I love my children. I love all children in general. Sometimes it might not seem like it because I'm pretty tough on kids. However, I would never ever in a million years hurt a child's spirit or want them broken down. In fact, I will hunt down the person who did hurt them and get in their face with a, "what the hell are you thinking"? attitude. I have known friends in my life who have acted like they are going to turn their back on their kid just because they "won't listen" or "act up" or "lied to them". Hello! These are normal behaviors of adolescents and teenagers! They are just trying to become their own person. They turn into aliens with all the extra hormones in their bodies while going through puberty and they are confused when confronted by peer pressure and new schools and the entire dating scene. Don't give up on your child. Don't EVER give up. They will always need their mom or their dad. Be a voice. Even if its a one way phone call time after time after time. Keep knocking on their door. Keep texting their phones. Keep posting on their Social Networks. One day they will answer, I promise. They have to know that no matter what they can count on you to still have their back or still love them even when they have made the wrong decision. If you believe in God and that he is the ultimate Father, then you might believe that he also is continually forgiving you and taking you under his wing. He never turns his back and walks away. He waits. Quietly sometimes. But he waits until you say...hey....God? you there? I myself imagine that he breaks into this smile and says, hey! there you are, good to see you...come give me a hug! I am that parent. I will NEVER give up on my child. I will NEVER walk away. I will ALWAYS be the one person they can count on in their life, even if everyone else turns a deaf ear. No, I will not allow myself to be used or abused by them, that is not returned love or respect, but I will guide them into knowledge that I can still love and care through all circumstances.
I had a Father once. He loved me, I think. He pushed the shopping cart while I hung onto the back. He went swimming with me and threw me into the deep waters, only to be waiting for me to pop up and swim over to him. He took me to the beach with my family and made sure he bought me that special soda I liked. He took us camping and made great campfires and we sang songs. He wore silly masks at Halloween and took us trick or treating in those silly masks. The memories seem to fade though, because at age 12 my brother died and our family went into a spin. Dad was still around, I think, until my sister Paula got married 1 1/2 yrs. later and then Dad left. He didn't come back. Not to sleep anyway. I remember he was there standing in the kitchen once or twice, arguing with my mother. So much confusion at that time. Jump forward 8 years. I am 21. He takes me to Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. I am sitting with literally a stranger that resembles the memory of a man I call dad. I ask, why didn't you come around? Why didn't we go do things, or stay at your place on the weekends? Why did you only come around when I was in trouble for getting a traffic ticket or getting in an accident, or even when the school called you in because they "didn't know what to do with me". What happened? Well, the answer was this: Your mother told me you girls didn't want anything to do with me. Really? Really Dad? Are you fucking kidding me? You mean....the mom that was crazy because her son died in a fire?...the mom that you told me you couldn't trust?....the mom that you left because you couldn't stand being around any longer? You chose to just say, "OK" and not come around? Where the hell were you?!! Why didn't you ask US if that is what we wanted? Or, I have an idea, why didn't you come around ANY WAY! You let a 14 and a 15 year old walk out of your life. I didn't lose just a brother the day he died. I lost my mom for 10 years. I lost a sister to getting married. I lost my Grandma and Grandpa because they were old and sick. And, I lost you. I never got you back. Yeah, you've come and gone since then.....21......I looked up to you in Las Vegas and said to myself, could this really be happening? Do I have my fathers love again? Does he want me in his life? Well, you moved away 2 years later to Minnesota. Another distance Dad. Not just by your choice, but because of miles. I was growing into my own then. WoW. These memories hurt. But what hurts the most is looking back at the last 29 years of my life and realize that you still aren't fucking willing to just love me. No matter what. You are the most stubborn man in the world. Dad. I'm sorry you lost so much. But Dad. I'm more sorry that I lost.
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