change

I've never been the sort of person to get used to change quickly. It takes time, patience, and conforming to really take to anything that changes. However Sunday something changed and I fell in love with it immediately. I got my first tattoo. Oh, I had huge plans for my first one. Been planning since I turned 50! But for this reason and that reason it just wasn't "right" and I'm so glad for that because my life has changed tremendously over the past two years. However Sunday, Jason and I together went to get some new ink! This is a congenital heart defects (CHD) awareness ribbon. Jason's is just the ribbon. Mine..well, I added the little sailor hat to the tip of the ribbon in honor of my Evan. I'm thrilled with this and yes, I'll be getting more :)

somebody..

...bring me some water
cuz I'm dying a slow death
I'm thirsty and can't find the quenching
for things causing me to be out of breath

...bring me some water
for I know that I'll never survive
this time continuum unfolding
for my face in you I will hide

...bring me some water
let me bathe in the scent that you left
finding you in every fold and corner
with eyes rolling back in my head

...bring me some water
as I know my lips are thoroughly parched
every ounce of liquid has left me
as your hand lifted my aching arch

...bring me some water
pour it completely over me
smile at the heat you are cooling
as you purr those words: 'my kitty'

Dear Pastor of a local church

Dear Pastor ....,
I wish to be completely respectful of your FB pages and of your Churches website so thought I would send you a message here, for you to read and do with as you so wish.
I applaud that you took to preaching (teaching) about the hard topics that is rampant out in our society and the world today. I know with first hand experience that not only is it stressful, it can become a sore spot for those members who disagree and possibly even leave the congregation because of their different views. I was looking forward to hearing your message and am very glad I did.
My history isn't necessarily important, but for the sake of knowing where I come from, here goes. I grew up in a religious Christian household - Southern baptist no less. We had church on Sundays and Wednesdays, VBS taught by my mother, youth camps, my parents were part of planting new churches, preachers family would come to the house on Sunday afternoon for pot roast, we performed in church plays, memorized the books of the Bible and scriptures from a very early age. We were known as the go to family for helping, cooking, fund raising, Bible studies, women's groups, etc. Later, my husband and I became church warriors and (serious) leaders of our church where we had our two children, who happened to be completely involved with everything church and everything Jesus. So, please allow me to use this as explaining that I am well aware of: the teachings, the scriptures, the church faculty PC communication and beliefs of the existence of the homosexual community and the connection to the 'church'. However I left out one point. I knew at age 9 I was a lesbian. I also knew at age 9 that I would go to hell, for that is what was taught to me. I was aware that letting anyone know this fact about me was going to bring shame, ridicule, rejection, hurt and fear to family and friends. So I did what every good Christian who wanted to just be accepted and loved and able to have children did, and I hid my "truth". I was very good at this, for no one had any hint. In fact, I was so good that I convinced myself that it must have been the devils work and to reject it in my thoughts. Through church I was in charge of meals on wheels, I was a Woman's ministry leader, VBS director and the stay at home mom all working moms (mostly within my church) could call when their child needed to be watched during the day while they HAD to work. I was the friend of the Pastor's family who was called on to help pack up their house when they weren't able to do so due to a move away to plant a new church. I was the one to bake, give presents, encourage, help the homeless, provide baby and wedding showers. I provided a safe and loving place for those before and after school kids who could do their homework and have a meal and be cleaned up and ready to go home when picked up at 7 PM, only for them to go to bed and do it all over again the next day. I was trusted, 'loved', and used by everyone because I had shown in my life that my heart was good and through it all I loved my God and try to live by the example of Jesus. What people did not understand was that I was sad, lonely, and felt fake because of one thing: I was not able to openly experience what I always knew; I was a gay woman attracted to spiritual and giving women. My husband was a wonderful provider. He was one of the best Daddies I had seen. He loved the Lord and was a trusted friend and worker on all accounts. However, we were not compatible. You see, I was not sexually what he was comfortable with (I was a bit overweight and this was not his choice of attraction) and I was not able to fully give myself in our encounters. However, as a good Christian, I tried everything I could to get 'past' that part of our marriage. I became extremely sad when I would see how others in the world had happiness and compatibility. They would hold hands, be loving, be interacting on a deep level. Sure, my husband held my hand on Sunday, even put his arm around me while we sat on the pew, but then there was nothing else until the following Sunday. Don't get me wrong, I do not blame him for anything. He was living his 'truth' for the most part. But his 'sin' was acceptable, mine was not. To make it clear, I do not find being a homosexual a sin. I have gone to Great lengths to study this in some of the older versions of our Bible, for many many years. I have sought out to ask people within the Pastoral community, authors, speakers and scholars. My conclusions, as I guess you may already know that I have, is that the teachings of what is practiced about homosexuality is misconstrued and what I believe was meant in a few Bible verses, were to be about lust, rape, incest, and war and not of a loving same sex relationships and partnerships. To wrap this part up..After many years of deep depression I was able to rest in the loving arms of God and become brave to become me, the complete true self. The same true self every single heterosexual is allowed to do with no pomp and circumstance. Nothing to do with anything else, just an honest life with the ability to go forward. Same person. Same Mom, same kids, same parents and sisters, same heart of giving and of helps. Ah, but not the same friends. You see most all of my friends were of the church so no, they all accepted that I was not 'walking with God' and my poor husband (of which they NEVER were given the information of what went on in our home where his actions were unacceptable). It hurt, as I knew it would, but because I was raised "in the church" I knew this was to come. I knew the fate ahead of me in this regard and, because they could not see beyond what they were taught, rejected me to be in their life. I was still me - but because of this one thing, I became a monster.
So, in conclusion, while I still am very glad you were able to bring a heartfelt and loving sermon out to your congration on this topic, we are in disagreement about the origin of what you deem sin, and what I deem is a society of fear. I am still a Christian. My faith has not wavered. My relationship with the organized church has, as many preach like you about "obviously you cannot become a member because of your sin". I shudder at the thought of the leaders in churches that are secretly child molesters, gamblers of the homes necessary household money, food addicts, liars, income tax cheaters, boasters, braggers, unfaithful to their spouse, and the list of hidden sins go on and on. You see, I will not hide my truth which is knowing God loves me exactly as I am and that it is my heart He sees. It is the fruits of His Spirit that is judged by Him and He alone. I know that I am just like everyone else and am far far from perfect. But, it is through God's grace that I am held and loved. I have prayed for you and your church. A very sweet lady and previous co worker of mine goes to your church so I am excited for your growth and the love you show others. I know you are on a journey yourself as we all are, so I pray that only great things come to your church and in your families way!
Blessings.

