Memories LOL

 

R.I.P. Audrey

My dear Audrey, 7 years ago today we met. Before that day I wrote about how badly I was ready for new adventure; boy did I find something new with you! We were introduced and with the shaking of hands all I could see were your flirty eyes! There must have been 100 other campers there, among them I made many new friends that weekend. However in you, I found someone who - like me - had been recently hurt and we both were left a little damaged. We stayed up way past midnight that first night star gazing and talking and laughing! You know how happy you made me that night, because the next two nights we spent the nights sharing and building a great friendship. You were a very important addition to my life and it was too bad you and I lost some time when your girlfriend was so jealous. But then the last two years of your life we had our friendship back and I’ll never forget how special that was. I hope you knew how much I loved you and how thankful I was for you in my life. Today I smile and share those memories in my head, tonight’s margarita I toast you and us. Fish on my dear friend, in the heavenly streams and lake. Catch a big one! 🐟 🎣 🚣‍♂️

written 7/17/2020 - published 2/16/2024
I wonder if everyone knew what was really going through Me, inside my head. Do they see the things  that I miss so deeply in my life? I have so many desires and I had so many goals and it’s sad that I didn’t reach most all of them and the desire’s are just memories of things from the past. Surprisingly it is the past that I find my comfort not the present nor do I see it in my future. Sure I see things that will bring me happy times, and I know I won’t be completely alone. The reason I say this is I will find places that accept me for me, people who will be-friend me just because they see something good in me. I describe my feelings like I’ve been trying to swim upstream or climbing up a waterfall and there’s just so much resistance that there’s no way I’m gonna make it to the other end or yo the top. I don’t want to keep trying to go up that hill that’s never ending. I don’t want to see the ones that I love not be at the top holding their arms out to embrace me. You can’t remove, And you cannot replace something good for something bad that happened in your past. Memories are all that I have and yet I feel they are alive. I feel that if I close my eyes and I think of that one or two or 5000 memories that made me so happy I can feel them and I can taste them and I can smell them and I can hold them much longer then when my eyes are open and continue going about my day. I am buying time, I am working until I retire, and then I will takeoff. With telecommuting and teleworking from home I can live anywhere and still work. So if they make it possible to do that I just may, I just may go somewhere, where the air feels right and the sky looks appealing and the people are familiar. I wish I could do that tomorrow. A birthday is coming up, another birthday that I’m not a part of. I think that’s why I’m so sad tonight. Or maybe it’s just the silence. So much fucking silence! What I’d do and what I’d give just to hear that sweet voice again. To hear the laugh and see those beautiful blue eyes and that smile! I hold onto hope. Is it really too late?

Covid19

Just so I NEVER forget........April 2,2020.

* Gas price a mile from home was under $2.35
* School cancelled, with No return this year to finish this school year (no graduation, no prom, no senior skip day distance learning in place)
* Many parents and grandparents are learning to juggle working from home with homeschooling
* Self-distancing measures on the rise
* Tape on the floors at grocery stores and others to help distance shoppers (6ft) from each other
* Limited number of people inside stores, therefore, lineups outside the store doors
* Non-essential stores and businesses mandated closed
* Parks, trails, entire cities locked up
* Entire sports seasons cancelled at various school and professional levels (NBA, UFC, NHRA, MLB, Hockey all of it)
* Concerts, tours, festivals, entertainment events - cancelled
* Weddings, funerals, family celebrations, holiday gatherings - cancelled, postponed or limited to 10 people
*No masses, churches are closed, and preachers jailed for allowing large gatherings. Online services only available
* Shouldn't socialize with anyone outside of your home
* Children's outdoor play parks are closed, no play dates or just hanging outside
* We are to distance from each other
* Shortage of masks, gowns, gloves for our front-line workers
* Shortage of ventilators for the critically ill
* No visitors allowed in hospitals or nursing homes to visit sick or dying loved ones
* Panic buying sets in and we have no toilet paper, no disinfecting supplies, no paper towel no laundry soap, no hand sanitizer
* Shelves are bare, but getting better
* Manufacturers, distilleries and other businesses switch their lines to help make visors, masks, hand sanitizer and PPE
* Government closes the border to all non-essential travel
* Fines are established for breaking the rules
* Stadiums and recreation facilities open up for the overflow of Covid-19 patients
* Press conferences daily from the President and governor. Daily updates on new cases, recoveries, and deaths
* Government incentives to stay home
* Barely anyone on the roads
* People asked to wear masks when outside
* Essential service workers are terrified to go to work, while medical field workers are afraid to go home to their families.

