anything like the AT&T bill, her cell phone messages or texts, facebook, emails, nothing! I'm actually pretty proud. I have a true sense of complete trust and its very liberating! It is getting back to how it was those middle 9 years we had in this 13 year relationship. The first 2 years were hard for me to trust, the last 2 I sorta lost my mind with being overloaded with my lap band surgery with a new way of eating in my life, my hormones, my dad BS, Jason Morris dying, the wedding, the baby, etc....but now I am working on getting rid of all those delusional thoughts that were comfortable for me to slip into. The mind is so weird and yet incredibly complicated and fascinating. Off to sleep now, taking a nap I hope!
To my DC: Even though I am trying to not push, I also might not know when you are ready to let me in, completely. Just give me the sign, the word, or the touch so I'll know :)

Be Kind

Today I did not cry. I know, right! It was a wonderful feeling to not feel so empty mentally and emotionally. Sure, there is still some sad that remains with me, but I'm choosing to really try super hard to look at the positive and the bigger picture.
I put up a few Christmas decorations, including a small lit tree and the nativity set. This alone helped a bunch I think. I also wrapped some gifts. Can't wait to see my grand baby and Jason and Jennifer and my momma! I leave in 13 days. So close to Christmas!
I pray for the love of my life to feel my heart, hear my heart, know how very sorry I am for hurting her with my accelerated tones and harsh words. Please God, keep reminding me of the choices I am making and wish to keep for the rest of my life.
1. Words can hurt.
2.Do not hurl any insults.
3. Think.
4. Quiet yourself before speaking.
5. Choose to be kind
6. Give of yourself
7. You do NOT need to be 'right'
8. Always love over hate

Tomorrow is my procedure. I pray all goes well and whatever the find they can get rid of and that it isn't cancer.

Amen.

i know, i know! I have 4 followers. but NO ONE READS MY SHIT!

Dear Diary Blog,
1. Have had my cramps again. It sucks! WTH, I'm in menopause and I have cramps? Really, with so much going on in my life I don't care about this abdominal pain because it actually feels good to have pain in other parts of my body
2. Bleeding. Yup, its happening again! After the cramps...here it comes! Today was day #10 taking my "stop the bleeding" pills so I'm thinking tomorrow will be heavier and even crampier. Joy to the World, the bleeding comes!
3. My shoulder has only gotten worse. Went to the Orthopedist and he found that I have bad inflammation with rotary cuff tendonitis. Yup. He explained, the tendon is so inflamed (why? Probably from stress in my body with it being too tense exacerbated by the extreme vomiting I had when I had the allergy reaction to the morphine given to me when I was at the ER on Fri the 25th). So, I had an ouchie cortisone shot put into the tendon. It should help within a couple days. Pain is SO bad tonight that I took an OXY tonight
4. Cant work. Between all the above, I cannot sit at my desk - need to keep heat and drugs in me - and therefore can't type. Tomorrow (Thurs the 8th) I will open my work lap top and do what I can from home.
5. Yahoo! Pride Holiday party on Tuesday the 13th. I'm in charge. What?!!! Yeah, I know! Hope that the Christmas miracles keep happening and I'll be ok to go back to work on Monday and Tuesday - as I need Wednesday off cuz my hair man had to reschedule a bunch of times due to this holiday crazy time. So, this party is going to go off with a wing and a prayer!
6. Biggest for last - Heather is very off balance still. Went to therapy and she was cold as ice. It felt like it was her against me. Still so freaking weird to me. My love, the one I'd die for and move heaven and earth and promise to love until my dying breath, spoke to the therapist saying she was scared. Scared, of me? I was shocked and I'm still more confused than ever. However, something happened. I sat there thinking ok, I've had one week of non stop crying. Of begging Heather to forgive me for anything (everything) that I did wrong, what ever it was. Apparently there is 2 years of pent up stuff that has bothered her but she's not brought any of it up to me in honest communication. I've been sad. Worn no makeup because of the crying. Had a constant headache. The sadness level is deeper than anything I've ever felt. I can't believe I have hurt her so bad and not known it. Anyway, Liz - the therapist - helped to illustrate something that Heather was trying to describe. I got it. I need to let up. I need to work on me. I can't work on her. She has to work on her. I need to get strong and I need to find WenDee. I need to be happy and I need to feel proud. I have to smile at my own reflection and not have it be fake. So, I took a few steps. I did my best to not text or call her. Give her space. Let her find her inner happiness then maybe, just maybe, she will come back to me and say: "OK, I'm better and ready to be us again". That day will be the happiest day of my life! But, until then I'm not supposed to buy her stuff (I've always bought her things?) I'm not supposed to push her (what do I say? how do we communicate?) I'm not supposed to have her see me cry as that makes her feel helpless (gosh, I'm so sorry that I'm so sad and this is how I am going through my pain) But, I get it. I need to really step aside and not let any of this be about me. Its about us. These are growing pains, working thing out, so we will be better.

