LOL

Yup. LOL. LOL'ing at my life is my every day occurrence. Someone recently told me that I did it to someone before, so maybe I deserve this pain. Maybe its my turn to have it done to me. Its now my time to suffer. I didn't suffer enough as a child and a teenager, bullied, molested, raped, abandoned.....I need to suffer some more. I deserve the suffering. I might do enough repentance in my life to finally have some relief, but I doubt it. I doubt I will be deserving to have a simple and happy life.
1. I'm too fucking complicated.
2. I want too much
3. I ask for too much
4. I push
5. I suffocate
6. I don't allow those to be free
7. I give too much
8. I do not give enough to me
9. I have too low self esteme
10. I do not value myself enough
11. I put you first too often?
12. I suffocate - I break - I am a fuck up - Why the hell should I keep trying? Its too hard. Its too fucking hard to perfect in this GD world. I can't be me and just fucking live! I have to think. Think all the time about every GD person. Fuck it. Where is my cabin in the fucking woods? Give me my 1 bedroom retreat and I'll grow a garden and learn to garden. As long as I have the internet I'll be fine. I lived a life of loneliness for many many years I can go back there. Do I want to? Fuck no. But can I? Fuck yes. Give me my computer. My TV. My books/magazines. My garden. My puzzles. My dog. I'll be fucking fine. Then...I won't bother anyone. I will not be this person who 'hurts' who 'punishes' who 'isn't ready for the world. I can be the Grandma that my children and grand children will visit. I will cook. We will play games. We will take walks and gather wood and stones. We will pain. We will invest in what spiritually makes us smile.
This is my life