Saturday, July 25, 2020
R.I.P. Audrey
My dear Audrey, 7 years ago today we met. Before that day I wrote about how badly I was ready for new adventure; boy did I find something new with you! We were introduced and with the shaking of hands all I could see were your flirty eyes! There must have been 100 other campers there, among them I made many new friends that weekend. However in you, I found someone who - like me - had been recently hurt and we both were left a little damaged. We stayed up way past midnight that first night star gazing and talking and laughing! You know how happy you made me that night, because the next two nights we spent the nights sharing and building a great friendship. You were a very important addition to my life and it was too bad you and I lost some time when your girlfriend was so jealous. But then the last two years of your life we had our friendship back and I’ll never forget how special that was. I hope you knew how much I loved you and how thankful I was for you in my life. Today I smile and share those memories in my head, tonight’s margarita I toast you and us. Fish on my dear friend, in the heavenly streams and lake. Catch a big one! 🐟 🎣 🚣♂️
Friday, July 17, 2020
written 7/17/2020 - published 2/16/2024
I wonder if everyone knew what was really going through Me, inside my head. Do they see the things that I miss so deeply in my life? I have so many desires and I had so many goals and it’s sad that I didn’t reach most all of them and the desire’s are just memories of things from the past. Surprisingly it is the past that I find my comfort not the present nor do I see it in my future. Sure I see things that will bring me happy times, and I know I won’t be completely alone. The reason I say this is I will find places that accept me for me, people who will be-friend me just because they see something good in me. I describe my feelings like I’ve been trying to swim upstream or climbing up a waterfall and there’s just so much resistance that there’s no way I’m gonna make it to the other end or yo the top. I don’t want to keep trying to go up that hill that’s never ending. I don’t want to see the ones that I love not be at the top holding their arms out to embrace me. You can’t remove, And you cannot replace something good for something bad that happened in your past. Memories are all that I have and yet I feel they are alive. I feel that if I close my eyes and I think of that one or two or 5000 memories that made me so happy I can feel them and I can taste them and I can smell them and I can hold them much longer then when my eyes are open and continue going about my day. I am buying time, I am working until I retire, and then I will takeoff. With telecommuting and teleworking from home I can live anywhere and still work. So if they make it possible to do that I just may, I just may go somewhere, where the air feels right and the sky looks appealing and the people are familiar. I wish I could do that tomorrow. A birthday is coming up, another birthday that I’m not a part of. I think that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or maybe it’s just the silence. So much fucking silence! What I’d do and what I’d give just to hear that sweet voice again. To hear the laugh and see those beautiful blue eyes and that smile! I hold onto hope. Is it really too late?
I wonder if everyone knew what was really going through Me, inside my head. Do they see the things that I miss so deeply in my life? I have so many desires and I had so many goals and it’s sad that I didn’t reach most all of them and the desire’s are just memories of things from the past. Surprisingly it is the past that I find my comfort not the present nor do I see it in my future. Sure I see things that will bring me happy times, and I know I won’t be completely alone. The reason I say this is I will find places that accept me for me, people who will be-friend me just because they see something good in me. I describe my feelings like I’ve been trying to swim upstream or climbing up a waterfall and there’s just so much resistance that there’s no way I’m gonna make it to the other end or yo the top. I don’t want to keep trying to go up that hill that’s never ending. I don’t want to see the ones that I love not be at the top holding their arms out to embrace me. You can’t remove, And you cannot replace something good for something bad that happened in your past. Memories are all that I have and yet I feel they are alive. I feel that if I close my eyes and I think of that one or two or 5000 memories that made me so happy I can feel them and I can taste them and I can smell them and I can hold them much longer then when my eyes are open and continue going about my day. I am buying time, I am working until I retire, and then I will takeoff. With telecommuting and teleworking from home I can live anywhere and still work. So if they make it possible to do that I just may, I just may go somewhere, where the air feels right and the sky looks appealing and the people are familiar. I wish I could do that tomorrow. A birthday is coming up, another birthday that I’m not a part of. I think that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or maybe it’s just the silence. So much fucking silence! What I’d do and what I’d give just to hear that sweet voice again. To hear the laugh and see those beautiful blue eyes and that smile! I hold onto hope. Is it really too late?
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