This is the Novel Corona virus (Covid-19) Pandemic, declared March 11th, 2020.

Why, you ask, do I write this post?

One day I’ll read this, and it will be a reminder that life is precious and not to take the things we dearly love for granted.

We have so much!
Be thankful. Be grateful.
Be kind to each other - love one another - support everyone.

We are all one! ❤️

So I can't live with mom. I will when she is not able to care for herself. Until then I just can't. I'll keep things at her house so I can stay here now and then, but she's an old lady extremely set in her ways, with no bending, so it drives me crazy. She also has these weird habits of going behind me picking up my things - cup, spoon, snack, napkin, whatever is mine! and literally, at times, I've wanted to put her in time out! She also has zero knowledge of things acceptable to watch on tv. Sure, her jeopardy is fine, but she challenges herself each day to answer correctly and when she is super proud of how many answers she got correct, she will remind you for hours - up to days. Now her favorite show is a realty show called 90 day fiancé. Shoot me now! It’s on Friday night - reruns. It’s on Saturday night -new episodes. It’s on Monday night - as ‘pillow talk’ where previous cast watch last nights show. No. Just NO! And did I mention moms hard of hearing? Yeah the volume is at #40.
The point is, mom is no where ready to have someone move in. In fact, I feel most times she would just prefer I not be there! I guess it’s my fault because I can’t communicate with her on the type of topics mom brings up. I also like to watch my show with no one talking to me, is that asking for a lot? The list goes on and the outcome is: when it’s time I’ll take care of her. Until then 3 or 4 hour visits will have to do. I love you mom, but you are a lot, but you enjoy that place you are at. We’ll just let things lay as they do for now.
So, I stay at my house that I own with Nikki. Until
It sells. Maybe I’ll look into a one bedroom apartment afterwards.
I am ready to be Alive! To laugh with friends and enjoy a cocktail now and again. To watch a tv show it listen to music with whatever I want.
Week two in two days since hip surgery so still have recovering to do, but with another mind twist! It never gets boring
WenDee

One week post op

So this time last week I was very nervous but also full of sadness and skepticism and anger. For many reasons. I found myself thinking something will happen tomorrow. My friends and family will tell you it was because of my fear of an infection and of a blot clot. I believed I’d have a stroke or not recovery from anesthesia. I woke up, however, and I feared I was dying. I was crying and calling out and telling everyone that I could not breathe. I believed it. And yet, here I am. Awake. My number hasn’t been called, yet. I’m still scared that an infection is going to take over and destroy the

remaining tissue around my hip and the prosthetic will fail and I will die. Or a blood clot will
Appear and disengage and destroy my brain in seconds and I will be gone. But right now I’m here. And forget all the reasons that should be reason enough, I have to believe that there is a reason. Why has this pivot occurred and where am I going?! Well all I can say is we’ll see. There are many naysayers who, for some weird and strange reason still watch me perform on my stage and try to boo me off instead of picking up your hat and leave the show! You see I don’t care that I’m too much for you or I’m too dramatic for you or if you watch me in disgust saying “she’s always the victim” as you munch on snacks but don’t change the channel. It doesn’t concern me that you don’t get me, or like me, or mock me or backstab me. These are your choices and not mine. I’ve here for ME. For my genuine friends. For my family who never fail to show up. For my sons and my grandchildren and for you if you want or need me. There is a change on the horizon and as this wind has blown me here and there before, I will allow it to once again bask over me and direct me as I grab onto the hand of God and the feather of hope. One promise. I will fail over and over again. But if I’m physically and mentally able, I will rise and move forward, one step at a time.

And for some typical wenDee, here are my 7 days in photos. I love you.