My mom is 81. She is alive and well and loves me. Yes, she has some mental capabilities that I've always been aware of and even though we have had our issues here and there, her love and commitment to me - her daughter - has gone on and on and on! She is my mom and I'm so thankful that I get to hug her and show my love to her in many ways.
My step father (my California dad) is 91 and is bright and mobile and driving! He has always loved me and accepted me for that past 35 years as just me. I can't be more thankful for this man taking care of my mom and loving her and keeping her safe.
My sisters are alive and well and have full lives! They are both married and in love and even though they take issue with how their baby sister lives her life, they always come through for me..always..I can depend on this.
My Son Jason married to an amazing woman now is a Dad himself! Jason being a nurse gives his love to all he comes in contact with. From the moment he was a little boy he just wanted people around him happy and well. Jason adores both Jennifer and now Jordynn and I'll always be thankful to God for gifting me with my first born, my Jason, my son who has never turned his back on me but has extended an extra hand to love me through the changes I've made and even in times when I've just been confused and sad. Jason, you have gone above and beyond in your tough life and the miracle of you that has touched so many will live on and on. Every time I see your face in my mind, I can't help but smile big for my love is so deep and so strong for you!
My Evan, my sweet, fun, active and caring boy! Growing up you loved to give me challenges but no matter what, I've always known how deeply you care about me to be safe, healthy, and happy. You went into the NAVY and that scared me! I knew how you didn't like to wake up early and how you rarely picked up your clothes and dishes. How were you going to be a soldier with all those restrictions? OMG! you not only succeeded but you were even an example to others and again, the pride I felt and feel today with the beautiful life you are living...I'm so happy!
My 3 bonus children are healthy and have full lives. They deserve much happiness in their lives and I hope they find it wherever they go and whatever they decide to do as adults. Ashley is sweet and caring and loves me sincerely. I will always be there for her. She is my 'daughter' and I've watched her grow and she loves me. I promise you Ashley, you always have me on your side! Christopher is so smart, he will be a wonderful engineer or anything else he ends up doing! I wish he knew more that I've always enjoyed his big wide smile and appreciated his dramatic ways. After all, that is how i was as a youngster :) I love you Chris and know that all I really wanted to do was help you mature and steer you in the right direction. Jonathan. I can't type Jon's name without welling up in tears. I love Jon as if he were my own. I'm sorry that the last couple of years while you have struggled to figure things out that we couldn't have gotten closer. These 3 kids are a part of me, and always will be, always.
Heather. Our lives were touched on that special day in June 1998. I knew right away how incredible you are and how you would capture my love and my heart if I let you. I gave in to those pretty blue eyes and that warm soft skin with those curls on your head! So bouncy, so young and vital, so smart and smelled so nice! The years went by and I didn't think it was possible to continue to fall in love over and over again, but it happened. Every time I see your face or hear your voice or touch your skin, my heart quivers with excitement. My love is so deep and so true and will be with you forever and ever, plus one more day. The path is shielded from your eyes and I hope and pray the sun will clear and you will find your way.
As I close this blog, I also want to include my true friends. I have learned that I do indeed have those who want me in their life, who actually would suffer if I were not in it.
Janyce....sweet Jan...1983 we met. We were both young and firm :) No children yet, you weren't even married! The years passed by and both of us bore our children and never let go of our special friendship. You've stuck by me all through the years with no judging, no hurt over the many months that went between phone calls, never a harsh word thrown at me. I love you Jan. Thank you for being one of my very best friends!
Diane...Oh Diane! What we went through in those early days, right?! I know there was some hurt, for both of us, but we each rose to become strong in our lives and move on in our journey of truth. You've been there for me so many times. The time Jason was in the hospital at age 12. When I was so sad coming to terms that I had to end my marriage. Hearing my stories of the incredible love I was in with my Heather. Then, when I felt my legs were broken and I fell to my knees in pain - when I didn't think I could get pass the sadness and be able to work or function, you encouraged me. You also never judged me and were available to hold my hand - by phone and over a thousand miles - and hear me try to deal with carrying on. Thank you for being one of my best friends!
Mike...my brother by no blood...I wish we had met when I was younger! I can just see you and I climbing hills and throwing rocks and laughing our heads off :) You are an incredible human being and a magnificent father. Don't EVER forget that you gave to both your kids beyond what lots of fathers never would do. You were an amazing example to Evan when you took him into your business and always gave him a place to hang out in, to laugh with, to be accepted and given love. I will forever be indebted to you for that and especially for letting me into your life. These past few months you've listened to me, you've laughed with me, and you hung out with me...even just to let me cry and drink a beer! I love you Mike, don't EVER leave me, ok?!
There are others: Jill, Danielle, Randi, Gen, Jake, Jessica, Patrick, Heather, Dave, Deepthi, Karla H, Jim, Ligaya, Lynn, Patti...I'm sure others that fail this old ladies memory right now :)
God knows my heart. The angels know my wishes. The earth feels my pain. Now, I just push on.
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