stuck

I'm stuck in a world of I don't know ....... and  that which I totally know.
I want to be near my sister, mom, sons, and grand baby..... but I don't know how much longer I can hang on to this.
The feeling of being free and loving life and frolicking and being happy is calling me to wonder.
When is it going to be my turn again?
Will I find that happy place where I wake up in the morning, smile, and find myself sure of what my life is all about?
Can I trust again?
Can I truly be loved again?
My thoughts are mixed with doubt and insecurities and sadness.
I know what I "want"
I know what I "need"
I do not know how to find me right now without sacrificing something HUGE
Where am I to turn for the answers?
Who knows what the right thing for me to do is?
God....are you listening? Do you care?
Have I been tossed aside into a cruel world of lonely, bitterness and un-finished compromise?
I am lost today.
Lost into a world of I don't fucking know.
There seems that no one can answer any questions for me, but myself.
And I have no answers.
None.
I'm stsuck.

Why I Will Always Believe In Love

You may have endured countless heartbreaks and hurt. Your girlfriend has cheated on you, she casually says, “I just don’t love you no more.” Your father may have left you since you were a child or your sister betrayed your trust for not keeping your deepest darkest secret. But deep down, deep down, you still have this tiniest bit of hope that the next love you’ll find is going to work.

You may have tried and failed. And tried and failed again. You may have twenty names in your it-just-didn't-work-between-us list.  You've cried yourself to sleep every single time after all those breakups, and you vow to guard your heart a little better – to not give every piece of puzzle to the next one who comes along. But you’ll never be able to stop putting yourself out there. You’ll find yourself having the strength of being vulnerable once more. Because you know you are one step closer to finding the one, even when you know you might get hurt once more.

You may once be a believer. “That was when I was naive,” you said. “That was when I didn’t know the truth in this cruel world.” Then something happens – something always does, and you find yourself at the other end of the spectrum. You scoff at those believing in fate; you mock your friends for believing in love. “The sooner you learn the truth,” you begin, “the sooner it will set you free.” But every night when you close your eyes to sleep, you wish there’s something you can do to fill the emptiness in your heart. You wish, deep down, you can be a believer once more.

You may be broken. You may have been experiencing enough pain to turn your back on the world, on humanity, and on every fairy-tale fantasy that feeds the possible existence of your true love. But there will still be moments that make your heart skip a beat. A touch. A smile. Those warm eyes. There are seconds when you will find yourself breathless, igniting that fire inside your heart that has been long put to rest – a flicker of hope of the warmth that you never think will experience once more.

You may feel desperately lonely. You have spent your days waiting and hoping that the next girl who sweeps you off your feet will present you the missing pair of glass shoes and end your single-hood forever. You wait – while at the same time seeing your friends getting engaged and close friends having full lives. But you never give up. You never give up of showing up, of getting yourself out of the house because if there’s even the tiniest chance of meeting that girl today, you’ll grab it.

You may watch the news – witness wars emerging and societies breaking. Death. Greed. Anger. Pain. Sadness. You start asking yourself, “How could anyone do this to another?” You become a complete cynic towards whatever good that is present, questioning every motive behind every deed. But then you see a two-year-old smiling wide, laughing innocently while their mother wipe away that ice cream smudge on their face. And you find yourself smiling. There is still goodness in this world. There is still hope. There is still love.

You may even curse love. Your curse it so hard that it rips your heart to pieces. You hate others who believe in it. But deep down, deep down, this hatred roots in the hope of its success. You hate love because it has failed you. You despise love because it is the one thing you want to have, but robbed.

You may say you don’t believe in love. But deep down, way deep down, you always will. It doesn't matter if love has or hasn't done you justice. Because even the tiniest hope of its existence gives you hope for tomorrow.

It gives hope to life. 

I wish I had a million dollars

so I could flee the horizon on a whim

To visit friends and give comfort

and not lose my connection here with the family

Its a tough choice to make...

a promise or my soul?

For now, I wait. Answers are coming

Time seems to hurry by and before you know it your life turns again

If I had a million dollars

I'd set sail on the ocean and bring my friends

We would dine on the best and dance until dawn

Watching the black sea turn blue and alive with creatures

For now I have a buck fifty so I remain in my cell

Only my thoughts and my desires take me away.......to wait for that day

And so

you begin again

You pick yourself up and step forward

There is nothing that can be changed

from the lessons of yesterday

Remember they are lessons

and take heed to not repeat

As you know others will con you

and they will lie to you

and they will cheat on you

and they will use you

So start over

begin again