up to no good

I feel like I am and should be invisible. I'm having a hard time right now. I don't know what's going on with me but I feel like I'm a phony and I don't really have anyone. I don't trust anything or anyone right now. I'm not a cutter or a druggie or even an alcoholic. But I feel I should be gone because I feel no sense of life right now. I don't know why heather loves me. I think everyone is laughing at me - except my two kids - and I feel that I don't deserve anything positive. If I were braver or had any money I'd pack my bags and head to a remote 1 room cabin where I could hide from the world to finish my life however long God wishes to let me live. I am not reaching out for help, I just believe you might understand my deep core of pain and sense of empty. I've never approved of myself so I expect none from anyone else. People laugh at my jokes. They like my upbeat words I have of my partner and kids. They are curious watchers just as they are of zoo animals, freak shows, and car accidents. Interesting for a moment, but quickly forgotten the next. I am completely empty right now as I lie in my bed shameful of all that I do and I think. I am sickened when I go over in my head how I've been a complete idiot when I've thought that someone likes Me for me or when I think flirting is appreciated. The reality side of me wants to hit my head against the wall so I can remind myself to stop making me appear such a fool and to end the illusion that I am normal when all I can see is fake