When...

When exactly did I become such a horrible person. Was is when my sister and I were molested by moms boyfriend and we sought revenge? Was it when I was date rapped and pushed down a flight of cement stairs? Was it when I was bullied in middle school for being the fat awkward comedic kid who had her hair plucked out one by one, from the mean girls who sat behind her in class, or the when the boys threw rocks at me as I raced home on my bike? Maybe it was when my brother died in a fire and my father walked away from my sister and me - after all we were nearly grown to fend for ourselves at ages 14 and 15. Was it when poor Alex drowned in the flood at age 19 and my sister fell apart? Could it have been after a painful breakup of 13 years? Maybe when my best friend, my almost twin, died? I think we are getting close. But there is that time after her death I moved away from Oregon to So Cal to help take care of mom and my stepdad who now were in there 80’s and 90's and didn’t have Karla to help....after all Oregon was only just the perfect place to live and a perfect job. No, I’m fine, really. Time went forward and I tried so hard to be a good person. To take a wife who I loved and felt loved and needed me. And things were tense from the first year on - we are so different.....but having a home invasion and our computers and cars stolen....well, why would I be a horrible person now? Then the car stolen a second time. I thought I couldn’t take any more, but I tried so hard to keep pushing forward. Got an amazing job, kept taking care of mom, tried to figure out how to be the right wife for Nikki....but It must have been just me being evil. Who the fuck was I fooling? No one. Evan literally walked out of my life. I can’t say anything right, I’m trusted - zero. When you ask? Why I think I’ve always been bad and angry. I was a mistake pregnancy and you see I’ve been a mistake my entire life. Do I play the victim? Fuck you. Look at my fucked up life and tell me if you wouldn’t feel a victim too. I never really won, just a continued set of losing hands except for being a mommy. Those 18-20 years were my happiest of my entire life. The only good thing I had. But, then life sucked and I should have figured it out. Why would anyone want to be around this sack if shit? I know I don’t. One day I’ll be gone and then no one needs to pretend that they ever really cared