Please dear God, PLEASE have her come back to me! Please remind her of how good we are together. PLEASE have her miss the Heather and WenDee that has been amazing. Amen.

Tears

I did not think a person could cry so many tears. I wake, I cry. I remmeber a moment during the day, I cry. I look at her beautiful face as she stares off, I cry. I miss her spirit surrounding me, I cry. I go to bed - she falls asleep - I cry until I am beyond pain in my head. So many tears, why so many tears? Because. Because she is trying to find her balance. I toppled her. Heather, please, my love, my partner, my confidant, my happy boat, please come back to me completely before these tears make my eyes bleed

An Open Letter to My Love

I hurt you. I did not know that I was hurting you. But, I hurt you. Its weird to think that just last month you were calling us "that couple". That couple that others wish they could be. What happened from then to now?

How could things turn upside down? I'll never be able to say I'm sorry enough. I'll never be able to take the pain away. Those times when I got mad. When I over reacted due to things the kids were doing. Or work. Or my medical stuff. Or the hormones that are just all over the place. I'll never be able to take back my anger that was cast out at my Father. I must have tipped some sort of scale then that sorta stuck. I let things get to me. I must have taken things out too much at home and at you. Weirdest thing, you are the last person in the entire world that I would want to hurt. So odd. So fucking messed up.

I fought to have us. I looked to the day when I was able to make the move. We both were so happy! Remember when we would sit and smile and hold hands saying...I don't have to fly home, I AM home! The joy in my heart and in my eyes - the same eyes that met your eyes and saw that joy in you. We took drives, sang silly songs, went to crazy stores. We bought matching TShirts and ate yummy food. We began riding bikes and we took our walks. Remember the silly times at water aerobics? I loved making you smile and laugh and it was my proudest moments. I am always the happiest when I'm at your side, no matter what we were doing. Just watching a TV show in the living room, just talking in the kitchen, walking the puppies, it never mattered. As long as we were side by side we were happy.

What happened?

How could things change so quickly and become so dramatic?

Why can't you love me like you once did, and for so long?

Why am I not good enough? I'm human. I make mistakes....did I make too many? Did you never make mistakes? Did you make too many? I want to breathe again. I want to hold you again. I want to be on the same page with you. I want to marry you.

Oh please God, Please touch her heart. Please help me to help her. Please let her release the anger and the hurt. Please help me to learn whatever lesson I'm supposed to learn here.

I want us back. I want to be That Couple.
Forever and Ever - plus one more day

LOL

Yup. LOL. LOL'ing at my life is my every day occurrence. Someone recently told me that I did it to someone before, so maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe its my turn to have it done to me. Its now my time to suffer. I didn't suffer enough as a child and a teenager, bullied, molested, raped, abandoned.....I need to suffer some more. I deserve the suffering. I might do enough repentance in my life to finally have some relief, but I doubt it. I doubt I will be deserving to have a simple and happy life.
1. I'm too fucking complicated.
2. I want too much
3. I ask for too much
4. I push
5. I suffocate
6. I don't allow those to be free
7. I give too much
8. I do not give enough to me
9. I have too low self esteme
10. I do not value myself enough
11. I put you first too often?
12. I suffocate - I break - I am a fuck up - Why the hell should I keep trying? Its too hard. Its too fucking hard to perfect in this GD world. I can't be me and just fucking live! I have to think. Think all the time about every GD person. Fuck it. Where is my cabin in the fucking woods? Give me my 1 bedroom retreat and I'll grow a garden and learn to garden. As long as I have the internet I'll be fine. I lived a life of loneliness for many many years I can go back there. Do I want to? Fuck no. But can I? Fuck yes. Give me my computer. My TV. My books/magazines. My garden. My puzzles. My dog. I'll be fucking fine. Then...I won't bother anyone. I will not be this person who 'hurts' who 'punishes' who 'isn't ready for the world. I can be the Grandma that my children and grand children will visit. I will cook. We will play games. We will take walks and gather wood and stones. We will pain. We will invest in what spiritually makes us smile.
This is my life