i know, i know! I have 4 followers. but NO ONE READS MY SHIT!

Dear Diary Blog,
1. Have had my cramps again. It sucks! WTH, I'm in menopause and I have cramps? Really, with so much going on in my life I don't care about this abdominal pain because it actually feels good to have pain in other parts of my body
2. Bleeding. Yup, its happening again! After the cramps...here it comes! Today was day #10 taking my "stop the bleeding" pills so I'm thinking tomorrow will be heavier and even crampier. Joy to the World, the bleeding comes!
3. My shoulder has only gotten worse. Went to the Orthopedist and he found that I have bad inflammation with rotary cuff tendonitis. Yup. He explained, the tendon is so inflamed (why? Probably from stress in my body with it being too tense exacerbated by the extreme vomiting I had when I had the allergy reaction to the morphine given to me when I was at the ER on Fri the 25th). So, I had an ouchie cortisone shot put into the tendon. It should help within a couple days. Pain is SO bad tonight that I took an OXY tonight
4. Cant work. Between all the above, I cannot sit at my desk - need to keep heat and drugs in me - and therefore can't type. Tomorrow (Thurs the 8th) I will open my work lap top and do what I can from home.
5. Yahoo! Pride Holiday party on Tuesday the 13th. I'm in charge. What?!!! Yeah, I know! Hope that the Christmas miracles keep happening and I'll be ok to go back to work on Monday and Tuesday - as I need Wednesday off cuz my hair man had to reschedule a bunch of times due to this holiday crazy time. So, this party is going to go off with a wing and a prayer!
6. Biggest for last - Heather is very off balance still. Went to therapy and she was cold as ice. It felt like it was her against me. Still so freaking weird to me. My love, the one I'd die for and move heaven and earth and promise to love until my dying breath, spoke to the therapist saying she was scared. Scared, of me? I was shocked and I'm still more confused than ever. However, something happened. I sat there thinking ok, I've had one week of non stop crying. Of begging Heather to forgive me for anything (everything) that I did wrong, what ever it was. Apparently there is 2 years of pent up stuff that has bothered her but she's not brought any of it up to me in honest communication. I've been sad. Worn no makeup because of the crying. Had a constant headache. The sadness level is deeper than anything I've ever felt. I can't believe I have hurt her so bad and not known it. Anyway, Liz - the therapist - helped to illustrate something that Heather was trying to describe. I got it. I need to let up. I need to work on me. I can't work on her. She has to work on her. I need to get strong and I need to find WenDee. I need to be happy and I need to feel proud. I have to smile at my own reflection and not have it be fake. So, I took a few steps. I did my best to not text or call her. Give her space. Let her find her inner happiness then maybe, just maybe, she will come back to me and say: "OK, I'm better and ready to be us again". That day will be the happiest day of my life! But, until then I'm not supposed to buy her stuff (I've always bought her things?) I'm not supposed to push her (what do I say? how do we communicate?) I'm not supposed to have her see me cry as that makes her feel helpless (gosh, I'm so sorry that I'm so sad and this is how I am going through my pain) But, I get it. I need to really step aside and not let any of this be about me. Its about us. These are growing pains, working thing out, so we will be better.

Please dear God, PLEASE have her come back to me! Please remind her of how good we are together. PLEASE have her miss the Heather and WenDee that has been amazing. Amen.