MoM

Spending so much time with mom these last 11 months I've seen her wither away. To outsiders they would say how strong she is. After all at age 83 she has no obvious health issues other than her arthritis. But, I see more. I am privy to the mental health of my mother. 

Her father had what was called back then-dementia. What I remember from this seemingly happy man was a frail fellow who smiled a lot, who played cards with me every time we went to visit, but who also sat in his wheelchair complaining. He also was a story teller. Oh, his little jokes and white lies were harmless, or were they? I think there was a lot more to him then what met the eye, and I believe that is the case with my mom. 

Mom seems to have stories that change from time to time, from person to person, from her mood to mood. I grew up with this. Mom could excuse away anything and believe it whole heartedly. Her memories change and become less or more to the original reality of the event. This has been a part of my life since I could remember, starting at age 5. 

Today I had to tell my mom that she is not the same, that she is forgetting things and making things up. I said I'm sorry momma I know you don't want to hear this, but you don't realize that your brain is playing tricks on you and you have to trust me (with your medications, money, etc). The look on her face made me cry. She appeared to show a sense of sad with a sense of not believing it. She just looked at me. At that moment I knew for sure, all things worked out for the best in my life. I was meant to be here. I was meant to care for my mother in her aging years until the end. I was meant to meet someone who understood this commitment and I was meant to be in this god forsaken desert...at least for now. 

I do not know the number of years we have with mom being "all there" but I am going to try my hardest to love her every day as best as I can. God help me!