Can't people hear me scream? I know it is only internal, but seriously, don't people see me?
I'm dying inside, no, I've already died inside.
There is nothing left of me and I don't want to wake up and try to go through the days only to try to sleep at night and forget my existence
I want this to be over
Two years of death. Two years of constant reminders. Two years of a virtual downward spiral. I'm on the floor, i'm dead but still taking in oxygen. How do I fix that? How do I end this nightmare? I cannot go on. The knife is a continual stab to my heart.
Nobody cares.
Nobody wants me.
Nobody hears me.
I don't want to do this anymore.
God, PLEASE, Please take me.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Friday, February 14, 2014
A continuum
Valentines Day - 2014
What does this day mean? Why do we celebrate such an event with more candy giving, more money spent on ugly stuffed animals, flowers that die and elaborate dinners with gorging of drink and dessert .. Pink and Reds everywhere, with glitter that sticks to all surfaces and poems that mean nothing
Well, without having a sweetheart, I can tell you why.
Because it is the idea. The idea of love and that you matter and that you are special and deserving. You are praised and cherished and adored and worth 'every penny' and then some. You are held in high regard and told you are important and freely given smiles and warmth and hugs and ..... love
I started yesterday with praising me. I began a dance with WenDee. I was kind and gentle and loving and full of praise. I was patient with her and held her and yes, treated her just as a princess should be treated. I smiled at her reflection and soothed her skin after her cry...bathing in bath beads kept for only those special occasion. It was a special occasion, it was honoring me. The me that is so deserving.
This Valentines day I woke in a haste, for I had not slept long. Remembering the very late night which was a short time ago and how the eve flowed into the early morning hour....the crying....the holding....the words the time spent. And just like the day before, I freely gave to myself in a caring manner, primping and honoring me. Today was my day, it belonged to no one else.
In the morning as I went to work, I walked through the rows and rows of beautiful flowers. Roses and carnations and daisy's and hibiscus. The reds and yellows and oranges and pinks...soft pinks, bold pinks, bright pinks. Yes, pink is my color. I gathered the group as it called out to me and put them into the vase which sat proudly on my desk. Throughout the day every time I looked over I was reminded how special and important I was - to myself. To my inner being. To my God. To my younger being. There nestled close to that vase was a heart shaped pink box filed with chocolate delights. Purchased for one person, thoughts of only her. They were meant to sit in memory of the sweet tastes of life that I have lived. Every chocolate to me represented a year. Happy years, sad years, growing years, loving years. I gave thought through the day of where my life is now, how I got here, and where I want to go. What is my passion now, who matters to me and who will be allowed to have a part of me - even if only in friendship. I have a right to decide if I shall allow them in; bringing them to the place that reveals Me. I will protect that spot, She deserves the scrutiny of the selection of whom is allowed.
The day ending perfect with my little family of my son and daughter in law and granddaughter. This perfect set of 4, so much love, lots of giggles, joy over flowing.
This is life. My life. Life as it is today.
I will choose every day how life will be lived - it is up to me and no one can take that from me.
Goodnight
What does this day mean? Why do we celebrate such an event with more candy giving, more money spent on ugly stuffed animals, flowers that die and elaborate dinners with gorging of drink and dessert .. Pink and Reds everywhere, with glitter that sticks to all surfaces and poems that mean nothing
Well, without having a sweetheart, I can tell you why.
Because it is the idea. The idea of love and that you matter and that you are special and deserving. You are praised and cherished and adored and worth 'every penny' and then some. You are held in high regard and told you are important and freely given smiles and warmth and hugs and ..... love
I started yesterday with praising me. I began a dance with WenDee. I was kind and gentle and loving and full of praise. I was patient with her and held her and yes, treated her just as a princess should be treated. I smiled at her reflection and soothed her skin after her cry...bathing in bath beads kept for only those special occasion. It was a special occasion, it was honoring me. The me that is so deserving.
This Valentines day I woke in a haste, for I had not slept long. Remembering the very late night which was a short time ago and how the eve flowed into the early morning hour....the crying....the holding....the words the time spent. And just like the day before, I freely gave to myself in a caring manner, primping and honoring me. Today was my day, it belonged to no one else.
In the morning as I went to work, I walked through the rows and rows of beautiful flowers. Roses and carnations and daisy's and hibiscus. The reds and yellows and oranges and pinks...soft pinks, bold pinks, bright pinks. Yes, pink is my color. I gathered the group as it called out to me and put them into the vase which sat proudly on my desk. Throughout the day every time I looked over I was reminded how special and important I was - to myself. To my inner being. To my God. To my younger being. There nestled close to that vase was a heart shaped pink box filed with chocolate delights. Purchased for one person, thoughts of only her. They were meant to sit in memory of the sweet tastes of life that I have lived. Every chocolate to me represented a year. Happy years, sad years, growing years, loving years. I gave thought through the day of where my life is now, how I got here, and where I want to go. What is my passion now, who matters to me and who will be allowed to have a part of me - even if only in friendship. I have a right to decide if I shall allow them in; bringing them to the place that reveals Me. I will protect that spot, She deserves the scrutiny of the selection of whom is allowed.
The day ending perfect with my little family of my son and daughter in law and granddaughter. This perfect set of 4, so much love, lots of giggles, joy over flowing.
This is life. My life. Life as it is today.
I will choose every day how life will be lived - it is up to me and no one can take that from me.
Goodnight
Thursday, February 6, 2014
She let go
She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…
Sunday, February 2, 2014
I'm too tired to keep trying. Too tired to search for rainbows.
There are no more treasures left to be found in my universe.
I am empty and lost and sick of what is called my existence now.
Here is my towel, tossed into the ring.
Find me dear Lord and help me up closer to you.
Lead me to your place.
I don't want to be here anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)