every time i see her, my heart beats faster. my eyes mist. my mouth drops. my arms want to reach out and hold my love. but i can't. i'm stuck in a place that is in between. i am trying to protect myself from these feelings but there is nothing that can replace what i feel. if i do not see her, i miss her more. if i see her, i miss her more. i think of our good times and i tear up. my mind will not let me let her go. she hasn't set me free from the thoughts that one day we might be together again so i hold onto that thought every single day as i try to advance in my new life. i realize that she has lost her in love feeling and that is a hard pill to swallow. i'm not a first thought. i'm not a second, third or fourth thought. i fall way back in line now. i'm not a fool to think she doesn't love me. you can't have 13 1/2 amazing years then just stop. like you fell off a cliff or something. or can you? maybe. i do not know for i do not get the privileged to know my angels inner thoughts and feelings. those are not mine to have now. the next step is beginning this week with her and the kids moving into my apartment complex, in another unit, 3 buildings away. she wanted space. she wants me to not insinuate myself onto her and the decisions she's making. she wants me to not check up on her. she asks that i stay out of her business. to not step on her toes. she has lost trust in me and i am afraid these things that she says has now shielded her mind from all the good, all the happy, all the positive that we once shared. you see, i don't have this. i want her to come with me to the movies. i want her to eat dinner with me that i've prepared. i want to lay next to her and smell her perfume. i want my feet to touch her toes in bed. i want to wish her good morning as well as goodnight as i see her beautiful sparkly blue eyes. i want to laugh, to love, to live with my sweet dreamer. i didn't change my mind. she did. how do i set my own boundaries? how do i protect my heart? how do i live in this beautiful state of oregon which was my happy place and not have my love to share it with? how do i get past nightmare? its november all over again, every day. its january 21st all over again, every day. i fear this torture will never end...my torture that i alone live...every day of my life. oh god, please help me