To Jason and Evan - just so you never forget

I tried to never let either one of you down. I did the best I could because I wanted you safe and to become a man with integrity and respect for others. I made you say you were sorry when you made a bad choice, Say thank you when given a gift and held doors open for others. I drove you to fill out applications and made you phone call back employers because working gave you responsibility and an outlook that nothing is free and you are not entitled. I trusted you, forgave you, and always cheered you on. I knew more then you thought I knew, looked the other way sometimes, and sometimes put my hands over my ears keep from hearing your shocking news! Through good, hard, sad, and happy times you were my boys. Never was there a mother more proud then me as I stood by watching you turn into the men I knew you could be. I love you deeply and completely and though no one knows what the future holds, you can be sure that this mom lives in your heart and through memories I hope you'll cherish as much as I do. God will always be your guide, trust that, and trust your heart

Dear God, it's me, wendy

God, why am i still here? why do i have to be tormented? every day. the struggle. i can't - i don't want to do this anymore. you've already proven to me my worth. it's nothing. i'm worthless, i just take up space, i don't want to be here anymore. i want to go. there is not one soul other than jason and jordynn that care and i know they will be fine without me. i pray that i can go soon. i hurt. all the time i hurt. my head pounds. my aching heart beats too loud. my memories haunt me every day. i have nothing that i need to do here any longer. my time is up. please God. please take me home. please put me and everyone out of this misery. no one needs me or wants me. nothing i say is right. nothing i do is right. nothing i eat is good. nowhere i go am i wanted. not even in my own home. i see the eyes, i hear the words, i feel the knife that pushes into my gut and my heart and my back and into my brain. words of repugnance and dispicableness. i used to be ok. i used to be loved. i used to be a part of it. i used to have friends. i used to feel important. i use to laugh. i use to matter.

i
don't
matter
and
i
can't
take
it
any
longer

Change, from wen to wen

at 56, you need to change
at 57, you must be changing
at 58, your change is showing
at 59, you hardly notice you've changed
at 60, you try to change others
at 61, your change is now you
at 62, you change a little more
at 63, RETIREMENT and change begins again

The countdown is REAL

Summer is depressing

Of course, every month is depressing when you are a manic depressive person. Right now I'm invisible again. No one sees me. I wonder what would happen if I never spoke a word without being asked a question? No saying hello first, or good morning. Just show up. Just do my thing, wear a fake smile in case the boss is around. Just be. Counting the days till retirement. Counting down having to live in this swelter and be around so many phony people. I hope to buy a little house tucked away in my heart home of Oregon. That is where my excitement is. Fresh air, light rain, green everywhere. Mountains, farms, winery's, downtown, lakes, beaches. Take the light rail to visit my favorite spots. Have my truck and trailer to go camping. Meet new friends that are cool, funny, friendly and accepting. 6 years......please go by quickly

My Life

Happy Birthday

A day to smile, a day to laugh, a day to give gifts and a day to celebrate!
Just wish she knew.
HBD

Damaged

There are no promises of tomorrow
no promises of even today

There are no persons who will accept
the broken person that you are

There are reasons, excuses and non-forgivable actions
that take it all away and you are left alone

Don't think you can laugh your way out
and make people see the outside alone

The inside oozes out and sloughs itself over all
and you are left standing in ooze that is a bright yellow

All the world sees your pathetic
all the earth covers its eyes

No one wants to call you their own
you are damaged

Stand alone and fight alone
love where you can and take what you can

Your worthy is rejected your attempts to be human
are taken away with the number of breaths you take

You can't fool anyone
you know that only the little ones find humor in you

You can't fool anyone
you know that the others take pity of you

No one should call you their own
you are damaged

I miss you Evan

Reminiscing. Brings so many smiles and yet so many tears. I love and miss many. To Jason, thank you for being such an amazing and loving son. God gifted me good with you, I'll never live up to such a gift. Evan, so far away, my heart aches. Being my last, memories of silly happy times, like dancing in the kitchen <3 span=""> I love you, my boys

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LI_4sevQGvI

Valentines Day

I used to dream of flowers and candy and jewelry and clothes. These represented love and affection on Valentines Day, right?
Well, that was a puffy dream that only those who have little substance produce in their mind. I've learned over the years - primarily over the last 10 - that what matters is who will be there for you.

Learn. Grow. Accept. Love

Can you answer: Who will pick you up when you fall down. Who will judge not. Who will prepare a meal to feed your aching self. Who will care with a smile and a soft hand. There are many ways to show love and affection. Mostly....you must L O V E and A D M I R E and E M B RA C E yourself. When you have found real comfort there, you can find comfort anywhere

➶ Look into that mirror, look into the heavens, look into your Soul ➶

Today:  

Then: 

Never say never - never give up on hope that is found within. Listen to the birds. Love the tall trees. Marvel at the butterfly. Ponder the view of a mighty ocean. Love is everywhere and Hope Is Now.