I have no balls

I want to tell my father that he means NOTHING to me. I want to tell my Dad that he is an asshole and no one likes him and people laugh at him behind his back. I want to tell him that he's never had a positive impact on my life. I would like for him to know that he has caused more harm than good to all of his children. I'd like him to realize that he's failed at the role of father. I wish I had the guts to tell him that he's a selfish, inconsiderate, opinionated, mean, disrespectful, shallow, pig headed, stingy, sorry excuse for a dad.

I guess I'll never be that strong to tell him these things. He'll never figure out how to look at this blog either. So, he will die - or maybe I will die first - without him ever knowing how hurt he has made me.

All I wanted was for him to be like my Uncle Bill, or my Uncle Donald or any one of those million other Dads who looked beyond the imperfections of their children and embraced and loved them anyway. Like I do with my kids.

If I die before my biological father and he has not made an effort to reach out to me, please do NOT let him come to my memorial service. His presence will not be welcomed there. I want a party. I want people to laugh about the silly things I did in my life, and how I made the little "oopseys" that are uniquely me. He would be spilling out lies if he spoke of my name with any love or kindness.

I hate him way too much right now

Christmas Day 2010

Merry Christmas to me and mine.

Jason and Jennifer are in Southern California with Jennifer's family at Disneyland, Evan is in Chicago at boot camp. My mom and dad (my step father is now known as dad to me) and my sisters are with my cousin Bill and his wife in So Cal. Heather is working. I worked 6 AM to 1 PM today. It was the slowest day I've ever worked in my life.

Here it is a little after 3 and the only thing I can think about is Evan. What is he doing today in Chicago, in boot camp, on Christmas? Why won't they let the kids make a little phone call? Its going on 6 now, Chicago time, and I'm hoping still they will get to call before they have to retire. Will he have a nice dinner? Will today feel any different to Evan than the last few days have felt? Will he be homesick, wishing he had a stocking to peer into and pull out some silly putty and a peanut butter cup shaped like a snowman? I have his stocking for him to open in Chicago when we go for boot camp graduation. I got the form letter this week and it made me SO excited! Now I have a date to plan for - Feb 18th - and I can book a flight and hotel reservations and find all the exciting thing going on regarding his ceremony. It helps me to have something to focus on. Truth be told, my mind has been fucking with me too much lately. Last month I've really failed. Eating has failed. Exercise has failed. I have failed....except this time it HAS to be different! Everyone has been so proud of me that I HAVE to break this rotten new cycle I've gotten myself into. But, enough about ME!

Evan....I needed to feel closer to Evan today. It seems at every hour of the entire day I found myself drifting to being with and thinking about Evan. As if I'm riding on his shoulder in a little
spacecraft, watching what his day is like. Wen I got home from work today I went in Evan's car and threw away the rest of the trash. I found myself reading all the things he bought on the crumpled receipts as if I was going back in time for the days he bought those things. I found food wrappers and remembered the McDonald days of us going to grab some fries. There were coffee cups, water bottles, a rubics cube, broken sunglasses and odd little papers. I started Betsy - yes, that is what Evan named his car - up and put the drivers visor down. There was that little angel. The one I asked him to keep with him. The picture is here. It says: Son, please drive safely. He always does.

I brought the basic training video to work. I finally watched the clips. They showed how a new recruit begins Boot Camp and how they grow up to be a sailor. They showed a bit about graduation and how they lived and what they did on a daily basis. It was wonderful to watch because I could imagine Evan wearing one of those navy uniforms of white pants and white shirt and blue tie. Although to be honest, I can't see him WANTING to wear that particular outfit. I think the khaki shirt and blue trousers would suite him better. Sigh. I just want Evan to be happy. I want Evan to know right now that he made the right decision to join the NAVY and I don't want Evan to be sad or angry or frustrated. I'm probably way too close to my boys, although how can you be too close to your kids? Its such an oxymoron as I knew that I was raising my boys to be responsible and respectful and independent human beings who would contribute fairly and honestly in the world. I want them to go on with their lives, I just want them to call home often!

Merry Christmas to me and mine.

