Merry Christmas?

So, I flew down to So Cal on Wednesday 12/21 (our 13 yr anniversary of first meeting) only to have an interesting day with mom and dad. I was extremely reflective and quiet and very patient. I've been working so much on me and trying to calm down without jumping like I have done WAY too much the last 2 years. It was quite revealing. I witnessed much while being an 'observer'
Thursday I visiting a friend and it was extremely therapeutic! I was so happy to have been with Sue on this day. I was able to talk to someone who got to hear my 'story' without having any personal interest vested with us. Anyway, she gave me GREAT feedback! Then that night, my long time friend Jan came by Jason and Jennifer's. It's ALWAYS wonderful seeing my long time friend. Janyce has accepted me through so much in my life. She's seen me go through heart ache, through struggles, through much growing, and through my years of being a mommy! Jan, I will cherish our friendship ALWAYS.
Then at 3:15 AM Friday morning I threw up. Thought I ate something wrong or too much but no, this throwing up kept happening along with diarrhea. Long story short: The Family was due to come over to the house for our 'Christmas eve' gathering and that had to get switched to moms. Then, the next morning was supposed to be big breakfast at mom's, that got switched to the hotel. I did go to the hotel to see everyone - at their insistence - and I hope no one gets sick! Karla got sick...but I think she might have caught something before I saw her. Anyway, I feel bad
So, this trip was weird. Had to cancel my flight home from yesterday to today. weird. Its Christmas, I'm not with Heather, and I'm sick.
THEN.....................
I fucking blew it! OMFG! I did what I SWORE TO GOD I'd NOT do again...I got selfish right after we got home! Heather did an innocent thing and I took it personal and got sad. OMFG! WHEN THE FUCK AM I GOING TO LEARN?
I'm in therapy.
I have past issues to deal with.
I need to grow strong.
Heather needs to be allowed to show her true feelings and not be scared.
We have growing pains to get through.
I'm going to trust we will AND we will be SUPER better in the long run!

Till then...damn it....
Please God, SHUT MY FUCKING MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I deleted two posts I had published while gone. One was on Wednesday and the other on Thursday (I think) but I deleted them because I felt stupid after having a conversation with Heather.

Anyway, I'm not going to do that again. Maybe I'll just add a PS post later, but I'm not going to delete my words. These are my thoughts. This is my life I'm going through. It isn't to please anyone else. Its to get my shit out of my head and put down somewhere!

So, excuse some rants that you might see, I'm a work in progress here!

love and kisses,
the bitch working on being bella again <3