No mailing address yet :(

No mail came yesterday or today. So, tomorrow I'm off to bring a platter of cookies to the recruiters office and bribe them into giving me Evan's Mail Contact Information! I started Evan's car today and moved it into the driveway. I found Evan's lunch box from - oh about 4 weeks ago! There were also lots of junk food trash items, cups, coffee mugs, clothes, gloves, blankets, jackets...lots more! I can't believe how this old 1987 ferenza station wagon just started right up on the first try! Betsy is sure a dependable vehicle and I love her for that. Good ole' Betsy. How I wish your boy would call me!

Evan's Navy Box

I worked yesterday about 12 hours, thinking about Evan ALL day. After walking in the door at 7:45 PM I find a box on my kitchen table. It had Evans name on the top and on the side written in his handwriting was my name and address. It was his clothes and backpack. The entire outfit I last saw him in at the airport. What an eerie feeling I had taking each article from the box. After all the things were emptied, I find a blue, yellow and white card at the bottom. It is the tag to a pair of Navy issued Tube socks! I think Evan dropped it in there on purpose as he knew I would smile when I found it. I looked through... his coat pockets and found the ticket stub to his train ride to the airport Tuesday. Then, at the bottom of his empty backpack there lay the 11 flash cards he made so he could study the Eleven General Orders. All these three things I'm holding onto tight - as they represent
1. His strength in preparing and wanting to succeed in the Navy
2. His love for me and wanting me to know how much
3. His independence into a new world
So, I will have many other things to add to his 'box of navy stuff' but this is getting me started and I really needed some connection to Evan right now. Still can't WAIT to hear his voice again soon!

I love you Evan. ta ta for now my son.

Names have been changed to protect the "Not So Innocent"!

I'm sorry you will not accept my face book friend request. Didn't think you would anyway, but had hopes that you had realized what was done to me wasn't good and we had got past that. After all, we were once so close! You do know that what happened to me by so many was against what the Lord would have wanted, right? And that "Lucy" and "Jack" are no saints..trust me, I have inside information into that one! Just ask "Jack" about the things he shared with me one night and the many many conversations "Lucy" had with dealing with her issues with "Jack".

Please understand that we all live with decisions and that most people have secrets, "Doug". Remember how close "Chrissy" and I were? Remember me giving "Joanne" a baby shower at my home? Remember me coming over to pack up your house when you moved to "Austin"? Remember...well, perhaps you don't remember the many hours upon hours of devotion I gave to serving the Lord at the church you started, and anything you or "Chrissy" asked me to do, I was more than happy to do?
It seems that you guys and your group of friends - or shall we say your righteous click - all decided that because I was finally free of a lifetime of suffering with the hypocrisy that the church teaches on homosexuality and was able to be the full me, well...you couldn't handle it. One tiny little thing about me was out in the open and it killed all of you because you were all so scared that this one tiny little thing defined me/changed who I really am. Well, if a sexual attraction and falling in love with a woman is a defining factor that can change everything about a person and forget everything good an decent thing a person did in their life, then gosh...what does that say about someone who has a secret wish that their wife wear hooker heels and have hooker nails and walk the streets of Las Vegas in there thong? Does that mean they are a pervert? Or does it mean that they have a desire that was planted within them? sound confusing? well, not really. There is this one tiny little part of me that was "so different" that it change everyone's mind and heart toward me. I'm not any more a sinner than the rest of the world. In fact, I'm far better than most.

I am a FANTASTIC Mother who NEVER turned their back on their children, ever. I didn't allow others to 'raise' my kids because I was too busy with my work. I am still and will always be there for and with the boys, no matter what my financial life is at. I will fly, drive, buy bus tickets, train tickets...it doesn't matter where my life is at - for my children are that important to me. I was a cub scout den leader, a Sunday school teacher, a team mom, a class room parent volunteer, a noon aid on the playground, I babysat others in my home for years so I could be with my kids, the list goes on but that doesn't really matter because what matters is how content I am in my soul and in my heart with how I've lived my life.

I am a giver to the needy. I have always and will always give you anything you need if you ask me. I will buy and dish out the food to feed when you are down. I will find a coat in my closet for you to wear if you are cold. I do not need excess while others are suffering and in need.

I lift up my family and friends. I never wish for them to feel put down or set apart from any other person. I build them up and am there for them, any time they need or want me near. I am never above them, we are equal and no better than anyone. God sees us all as children and there is no varying the love of God.

I hope your child is never judged, mocked, neglected, shunned, spat on, rebuked or hated as you and your so called "God fearing, God loving, Christian brethren" have done to me.

Merry Christmas!